If your man flirts with other women this doesn’t necessarily mean he will stray. When confronted about flirting in front of you most men will deny they do it, simply because they are unaware they do.
Of course I am not talking about the level of flirting where he is actively trying to seek something outside your relationship by asking for phone numbers, this is intentional and is grounds for a serious ditching. I am talking about the normal degree of whiplash men of all ages tend to get when a pretty girl passes by or they can’t help but make puppy eyes at the girl in the supermarket, this is usually purely unintentional.
There is no point getting all bent out of shape about it and the first thing to remember is that he is with you, not her. Keep that in your mind, use it as a mantra if jealousy rears it’s head and read my tips on dealing with jealousy. He has chosen to be with you and yet there are plenty more fish in the sea if he didn’t want to be with you.
There is also no point in assuming he thinks there is something wrong with you. When you are out with your female friends you discuss gorgeous movie stars and the hunk at the gym, we all do but that doesn’t mean you think your man is ugly or fat, it just means you recognise the beauty in someone else.
First you have to decide if it is innocent and unintentional or if he really is trying it on with someone else. This is usually quite obvious because if he is unintentionally flirting and you touch his arm this should draw his attention back to you. If he ignores you and continues flirting then you need to take a good look at whether you are in the right relationship.
If he is just being friendly, watching a pretty girl pass by or trying to butter up his bosses wife then you really have little to worry about.
My husband speaks Arabic and when I first got married a couple of years ago we were together at his work when a pretty girl walked past and he made a comment in Arabic to his friends. I wish I had had a video camera with me that day to record the look on his face when I said “do you think it’s acceptable to make such a comment with your wife in the room”. He tried the old “you didn’t translate what I said correctly” because he hadn’t realised that I had started to learn Arabic but he soon realised I had.
He was very relieved when I made a joke about it but I did explain that whilst I understand men naturally look at pretty women I found it insulting when he did it in front of me. It only took a couple more loud coughs at the right moment before he quickly realised that oggling pretty girls was a no-no in front of me. He now goes overboard and mimics an ostrich whenever a pretty girl walks in, which I admit I do find reassuring but we are both aware and content that he still peeks when I am not around.
If you make a big jealous song and dance about this issue you will start to blow the issue out of proportion. Do you ever look at a man and think “he’s handsome” or “look at that six pack”? Of course you do but that doesn’t mean you are going to run over and rip his clothes off.
Try to keep such a discussion light hearted but serious enough to get your point across. If he says he is unaware he is doing it then don’t assume he is lying, tell him you will touch him on the arm when you catch him doing it so he becomes aware of when he is does it. If he loves you and is committed to your relationship he will be happy with this suggestion.
If he says he is aware he is doing it but is only being friendly then discuss, again without a shouting match, what each of you finds acceptable and agree on a compromise which suits you both.
If you believe he should focus all of his intention on you all of the time then I would suggest the issue lies with your own insecurities and you are likely to suffocate him. Ask yourself whether he flirted with you when you first met and if this was part of his friendly charm, if the answer is yes then why should you demand he totally change his behaviour?
Remember nobody can go through life wearing blinkers and the perfect night out at a party means that a couple arrive together, are both happy to mingle separately and then go home together. This is an indication of a committed, secure relationship.
There is an excellent article in Time magazine explaining why we flirt and may help you to understand your man’s (un)intentions.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:29 am
I think this article is amazing. Quite true of the way it happens. Pretty practical yet handles the problem easily. I feel the same, that guys will always be indulged in flirting, we cant change it. Just that most important is despite the flirtatious nature how does your guy treat you- Does he still find you hot, sweet, charming, beautiful, worth listening. Can you still make him skip a heart beat? Can you still turn his head once you are dressed? Can he still prioritise you wherever needed? Does he take you for granted or the relation you share for granted?
April 21st, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Hi Mansi, sorry for the late reply, I have been computerless for a week. I have always been fond of the saying “he can read the menu but can’t order any food”. If a woman can accept that men do look at women and some do flirt without realising they are doing it then the women would be much happier in themselves, as long as the man puts in the effort to show her she is the one he cares about.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Hey Sally,
I agree with you on this completely. Even my guy looksa at other women even when we are walking together. Bu little can I do about it – so I IGNORE !!
But ya when we are together he truly cares for me. TOUCHWOOD
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:11 am
Hi Mansi,
I am so pleased to hear that, sounds like you’ve got a good man. It’s really not such a big deal as long as they only look but some women drive themselves to distraction and ruin their relationship over it, they only hurt themselves in the long run.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:08 am
Hi Sally,
Truly said, but there are some trust issues that i have on him due to some reason – he kind of deviated some time back..(will sound a little contradictory to what i had written in the last comment)- Iam trying my best to build it back..Its like when we are together Iam fine, but i really do not like him going out with other women (that too those women who have an ultimate crush on him)-basically late nights. I just IGNORE it all, coz I love him and want this relation running. His Ex-GF calls him sometimes who desperately wants to get back to him (he had a 5 year relation with her) – but he tries to shove her off on this, otherwise he speaks to her nicely..Iam just trying to let go off all these aprehensions and foster the bond. He has a vague idea of all this… But he tries his best to give me all the attention and love as well. He’s a flirtatious soul and believes in some healthy flirting.. and loves gals to woo on him..there’s so much that i really really IGNORE..and if i dont and start panicing on everything..it doesnt solve any purpose..I ust love him thats all i know..and yaa he loves me too
Touchwood
April 29th, 2009 at 2:20 am
Hi Mansi
So sorry to take so long to respond, my laptop has been dead for a fortnight so am using sticky keyboards in internet cafes at the moment YUK.
What do you mean about him going out with other women? Do you mean social nights out with female friends?
OK so he deviated a while ago .. that is not the end of the world if he is really trying to rebuild your trust BUT he must make a real effort and you must be able to see this. He has to accept he did wrong so must put in some hard work to regain your trust .. it is not just up to you to ignore his behaviour and smile sweetly while hurting inside.
