“Friends with Benefits” is a term used for sex only relationships with a friend but do friends with benefits relationships work?
It’s easy to think or say “it’s just a bit of fun and nobody will get hurt” but the reality of these arrangements is more often than not a broken friendship and emotional pain for one participant.
The worst reason to get into a friends with benefits relationship is fooling yourself that it can start out this way and will develop into a full blown romantic loving relationship … the odds are it won’t and you will just get hurt and used.
If you are tempted to get into a friends with benefits relationship, perhaps in order to keep loneliness at bay for a short time or until Mr/Miss Right comes along, then you may wish to consider these points before agreeing to be a “friend with benefits”.
Men and Woman ARE Different
Usually in friends with benefits relationships men are after the benefits and women are after the friendship, sorry men but that’s the honest truth. Firstly we have to understand the difference between love and lust and decide what we are really looking for.
A night in with a friend, a pizza, weepy video and sofa hug will generally make a woman feel satified emotionally and it’s a small price for a man to pay to get the “benefits”.
Would you agree to do this with just any friend?
I would think the answer is a resounding no, so before agreeing to such an arrangement take a long hard look at a good friend of the opposite sex that you would definately not agree to be a friend with benefits with.
Why are they any different, you just need some sexual satisfaction with someone you trust but without emotional involvement right? In order to agree to sleep with someone there has to be some attraction involved and attraction is an emotion .. so how do you now stick to the rules of friends with benefits and not get emotionally involved?
What Are the Benefits For You?
Given the above (you may not even be aware of any feelings you have for your friend but to even consider this arrangement you should accept those feelings must be there) what will happen to the friendship when those feelings begin to emerge for one of you?
Can your friendship survive the hurt feelings of rejection or the jealousy when you see your friend with someone else. Of course you can deny, deny, deny your emotions but when you are back in your bed alone at night crying what benefit will you have gained from this arrangement?
Not Interesting Enough to Date
If someone you just met said “you don’t interest me enough to date but do you fancy a roll in the hay just to relieve my tensions” how would you react? In effect the friend that suggests a “friends with benefits” relationship is saying exactly the same thing, all they are looking for is sexual gratification without any strings or emotional attachment. Are you really willing to sell yourself so short?
You Deserve Better
I know it is really easy to say “you deserve better so wait for the right guy or girl” but that is no comfort when you are feeling utterly lonely and looking for love. Loneliness is all consuming at times and causes us to hurt emotionally but we also know it comes and goes.
You can be miserable or motivate yourself it really is a choice we make and we don’t have to resort to friends with benefits to keep lonliness at bay.
May 31st, 2009 at 3:33 am
Personally, I don’t think it’s worth it. Whatever thrill you’re getting is not worth your self respect.
Samantha’s last blog post..Busted! True Tales of Finding Someone’s Secret Porn Stash
May 31st, 2009 at 10:36 am
Hi Samantha
A very true comment, self respect must come first. The problem is some people get into these situations because they think the other person will fall in love with them, they just don’t see they are being used and therefore don’t understand their self respect is being eroded.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I agree that people should enter this kind of relationship with their eyes wide open….but sometimes they have happy endings too. My ‘Friend with Benefits” and I ended up falling in love and so far, we’re living happily ever after. We did’nt mean for it to happen – we were content with our ‘no strings’ arrangement….it just happened….!!!
September 25th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I don’t think it’s worth it. Whatever thrill you’re getting is not worth your self respect.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:13 am
I’m about to get into one of these and I might be more interested in her that she in me, but we have a great time when we see each other (I have to say we live in separate countries), I think I can handle this as I have done this before and ended up badly, but you learn certain things on the way.
My question to all of you who disagree, have you been in such situation? I would like to listen from experience as I’m not sure yet if I want to do this.
October 25th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I think you have already pointed out the problem Marco. You say you are perhaps more interested than she is, so that puts you in a vulnerable position before it begins. Are you hoping something more will develop over time?
You also say a similar relationship ended badly and yes we call learn by experiences but do you really think you can come out of this kind of relationship unscathed? You need to be totally emotionally unattached for this type of relationship to work and do you really want to be intimate with someone without any feelings at all for you?
October 25th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I met a guy about a year ago and we went on a couple of dates but nothing more. We then decided as we are both single to have a friends with benefits arrangement, which has worked great so far. We met maybe twice a week and the sex is great. But a few weeks ago i think he started blurring the boundaries. He invited me out for the night with some of his mates for a few drinks and at the time i had just started a new relationship (i was upfront and told my friend this. A good night was had and although i thought he would try it on he was a perfect gentleman. Anyway the new relationship never worked out and i spoke to my friend about it. We had not slept together for about two months. Then this Friday just gone he invited me out on the town again with his friends but i could not go. After a few saucy texts about our next sexy meeting out of the blue he text your wanting more than no strings fun aint you? Honestly yes i do but i never said that to him. He seems to be the one sending mixed messages and i am not sure how to handle it now. Help. Am i reading to much into this?
October 25th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Kassa, why did you both decide not to date after the first couple of dates? Did you both decide something was better than nothing?
I’m not surprised you are confused, the sexual side together with going out as friends is what a relationship is surely?!
Maybe he is also now looking for more than no strings fun but wanting to find out how you feel about it? The fact that he invited you out with his friends is sending mixed messages. Why don’t you tell him he is sending mixed messages and see how he reacts. Explain that he is now confusing you and ask him to redefine the boundaries, when he invites you out with his friends is that just as a friend or as a friend with benefits or what.
