“Friends with Benefits” is a term used for sex only relationships with a friend but do friends with benefits relationships work?
It’s easy to think or say “it’s just a bit of fun and nobody will get hurt” but the reality of these arrangements is more often than not a broken friendship and emotional pain for one participant.
The worst reason to get into a friends with benefits relationship is fooling yourself that it can start out this way and will develop into a full blown romantic loving relationship … the odds are it won’t and you will just get hurt and used.
If you are tempted to get into a friends with benefits relationship, perhaps in order to keep loneliness at bay for a short time or until Mr/Miss Right comes along, then you may wish to consider these points before agreeing to be a “friend with benefits”.
Men and Woman ARE Different
Usually in friends with benefits relationships men are after the benefits and women are after the friendship, sorry men but that’s the honest truth. Firstly we have to understand the difference between love and lust and decide what we are really looking for.
A night in with a friend, a pizza, weepy video and sofa hug will generally make a woman feel satified emotionally and it’s a small price for a man to pay to get the “benefits”.
Would you agree to do this with just any friend?
I would think the answer is a resounding no, so before agreeing to such an arrangement take a long hard look at a good friend of the opposite sex that you would definately not agree to be a friend with benefits with.
Why are they any different, you just need some sexual satisfaction with someone you trust but without emotional involvement right? In order to agree to sleep with someone there has to be some attraction involved and attraction is an emotion .. so how do you now stick to the rules of friends with benefits and not get emotionally involved?
What Are the Benefits For You?
Given the above (you may not even be aware of any feelings you have for your friend but to even consider this arrangement you should accept those feelings must be there) what will happen to the friendship when those feelings begin to emerge for one of you?
Can your friendship survive the hurt feelings of rejection or the jealousy when you see your friend with someone else. Of course you can deny, deny, deny your emotions but when you are back in your bed alone at night crying what benefit will you have gained from this arrangement?
Not Interesting Enough to Date
If someone you just met said “you don’t interest me enough to date but do you fancy a roll in the hay just to relieve my tensions” how would you react? In effect the friend that suggests a “friends with benefits” relationship is saying exactly the same thing, all they are looking for is sexual gratification without any strings or emotional attachment. Are you really willing to sell yourself so short?
You Deserve Better
I know it is really easy to say “you deserve better so wait for the right guy or girl” but that is no comfort when you are feeling utterly lonely and looking for love. Loneliness is all consuming at times and causes us to hurt emotionally but we also know it comes and goes.
You can be miserable or motivate yourself it really is a choice we make and we don’t have to resort to friends with benefits to keep lonliness at bay.
May 31st, 2009 at 3:33 am
Personally, I don’t think it’s worth it. Whatever thrill you’re getting is not worth your self respect.
Samantha’s last blog post..Busted! True Tales of Finding Someone’s Secret Porn Stash
May 31st, 2009 at 10:36 am
Hi Samantha
A very true comment, self respect must come first. The problem is some people get into these situations because they think the other person will fall in love with them, they just don’t see they are being used and therefore don’t understand their self respect is being eroded.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I agree that people should enter this kind of relationship with their eyes wide open….but sometimes they have happy endings too. My ‘Friend with Benefits” and I ended up falling in love and so far, we’re living happily ever after. We did’nt mean for it to happen – we were content with our ‘no strings’ arrangement….it just happened….!!!
September 25th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I don’t think it’s worth it. Whatever thrill you’re getting is not worth your self respect.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:13 am
I’m about to get into one of these and I might be more interested in her that she in me, but we have a great time when we see each other (I have to say we live in separate countries), I think I can handle this as I have done this before and ended up badly, but you learn certain things on the way.
My question to all of you who disagree, have you been in such situation? I would like to listen from experience as I’m not sure yet if I want to do this.
