“Friends with Benefits” is a term used for sex only relationships with a friend but do friends with benefits relationships work?
It’s easy to think or say “it’s just a bit of fun and nobody will get hurt” but the reality of these arrangements is more often than not a broken friendship and emotional pain for one participant.
The worst reason to get into a friends with benefits relationship is fooling yourself that it can start out this way and will develop into a full blown romantic loving relationship … the odds are it won’t and you will just get hurt and used.
If you are tempted to get into a friends with benefits relationship, perhaps in order to keep loneliness at bay for a short time or until Mr/Miss Right comes along, then you may wish to consider these points before agreeing to be a “friend with benefits”.
Men and Woman ARE Different
Usually in friends with benefits relationships men are after the benefits and women are after the friendship, sorry men but that’s the honest truth. Firstly we have to understand the difference between love and lust and decide what we are really looking for.
A night in with a friend, a pizza, weepy video and sofa hug will generally make a woman feel satified emotionally and it’s a small price for a man to pay to get the “benefits”.
Would you agree to do this with just any friend?
I would think the answer is a resounding no, so before agreeing to such an arrangement take a long hard look at a good friend of the opposite sex that you would definately not agree to be a friend with benefits with.
Why are they any different, you just need some sexual satisfaction with someone you trust but without emotional involvement right? In order to agree to sleep with someone there has to be some attraction involved and attraction is an emotion .. so how do you now stick to the rules of friends with benefits and not get emotionally involved?
What Are the Benefits For You?
Given the above (you may not even be aware of any feelings you have for your friend but to even consider this arrangement you should accept those feelings must be there) what will happen to the friendship when those feelings begin to emerge for one of you?
Can your friendship survive the hurt feelings of rejection or the jealousy when you see your friend with someone else. Of course you can deny, deny, deny your emotions but when you are back in your bed alone at night crying what benefit will you have gained from this arrangement?
Not Interesting Enough to Date
If someone you just met said “you don’t interest me enough to date but do you fancy a roll in the hay just to relieve my tensions” how would you react? In effect the friend that suggests a “friends with benefits” relationship is saying exactly the same thing, all they are looking for is sexual gratification without any strings or emotional attachment. Are you really willing to sell yourself so short?
You Deserve Better
I know it is really easy to say “you deserve better so wait for the right guy or girl” but that is no comfort when you are feeling utterly lonely and looking for love. Loneliness is all consuming at times and causes us to hurt emotionally but we also know it comes and goes.
You can be miserable or motivate yourself it really is a choice we make and we don’t have to resort to friends with benefits to keep lonliness at bay.
May 4th, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Sally,
At the present her little sister is happily married, expecting her second child. My “friend” has been single for a while now, her ex cheated on her and she still has issues with it. I understand that. I’m 7 years older than her and I’m single too. She just thinks its wrong. She’s afraid of what might happen if everybody finds out, like I said Im like part of the family. Honestly I dont know what her little sister would say, it could go either way I’m afraid. I do also agree, she is being a little unreasonable. I’m really a nice guy and I’m trying to be cool about the whole situation but its getting to the point that Im loosing sleep and Im having a little anxietY. Honestly I dont like the fact that it ended so quick. That’s the truth. I like her as my friend, she is an incredible woman, but also loved having sex with her. I think for the time being I should leave her alone, even though she already established it cant happen again, who knows…I think its better to put an end now than later on when you know either one its gonna start developing feelings and things could get more complicated…THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE! I APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH.
May 4th, 2011 at 9:00 pm
Hi Goin Crazy
Now my romantic side is freaking out … what if this is an amazing missed opportunity just because of the little sister EEK.
You are right in backing off if that is what feels right but if the older sister gets in touch please let her know how you feel, she may not run into your arms but a seed may be sewn.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Right now Im gonna concentrate on just being her friend, act like before. We still keep in touch but havent seen each other. We havent talked about the issue so far. Still fresh. Let’s see what happens. I’ll keep you posted. Thank you Sally!