Alternatively you can take a chance and tell the truth, yes you would like more but be prepared in case he says no, he just wants the sexual side.
As the article pointed out it is very rare that a real friends with benefits relationship works, usually at least one person gets emotionally involved.
Out of curiousity did you tell the man you were seeing about this friends arrangement and that you had arranged to go out with him? My philosophy is that if something needs to be kept secret then there is something wrong with it.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
i got involved with a guy about six months ago and it was all fine then i fell for him we had sex and now i have lost him and its killing me, firiends with benefits just isnt worth this
November 18th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
I think it really depends on your own feelings and the feelings of your friend. If you are attracted enough to each other to consider sex, but there is something missing or not as attractive in other areas that means you are not dating, friends with benefits can work. If you are both mature and communicate and are upfront, then it can work. As with anything you must feel it out as you go, and if emotions come into play, or things get messy, talk about it, and back off. Yes, there are questions about self-respect and self-value, but I think this exhibits in a different area: you should consider that this friendship probably doesn’t mean as much to you; if you felt strongly enough about a friendship with him/her you would probably be considering translating that into a romantic relationship anyway. As long as neither party is being mistreated and you are both on the same page regarding what you want out of the situation then it is acceptable to recognise we are all human beings with needs. Understand though that it is not a situation that is likely to last longterm, and this is also ok, but learn from that situation as you experience it, and enjoy it. Most importantly, whatever happens, ensure that it is not negative for either party.
November 22nd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Hi Jessica
Thank you for your comment, food for thought. The part I don’t understand is why anyone would sleep with someone where “there is something missing or not as attractive in other areas”.
December 28th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
hi, my best friend an i. we have started. but it wasnt arranged, it just sort of happend, i think that this way of doing it is more… ah, i dunno. but like less painful? because, we have both told eachother we do rly love eachother, but we cant be together as we are best mates, and i dont wanna mess things up between us, but i think we are both sexualy attracted to eachother… so far we havent gone too far. but i dno. i think we will end up, y’know. but to be fair. iv read alot about FWB, the pros and cons. and i dont want them to get attached to me, as we are best mates we know eachother quite deeply. and i know they can get attached, and as i am forever swiching partners, i dont want them to feel all of these emotions. i want them also to be happy and to just understand it was FWB and that we wearnt fully in a relationship. on the other hand, if it were to last a long time, i would consider going into a relationship with them, just leme know what u guys think?
January 1st, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I met a guy online 7 years ago. We dated for a few months it didn’t work out because I got pissed off at him. We have been meeting for years, on and off… No matter how much I wanted to say No I couldn’t.. I just wanted to be near him… I met him because I loved him, he met me because he was horny… It really isn’t worth it. Most of the time, one of you will get feelings and will be hurt. I knew it was wrong to meet him, but I couldn’t resist.. A few days ago, he basically called me a slut… Then said “I didn’t mean it” and whenever we are lying beside each other he will ask “How many others have you slept with recently” and when I asked him why he was soo nasty to me, he said he was jealous.. Then he said “we were always mates”… Even when I met him as a friend, he wanted sex… Don’t abuse yourself by letting men use you for their sexual pleasures.. They have 2 hands
January 19th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Hi … a little while ago me and a best friend started friends with benifits … i think it may have been a bad idea because i fell for her when i was in a relationship with someone else and i i still like her as much as i did … we have known each other for the last 4years now and have been close friends … she was the one who thought of being FWB and i agreed because i had asked her out and i guess this is her excuse .. its killing me tbh because i feel this way about her but i dont want to stop being FWB … we havent had sex yet but we prob will in the near future its just been casual stuff … im not sure what to do or say anymore
January 19th, 2010 at 7:22 pm
Hi Graham
Unfortunately this is what usually happens in these relationships. Have you told her about your feelings? Are you still in a relationship with someone else?
I hope you realise why you don’t want to stop being FWB … it’s a way to be close to her, so why not sound her out and try to find out if she would be up for a relationship with you. If you find out now before it goes all the way then you can keep the friendship side if she says no but if she says yes then your problems are over (or just beginning lol).
January 24th, 2010 at 2:34 am
Yes i have told her about my feelings…
after the last comment i left some things happened which hurt us both but it brung us a lot closer also. and she also has realised a lot..
i think maybe theres a good chance we will begin a relationsip/
im no longer in a relationship (headwaster lol)
I know that is why i dont want to stop being FWB but can you blame me really?
the thing is is that she is kinda afraid of commitment but that has to do with family problems and that is also part of the reason we have not yet begun a relationship.
tbh my ind is going crazy atm and i dont know why because everything is going great.. guess we should just go with it and see what happens
January 31st, 2010 at 4:17 pm
I m in a FWB. been happening for nearly 7 months now, we were old school (i wouldnt say friends as never spoke to each other). We met up again 15 years later online and i was going through a messy break up with my kids father, my FWB was also going through a rough emotional time with his ex. We met up as friends and only friends but the attraction was there, so we talked about it on line. It does work, yes i love him and i believe he loves me but we have such different lives that a relationship would never work. He talks about his ex, i talk about mine but our time actually physically together we call unreality time, escape from all the problems daily life can bring and just enjoy hugs (and sex) it works because if i start to come on heavy with the i miss yous he backs off, then when he does i back off, when we both miss each other thats when it s good, FWB can work as long as the respect is there, it s about being a friend more than the benefits, considering the other persons feelings and communication.