Only you can make the judgement as to whether his flirting is an innocent part of his character or something to worry about. If it seems innocent then yes ignore it but only to a point. You must also communicate with him, tell him what you can cope with and what hurts you.
One reason men and women find it hard to communicate is men live in the moment, women do not. This results in us getting a mood on and dragging up every small fault we ever witnessed in him. Bad move. If he does something that makes you uncomfortable you must tell him but do it in a very singular way. Only mention that one instance, say something like “I can cope with your casual flirting but today you went OTT with the girl in the cafe and it hurt my feelings, please don’t do it again”.
Men can cope with that sort of thing, it tells them exactly what they did to upset you without a screaming match dragging up a list of wrongs from the past. You then watch him to see whether or not he gets the message, if he does it again only mention that time .. of course if he keeps repeating it you can only do this so often until you have to realise he isn’t willing to change.
At the end of the day you must value yourself above all, don’t drive yourself nuts with things that are not important but also don’t sell yourself short and put up with things that hurt you just for a peaceful life. Never let the fear of losing somone make you live an unhappy life but if you can see he is really trying then give him credit for it, remember to say thank you when he puts you first and just be straight and tell him when he does something you don’t like.
April 29th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Hi,
Dont be sorry plz…though i was waiting for a reply from you. I believe that you have quite rightly put it all in the above para…appreciated !! He’s trying, thats visible..I have always pointed out that i dont appreciate him going out with his girl friends late nights, so he avoids it all now. I try my best, never to drag the topic of his deviation..dont want to always live in past..that moment hurts me the most.
I have started telling him sometimes whatever hurts me now..have started ventilating myself, coz it would have suffocated me and would have hampered the relation. But Sally, trust u me, i have been very open hearted, open minded in accepting his deviation even and i have made my career secondary when its about him. Thats how i love him…get it from him as well.
He’s someone who likes me to be straight about everything rather than beating around the bush. There are times when i expect him to understand everything but he would tell me that I could have been explicit about the problem. My point of view is that we dont need to tell each other everything what may hurt us, what may not..since we love each other, this should be a part of understanding. Eg: That day i saw his snaps in his orkut profile (i dont have an orkut profile, my friend does) so i visited my guy’s profile from my friend’s profile..i was taken aback to see his ex-GF’s snap there (was a 5 yr relation), i told him that i was shocked, he told me that he did not even remember that her snap is still there and told me that he’ll remove it. I dont know what feeling took over me, i thought its no point asking and making him do something, so i said ‘no, its ok’..he forgot to delete it (mind u- my snap is not in his orkut profile at all, coz once wen he had put it, his cousins and all had started questioning, though his mom is well aware of me and likes me, his brother likes me too…M an Indian and this family liking is considered very imp in our case..He had a break up with his Ex coz she wasnt fit for his family)…. so today morning we had a fight coz he wanted me to explicitly confess that i did not appreciate his ex’s snap in his orkut…(thankfully he doesnt have any feelings for his Ex anymore, took him some 3-4 months to move on from her)..
Towards the end of conversation, i said iam sorry, i’ll be more straight in communicating my feelings, but i did not want to force you to do something..wanted you to realise it and it was a ground level expectation that u will remove her snap…anyways, it did not crop up in any feud..We hate to fight..everything solved and i said that i just dont like her snap there..
There are at times some hitches left here and there and iam quite emotionally dependent on him..Iam just keeping my fingers crossed and want to marry him and even he has pretty clear in his head that he wants to marry me…
I have got him with much struggle in my life..i have been more skewed towards him in the stat, now even he’s very caring and loving for me and i just dont want to lose him..i call him my prized possession..
April 30th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Hi Mansi,
Sorry but I agree with your man about the photo of his ex, if you didn’t like it being there you should have said so and asked him to remove it. It isn’t about forcing him to do something, it’s about communicating what you need and want to him. He cannot read your mind and even if you ask him to remove it nothing means he has to but at least you have told him what you want. By not asking to remove it you were hoping he would underdstand your feelings and remove it anyway .. read the post I just made about “why doesn’t he understand my problem”.
The problem with us girls is we understand each other, if I casually mention to you that “oh look Marni, you have a photo of my husband on your orkut account .. cough, cough” it would take you about 5 minutes to remove it because as women we think with our feelings so you would understand I didn’t like it even though I didn’t say so but we can make the mistake of expecting men to think in the same way and they simply don’t. If you want something you have to ask for it, no beating around the bush or waiting for him to realise and just do it, then feeling hurt when he doesn’t.
You will find that he would much prefer you to say “I don’t like you doing that” than you saying nothing and being upset about it. If he loves you he doesn’t want to hurt you but he needs you to communicate with him and tell him what will make you happy or what makes you upset, then he can avoid doing it.
April 29th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
and ya..answer to your question- going out with female friends means meeting them- just he and whoever that friend is..i dont object it if its not late night. neither do i object it if he goes in a group.
But since the time he has deviated, though he’s trying to build the trust back, yet i find it really difficult…iam trying to cope up. to carry a relation on, trust has to be there…
Awaiting your reply…
April 30th, 2009 at 9:17 am
I wouldn’t object to going out with a group of friends but must admit I would draw the line at him going out alone with a female friend .. it’s just too much like a date for me to be comfortable with given his previous indiscretion. I would think if he is trying to build the trust back he would understand that going out alone with a female friend is going to make you suspicious or uncomfortable.
May 1st, 2009 at 11:46 am
Hi Sally,
I agree with you, now actually i have decided to be upfront with him on everything…it actually is not fair to expect him to understand everything without me even saying it..will certainly read your post, the articles that you write are very nice and they make complete sense to me.Iam sure that he loves me. and will not want to hurt me.
Thanks…
May 7th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Hi Sally
was just wonderung if u can suggest me on this- if a guy is in contact with his ex Girl Friend, then how should the current Girl Firend handle this?