October 25th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I met a guy about a year ago and we went on a couple of dates but nothing more. We then decided as we are both single to have a friends with benefits arrangement, which has worked great so far. We met maybe twice a week and the sex is great. But a few weeks ago i think he started blurring the boundaries. He invited me out for the night with some of his mates for a few drinks and at the time i had just started a new relationship (i was upfront and told my friend this. A good night was had and although i thought he would try it on he was a perfect gentleman. Anyway the new relationship never worked out and i spoke to my friend about it. We had not slept together for about two months. Then this Friday just gone he invited me out on the town again with his friends but i could not go. After a few saucy texts about our next sexy meeting out of the blue he text your wanting more than no strings fun aint you? Honestly yes i do but i never said that to him. He seems to be the one sending mixed messages and i am not sure how to handle it now. Help. Am i reading to much into this?
October 25th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I think you have already pointed out the problem Marco. You say you are perhaps more interested than she is, so that puts you in a vulnerable position before it begins. Are you hoping something more will develop over time?
You also say a similar relationship ended badly and yes we call learn by experiences but do you really think you can come out of this kind of relationship unscathed? You need to be totally emotionally unattached for this type of relationship to work and do you really want to be intimate with someone without any feelings at all for you?
October 25th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Kassa, why did you both decide not to date after the first couple of dates? Did you both decide something was better than nothing?
I’m not surprised you are confused, the sexual side together with going out as friends is what a relationship is surely?!
Maybe he is also now looking for more than no strings fun but wanting to find out how you feel about it? The fact that he invited you out with his friends is sending mixed messages. Why don’t you tell him he is sending mixed messages and see how he reacts. Explain that he is now confusing you and ask him to redefine the boundaries, when he invites you out with his friends is that just as a friend or as a friend with benefits or what.
Alternatively you can take a chance and tell the truth, yes you would like more but be prepared in case he says no, he just wants the sexual side.
As the article pointed out it is very rare that a real friends with benefits relationship works, usually at least one person gets emotionally involved.
Out of curiousity did you tell the man you were seeing about this friends arrangement and that you had arranged to go out with him? My philosophy is that if something needs to be kept secret then there is something wrong with it.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
i got involved with a guy about six months ago and it was all fine then i fell for him we had sex and now i have lost him and its killing me, firiends with benefits just isnt worth this
November 18th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
I think it really depends on your own feelings and the feelings of your friend. If you are attracted enough to each other to consider sex, but there is something missing or not as attractive in other areas that means you are not dating, friends with benefits can work. If you are both mature and communicate and are upfront, then it can work. As with anything you must feel it out as you go, and if emotions come into play, or things get messy, talk about it, and back off. Yes, there are questions about self-respect and self-value, but I think this exhibits in a different area: you should consider that this friendship probably doesn’t mean as much to you; if you felt strongly enough about a friendship with him/her you would probably be considering translating that into a romantic relationship anyway. As long as neither party is being mistreated and you are both on the same page regarding what you want out of the situation then it is acceptable to recognise we are all human beings with needs. Understand though that it is not a situation that is likely to last longterm, and this is also ok, but learn from that situation as you experience it, and enjoy it. Most importantly, whatever happens, ensure that it is not negative for either party.
November 22nd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Hi Jessica
Thank you for your comment, food for thought. The part I don’t understand is why anyone would sleep with someone where “there is something missing or not as attractive in other areas”.
December 28th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
hi, my best friend an i. we have started. but it wasnt arranged, it just sort of happend, i think that this way of doing it is more… ah, i dunno. but like less painful? because, we have both told eachother we do rly love eachother, but we cant be together as we are best mates, and i dont wanna mess things up between us, but i think we are both sexualy attracted to eachother… so far we havent gone too far. but i dno. i think we will end up, y’know. but to be fair. iv read alot about FWB, the pros and cons. and i dont want them to get attached to me, as we are best mates we know eachother quite deeply. and i know they can get attached, and as i am forever swiching partners, i dont want them to feel all of these emotions. i want them also to be happy and to just understand it was FWB and that we wearnt fully in a relationship. on the other hand, if it were to last a long time, i would consider going into a relationship with them, just leme know what u guys think?