February 16th, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Hi Nikki
Thanks for your insights into FWB relationships. It was interesting to read your comment “when we both miss each other thats when it s good” which suggests that when it begins to get emotional is when it’s ‘good’.
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:24 am
i’ve been FWB for about a year now with a good friend of mine.. although now i’m confused.. it used to be just hooking up (we’ve never had sex coz we both think thats more than mucking around) but now when we meet up its like a propper date.. we go out just the 2 of us go to the cinema go for a walk by the river or even go to a restaurant (he pays) cant anyone tell me what is going on here?? coz im clueless
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:31 pm
Hi Clueless
Only you can tell what is going on. It sounds as though the boundary between friendship and relationship has been crossed, which often happens in FWB situatiuons. You need to think back to when the line was crossed and whether it was a mutual effort, one sided or if you just drifted into it. Are you happy to be in a relationship with this person?
March 6th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
yes i would be perfectly happy to be in a relationship with him, which made me think it was all in my head and that i was just wishing it to happen. any ideas?
May 3rd, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Hi Clueless
Sounds like it’s time to see if he is ready to move your “friendship” up a level. He may be feeling exactly the way you are or he might be quite happy to keep things as they are. You need to decide whether you could carry on as you are or if you now need more from him.
March 11th, 2010 at 1:57 am
I met my FWB in nov. of last yr. In the beggining he was so sweet so nice, one time he texted me i was in such a daze OMG i forgot to take the deposit to the bank i just drove to the bank.When he walked into the local sports bar i would have huge butterflies. he called me texted me atleast every three days. i wud be dying to see him. and beg him to come see me.now i text him he does not respond,i will not call him cuz im scared i will hear anothers gurls voice, i cry everyday now. this month has been the first mth that was have not seen each other atleast once a week.i feel like im in mourning. it is terrible.
March 12th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Hi
I’m confused I had a one night stand with a friend recently. It started out as friends with benefits but he said it shouldn’t happen again. Ok, fine. But recently, i went to his party and he was paying me all sorts of compliments such as the way I’d look, how pretty I looked etc. I started to leave to catch my train but he pursuaded me to stay the night. I slept next to him but no sex. But I am confused he says we should be friends but he’s acting as though he’s interested. He seems to blow hot and cold.
May 3rd, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Hi Bootastic
Without meeting the man in question it is hard to guess what is going on with him. When you stayed the night without sex did he try to start anything or just cuddle and sleep? Men can admire the way you look without wanting to get into a relationship, he may be attracted to you but just not ready to have a relationship. He sounds like an honest and open guy, talk to him about his mixed signals.
March 13th, 2010 at 3:20 am
I have recently started talking to a friend four years after we met, shes amazing, we are both the bestest of friends ever, i have never been so open to anyone in my life and her the same.
We both want to deal with each other, we can see it and we have phone sex all the time, however i seem to be completely attracted to her as a person and physically too but not in return, she loves me as a person but she just doesnt feel attracted to me, she is still getting over an ex but thats the only person she has been with. We are still young (22) and we just want to have fun, but at the same time in the future anything could happen (he prays). We love being around each other, and have lots of fun but am i hurting myself or is my lust getting in the way! Should i really get in to this?
I really want this to work, maybe when she is over him things could be differnt or maybe if things happen with us the feelings will naturally kick in on her side…..
May 3rd, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Hi Concerned
You have to face that she may never have romantic feelings for you but the fact that she is having phone sex with you means she is starting to get over her ex.
It’s a horrible old cliche but as with many cliches they are often true … if you love someone let them go and if they come back to you they are yours.
Try to just be her friend and have fun for now. Don’t bank on her falling for you, there may be a time she tells you excitedly that she has met a new man and you will have to deal with that, she will want to share the news with you because you are her friend.
I’m afraid if you are not attracted to someone you can’t force yourself to be but in time your mind can change about someone naturally. If she needs a friend now just try to go with the flow and be good friends, see anything else as a plus but don’t rely on it going any further.
One thing you could try is telling her you are going on a date .. I don’t agree with game playing when it comes to romance but if she is happy for you and wants to know all the details then you are on a hiding to nothing but if she expresses any jealousy then it might be worth hanging in there for a while.
March 22nd, 2010 at 5:41 pm
you know what if you love that person and you only an option to them than ya you are being used and hurt. but in my experiance she wanted it this way i didnt have feelings for her and she iddnt for me ethier but i enjoyed everybit with her she helped me feel confident after a bad breakup and sexually i have been pushed to a new limit… eventhought we never took it anywhere else than besides my bedroom it was a great experiance for me and im glad it happed. now i realize i want to be loved and i want love back.
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:40 pm
Hello. Just reading here. I wish I would have seen all these great articles before i decided to agree to be fwb with a guy i really liked. We were together a couple of times, but my feelings for him were sincere. I really liked him and thought that by being fwb, we’d end up together, but instead everything turned out differently. i’m hurt, hes with a girl, and its hard to move on. Friends tell me to move on, but its just so hard. Every time i hear my phone ring, I’m hoping it’ll be him. never have a fwb if you have feelings for the possible person your planning to have as a fwb. Theres such a small chance that with only sexual attraction, a relationship will come out of that. i don’t think it ever does. it can, but the possibilities are so small. So after doing some stuff with him, now we don’t even talk to each other and that kills me, but he doesn’t care because he has a stupid girlfriend. I’m trying to get over him, but for anyone out there reading this, don’t have a fwb. I don’t thinks you’ll turn out OK. You’ll be an emotional wreck if your fwb is someone you really like. I’m never having another fwb. EVER!