May 13th, 2009 at 3:19 am
Hi Mansi
This is quite a big subject so I shall do a post about it soon but for now I would be asking him why he feels the need to stay in touch with his ex. I am assuming this is the 4 year relationship he had but his family did not approve of her .. if so that would make me feel uncomfortable about an ongoing friendship between them.
It is possible to remain friends with an ex with no romantic feelings toward them but that is quite rare, usually people remain in contact with an ex because one of them feels they have unfinished business.
Talk to him about it, ask if she was so dependent on him that he now still feels emotionally responsible for her … if yes then he needs to transfer those feelings to you. At the end of the day moving forward into your future together must be a priority over trying to stay connected to the past.
May 13th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Hi Sally,
I asked him if he has some emotional connect with his ex still? or does it bother him if he speaks with her? or is he still possessive about her? jealous if she’s with a guy etc etc..he denies it all. Just says that coz of a 5 yrs relation, he cant shove her off if she calls. As of now coz of recession my guy is changing his job and this ex is trying to help him alot in changing, though i feel that she’s just trying to find excuses to speak with him…he tells me at times that he feels the same..
somethings are just out of my control Sally !!
May 15th, 2009 at 2:17 am
Hi Mansi,
Here’s a couple of things for you to think about. Your guy is discussing this with you and isn’t trying to keep his communication with his ex a secret … that can only be a good thing. The fact that he says he also thinks sometimes she is helping him just to find excuses to communicate is also a positive, it means he is aware of this and hasn’t gone running back to her. If he was still interested in her romantically then he would recognise her signals and do something about it.
5 years is a long time to be with someone and you mentioned your culture, which I believe brings men up to feel responsible for their women emotionally and physically, so it’s not surprising he finds it hard to withdraw from her .. although he must take your feelings into consideration.
As long as he is being open and frank about her communications I really wouldn’t worry too much. If you are sure in your heart that he loves you and doesn’t want her back then let it go or you’ll drive yourself nuts. Let’s face it if he no longer has romantic feelings for her then you should be much more worried about who he might meet tomorrow than who he knew in the past.
May 17th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Hi Sally,
You understand people very well i guess, even without meeting us you have penned down all accurate stuff i guess.. Me and him just had an argument yesterday about his ex. And i really think we shouldnt be killing our relation coz of someone who isnt worth it even.His ex called up twice yaesterday when we both were together. I asked him to take her call n tell het that he’s busy and with me. He did but with a little hitch that i sensed. Anyhow, i think that he isnt lying to me, i cant leave a detective after him and i dont wanna be one over possessive cribbing and nagging girl. I think the best is ttat i let go off it. There will not be much that i would be even able to do if he starts lying with me..For eg, he tells me he has a meeting and goes and meets her (their offices are nearby)..i wont even get to know it..so i guess i’ll need to give him space n time , so that he never lies n hides stuff from me
May 17th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Hi Mansi
I think any man would have a little concerned about letting you speak to the ex, it is not an indication of any feeling for her but a worry that it will start a fight between you and her if either of you are rude. However he did let you speak to her so that shows he is with you and isn’t trying to hide that from the ex.
If a man has a happy home life he rarely goes to another woman. Why would he if he is getting what he needs at home. If you start nagging and being jealous then he is more likely to go out with friends and meet somone new.
I think you have to trust him on this one but let him know it makes you a little uncomfortable. Don’t be emotional when you say it, just state it as a fact and then he can never say you were not straight with him about how you feel.
I was talking to a friend about this the other day, she has 2 ex husbands and they are all friends. She goes out shopping and to the gym with the ex husbands new wives. If you can be confident that the emotional side of a relationship is over then there is no reason the friendship side cannot remain.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Hi Sally,
I guess you are pretty much right in saying..that in case the emotional side is over then there’s nothing left as such..My guy was telling me that he had a fight with his Ex last evening, she was trying to make fun of me. He hated that, blasted her off. They both hung up the phone..yesterday was the first time i ever told him to stop speaking with her. I can still fell that she cant take the fact that me and he are happy together, she’s jealous, actually she wants him back..Today she happened to sms him asking for a sorry for last day’s fight, he wasnt rude, but a little reluctant for sureand did not welcome her as such..guess thats a positive sign..
May 20th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
It’s a very positive sign Mansi, it means that mentally he is getting ready to move her in to the past. May I suggest you don’t push the issue, just let nature take it’s course now.
You should also be delighted that he is defending you. He may have made a mistake in the past but from what you tell me he is trying to put things right.
July 12th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
When I happen to talk to some women, I would carry on a conversation about nothing, stuff in their lives, stuff in my life (With, and about my life with her.) I am a people person, and I can talk up a storm. At times I will talk so much that I don’t think about the other people around me (wife). I end up ignoring them unintentionally for a time. And with out making any advances to the other person, that I am aware of, I will be accused of flirting with that person. How can I make myself aware of my flirting so I don’t disrespect my wife? Or is she, with her jeleous nature, perceving the conversations wrong?
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:36 am
Hi Leo
I’m afraid without actually meeting you and your wife it would be difficulty to say if your wife is too jealous or if you are crossing a line, albeit unintentionally.
Personally I would attack the problem from two angles.
Firstly you need to sit down and discuss the problem with your wife, ask her outright if she trusts you, if she feels secure in your marriage and what about your behaviour is making her feel insecure. Suggest a signal between you both, she can touch you in a certain way or use a codeword when she thinks you are flirting to alert you to it and then examine what you were doing but please remember that a marriage doesn’t mean you can never speak to the opposite gender again. You and your wife have to find a level where you can socialise without feeling scared of retribution but she also feels secure in your relationship. Nothing can kill a marriage stone dead quicker than suffocating jealousy so make sure your wife is also aware of your feelings … marriage is always a compromise.
