Are you being conned by an internet dating scammer? Read the behaviour patterns of online dating scammers to find out.
Almost every successful online dating scam follows a set pattern of behaviour.
Once scammers find something that works they will use it until people get wise to the scam and then move on to something new.
Unfortunately, as dating scams deal with our most basic instinct (the desire to love and be loved) this old trick is not running it’s course, it still works every day.
Here is the basic behavior pattern of an internet dating scammer, the psychology behind each step and the red flags to look for … learn to read the signs.
The Scammers Approach
They will send a short introductory message as soon as you or they join the site. They will often approach people 10 to 15 years older than they say they are.
They will very quickly (usually in the first one or two messages) want to move off the site and on to yahoo, msn or mobile texting.
If you agree to move off the dating site within 2 days they will remove their profile from that site and inform you they have done this because they know they have found the one they were looking for.
They will explain that English is not their first language so they are slow at typing (in actual fact they take so long to respond because they are also chatting to 4 other potential victims at the same time).
Red flag:
They want to get you off the dating site as quickly as possible .. ask yourself why?
Scammers Cover Story
This is just one cover story but it will give you an idea of how creative they are.
They will begin by telling you they are a business man or woman and are either currently doing contract work in an African country or they are in Europe at the moment but will be travelling to Africa on business soon.
They will usually say they are French, Belgian, Dutch, Italian or whatever because when you speak on the phone it can be difficult to tell what their accent is.
Together
They will chat to you daily and within a week they will tell you they are in love with you, they have been waiting for you all their life, they have dreamed of meeting someone like you and they can’t wait for you to be together.
They are perfect for you, almost too good to be true. Everything they tell you sounds like they read your profile and messages then invented their entire persona just for you (there’s a hint in there).
They will quickly talk of visiting you with a view to moving your relationship to the physical level and will talk of marriage.
Red Flag:
Too much, too soon, never met and nobody is that perfect for you. It’s one of the joys of relationships, we have to compromise and if someone is just “perfect” then you should smell a rat.
First Request For Money
This will usually come after 10 to 14 days of chatting daily and take one of four forms. The request will be in an amount from 1000 to 20000 UK pounds or US dollars (although sometimes much more), they will sound so embarrassed to have to ask you BUT:
- A medical emergency
- Victim of a crime.
- Visa money and flight money to come to be with you.
- A business deal is slipping through their fingers.
The medical emergency will take the form of needing to see a doctor because they are sick or must pay a hospital bill for either them or a close family member. They will say it’s only a loan, someone owes them money and as soon as they get it they will send it right back to you.
The crime will take the form of their wallet/passport/laptop/luggage has been stolen and they are stuck in Africa and need to get home (this may be coupled with the need to pay the hospital bill after the attack).
Of course they have to travel a few hundred miles to apply for the visa, then travel back for the interview and that’s expensive .. the fact that our embassies now accept initial online applications should warn you here. They also need flight money to come to see you, someone owes them money which they could use but they won’t get it back for a few weeks and they just can’t wait that long to be with you. As soon as they get their money back they will send you what they owe you. Others just say they can’t afford it and if you are to be together then can you pay for their flight.
A great deal came up and they have paid 200,000 plus for heavy machinery/gold/precious stones/etc but they are short 20,000. When they are back home they can sell it for more than double what they are paying for it. Their bank doesn’t have a branch over there so he/she can’t get the remaining money wired to them .. can you just help him/her out and they’ll split the profits with you when they get back and sell their purchases.
Please note that in any of these scenario’s if you say you can’t afford the amount they are asking for they will simply ask for less and try to get the remaining amount elsewhere … and yet they had to ask you, a total stranger, for the money.
Any money you send needs to be sent through Western Union.
Red Flags:
1. A business person that travels frequently and goes to Africa without medical insurance .. pull the other one.
2. If they’re a victim of crime why haven’t they gone to their Embassy for help, that’s what they’re there for and they WILL help in such circumstances.
3. They are so desperate to meet you but never suggest you go to meet them when they get back to their home country, just send them money and they’ll come to you.
4. A business person that can’t get to a bank there but was allowed to wander through customs with 200,000 in cash, which they just happened to be carrying in case they fancied a bite to eat .. I don’t think so!!