April 2nd, 2010 at 11:02 pm
Hi
I am in the same situation here.. I meet this guys online and after 1 month we chat through internet then we meet up. I was in relationship when I meet him, I married with my husband for 5 years and I get bit bored with whole the relationship so I decide to meet this guy which asking me out since 1 month ago. First time I meet him, I am not really attracted to him but I can tell that he really fancy me. We meet in the pub, walking together and end up in his place, he start to kiss and hug me but that only that on that night, no sex or anything. After that we meet again and after 3 times meet him we then end up having sex, he was very good in bed and this make me like him more. My feeling changed to him I become fancy him. He is not really my type but I like the way he make love to me. Then after we hooked up he said that he still wants to be single, as I didnt told him that I already married, so I said OK , I dont mind with that condition. But, from beginning he said that something weird is going on in here as I not allowed him to know my house and also I not really pick up his called as I cant really talked at home, I never show him my place, etc .. but the thing is cannot explain more to him as I scared he will run away if he knew my condition. Well, for short, I fell to him now, I become attached to him so much, we meet sometime twice a week to have dinner, watch TV and sometime we had sex and sometime not. He paid the dinner, movies and everything else when we out. I asked him to share but he said is OK. The thing is, when I said to him what I felt for him, he said he dont want in relationship at the moment and he wants to be single, he ais there is something missing in here, and he is not looking for girlfriend at the moment but he said he really like me, and enjoy spending time with me. This really hurt me, but I cant said anything, I remember my status too, I still married but then I like him soo much, I cant refuse not to call him or meet him, I become chasing him now, plus so clingy and I feel that he dont want I get hurt so he is a bit avoiding me but by not answer my text and call but we still meet up in the weekend and have sex. I really fall in love with him now, dont know what to do. I really want to ending this but I cant because he is very good in bed but I cant developed more feeling to him as he said he dont want in relationship. I so confuse, I really hopes that sometimes we can become a couple, is it any possibility that one day our FWB thing will work out as a relationship, I dont mind to wait him at all… I just really hope that he is at least have a bit emotionally feeling for me …
any comment ?
May 3rd, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Hi Hopeless Girls
I’m afraid you are not in a FWB relationship, you are simply having an affair and they very rarely turn out the way you hope they will. He has explained to you many times he doesn’t want a relationship, so he is simply using you for sex.
What worries me is that you had sex with someone you did not even fancy at the time, which suggests you have issues other than a bored marriage to deal with. For your own good you need to stop seeing him or he will hurt you in the end.
Then you need to consider your marriage, is it over? Is it time to get divorced and look for a new relationship .. in that order. Or is it time to go to marriage guidance councelling and try to sort out the issues your marriage. If you are bored with your marriage have you told your husband this? Perhaps he is just as bored as you are and together you can spice your marriage up a bit.
April 7th, 2010 at 8:05 pm
Sorry if any one has already said this but self respect come first but i have no self respect and in a strange way have a ‘friend with benifits’ has helped me get some. We both no that there are no strings attached we enjoy each others company and also get what we need from it. Its like having a boyfriend without the hassle
May 3rd, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Hi Kelly
You don’t explain how being in a friends with benefits relationship gives you self resect. Do you not think you would gain more self respect by being in a loving, committed relationship?
April 10th, 2010 at 12:26 am
I commented a while ago about being friends with benefits with a close friend …see tbh i advise against it
whatever you do do not fall for the other person because it will f**k up a friendship
because i fell for her i feel like im nothing …i love her and i shouldnt really be hanging on to this but i cant help it
she texts guys same as she talks to me …eventually you will just be another face in the line
there is a lot i would take back but at the same time i wouldnt
it was pretty good at times …other times it wasnt so good
hopefully sooner or later something will happen to bring this to an end
May 6th, 2010 at 2:49 am
Personally, I’m quite happy with my two FWB situations. I’ve just come out of a long term relationship a few months ago
I have two FWBs, both lovely mature men, one whose been doing the FWBs thing for many years now. That particular one is a real gent, and we wine and dine and such as well as the sex. It’s kind of like being in a relationship without all the hassle, and being comfortable with each other having other sexual partner.
The other one is more of a pure sexual thing, and that’s fine with me. We both understand that we use each other for it!
What I’m trying to say is that if two mature people who know what to expect from FWB get into it, then it can be a long lasting, satisfying solution
May 13th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Hi Emily
I agree that as we mature we are more able to cope with such relationships, maturity tends to teach us what we really want out of life.
However I also believe that FWB relationships are more often than not entered into for the wrong reasons (particularly with younger people), for example hoping they will fall in love with you or simply to use someone for sex without the benefit of the real friendship.
May 6th, 2010 at 10:58 pm
Okay, I’m friends with this girl who I met about 3 months or so ago because of her sister. She thought I was cute, we started texting, and here is where we are.