Secondly as you are aware of your wife’s jealousy you should try to include her more in your conversations, even if that means looking over regularly and winking at her, just so she knows you are still aware of her. A nice compliment on the way home will also help to make her feel more secure.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
You know this is totally true. But I hope every woman commenting that ‘oh, that’s just something they do and it’s nothing we can do about it’ knows that they have just stabbed their own sex in the back. You are ruining this world for young girls everywhere. Just like we can help it: we don’t oggle at passing men freely: they can too. It is this stupid society that teaches men that they can do whatever they want without consequence and that women have to follow behind and just except it because that is just the way it goes. F— that. I’m tired of it and if I ever have sons I am going to teach them that it’s not exceptable to do that. We can’t go on just pretending the things that they do don’t hurt us, and aren’t morally right. I’m done pretending.
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:28 am
Hi silentletterk
I’m just wondering if when you are in a relationship you ever look at men, perhaps when you are out with the girls?
As I say in the article, of course it’s not ok for men to flirt in a manner where they are actually trying to start up a relationship or get her telephone number but everyone looks … men look at women and women look at men. Failure to accept that fact simply means you’ve never been on a girls night out.
It’s all well and good insisting that men change and stop looking but when are we going to insist that women stop looking too?
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:28 am
silentletterk, i am in total agreement with you. There are decent men out there who have the out most respect for their girlfriends or wives and they don’t stare or flirt around like whores. I wonder what men would do if their girlfriends or wives stared at other men while they were at a restaurant, or at the beach. They would not like it one bit. There are some decent men left, but sadly they are few and scarce. To accept a man that ogles women and call it normal, is not acceptable. Men must learn that women are treasures that are not to be treated like jokes.
I had to teach my ex a lesson. He was a huge asshole that i tried talking too about his flirting, but he began flirting even more…. so i started flirting and staring at attractive men and asking for phone numbers. he was not very happy. He learned the hard way But i guess he is some other woman’s problem now.
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Hi Wendy
Ask yourself a question .. if you were in a supermarket with your partner, casually chatting to the male cashier and when you got into the car your partner started accusing you of flirting and ogling the cashier how would you feel or react? Wouldn’t you take it as a lack of trust from your partner and wouldn’t it frustrate you and make you feel controlled and smothered?
That is what happens when some women become jealous over the slightest glance or conversation with another woman and it must drive men nuts. Women don’t like it when their man is obsessively jealous so why shouold men put up with it.
Flirting around like a whore, ogling and asking for telephone numbers is of course totally out of order and shows a complete lack of respect for your relationship. I also agree that men would not like it if women did the same thing but I bet you still notice when a good looking man walks into a bar or restaurant. Of course that doesn’t mean you are interested in the man but you do notice him, that’s human nature.
You say “To accept a man that ogles women and call it normal, is not acceptable.” and this is where you appear to have misundestood the article. Ogling is not acceptable or normal but glancing at a pretty girl is normal and should be acceptable if you are confident in your relationship.
Something we must all keep in mind is that we ourselves give out signals to our partner which dictates how we will be treated. Imagine I send out signals to my husband which say he must focus all of his intention on me wherever we go .. sorry but it’s unrealistic, unhealthy, smothering and clearly suggests I am insecure in our relationship.
What I am trying to achieve with this article is for women to find a healthy balance between unreasonable jealousy and accepting the unacceptable. Actively seeking women to chat up or asking for telephone numbers is not acceptable but being friendly to the cashier at the supermarket or noticing a pretty girl walk past is not, in my mind, grounds for divorce or 3 nights sleeping on the sofa.
My parents are in their 60′s now and when my father looks at a woman my mother hits him playfully … the reason I say this is because my parents have been married for almost 50 years and my father would be the last person to stray but even at his age he still looks at women .. it’s what men do and women insisting they stop isn’t going to change it, it just means they won’t do it in front of us and if they only do it when we are not there then there is a higher chance of them taking further than a glance.
Also, saying that decent men are few and far between is insulting to men. Yes there are plenty of ratbags out there but there are also plenty of bitter and selfish women. There are plenty of decent men out there, who are looking for a committed relationship but of course it’s up to us to choose wisely.
September 26th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Hey Sally…Iam back after being dormant for ages
how have u been duin? I wanted to take some advice from you, not very comfortable in typing my prob on the blog, may i have any other way to communicate with u? Thanks !!
September 30th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Hi Mansi
At the very top of the blog is a button called “Ask a dating question” .. just click that and you can send a private message to my personal email. Look forward to hearing from you.
October 3rd, 2009 at 5:30 am
Seriously… People in relationships make too much of a deal about every little thing.
Grow up.
October 17th, 2009 at 2:33 am
Guys looking and admiring every time pretty girls passes by is just a normal thing. It only shows he knows how to appreciate beauty but it doesn’t mean he don’t appreciate you! As long as you are secured and well-loved by him, there’s nothing to worry about.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:38 am
hi i do have a problem i am a lot older than my man i am fat i cant walk properly because i had a hip replacement im 20 years older have been going out with him for three years he used to wind me up with other women somthing rotton like with nudes books pop star actors he does not do that anymore when i cried and said i can understand why he finds them so hot now i feel he hides that to save my feelings i felt upset because he was chatting up women for my son and told him i did not like it he could not see the problem with this but told me he would not do that again for my peace of mind recently i found out he chatted up young girls for his friend but had told me he woul never do that now im wondering how much more he is hiding like is he still intrested in the girl over tescos he told me he rally liked or did he really still like his best friend gina that he told me he was in love with when i first knew him and has carried on spending the night with but said he has never had sex with please help
October 25th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Hi Angela
You didn’t make it clear what basis your relationship is built on. Are you married, living together, in a committed relationship or just casually seeing each other? Have you stated to each other you are an item and will not see other people?
Forgive me but it sounds like you are suffering from a lack of confidence and this will affect your relationship. I am considerably older than my husband so I do understand this and sometimes I have to give myself a metaphorical slap when I let my own insecurities start to creep in.
As a stranger what I read between the lines of your message is that you asked him to stop/hide certain behaviours and now you are feeling concerned that he is hiding them.