May 5th, 2011 at 7:01 pm
i wrote on here a while ago explaining the whole story and how we had beocme fwb and he started to want to go shopping with me or cook with me and take me to his friends birthdays and i thought he was feeling something for me or maybe i was just looking into things too much (i was underthe name cristy too) anyway the thing is a few weeks ago through msn he told me: do you want something more?? i told him i had accepted to be fWB and that he didnt need to worry if i was unconfortable or anything that it was all fine, he said no i know your confortable and your fine but wouldn’t you like something more then he sent me a song baby i love you by the ramones and told me would you like a relationship…i was like hey i think we need to speak about this in person and changed the subject he kept on asking me and saying i need to know, i asked him what do you want…he said i want to know what you want then i just told him ok lets talk about it when u come over, he said ok but u should know i do want a relationship and you mean so much to me, i care so much about you… (i did want a relationship too but i didnt want to push him into it thats why i didnt say anything) then i told him have u seen the movie “no strings attached” seems alot like us except im the guy he was like why are you the guy, i showed him the trailer and he said no im the guy because im fallin…. wait ive already fallen in love with you…. anyways then i changed subject and well after that i mean we hug for heaps look deeply into eachothers eyes talk about family and all sorts of stuff he worries alot bout me but we are still FWB and nothing more…i mean atleast where i live tobe bf/gf the guy actually has to ask the girl and he hasnt done that and idk if he ever will, anyway on the other hand im not too sure i want this to get anymore serious cause i mean from the begining it was like i wasnt enough but i liked him thats why i agreed to fwb… but the thing that stings is that …i wasnt enough to be the girlfriend…just the fwb get it and only now that he has devoloped feelings for me and i thought (he wasnt the relationship type guy…as he had told me and that he always screwed things up and he wanted to get thing perfect) but the other day i found out he liked this girl and had asked her to be his gf but she said no… idk how long ago but a few months ago i had seen them holding hands, so now i feel like he only wants to be with me cause he got acostumed to me and cause his first option said no…so im the big second option…seems his not even too sure since he hasnt mentioned anything about that really.
anywho i was planning on ending everything and telling him to stop seeing eachother, im not sure weather to do it or not what do you think??????
May 5th, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Hi Christy
WOW … what a complicated story. No it’s never nice to feel second best but have you asked him about this?
You seem to be looking for any reason for it not to be right and if that is how you feel then you must end it now, as this is your head telling you it’s not right. However you also say you wanted a relationship with him, which is why you agreed to FWB … if this is the case then you need to sit and talk about it, ask him about this other girl and if he says yes he asked her before he asked you then end it, you are too good to be the rebound girl.
Just do what is best for you, if you want him then go for it but if you’re not sure then get out and find a guy you can’t sleep for thinking about.
May 11th, 2011 at 8:55 am
i know am weak and i dont hav d strength to refuse sex in the name of its noy right. except i dont like the guy, fwb is a fantastic option. for as long as he is not my soul mate, even if we date for eternity, it is bound to end in a breakup and heartbreak. isnt usually harder in the end trying to figure out if the guy was just using u? what i can say is, if you are sure that u are in love with a man or he seems like husband material then dont do fwb with him for any reason. i just met a man i admire. i am not sure we may ever love each other but i think we can have great sex so am going to have a fuck only relationship with him. and its only a matter of time ( like with even so called love relationships) till we break up. every breakup hurts me but what the heck? if i dont do it and am waiting for love how do i know anyone will ever love me? i am screwd doing fwb or not!!! relationships start and i let down my gaurd and love up. not because its a real relationship but because a guy just lied to me because he wants sex. i dont find out till a year later because he sends false love sms and cakes and flowers and stuff. we breakup nd i break down. fwb is best because each person understands what the other wants. i want love but i dont know how to recieve it or give it again. i see my peers get married every day and i wonder if that will ever happen to me. will i ever experience the kind of love that doesnt end in a sad breakdown? will i ever meet someone who will love me enough to want to marry me? i never have seemed good enough for the other person. strangely though, the last guy told me i was too good for him. see how confusing ny situation is? i throw all caution to the wind and do anything that pleases me now. if anyman will love me he will love me the way i am. i have always been taught that u hve to be a good girl to find love. its not true because all the girls who were the examples of what i wasnt supposed to be are the ones getting wed one after the other. so now am not saving myself for anyone again!
May 27th, 2011 at 1:30 am
sup,
so im in one of these so called “friends with benefits” and its all fun but sometimes i feel jealous when he is around other girls. i know im not his gf but still i get jealous. he does get a lil tooo touchy in public and i try to keep it lowkey but eventually people will find out. i dont want people having wrong ideas about me. this really helped me and oh i forgot to mention that we did date but it didnt work out but we still enjoy all the fun stuff so thats why we agreed to stay friends….with benefits..lol
peace..