She currently is on a break with her boyfriend of almost 3 years. He’s on the other side of the state, and she doesn’t like the distance. I first drove up to see her a couple weeks ago, that day we just talked and so forth. I left that night and received a text from her saying “Would it be weird if I have a little crush on you? Maybe more than a little?” I told her no, I actually feel the same way, and that I just want to take it slow. So the day after that I went up to see her again.. we went hiking, came back to her house, cuddled up on the bed, and watched some movies. She made some sexual advances at me, but I did not have sex with her.. I wanted to take it slow, but looking back now.. I should have plowed her. She later told me that night she just started her period, and that before she starts it, she’s hyper, hungry, and horny.. which explains why she was all over me. Anyway, she’s basically told me everything about her and what she wants from life, but she doesn’t want a relationship from me because of the guy she’s on a break with, and she told me she would probably hurt me. (emotionally) I asked her if friends with benefits would work with her, she said yes. Now, we haven’t had sex, yet.. but she’s talked about it, how she prefers different positions, etc. She’s also sent me some nude pictures of herself. We haven’t had the opportunity to be alone anymore yet, and I want to have sex with her before the ‘friend trap’ situation becomes an issue.
I already know I can’t trust her to try to pursue a relationship, but I’ve just grown fond of her, so I’ll just take what I can get. Also, this is my first friend with benefits, so I’m very unaware of how to act with/around her. Do I call her every now and then, go out with her to places/fishing, kiss/hug her when we’re together, or do I just go get her when I want to have sex?
May 13th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Hi Confused
Just be careful, you say you are fond of her and will accept what you can get but for how long will you be able to accept the status quo? Will your fondness begin to grow into something bigger?
If you want to enter into a FWB relationship the rules are simple, she is your buddy so treat her as you would any other friend. You wouldn’t be scared to contact any other friend or ask if they fancy going out for a night, so no difference here. The only difference is you tend not to do the romantic gestures or demaqnd her undivided attention.
So pleased to hear you realise she is not someone to get into a relationship with, clearly trust would be an issue between you, given past experience.
May 15th, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Hey Sally. So, I’ve been in love with a really close friend of mine for a while, and although we’ve both entertained the idea, it won’t really go anywhere in terms of a serious relationship. We’ve sort of settled on a FWB relationship (purely making out). We both know that we’re not looking for a serious relationship, that we respect one another, and that our friendship comes first. What I’m wondering is, given our history, can this work?
May 17th, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Hi Hugo
Your comment answers your own question. You ask whether this can work but begin by stating you are in love with her but it won’t go anywhere. It seems to me this is a good example of getting into a FWB relationship in the hope it will develop into something long lasting and that very, very rarely happens I’m afraid. Usually the person in love simply gets hurt whent he object of their affection finds someone they want to be in a relationship with.
May 27th, 2010 at 1:12 am
I’m in a friends with benefits arrangment right now, with an ex-boyfriend. i didn’t rly want to be, it happened in a spur of the moment thing. now i’m in it, and wondering if it’s going 2 be my biggest mistake of my life.
June 7th, 2010 at 11:43 am
I have been meeting up with a guy for 6 months now, only really every 3-4 weeks as he lives a few hours away. I asked him what was happening with us because i was getting mixed reactions. He said he was scared of commitment and wasnt sure if because of this it would be a good idea to have a relationship, but he still wanted to see me and have the friends with benefits thing and i didnt want to stop seeing him. We have loads in common and have a really good time when were together, pretty much acting as partners when i go and see him.
Will he ever get over the scared of commitment thing (is it just an excuse) or am i just wasting my time?
I am happy with things as they are at the moment but am scared that the more i see him the more i will want him.
June 7th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Hi Danie
“Scared of commitment” isn’t always an excuse, it depends on a persons relationship history and where they are in their life. Being hurt is a chance we all take as soon as we start dating anyone, we do not go on a first date and commit for life. You have to do what feels right for you, if you need a bit of committment and he isn’t ready then you need to decide how far down that road you can let yourself travel before you need to accept it isn’t going to work out.
June 12th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
I have a guy friend who met a girl and he’s told me he likes her and wants to date her, but for unknown reasons she is apparently conflicted and tells him that part of her says she wants to date him and part of her wants to stay single.
This has been the case for almost a month now as they discussed the idea of dating multiple times and she keeps telling him she is thinking about it, but gives off mixed signals. Just the other week though they had sex and she suggested they be friends with benefits afterwards.
Now my friend and I are a little confused as to what is going on and whether she really is conflicted or whether she is using him…
They talk all the time about all the usual stuff whether its online or over the phone and she shows interest and says she likes him, but not wanting to date but willing to be friends with benefits is the part that makes it confusing. Also, does it make any difference that she hasn’t had an actual bf in 7 years?
June 14th, 2010 at 11:29 am
Hi TryingToHelp
Some people are happier being single but do sometimes like the human contact side of a relationship without the dirty socks and reporting in when they are going to be late home from work.
Your friend has to decide whether this is a situation he wants to get involved with or if he’s looking for more than this girl can offer, therefore better off looking for someone with similar desires. Where many people go wrong is thinking that friends with benefits relationships will naturally grow into a full relationship … they often don’t, so this is not a good reason to enter into such a relationship.
It may simply be that the mixed signals are coming because she does like your friend but doesn’t want to get into regular dating. Clearly there is a reason she has been alone for 7 years, it would be best for your friend to try to find out, sympathetically, what her motivation is for remaining single for this length of time. It may be that she is just happy that way or she may have been so badly hurt by someone her trust has been badly damaged, in which case your friend could be patient and supportive as she learns to trust him.