One problem men can have with women is that if they are honest they get into trouble and if they fib they get into trouble, they can’t do right for doing wrong.
He was honest about looking at magazines and most men find airbrushed models in magazines hot, as long as they understand it is a fantasy world and they don’t allow it to become an addiction or start wanting you to dress or look like those fake images. You say he used to wind you up with these images, do you mean by looking at them or by showing you them and saying you should look/dress like that?
From what you say, when you tell him something bothers you he then stops it or hides it from you. Now you are left concerned about what he is hiding from you, so you need to pick your battles carefully.
Does he chat with these women in front of you or when you are not there? What do your friends say, do they say he is a flirt? The girl in Tesco, what did he say about her, did he say he liked her as a person or did he say he fancied her or would like to go out with her?
As for staying overnight regularly with a female friend I am afraid this is one step too far for me, i would not accept it from my husband but again it depends what basis your relationship is on.
He says he chats up women for friends and your son, this is silly really. The old “my mate fancies you” should stop in the school yard and that is something you should discuss with him.
At the end of the day does he seem committed to you, does he love you and treat you with respect? How much of his “unacceptable” behaviour would you accept from a man your own age and how much is simply your own securities.
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:29 pm
I guess one good thing is hes being up front her but that all seems like odd behavior to me. How much does she really know what this guy is up to?
.-= get my girlfriend back´s last blog ..FREE Report On Getting Back With Your Ex =-.
December 1st, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Hi Get my GF back
But how do we know what anyone is really up to? If casual flirting was a sure sign of straying then I doubt the innocent spouse in adultery divorces would all say they were the last to know and very often it is the person you would least suspect that is getting up to all sorts behind their partners back.
January 8th, 2010 at 3:46 am
Hi Sally,
I’ll admit that I do look at other women and flirt from time to time. Not in front of my wife though. It’s not that I’m trying to be sneaky, I am just respectful of my wife and her feelings. Besides when I’m with her she’s the only one I want to look at
Steve
.-= Steve@Pay Off Credit Card Debt´s last blog ..The 3 Best Reasons To Use Cash =-.
January 10th, 2010 at 5:37 am
Hi Steve
That’s what I like to see, a chap who can dig his way out of a hole he himself dug lol.
The good news is you are perfectly normal and have blood running through your veins. The bad news is your wife looks at men when you are not there. However both make for a healthy normal relationship.
April 19th, 2011 at 4:45 am
Gosh this is so sweet! I wish more guys were a gentleman like you!
January 18th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
HI,
I think this is really a great topic to discuss because most of the men are doing the same thing. So i think this thing shows that your man is really not in love with you because if he is flirting with other women then it is sure that he want more.
Anyways keep it up and keep continue with your valuable thoughts.
January 19th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Hi Sachin
Why would you think that your man doesn’t love you if he flirts? It is certainly not respectful to your partner to flirt with other people but I can’t agree it means they don’t love you.
March 19th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
You know I think it’s just the nature of man to notice a pretty woman – otherwise how would he be attracted to you? It’s when a woman makes a big deal of it and won’t stop nagging that it becomes an issue. If it is bothering you try and let him know it in a lighthearted way. For example, he’s openly watching a pretty girl walk by and you wave a hand in front of him and say ” hey, I’m over here Romeo” – all with a smile or a little laugh – and then LET IT GO! Don’t make things go sour over something that most men do without thinking about it.
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June 23rd, 2010 at 3:03 am
If you are not happy, just live single your whole life. Life isn’t perfect, humans are not perfect, we all know this!
July 5th, 2010 at 11:00 am
I hope my man doesn´t flirt with other women!
Looking after some nice women is okay, but not flirting with them!
July 27th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Hi, my boyfriend is an incredible flirt but only when he’s had a few beers, that I can live with.
The rest of the time he is very tentative and caring which gives me the security to turn a blind eye of his flirtatious manner.
It didn’t happen straight away and in the beggining I had to deal with it. (Not easy) but it paid off in the long run. We are entitled to feel a little jelous but its how you deal with it that counts.
September 24th, 2010 at 11:53 am
I know it’s normal for men to look at other women and women to look at other men, but somehow it still seems soooo hurtful and wrong. @steve – how would you feel if your wife was doing the same as you. Just because its the norm doesn’t make it right. Just Sayin.
October 31st, 2010 at 4:46 pm
I really do not understand how people can write such GARBAGE and get paid for it as well!!!
There is no second thought on what are the characteristics of males, they simply do not have right to flirt when they are in the relationship. The worst thing is how the females here are trying to take it lightly.
Remember if your guy respects you and REALLY loves you then he knows that flirting in front of you or in your absence hurts you and he will not do that. However guys are different from girls but they are human beings as well and truly understand how much flirting hurt!!!
By the way try to flirt in front of your man and you will get the answer.
God bless you ladies!
October 31st, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Hi Mansi
Thanks for you comments. I was rather confused when you talked about the “characteristics of males” and then stated they “do not have right to …. “. You appear to have missed the point totally, the fact that YOU insist men have no right does not change the characteristics of men, in some cases it merely changes their behaviour patterns but never their characteristics.
As for your comment “if your guy respects you and REALLY loves you” this is simply wrong on many levels and indicates the watching of one too many romantic movies. Defining how another person feels based on what YOU decide is acceptable behaviour to you should be reserved for true clairvoyants only. Men are also perfectly capable of being madly in love with their wife and still noticing the pretty girl that just walked past. In general men live in the moment, they do not dwell on what happened last week or see a woman’s every action as demonstrative of their true inner feeling … such insanity tends to be traits of women and the only people we hurt with it are ourselves.
As I said in the post, there is a big difference between trying to get a girls number and simply noticing she has nice boobs or legs. However, no matter what I decide I can or cannot accept will never change a mans characteristics, only his bahaviour around me.