January 1st, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I met a guy online 7 years ago. We dated for a few months it didn’t work out because I got pissed off at him. We have been meeting for years, on and off… No matter how much I wanted to say No I couldn’t.. I just wanted to be near him… I met him because I loved him, he met me because he was horny… It really isn’t worth it. Most of the time, one of you will get feelings and will be hurt. I knew it was wrong to meet him, but I couldn’t resist.. A few days ago, he basically called me a slut… Then said “I didn’t mean it” and whenever we are lying beside each other he will ask “How many others have you slept with recently” and when I asked him why he was soo nasty to me, he said he was jealous.. Then he said “we were always mates”… Even when I met him as a friend, he wanted sex… Don’t abuse yourself by letting men use you for their sexual pleasures.. They have 2 hands
January 19th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Hi … a little while ago me and a best friend started friends with benifits … i think it may have been a bad idea because i fell for her when i was in a relationship with someone else and i i still like her as much as i did … we have known each other for the last 4years now and have been close friends … she was the one who thought of being FWB and i agreed because i had asked her out and i guess this is her excuse .. its killing me tbh because i feel this way about her but i dont want to stop being FWB … we havent had sex yet but we prob will in the near future its just been casual stuff … im not sure what to do or say anymore
January 19th, 2010 at 7:22 pm
Hi Graham
Unfortunately this is what usually happens in these relationships. Have you told her about your feelings? Are you still in a relationship with someone else?
I hope you realise why you don’t want to stop being FWB … it’s a way to be close to her, so why not sound her out and try to find out if she would be up for a relationship with you. If you find out now before it goes all the way then you can keep the friendship side if she says no but if she says yes then your problems are over (or just beginning lol).
January 24th, 2010 at 2:34 am
Yes i have told her about my feelings…
after the last comment i left some things happened which hurt us both but it brung us a lot closer also. and she also has realised a lot..
i think maybe theres a good chance we will begin a relationsip/
im no longer in a relationship (headwaster lol)
I know that is why i dont want to stop being FWB but can you blame me really?
the thing is is that she is kinda afraid of commitment but that has to do with family problems and that is also part of the reason we have not yet begun a relationship.
tbh my ind is going crazy atm and i dont know why because everything is going great.. guess we should just go with it and see what happens
January 31st, 2010 at 4:17 pm
I m in a FWB. been happening for nearly 7 months now, we were old school (i wouldnt say friends as never spoke to each other). We met up again 15 years later online and i was going through a messy break up with my kids father, my FWB was also going through a rough emotional time with his ex. We met up as friends and only friends but the attraction was there, so we talked about it on line. It does work, yes i love him and i believe he loves me but we have such different lives that a relationship would never work. He talks about his ex, i talk about mine but our time actually physically together we call unreality time, escape from all the problems daily life can bring and just enjoy hugs (and sex) it works because if i start to come on heavy with the i miss yous he backs off, then when he does i back off, when we both miss each other thats when it s good, FWB can work as long as the respect is there, it s about being a friend more than the benefits, considering the other persons feelings and communication.
February 16th, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Hi Nikki
Thanks for your insights into FWB relationships. It was interesting to read your comment “when we both miss each other thats when it s good” which suggests that when it begins to get emotional is when it’s ‘good’.
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:24 am
i’ve been FWB for about a year now with a good friend of mine.. although now i’m confused.. it used to be just hooking up (we’ve never had sex coz we both think thats more than mucking around) but now when we meet up its like a propper date.. we go out just the 2 of us go to the cinema go for a walk by the river or even go to a restaurant (he pays) cant anyone tell me what is going on here?? coz im clueless
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:31 pm
Hi Clueless
Only you can tell what is going on. It sounds as though the boundary between friendship and relationship has been crossed, which often happens in FWB situatiuons. You need to think back to when the line was crossed and whether it was a mutual effort, one sided or if you just drifted into it. Are you happy to be in a relationship with this person?