July 11th, 2010 at 10:03 am
2 years ago I started a friends with benefits relationship with a guy who was in a relationship himself, because his girlfriend was not in the same country.they broke up after a while.no one really knows about our ‘relationship’ with each other.i have always been emotionally involved even though i know i shouldnt have deep feelings for him.he on the other hand made it clear from the start that he is not up for a committed relationship.i have been hurt many times by what he has done and said,however i still find myself trapped in this relationship.he is not even my type,and im now in a relationship myself but i have not been able to stop my feelings for him.i have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for more than a year,and i know it is wrong but i have cheated on him with my friend with benefits.my boyfriend does not know about this.things are getting messy with my friend with benefits,even though we dont sleep with each other anymore.he is ignoring me and it really hurts me that it is so difficult to even be friends now. what should i do?
July 12th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Hi Jane
Please read back what you have written. You say you are in a relationship by yourself with this FWB person but I want to point out two things:
1. You are not in a relationship with him, you are simply being used by him. He told you very clearly this was about sex and nothing else, so please stop telling yourself that this is a relationship.
2. You are talking about a relationship with this person and then say you are in a relationship with your boyfriend. You have to decide why you are with your current boyfriend. Clearly you are not committed to this relationship because you have cheated on him. Are you perhaps using him to get the emotional support you need but are not getting from your FWB?
I’m so pleased to hear he is ignoring you, take this as a sign and move on, no matter how difficult that is. He doesn’t want you and you are just driving yourself nuts chasing him. Accept it’s over, actually accept it never really began, and then look at your current boyfriend .. is he really the man for you? If yes then start treating him with respect and commit to your relationship. If no then ditch him and find someone you can really love and receive love back from.
July 11th, 2010 at 7:59 pm
ok so im currently fwb with a guy i went to school with.. what happened was we hung out one night just as friends and went to the beach than we went back to his house to watch a movie and one thing led to another we both said we liked each other but i just got out of a broken engagment and he got out of a long relationship we have hung out a few times and decided after the first time we hung out that we just wanted to take things slow and be friends than the next time we saw each other we decided to be fwb we have hung out a few times after that but every time we hang out he kisses me and snuggles with me and we have only had sex 2 out of the 8 times we have hung out.. we text or talk every day and when we hang out things seam like we are dating but than we text and he tells me we are just friends and he feels like im making it more (witch it is him making it more not me) my question is…. are we fwb and that is it or it is or will it be more??
July 12th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Hi confused with men
You’ve only hung out 8 times, even in a normal dating scenario I wouldn’t expect someone to declare they are in a committed relationship at this stage. You haven’t said why your engagement was broken off but my guess is you are pushing this person too fast and too hard in order to feel that you are in a committed relationship again. Just lighten up a bit and see where it goes.
Unfortunately women are often confused when a man states it’s just FWB and then does the romance and snuggling thing but men are people, they need affection too.
August 6th, 2010 at 10:47 am
This may be the longest comment/story/question here (so I apologize) but I REALLY need some solid advice. Please help!
A really good friend and I have gotten really close these past couple of months. Kissing leads to touching but I always stop it there. Why? Because he has a girlfriend. Him and his gf are always fighting and she’s really dependent on him for money and transportation while she’s in college (I’m 23 he’s 23 and his gf is 7 years older than him with two kids of her own-not his) so that’s one of the reasons it’s tough for him to leave her, because he knows all she would lose (she would have to quite school to get a job to support her kids etc.) And he really hates drama. Sometimes I just want to say “grow some juevos and do it already!”
We’re both at pretty much the same stages in our lives, while his gf seems so far behind that she sometimes pulls him with her, I’m graduating this semester (him next semester) and I’m independent with my own transportation. I get it that he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings but I don’t get how he can just stay in a obviously failing miserable relationship and continue arguing and letting her take advantage.
I have some really strong feelings for him I would really like to start a relationship with this guy, we’re practically best friends, tell each other everything. I’m comfortable when I’m with him and he makes me happy. We’ve talked about how we felt about each other (both like and care about each other a lot) and we both understand this is a difficult situation. When we start to get flirty and touchy I tend to slow things down because I’m worried about getting hurt.
Before getting close or even thinking about doing anything intimate we could both see some definite chemistry and possibility for a great relationship but obviously he’s tied down and I’m not. I explained with him a few times how i sometimes feel like I’m just being used (like a rental car while the other car is getting fixed) and he agreed that it wasn’t fair to either girl that we be doing anything. So he really did make an attempt to hold back.
Several times we both wanted to go at it but we knew we should just “be good”. He still gives me small kisses to show me at least some affection while he tries to uphold what he said.
Sometimes though, the sexual tension is so high that I’ve even told him “well why not just have fun, college kids to crazy things while in school right?”-and I feel I may regret ever having said that.
I haven’t had a boyfriend or done anything physical with a guy for over 2yrs so it’s really not hard for me to wait for him to end his relationship with his current gf (and I feel it may get to that point soon) as long as I knew that I was waiting for something and not wasting my time. This is tough! Like I’ve said we’ve had a few talks on this whole thing before so I can tell him how I feel and let him know where I stand but because of the situation I can never get a confirmed or clear answer. So we’re both not sure on what will happen. After the talk we had where we decided we should ease up on the physical aspect a bit we did cute little pinky promises to each other, mine was that he promise not to change (i.e. don’t just stop talking to me all together thinking this is “holding back”). His was that I promise that no matter what happens he would still want to be friends because he doesn’t want to lose me either. I was super hesitant because that’s always a weird question that depends on different situations. That and I didn’t want him to think “cool i’ll still have her even if I don’t break up with my gf” (do guys say that as an escape?), however, I reluctantly promised. He knows that I want a relationship and not just a occasional/one night thing, that’s the reason we always hesitate and then stop before going “all the way”. (we’ve never had sex or oral sex, just touching.)