5. If the words Western Union and internet dating crop up in the same sentence run a mile.
If you Don’t Send Money
If you sound even slightly hesitant about sending money or say you simply can’t afford to, they will suddenly go into fits of remorse for even asking you .. you will get a tyrade of what a dreadful person they are and they will never forgive themselves for asking .. blah blah blah.
Once they are sure you feel really guilty and sorry for them, usually coupled with you saying you really want to help them but … they will start to ask for money again. Maybe you could just lend them a small part of what they need? Do you have a car you could sell?
Documentational Proof
In order to build trust and reassure you that you are not being scammed they will email you documentation to prove they are telling the truth and how much they need.
This may take the form of:
- A hospital bill and letter from a doctor explaining they can’t release his/her passport until the bill is paid.
- A police report detailing the crime and the value of what was stolen.
- A letter from a travel agent explaining the flight has been booked and they await x number of pounds/dollars to pay for the flight or even a copy of the flight booking confirmation.
- A receipt from the business they are buying from detailing their purchase and the amount outstanding. This will often state that if the outstanding amount is not paid he/she will lose the money already paid.
Red Flags:
All of these documents are written in English, even the police report .. how convenient, that means you can read them.
I could produce any of these documents in about 10 minutes with my laptop and photoshop.
You can book a flight online and print off the booking confirmation straight away, then cancel the booking. This is such an effective tool though psychologically because you “see” the flight they are coming on, so it can’t be a con … can it?
It’s all proof of nothing other than their ability to use a computer.
Second Request for Money
If you send any money for a flight it will quickly be followed by a second request.
The most popular of these is the Basic Travel Allowance (BTA).
This is where the psychology of the scam gets you in two ways.
Firstly it gets you emotionally, you desperately want to meet this perfect love of your life or you wouldn’t have sent the flight money (usually 2-3000). They sound so utterly disappointed when they tell you they went to get their visa and the embassy/government/travel agent explained they need BTA money in cash, 800-1000 pounds or dollars, which has to be shown at the departure desk.
Secondly you may begin to smell a rat but you’ve already sent a lot of money, so your brain will be desperately trying to convince you that you haven’t just been scammed (even though in your heart you know you have).
You may decide to cut your losses and break contact but many victims of scams try to give them the benefit of the doubt in the hopes of this person really being the love they are looking for and in the hope they haven’t just become the latest victim of a dating scammer.
Red Flags:
There is no such thing as BTA. Before sending any money for visa/passport/travel requirements check the internet, look at your embassy website and establish what is actually needed and what is just an attempt to part you from your hard earned cash.
I know this all makes it sound very “any idiot could work it out” and in the cold light of day they could but these people are very good at what they do and are very convincing.
Please learn the behaviour patterns of online dating scammers so you don’t become a victim.
May 28th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
I tried Yahoo personals and the only women who contacted me on the site at all were scammers. Scammers from the UK, scammers from Russia. Really sucked the fun out of online dating.
June 5th, 2010 at 1:34 am
Beware of online dating, the majority of woman from Russia,Ukraine, UK,and other country are
born insane. Similar to the originator of the new world order,and the
followers of adolf hitler
June 5th, 2010 at 5:33 am
Hi Sally
Me again, it is too bad that I did not know about this site before, as you are describing exactly what happened to me, everything you describe from the beginning until where you say about asking money, happened to me with Colllins Clemente but it was my first time on a dating website and I did not know this kind of people where out there playing with other people´s feelings just for money. His profile seem to me a a normal profile and his pictures also, a 51 year old man who was supposed to live in England, Manchester, divorced and widow with a 12 year old daughter. What was strange is that it seem to be a millionare businessman as he sent me a “supposed contract to buy art in Africa for a very important client, it was s 1.300.000.000 euro contract and after that the bank account so that I wired money to my account and then send him cash with western union. I am pasting here his profile for you to check (i must say that what he wrote at his profile is more or less what i would like from a man and very similar to my own profile, so i did not see anything extrange here.