January 2nd, 2011 at 12:18 am
I’m just speaking for myself, my man got loose with his tongue the other night paying qazillians of compliments to the bartender in front of me, I don’t mind one or two, but shortly after, I got pissed, and embarrassed him like nobody’s business, telling him where to go, and how to get there. My man is the strong macho type, I don’t care, he needs to respect me, wherever I go with him, I see handsome guys, and I don’t disrespect my man by flirting with them in front of him, I can if I want to to see how he feels about it, I know I will not be with those guys after flirting with them at the end of the day, I’m bedding with my man, not them, what I don’t do to him, I don’t want my man to do to me period. I’m not the jealous type, flirting is harmless but don’t get carried away, I don’t blame the girl, it’s not her fault, I blame him, and I don’t entertain what I don’t like for too long if the other party don’t care about my feelings, I let it go, nobody’s better than me, and I’m not better than anyone.
January 4th, 2011 at 5:06 am
Hi Anna
I think you are right, there is simply a line neither man nor woman should cross and clearly your man took a long leap across it.
January 14th, 2011 at 11:58 pm
There is such a thing as an innocent glance. What I think becomes the problem is not when the man just looks, anyone male or female for that matter..but when it becomes about making an “eye connection” I had recently been dating this guy who I tried to excuse first that he was just looking but then I realized that he HAS to connect with any girl he finds cute. By “connect” I mean make sure she catches his eye also numerous times. It’s not that he’s doing it for the eye candy, he’s doing it to give the girl a heads up that he finds her attractive. To be at dinner and have him scanning the room is just a buzz kill. It’s a waste of time I finally decided with much sadness, as he’s great when he’s alone with me (albeit needing every bit of my attention which I think defines the problem.)
I don’t know if anyone agrees with me? But I have had guys who had done this, and I’ve had guys who haven’t and who just glanced inconspicuously. This searching behavior can be controlled or, the real question is, if he was really happy would he even be rubbernecking this much?? I see it as an ego trip. I live in Hollywood and there are also often famous women around at clubs and it’s like he will trip over me and himself to stand where he can catch their eye. It’s just a big turn off. But, he denies the whole thing of course. He doesn’t even say, “I’m just looking.” Because he knows it’s not just that.
Even though he kept saying that he wants to be with me, the conclusion I finally came to was that he is still searching and using my contacts and the opportunity that my job presents to make these connections.
Before anyone says I’m paranoid or the like, I have been with guys who you would think would be more apt to get attention, hot successful etc. but they passed over these flirting opportunities as if they were bored of them NOT like they needed them or their night was ruined.
My point is, YES men will look. But really being honest with yourself and being aware of whether or not he’s just looking or if there is more to it, I think is in every girls best interest. It is not your problem if am man needs the attention of every girl in the room. It’s his and his insecurity and you don’t need to put up with it.
January 16th, 2011 at 9:28 am
Hi Natalia
What an excellent post and yes I agree with you completely. There is a big difference between having a glance at a nice pair of legs and having to make eye contact … one is not attempting to get the attention of the person you are looking at and the other clearly is.
April 19th, 2011 at 4:43 am
I really liked this article especially your tip on touching his arm when he’s doing it.
I had some issues with my long distance boyfriend before regarding jealousy but I’m not if this would be considered flirting:
He goes to bars with his guy friend on weekends and I totally fine with that. But then I found out he has been dancing with other girls. I’m not naive and I know how far some people can take this dancing. And while I think I trust him enough, I also know that it’s not that hard to cheat on me from 700 miles away. I told him I was offended and hurt by his behavior and he said he wasn’t flirting but you have to have flirted a bit to get a dance partner right?
He’s also gone to a webcam site and become friends with this girl. I’ve seen their chat logs and it was definitely reminiscent of how we started out: playful, flirty. I’ve confronted them both and they both said they were just friends. She even had a boyfriend (and was super understanding as to why I was upset). However, my bf thought I had no reason to be jealous because they were just friends.
I don’t know. I think your advice is easy to follow if we weren’t in a long distance relationship =/
April 19th, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Hi Alex
Trust me it’s just as easy to cheat right under your nose as it is 700 miles away. One thing we all need to understand is that if our partner wants to cheat .. they will.
The fact that you have access to your partners chat log and can see his conversations with his friend should tell you something. He obviously trusts you or he wouldn’t give you access or would simply use a different account.
LDR’s are difficult because your mind has all the time in the world to leap from he had a conversation with a woman to he’s madly in love with her and going to leave me without touching the ground and based on nothing but your own imagination.
A little more trust needed on your part perhaps?
May 19th, 2011 at 8:09 pm
Wow. I read everyone’s posts. Very interesting.
My wife thinks I flirt, and I think she is being jealous. Some examples:
* a female friend overseas emailed me, to pray for her mother who was very ill. I wrote back saying of course, and that I’d love to catch up on skype. I showed the email to my wife so she could pray for her mother, but instead she was furious that I wanted to “catch up” with a girl on skype. I explained that her mother was dying, and that we used to be good friends. Not good enough.
* Another girl who I used to be good friends with came in from overseas, and when I spoke to her on the phone and said “Janes!! I miss you!” with a big friendly smile – I hadn’t spoken to Janesfor about 2 years and we were cool friends. My wife was furious I said “I miss you” to another girl. A huge fight.
* I helped a stranger – a mother – to carry a baby carriage down the stairs. I apparently made her laugh, (I’m pretty funny) and my wife was again furious at me that I made a married woman laugh.
* We went water rafting with the some friends, and a girl in another boat took my hat off (I loove this hat), and I jumped at her to wrestle my hat back. My wife was furious and said that playfighting is flirting. I just wanted my hat…yes, we were laughing at the time, but I don’t feel I was flirting.