By now the sexual tension is really hard to deal with and I feel like just giving in and giving my body what it needs and I think he feels the same. He hinted at wanting me to give him a hand job and possibly oral but my concerns are:
1. Obviously don’t want to be used or get hurt. He knows this.
2. He’s given me a hand job basically before and I think he thinks that I maybe “owe him one”? maybe that’s why he brought it up? I’m not sure. I don’t want him to think I’m a tease but I feel he could soon be getting more frustrated because I hesitate so much.
3. I don’t want him to think that because I told him that kids do crazy things in college, that a FWB (Friends With Benefits) relationship with me would be enough.
Believe me, 50% says don’t because he may just be using me and 50% says “it’s go time baby!”. So frustrating!
So what if I just go ahead and do it? “pay him back” so to speak. I think we’d both enjoy it initially but in the end he has someone to go home to and I’m afraid I’m going to regret it because the possibility that nothing could come of it and I could get hurt and feel like I’ve lost a really really great guy and friend.
I plan on talking with him about the whole FWB issue but I need advice on this situation as a whole. I don’t want to just be the other girl that he knows he can get something with when his gf isn’t providing.
I also don’t want to lose him because I really think there is potential for us to be together (or it may just be that I’m naturally hopeful) and after reading how a lot of people having FWB issues never got a relationship it was just really discouraging and left me more confused on what to do.
My closest friend was so happy when she saw how happy i was with him, but once I began to have concerns she got worried for me. She knows he can be lazy sometimes and doesn’t think he’s going to do anything about his current gf. She suggested I just go ahead have fun and move on. I don’t want to get hurt though and I don’t want to just do something with him as if it were meaningless or emotionless. I don’t think I’d be able to just not think of it as nothing.
In conclusion…
Thank you for reading this in its entirety I know it was long but hopefully you can understand the difficult situation I’m in. Please if anyone could offer sound, helpful advice (not just telling me “it’s not worth it!”) because I think he is worth it and I think the possibility of “we” and trying is worth it) If you don’t think it’s a good idea please explain so I understand all while realizing this is not just some random guy friend, he’s important to me.
I’m so confused and torn. x___x
August 10th, 2010 at 1:08 am
Hi Hopeful
Ok the answer to this problem is very simple, it all comes down to what you hope will happen with this guy and you have made it clear you want to be with him.
For this to work he HAS to leave his gf before anything happens between you. Why? Lots of reasons but the most important one is to prove that he is not simply trying to have his cake and eat it because if he is there is a whole load of hurt waiting for you around the corner.
If he can cheat on her then he can cheat on you and you will spend the remainder of your relationship with him looking for signs, causing insecurity for you. Please remember it is highly unlikely that his gf forced him into his current situation, he made offers, he made agreements and all while declaring his love for her (granted he may realise now that it was a mistake but he went into this because he loved her at the time – my guess is he simply bit off more than he can chew with a ready made family). So if you ended up married to him with children would he be able to cope or would you be facing the situation his gf is facing now?
Basically you have to find out what sort of man you would be getting in the long term, is he honorable or deceitful? Being ‘practically best friends’ is not going to tell you this, as romantic relationships are a whole different ball game. If he is honorable then he will sort out the problem he has with her (ie leave her) before getting into a relationship with you or anyone else. A possible solution here, if he is genuinely only staying for reasons of responsibility, is to offer to help her through college (perhaps as a financial loan she pays back when she is working). If he is simply deceitful is this really a man you want to be involved with romantically?
Other reasons he must leave her first are: affairs are often discovered, you would then be dragged into a horrible situation and trust me she would blame you not him / you think now that you wouldn’t feel guilty about it (because she’s bleeding him dry/doesn’t treat him right/they are always fighting/etc) but wait 20 years and see what you think about in the dead of night!! / even if he is totally genuine and is torn between wanting to be with you but feeling responsible for her, you could be waiting for him for a VERY long time if he is getting what he needs from you and still fulfilling his responsibilities to her – you would in fact be the answer to his prayers in this situation but you wouldn’t be getting what you want or need from him.
Clearly you think he is worth it so be clever about it. If he leaves her before getting involved with you this will prove he is honorable, he really wants to be with you, he doesn’t want to drag you into a drama, he has the balls to make decisions and take action in his life and you can both start your relationship free from chaos and emotional pressure from a third party.
I can’t agree with your friend about going ahead and moving on because this wouldn’t be possible for you or you would have done it by now. You have feelings for this guy and feelings always complicate things. You have to be very strong with yourself and accept that he either has to leave his gf first or he is simply using the oldest one in the book (a variation of my wife doesn’t understand me).