I consider myself to be intelligent, respectful and kind, while possessing a good sense of humor as well. I am an honest person, looking for the same in a woman.Integrity and sincerity are very important qualities to me.I like a woman who is sure of herself but humble,not afraid to let someone know the real person inside.I have always been a little shy,but given the right person and situation,I love to be spontaneous,and immensely enjoy someone who can bring out the best in me!I enjoy doing most anything fun, including traveling and experiencing new places near and far. I love being active by riding bikes,paiting at my gallery,playing basketball,bowling, etc…I’m a giving person and get along with almost anyone. I’m a hard working, very stable,family oriented man, who enjoys all that there is in life and I’m always optimistic that tomorrow will be even better than today.I have a daughter who is 12years old and we are very close.I am a man looking for a special lady to share conversation and fun times with being friends first,
and seeing where it may lead us.I am not looking for perfection, but I am looking for someone who is genuine and true to themselves.I am also looking for someone who is intelligent, and confident.
for fun:
I enjoy travel, dining, movies, the outdoors, the beach, museums and most sports.
favorite hot spots:
Dining out?Any place with better cusine than I do.Travel? My first choice is anywhere with sand, sun & salt water but make a suggestion,I’m ready & willing!
favorite things:
I love animals and nature in general and enjoy the special feeling of walking in the woods or on the beach on a nice day.
June 6th, 2010 at 1:54 am
Good lord James you must have had a bad one. I am from the UK and would hate anyone to suggest I am a follower of Hitler.
I hope your opinion of women changes when the hurt subsides.
June 6th, 2010 at 1:59 am
Hi Sony
The problem is when you join an online dating site you are excited .. maybe this place will hold the answer to your dreams … so you don’t go to the help pages and learn about scammers or how to be safe online. I watch the statistics on my website and can tell you that only 2% of new members click the link in my welcome email to the dating safety pages. It doesn’t help that 90% of the internet is full of rubbish and designed just to build links. Until search engines change the way they work to get rid of a lot of that dross people will always struggle to find good information.
June 6th, 2010 at 2:14 am
Thanks Sally
You are right. I am really happy to have found your website, it is actually the only website I have ever found to help people get rid from scammers. Again, I never thought there were these people. I knew there were people trying to get your money from fake business as I have gotten request for electronic tickets to be paid with credit cards and I know credit cards would be stollen without even asking for information so I just dont answer them, but i did not know there were also people triying to get your money with fake profiles on the dating sites. It is too bad as you normally get involved and think the other operson is trustworthy and sincere as you are.
Anyway, I am so happy to have had this bad experience as I learned from it and I did not loose any money, besides this, I am helping other people from being scammed.
Thanks again, an dI have all his messages in case you want to post them just let me know and i will send one by one.
June 6th, 2010 at 4:47 am
Hi Sony
I have just posted about the things I found in the “legal contract” so I hope it will help others.
I’m afraid there is fraud in every walk of life, anywhere people can make money there are also scammers, whether that is dating, pensions or even charities. It is sad and of course the internet makes it so much easier for these people but with people like us around hopefully we can educate others on what to look out for.
June 6th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
It is correct Sally!! There is fraud everwhere. You can´t imagine how many email requests i get for electronic tickets or hotel bookings and I know from the first moment they ae fake as they start saying they would like to pay with credit card even without asking for amounts to be paid, etc. I am very used to this kind of fraud and now I now i have lots of experience for dating scammers also. Sometimes it is good to have such experiences at least once, otherwise you will never know that people like this exist. I have always thought that even though I have invested my feelings, if I find out that the person is just trying to get advantage of me in anyway, money, contacts, etc. I am not interested to take the relationship to a second level. And it may also happen in your own country. Actually before having my profile in match.com I had it on another site baboo.com where i was contacted mainly by people form my country, then i got one who looked like a very nice guy, we actually met and started a friendship relationship which was taking a kind of “commertial relationship” then he asked me to borrow money from me to help in for his business as he was having a difficult situation. I am not thinking he wanted to steal my money but i did not like at all his behavior as we only had 2 weeks of knowing each other as friends and planning to start someday a love relationship, so i said to myself…if he is asking me now this kind of favour, what will he ask later when we are a couple?? After this I got the contact from match with collins and you know the story…. so despite these 2 stories, i am still trusting i can find someone different. I think the lesson learned here is that you can not say how much you have or you can not look like a very good businnessman, economic independent, as people may want to take advantage of this I an not rich but i havve a good life which i built myself with hard work and i am not planing to let anybody take advantage of it. I actually feel good alone and I am happy but i would give myself the opportunity to find someone that deserves me but I am not desperate.
