Today I rejected a profile for my website because it stated the man was “happily married” but looking for a fun girl for an affair and my site doesn’t cater for adultery. However it got me thinking about the issue of affairs and what makes people think they are ok.
I couldn’t help but wonder how this man would feel if he came across his wife’s profile on my dating website stating she was happily married but looking for a fun guy for an adulterous affair. In my experience what is good for the goose is most certainly not good for the gander on this issue.
The temptation to cheat comes to most of us after we have been in a relationship for some time but it is what we do with that temptation that defines our character.
After some time in a relationship we miss the days of passion, the excitement of hearing their voice or seeing them dressed up just to please us. We want to recapture that feeling of electricity when they walk in the room or the butterflies in our stomach when the phone rings, that is simply human nature.
Then we meet someone at work or at a social event and pow, there is electricity flying round the room. You know it’s wrong to cheat but this new person is genuinely interested in you, they look and smell good, they make you feel young, confident and alive again.
For a very honest look at the inner turmoil of someone contemplating an affair have a read of to cheat or not, which I am waiting for the final chapter of with baited breath.
The idea that once married we can spend our lives wearing blinkers and not notice other people or that we should resign ourselves to a boring relationship is simply nonsense. It is a very short life and we should try to live it to the full but cheating is not the answer to recapturing the fun in life.
Cheating on a partner is pure unadulterated selfishness and arrogance. You are not physically or emotionally available to the person you have an affair with and you are going to hurt your partner whether they find out or not.
Obviously if they find out you have broken their trust and betrayed them they will be hurt but even if they don’t find out there are invariably suspicions because your behaviour changes and even if never voiced they eat away at your partners confidence.
That is the greatest crime in cheating, what it does to your partners confidence. You may get an ego boost for a short time, your children may cope ok with the divorce but your partners confidence may never recover.
You married that person for a reason, you loved them. Even if that love has faded and you bicker every day try to remember you once cared for that persons feelings and causing them so much pain was never on your agenda.
Before thinking of cheating on your partner ask yourself if you are still the exciting, passionate person your partner first met and fell in love with.
I will bet the answer is no, so if your partner is no longer the exciting, passionate person you fell in love with is it any surprise?
Read my tips for bringing the romance back into a long term relationship and give them a try before you go down a road there is no return from, because even if you’re never caught and your relationship continues you will carry that guilt always.
If you are trying to justify cheating on your partner then have a read of You can justify cheating?
June 11th, 2008 at 3:41 am
Hi Sally,
The “final chapter” in my story (to cheat or not) is that I gave Diane the link to my blog after work one Friday. She read it over the weekend and we ended up having a good discussion about it the following Monday and things have been great between us since then.
The experience I went through was never about looking for something outside of my marriage because I was unhappy or unfulfilled. I was rocking along fine in my marriage until I unexpectedly encountered this other amazing person that captured my attention and affection. As I told Diane, in 20 years of marriage I had never encountered a more perfect combination of everything that a woman should be outside of my wife and it threw me for a loop. The process of blogging about it helped me to get my head screwed back on straight and I ended up not cheating on my wife and I was able to honestly share about the whole situation with Diane which has (thankfully) only served to strengthen our friendship.
Keep up the good work that you’re doing!
June 12th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Thank you so much for letting me know and I am thrilled to the core that your marriage has not only survived this situation but may even be strengthened by it.
Diane I salute you, clearly your husband loves you but it would have been very easy to jump off the deep end about his blog.
I also thank you for your honesty and hope it will save others from themselves in the same situation.
I wish you both a long, happy and fulfilled marriage together.