Shame and guilt will lead you to ask the question should I admit I had a one night stand but before you admit to a one night stand consider your partner.
Unlike the question should I admit to having an affair the question of whether you should admit to having had a one night stand is rather less complicated.
A one night stand is an opportunist act with someone you have no intention of seeing again. Whereas an affair is a sustained relationship with a partner outside your marriage or relationship.
If you happen to bump into that person a month later and repeat the experience you are now in the realms of an affair, saying I didn’t intend to bump into them doesn’t count .. learn to say nop to your more base desires.
Firstly you must consider what led you to have a one night stand in the first place. Are you with the right partner or do your relationships all end the same way?
We all know why it’s not ok to cheat but there are times we do idiotic things and then deeply regret them. Whether away on a lonely business trip, an alcohol fuelled night out or a moment of out of control lust, some people have a weak moment and do something they wouldn’t usually dream of doing.
Most of us know the difference between love and lust and are aware that a one night stand is about lust, while our long term relationship is about love. However sometimes in a moment of madness one is forgotten and the other becomes imperative.
The chances of being caught or someone telling your partner are far less with a one night stand than with an affair but that is no excuse for doing it.
Is it worth hurting your partner deeply, breaking the trust in your relationship, perhaps losing your children or home, because you feel the need to be honest about it to relieve your own guilt?
Have you ever heard the saying “what they don’t know can’t hurt them”? Well in this case it’s generally true.
That is not permission to go off and have a string of one night stands behind your husband or wife’s back.
Yes you will have to carry the guilt of your one night stand to your grave but that is the price you have to pay for the decision you made when you you opted for a one night stand.
‘Forget about it and move on’ is easier said than done when guilt is keeping you awake at night but consider the alternative.
While you lie there listening to your partner happily sleeping, none the wiser, think about how they would feel if they knew. Does that knowledge change anything for the better? Will it help them to feel secure and loved?
You now feel deeply ashamed and guilty .. and so you should. However, shame and guilt are emotions, so use those emotions in a positive way and channel them toward your partner.
Every time you feel ashamed or guilty look at your partner and mentally list ten reasons why you will never do anything again to hurt them.
It doesn’t have to be February 14th to show someone you care about them, try one or more of these inexpensive valenties day gestures to show your partner you love them.
Keeping this secret and taking it to the grave with you is not about you, it is not about stopping you from getting into trouble. It is about your partner, you cheated on them and they will bear the brunt of the pain your confession will cause.
If you must confess then confide in a friend or tell a priest but allow your partner to remain unhurt and unaffected by your actions.
Take a long hard look at your partner, are they content with their life at the moment, are they oblivious to your guilt and shame. Now consider how they would look if you tell them, how long would they take to recover, if they ever do and ask yourself again .. should I admit I had a one night stand?
June 15th, 2010 at 6:54 pm
If my husband had not caught an STD I would have loved not ever knowing. We were college sweethearts and now our story is tainted and impure…I am heartbroken…he loves me dearly and regrets drinking himself to oblivion and making a very poor choice to give in to a woman’s advances. So I wish there was no STD so he could have hidden this from me till the grave.
Hope this helps someone. Do not sleep with your SO till you get checked out by a doctor…herpes can be passed on even with the use of a condom! Keep your partner safe first and foremost!
February 11th, 2011 at 8:50 pm
i diasgree. my partner had a one night stand in a very drunk state, and yes when he admitted it to me, it hurt like a bitch. and as a couple we are still trying to get over it, but i would never want him to live in guilt and i want to know that he and i are honest with each other. we have a long, loving, and honest relationship, and we talked it out, his one night stand isn’t a reason good enough for me to leave him, and i value the honesty we share. if he hid it from me, i would leave him, no questions asked. honesty is important.
February 13th, 2011 at 8:29 pm
Hi Anon
Thank you for your honest comments. Had you never found out about his one night stand would it have affected your life or would you have gone along blissfully unaware?
It is brilliant to hear your marriage is strong enough to put this in the past and get on with your marriage and it takes a lot of strength not to bring up the subject every time you have a row.