June 30th, 2010 at 12:34 am
Hi Sally,
Regarding the comment from Sony, June 6, 2010, her scammer man types very similar to my scammer. Is there anyway, she can contact me and we can compare notes? My guy said he was widowed and had 12 year old twins (a boy and a girl). Also said he just retired from the Australian Defense Force, yet he had an accent that was very hard to understand, not Australian or English. Said he had grown up in Europe, yet it was not like one I ever heard. Maybe he was African? He also played basketball. His photos were good looking – really cute white guy with rugged looks, the photos weren’t professional. I often wondered if the person I was chatting and talking to the phone with was a different person than the man in the photographs. I sent him money a couple times, but refused the last time he asked. He was in touch less and less after that. Can’t believe I fell for this guy.
July 14th, 2010 at 5:34 pm
I was chatting with a girl who called herself Lucy Benson. She said she was from Chicago but was in Nigeria working for UNICEF. She wanted me to make a donation to the children there and gave me the address. A few days later she said she was robbed at gun point along with everyone else in the hotel by nigerian militants. She said UNICEF helped her with some money but wanted me to send some too. She got very angry when I said she sounded like a scam. She said she was supposed to be in Chicago for good on july 17th but needed BTA money. I looked up BTA and read about the scam. My heart was a little broken cause man those pictures were fine! Someone out there really has a girlfriend that pretty but its not me. I quess that is what really upsets me.
July 15th, 2010 at 11:43 pm
Hi Phillip
They use photos from model agency websites, so I’m afraid the money you sent certainly didn’t go to the woman in the picture. Always be sceptical of photos of gorgeous people on dating websites … how many women have you met that look that “fine” and don’t have a string of men chasing them?
Be realistic when you look on dating sites, you know what they say .. if it looks too good to be true then it probably is!!
July 31st, 2010 at 3:27 am
Yeah, it appears right now I have been scammed. Supposely, a 33 year old from Accra, Ghana sweet talked me to death. She did not ask me anything at the beginning but later questions and answers progressed. I have to admit, “she got me”. What they do is learn your weakness as soon as they. Send you additonal pictures just to get you excited…..again that worked. I am so naive, darn. She said that she wanted to be with me forever last. Right, that’s when I really started to pick up on the scam. Eventually, I requested additional pictures. She said I don’t have any money to buy a camera….I only make $80 a month. Well stupid me decided to buy a camera and send it to her. I was lucky. The cost to ship the camera was $260, hence the camera only cost $80. Now, we Americans are not that dumb. lol So I guess the chat stops here. Well anyway for the most part she took me for a ride….what I waste of time.
August 1st, 2010 at 4:28 am
Hi Charles
There is no need to feel naive or stupid, these things are always easy to spot when you are standing on the outside but when it’s you and your keyboard on a lonely night these people feel like the answer to all your prayers. They are good at what they do and better people than us have been conned.
Learn a lesson, if it seems too good to be true … it usually is. You will not make the same mistake again, so it was $260 well spent to learn the lesson.