* When a girl is excited to see me, or says I’m really funny, or says they love a certain jacket of mine, my wife says that I let women feel comfortable to approach me and say these kinds of things. For example, we were walking down the street and a girl ran up to me and said “heeey!!! how are you Ronnie! This is your wife yeah! Your wedding was amaaazing” She acknowledged my wife in a nice way, and didn’t ignore her, but my wife’s problem was that she was so happy to see me. My wife wants me to be polite to women, but to exude a level of modesty, and act a little standoffish to show that they shouldn’t feel so comfortable to be all bubbly around me.
I could go on.
My wife says I’m being too flirtatious, or at the very least I need to work on becoming more modest. And I just want her to accept me for who I am, and not be so jealous.
It’s very painful for both of us. I now feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her in a social setting, and can’t just be my funny self. It’s caused me to be very depressed and I feel lke I have to be someone else. Unfortunately it’s depressed me so much that I’m not feeling love for her, nor excitement, nor chemistry. I feel like I’ve made a mistake.
I know marriage is about compromise, and I want to grow in ALL ways. Perhaps I do need to grow in the ways of modesty. There is no end in ones growth.
For her, it’s so painful because she believe I’m putting other women before the marriage. “You are putting other women before the marriage” She would say. She feels I’m not respecting her.
But I feel, if only she would stop being so jealous and accept me for who I am.
My wife thinks I flirt. But I don’t think I flirt at all.
To me it just seems we have different Values. I’m not judging her for having more modest values than me. But I feel she is judging me for my values. Bare in mind, I don’t even touch women unless it’s my wife (no honestly, I don’t believe in it). So I do have certain boundries. But I’m just not as modest as her, and it drives her crazy…which drives me crazy!
Please help! Any advice would be appreciated. We are really thinking of divorce, but we both don’t want it and would like to save the marriage.
May 20th, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Hi Ron
Why don’t you go to marriage guidance counselling. Your wife clearly doesn’t feel secure in your marriage as I see nothing in your examples to warrant such jealousy but of course this is only one side of the story.
Sometimes we need to lay it all out there and look at the truth of our own actions and how they affect our partner, counselling will help you do this in a positive way.
Understanding where your wifes insecurities come from and accepting you have different levels of neediness is surely the first step to take by being completely honest and open with each other. By getting external help you can both learn to find behaviour patterns where your wife remains feeling secure but you aren’t having to walk around on egg shells … it will take compromise on both parts but you are married for a reason and that reason is worth working hard for.
June 20th, 2011 at 10:43 pm
Never settle for anything less than you deserve. Guys who flirt have strong tendancy to cheat. Honestly the comments are intresting and have put forth a great debate. The debate being “it’s normal” and “it not”. The compromise is that every individual has different expectations and different values. Some people will settle for less and some for more and therefore they need to find a man/woman compatable with their ethics. In all honestly I believe that the power of love should over rule the power of lust and when love is real and pure… Insecurities shouldn’t reach the surface.
July 13th, 2011 at 11:02 pm
I hope my man doesn´t flirt with other women!
Looking after some nice women is okay, but not flirting with them!
August 13th, 2011 at 12:31 pm
All you folks who believe that this is ok, have you ever had my experience? Because believe you me flirting, innocent as it may seem, has the capacity to destroy people.
I have never bought the claim that ‘it’s normal, everyone does it.’ Why? BECAUSE I DON’T DO IT MYSELF.
If you’re flirting with single people, yes, no harm will come of it.
If it’s a person who’s in a committed relationship then I’m sorry but YOU’RE DISRESPECTING THE COUPLE BY VIOLATING THEIR RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES. AND PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS WHO FLIRT WITH OTHER PEOPLE ARE DISRESPECTING AND VIOLATING THEIR PARTNER’S PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.
My H naturally says there’s nothing wrong with appreciating the female form. He says it’s normal for men to ‘innocently look’. But what does one do when he’s using the ‘men are behaving normally’ routine as an excuse for deliberately noticing attractive women and rubbing it in one’s face?
For me it started with him going on about actresses that he had crushes on / found attractive; he’d compare me to them (and still does), and using a ‘Joy of Sex’ book he bought to stare at the gogeous female model at the front of the book (I was imagining you in that pose’ was his ‘reason’ for doing it); he’s also done the same thing with models in the Sunday supplements modelling clothes.
Then he targetted an ex work colleague of mine when my H and I went out with her and a friend of his. He focused on her all night, totally ignored me, blatantly looked her up and down in front of me and deliberately sat on a chair next to her and opposite me. He was incredibly attentive and friendly with her and acted as if she was his partner.
His friend was astonished by his behaviour. All I could do was shrug and endure the humiliation of knowing that he’s never been THAT attentive and friendly with me. I get his attention when he sees fit – which is usually when he wants sex or company ON HIS TERMS.
The morning after we had a huge argument about his behaviour with her and all he could do was compare me to her – ‘why can’t you be as nice as she is?’ ‘She’s got a lovely personality, why don’t you?’ She’s got a lovely figure; if only your legs were that long.’
Last year he had an emotional affair with a woman at a place he does voluntary work with. She hit on him, he reciprocated. He told me what she was doing (commenting on his great dress sense, giving him a DVD of a documentary she made only days after she met him, asking him to stay behind to proof read something she wrote, finding reasons to touch him, the list is endless). He developed a crush on her and even hinted he’d leave me for her.
I ended up seeing a counsellor, taking 6 weeks off work for stress and going under the care of my GP because my counsellor, having seen my acute dstress, urged me to get antidepressants to cope.
On top of this he was also behaving inapropriately with other young women at this place, taking photos of them all together and showing them to me when he got home. He’s behaved inappropriately with at least 8 women and young girls since; the sense of betrayal and devestation I feel is incalculable. He just wants me to forgive and forget; I can’t.
And his reason for doing all this? Because he wasn’t happy with our marriage. The fact is he’s always neglected me and our marriage and as a result it’s a total mess. BUT HE BLAMES ME.