June 27th, 2011 at 11:09 am
I am not sure what I got myself into. I met this guy a 3 months ago and we hangout on the weekends we have plans to do a lot of things together. He cooks me dinner does a lot for me. He has a nickname for me and always lets me know when he is thinking of me or misses me. We live about 45 mins away so we tend to see each other only on weekends unless we meet during the week. We just over the weekend had sex and I didn’t think it was going to go that far. We spend the night together and we cuddle but it never goes further until this weekend. Is this what friends with benefits is? We do everything together. We talk on the phone daily we text, we are together on our spare time he involves me in everything he does. We have talked about relationships I came out of an 3 year engagement he came out of a divorce and well he tells me that I am scared to let down my guard. I don’t know why he tells me these things. I have never asked him what he wanted from us. We met through a mutual friend so I just thought since he was new to the area and I was to fairly we could explore together. I am just not sure what this seems to look as. I don’t want to tell anyone because I just don’t need people in my so called circle I guess about this whole situation until I have my own grasp on the situation. Thank you.
July 1st, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Hi Moonlight
No that is not FWB. FWB is an agreement between 2 good friends who have no desire to date or be particularly emotionally involved with each other but who share sexual release together on a regular basis. It takes a very mature couple of friends to carry out such a friendship successfully, without one getting hurt.
August 4th, 2011 at 9:17 pm
Hey,
I am doing the fwb thing with a guy I went to school with and I was told by one of his friends that he liked me back in high school and I am going through a divorce my husband ended it and I found the kid who went to school with me on facebook and we started to do the friends thing and now I don’t know if he wants more than the fwb because he is calling me babe, and he always wants me to lay on him, and he always says “its kinda cold you can lean up against me” I was just wondering if their is more here than the fwb?
August 5th, 2011 at 12:24 am
Hi Jasmine
Why do you think FWB has to be devoid of any emotion or romance? Have you both discussed being FWB and agreed there is to be no emotional entanglement or are you assuming he understands this?
If you really don’t want any more than FWB then you need to nip this in the bud before he grows deeper feelings for you.
August 15th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
I’m in a FWB relationship w a guy i met thru a mutual friend. We started tlking bout it thru txt && we both agreed neither of us want or is ready for a relationship due to past gf/bfs hurting us and we both having trust issues. He told me from the beginning how hes been single for the past 2-3 yrs due to getting hurt by his ex fiance && gfs. Hes really scared && has some serious trust issues, worse then me. But the thing is, im starting to have feelings for him && i know i told him i wasnt looking for a realtionship either but i cant help the fact i have fallen for him. I have told him tht i had feelings for him && he told me he already knew but tht my feelings for him wasnt going to change the way he acts w me or stop the FWB. He admitted to me tht he “likes me” but doesnt have feelings for me && tht he might gain feelings for me later on but for the moment doesnt want a gf, but the way he talks to me, shows me differ. He gets jealous when im txting other guy friends && asks me what im doing && i have met his family too. I’m not sure if I should stop the FWB all together or should i risk the chance of getting my feelings hurt by hoping he will gain feelings for me of the hopes of him asking me to be his gf. Plzz help!!
August 15th, 2011 at 11:37 pm
Hi Luna
Should you walk away or live in hope is a question only you can anser. Are you strong enough if he says in 1 or 2 years time he still has no feelings for you?
Did his ex fiance cheat on him? Would that explain the jealousy when you text men? If so then you need to be openly honest and transparent. It will take him time to learn to trust again but it will happen .. the question is will it happen with you.
Personally I would stop the FWB relationship, simply to give him the space to miss you and perhaps realise he has feelings for you too. It will be hard to keep away from him but make sure you chat as friends so he is aware you are not actively looking for someone else … just don’t overdo it, no hour long intimate talks or getting together. If after some time he doesn’t come chacing after you then you will know its better to walk away and find someone who can care for you.
August 20th, 2011 at 7:05 am
Hi, I’m also doing the fwb thing, and I was actually the one that sugest it to him… Everything.was going so well, we would usually see once or twice a week he was super nice…. We had established some rules so that we wouldn’t fall for each other…. Well long story short, we broke a rule… He slept over and we cuddle naked after we had sex… That same day I txt him but he.didn’t respond back, then I txt him 2 more times after a few days, its been 2 weeks already and no respond… Now I’m all confuse, why is he avoiding me??? He’s never been like this, and he is a very honest guy that doesn’t really care if he hurts you by telling you the truth. So I don’t understand. We have only been doing this for a little bit more than a month…. Please give me an advice??? ):
August 20th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Hi Leslie
I’m afraid I cannot advise you on this as there is no way I can read his mind.
There are several possibilities. Together you created boundaries and stepped over them, perhaps to somewhere he didn’t want to go so he is now removing himself from the situation? Alternatively he may be shocked to find he has feelings for you developing and needs time to sort his head out? Only he knows the answer and clearly he isn’t ready to tell you and may never do so.
Stop sending txts and just leave him to follow his iwn path. You sent 3 txts now without reply so he knows you have tried to contact him and if he wants to respond he will but it may take a long time, if at all.