August 6th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
I have been talking to this man everyday for a month. He has offered advice, discussed politics and general fun conversations. I hit a financial blip and he offered to send me $10000 to help me. I told him I dont’ want his money but he wanted to do it so I said we could draw up a contract and use paypal. Anyway, I said that to try to “flush” him out and see who he truly is. The following day I receive an email. This is the second of those emails because his first was so confusing. He has NOT asked me for money but I need advice to see if any of it sounds familiar or if it makes sense. Thanks! ::
“You know this tax issue is complicated, let me try and explain it to you a little… my company is registered in U.K but I do not have an office address in the U.K or anywhere else because that I am still working with Halliburton and having a working address, staffs and company structure will be a direct violation of my employment agreement with Halliburton and that will make me to loss my retirement benefits which now runs into millions of dollars and going by that I will retire in 2013 from Halliburton I just have to hold on for some more time before I come out open with my company… so now I have been living in the U.S since the past one year and have never stepped my foot into London other than last few weeks when I came down for the this contract which means that my company has been completely dormant for a year and that means that I have had zero income and thereby I am not liable to pay for income tax since I have already paid for my yearly operational tax which is mandatory for every company whether operational or not and so after I won the contract the government just charged me for tax evasion for not paying my income tax… this is unusual because no one will pay income tax when the company has had zero income since the past one year due to their dormancy in operation and also going by that I have not dotted the last part of the contract with SHELL yet which was why I was in Oman to cost the project and then give my bill quotation to SHELL logically I should be totally exempted from the tax till I sign the financial part of the contract but my lawyer said that since the law states that for a company that has had a dormant operation within a year to come back to start operation that they will have to pay a sum of £10,000.00 before resuming operation, so my crime was that I was suppose to pay the £10,000.00 dormancy fee before submitted my proposal but you know it is just flimsy since I am still in the process of agitating for the contract and so this is where my argument lies… SHELL cannot continue association with me since I have a case with eth government, and SHELL also will come in court on Friday with me as the third party offender for not doing there background checks well before giving me the contract…and so now all I need from the SHELL lawyers that will come to court on Friday is just for them to say the truth because if they try to exempt themselves totally from me, I may have problems.. the truth being that they checked my tax status and it was updated going by that I have paid for my operational tax but since my companies income for the last year under review was zero that they thought my income tax will start to count as at when I sign the contract with them and that we are still in the preliminary stage of signing the contract at the moment and so that they thought it was not important yet…”
Babe I know it is a little confusing and you know the British laws are different from the American laws, but I believe that it is pretty simple if you will cool down and read my first email and this one carefully since I have tried to explain the situation to you to the best of my knowledge… you know the worst thing abt this situation is that I have only but one bank account and I do not have a bank account in the U.S since my bank in UK the Natwest Bank makes it that I can write a check I withdraw money from any bank in the world within 5 minutes, so going by this very flexible banking service that I have with my bank I saw no need to have any other bank account, so my house in California and everything I have in the world is finances by my bank which is Natwest bank and so at the moment my account and asset is frozen and all which is under the finance of my one bank… I just feel like this biggest fool in the world now by putting all my eggs in one basket”
August 9th, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Hi Becky
SCAMMER.
Allow me to give you some hints:
because that I am .. since the past one year – grammatically incorrect and many more examples the above drivel.
staffs – uses inappropriate plurals
my company is registered in U.K but I do not have an office address in the U.K or anywhere else – zero understanding of what it takes to register a company in the UK.
I have already paid for my yearly operational tax which is mandatory for every company whether operational or not – Rubbish
Only one bank account but runs his own registered company and works for an employer – doesn’t understand the British banking system.
You get the drift?
My guess is you are being set up for a money transfer. This is where they send you a cheque (check in American) or bankers draft. You then put this into your account, which will soon show as a deposit. You then withdraw the money from your account and send it to him. After a few days/weeks your bank catch up to the fact that is is a fake money order/check/bank draft and they demand the money back from you and inform the police you have been defrauding the bank.
The emails are simply to muddy the water, so he can always say “but Babe I explained it to you in my emails and you still don’t understand”. He then finds a way to send you £50,000 and you get to keep the £10,000 you need and send the other £40,000 to him … hey everyone is happy!!!
If you need any of the above explained in detail please use the Ask a Dating Question link at the top of the blog and drop me an email … I try not to teach them too much through this blog.
August 21st, 2010 at 12:56 pm
I think I can count myself one of the luckier ones. Just walked away from someone posing as Amanda Stanton on AYI and found out later she had the same picture with the name Lizzy van Thomas posted on the same site. One’s from Michigan and the other one’s from New Mexico. The photos were beautiful and they know which bottons to push. My first red flag was the way the sentences were formed in the emails. They did not sound like they’re from someone who went to college in the States. Still I continued with the online chat until yesterday when they asked for money. Not much, just 1000BP tax surcharge to get their consignment through customs. The next flag was when she told me she’s never encountered additional charges for customs and she doesn’t have credit cards. Then additional flags went up as I checked on her background: She was listed in the yellow pages but then directory assistance shows that there’s noone by that name is living at the address listed. To make the story short. I told her I’m ending the relationship and walked away. Here’s a suggestion to all: use a different email address when you’re involved with online dating than the one you typically use to do all your online transactions. And if it’s too good to be true, it usually is. Thanks for letting me vent.