Well, as my counsellor said, he behaved appallingly. FLIRTING CAUSES DAMAGE TO RELATIONSHIPS. IT’S AN ACT OF TOTAL DISRESPECT AD SELFISHNESS. BY GOING ALONG WITH MY H’S BEHAVIOUR ALL THESE WOMEN HAVE BEHAVED INAPPROPRIATELY TOO, VIOLATED MY MARRIAGE AND MY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, TOTALLY DISRESPECTED ME AND HUMILIATED ME.
So all you people who think flirting with other people’s partners is harmless: THINK ON ABOUT THE HARM YOU’RE DOING TO UNDERMINE THAT PERSON’S RELATIONSHIP AND THEIR PARTNER’S DIGNITY.
August 15th, 2011 at 11:43 pm
Hi destroyedbyinnocentflirting
I’m afraid I have to take issue with your chosen username here … you were actually destroyed by NON innocent flirting and a husband who didn’t respect you. The fact that he would compare you to other women, particularly airbrushed actresses, is severly disrespectful and deliberately hurtful.
From what you say nothing about your post suggests your husband was innocently flirting, he was being an arrogant jerk and simply refusing to deal with the real issues in his marriage.
August 19th, 2011 at 4:24 pm
dear sally, i have some major trust issues with my current boyfriend, he controles me and gets mad at me all the time whenever i talk or chat to a guy, he accuses me of flirting behind his back. but he is the one that flirts behind my back, i once saw his chat log he forgot to erase and he was flirting with his ex, and asking for random girls phonenumbers, and asking if he could meet them.. i cant distinguish wether his behaviour is casual flirting, or trying to cheat ? i just love him too much that i cant truly speak up about how i feel because i dont want to fight with him and i am scared he will choose to leave me. he even locks his blackberry si i cant open it because once i deleted his ex’es contact, but he added her again a few days later. i’ve tried to leave him many times before but i just keep running back even if he is unfaithful.. i think that he really loves me though.. but im also confused.. can you please give me some of your advice?? i’ve been reading about the other comments above but none seem to fit just like my situation.. thank you sally.. im waiting for ur response impatiently
August 19th, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Hi Teekay
This is certainly not casual flirting. Asking for girls numbers and if he can meet them is far from casual flirting. If I am out with my husband and he notices a pretty girl serving us, then smiles and puffs his chest out then I consider it casual flirting and nothing for me to get bent out of shape over but if he asked her for her number or I found he went back to see her then he would be crossing a line I would not accept.
There are two issues here. The first is his behaviour is not suggestive of a man in a committed relationship with you. The other is your spying. Ask yourself honestly, did you spy on him from the first days of your relationship or did his behaviour make you start spying? There is a very true saying, if you accuse someone of wrong doing often enough they will probably eventually do it because they’re going to get blamed for it anyway. Only you can honestly answer this question and perhaps his behaviour caused your reactions but you need to be honest about it before you can find a solution.
Why did you delete his ex’s contact details? The right thing to do would have been to ask him to delete her details. Men don’t like to be controlled and caged in this way, where you decide who they can speak to and let’s be honest you don’t like him saying who you can chat to, so why should he?
I think it’s time you had a serious talk with him and together set out some boundaries for your relationship. It’s time to be totally honest with each other and decide if you are in a committed relationship and if so where can you both draw the line. Don’t sit and say “I know you did and said this, this and this so whats going on” as it will immediately put him on the defensive. Start by asking him if he chats to other women or meets other women .. give him the chance to come clean and explain what’s going on. Even if he says yes he does, stay calm and ask why. Get him to talk about why he gets jealous when you chat to guys but then he chats to women.
Of course if he insists on controlling who you chat to then he has to be open to you controlling who he chats to, that is compromise.
If he is willing to be totally honest and you both stay calm you should get to the point where you can decide appropriate behaviour for you both in the future. It may be you are both jealous and need to build more trust or it may be you both decide you are not in the right relationship .. either way it is better to sort it out. If you both really love each other you have to compromise and find a way forward you both find acceptable.
On a personal note you have to decide what you are prepared to accept in order to stay in the relationship. For example if he does cheat can you live with that? Can you lay down rules for cheating, as some couples are able to or will you drive yourself nuts wondering where he is and who with? A relationship is a two way street and you BOTH have to be happy in it … one lesson myself and many friends have had to learn is that men are simple creatures, all they want when they come home is their woman to have a smile on her face and be relaxed and happy. Walking in to bitching, moaning, spying and demanding is the best way to send a man elsewhere.
August 20th, 2011 at 6:43 pm
dear sally, thank you so much for your quick response, the reason why i keep spying on him is because he had a girl when he first met me,he cheated on her(with me) and he even left her for me.. thats why i cant trust him.. so i did as u said, i talked to him.. i asked some questions which all of them he denied, and he said he wants to limit my guy friends and he asked me to block some of my guy friends on facebook, bbm, and twitter.. so i did, but when i asked him to do the same to some of his girl friends with whom he used to flirt, he didnt agree and said that they are just friends.. i got really angry and mad to him, and i said that he seems like he doesnt want others to know that he has a girlfriend, and he is such a selfish person, he has been ignoring me since we had that conversation.. do u think that it would be best if i just left him ? because i really have no idea how to tame a player like him.. or should i try one last time? i really do love him even if he treats me that bad ..
August 21st, 2011 at 12:10 am
Hi Teekay
I certainly can’t say whether you should leave him, I have not met either of you and I have only heard your side of the story. Only you can make the decision.
It is unfortunate you lost your temper but the fact that he asked you delete people who made him feel uncomfortable and then refused to do the same should tell you something. It’s also interesting to see you recognise that he cheated in order to be with you so that immediately broke the trust at the beginning of your relationship.
Taming a player is rather like trying to catch water in a cup made of sand … virtually impossible. The only way to do it is to be totally aloof and uninterested in him and from your comments I don’t think you could do that. Think long and hard about what kind of relationship you have, what kind you want and whether you think he can ever offer you that … then you will have your answer of what to do next.
August 21st, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Thank you very much sally, ur advice really made me open my eyes.. I will think long and hard like you said. Thank you again!