March 21st, 2011 at 6:11 pm
ey I have a question, me and a friend/aquaintance had sex once years ago and nothing came out of that..it just happened..I started seeing someone and that was that.Then years later he finds me on facebook and we start texting..we never once talk about what we did..I don’t know why maybe it was awkward for both of us I don’t really know.But anywho so we started texting and he started calling me, and I didn’t understand was these just friendly calls or what. So we talked on the phone and we had very good conversation, like he made me laugh and we flirted, we remineced about things and we basically talked like we were very close friends..so one day I staryed to question his motive..ALL MEN HAVE THEM..soo I asked him if he was feeling me or was he just lloking for a cuddy buddy? And he told me that he was not the kind of guy to boo up and be in a relationship but that does not mean he not feeling me at all..and that he wouldn’t mind being my FWB/cuddy buddy.so once he said that I said goodi was just asking because I already have a dude, and I didn’t want to confuse whatever you wanted out of this and I wanted you to understand we couldn’t be nothing more if not fwb and he said that was music to his ears..soo I’m like okk he’s funny…soo I agreed and he would call to see when I was coming to see him..so the first night he came over to my friends house and it was the first time we’ve seen each other in years, so I was nervous as hell, I was all kinds of insecure because he’s hott and basically was known to be a bachelor..so he came and I played things cool..cal and collected..didn’t want to see press that he was there or anything. We all talked and laughed..plus some dudes act funny when others are around so I was prepared for those reactions..I played it as if I wasn’t even interested like that..so to find out he was really affectionate with me the whole time, holding me, listening to me talk, kiss on me, hug me none stop, everything your boyfriend would do..my friend would catch him staring at me when I wasn’t looking A LOT…soo that night I went back to his house and it was nice too.like her was realllyyy intimate with me on a higher level than fwb, he held me all night, kissed me on my forhead all night and morning when I was sleeping, played with my cheeks yall, like really..he kept kissing me and everything..the sex was bomb as well..we did the boo up thing till I let then I heard from him like twice that following week..nothing major but it was only thru text..I felt weird like I missed somthing..I dint want to feel this way cause I new what we were.so one night I told him he sucked as a cuddy buddy he told me he was sorry he’s been busy..so after a few text and dumb responses I stoped texting.I never called anyway but I stop texting..soo days later he decides to text me, I never replied.he decides to call I never picked up..so the next day he texts twice so I finally reply and I just act like everything was fine and normal..so does he, basically like he was interested more..we started talking about us having sex..soo then the wknd coes along and I go spend the night.mind you agin I don’t show my affection like kissing and all that touchy stuff unless it comes my way first exspecially when I don’t no how a dude feels about me..so soon as he sees me he has this big grin on his face, he culls me into his arms tight and close..he kisses me and starts that kissing my cheek and biting me cheek thing..I’m still playing it cook and flirty thougshocking like I could tell I mh..so he’s all talking like always making me laugh and I’m making him laugh..we have really good chemistry, he stares at me and coninues to tell me how beautiful I am and pretty.he talks to me about everything which is a great thing and I could tell he feels comfortable with me..when we were to gether the other night we booed up so well like it was natural like we were a couple, nand I’m not going to lie it felt good to have that feeling of comfort and closeness with someone.but its like once I’m gone I’m gone.I know he knows I have a dude, which is my daughters father and all, and he brought up him but I never really discuss that with him..I just want to know should I just stop this now before I really catch feelings? Like does he like me or are we really just fuck buddies..did I play it wrong like wtf?? I thought if you showed alittle interest and alittle hard to get you would see somthing..like when were together were soo great..I may not show all the interest and he definately does but when were aprt I feel as though I want him to miss me..what should I do?
March 22nd, 2011 at 11:16 pm
Hi KP
You need to work out what you want. Do you want the guy you are in a relationship with? If yes why are you cheating on him. If no why are you still with him. Are you prepared for your daughter to potentially lose her father because you like sex with some guy you know?
Your friend with benefits … of course you need to end it before you get hurt. FWB’s don’t stress out or wonder if they were used if the other person doesn’t text them for a couple of days. You seem to be trying to work out where it is going and what he wants from you … if the answer is not “we just want to be friends and occasionally have sex if we are both in the mood” then please get out of this situation quickly and don’t let yourself be used in this way.
March 22nd, 2011 at 12:27 am
im in a situation where i havea friend with benefits.we started out dating but i found out she was seeing othere guys behind my back.we sat down an both relised the sex was great but neither of us wanted the relationship to develope any further because both us had had realy bad experiances previous with long term partners which made us very wary about commiting to each othere.we both relised we needed and missed the physicle side of a relationship but felt uncomfortable with the emotional side of a relationship.we have now been seeing each othere for 8 yrs now we both have had traditional relationships with otheres while still seeing each othere even tho sex was great then good eventualy became mundane sex with my friend as always been great exciting.i believe this is because we have a deeper understanding an respect for each othere we also have a deeper level of honesty between each othere iv never had with anyone else we can talk about anything,we talk about our othere partners freely give advice on any problems emotional and the physicle with our othere halfs sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt but the advice we give each othere is genuine.i stopped seeing her for 12 months because i was with someone i wanted to be faithfull with an my friend accepted that an understood it but after 12 months we split up (nothing to do with my friend) after we split up i contacted my friend and it was if we had never stopped seeing each othere.
having a friend with benefits is rare getting a friend with benefits is full of pitfalls you have to be sure what you want and be confident in yourself and honest with each othere from the start key is from my oppinion be a friend first and formost sex is secondry.
March 22nd, 2011 at 11:02 pm
Hi Ian
Thank you for sharing your story, always good to hear first hand knowledge.
March 28th, 2011 at 11:44 pm
I’ve been with this guy 3 times, we always get together, split up, dont talk for months, start talking again and get back together then do the whole thing again. I lost my virginity to him months ago, and we’ve started speaking again, and anyways now were friends with benefits, but he always seems to care and he makes me so happy but hes not built for a relationship, but i cant move on, i just dunno what to do anymore :/ help anyone?
March 29th, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Hi Bekki
So this relationship didn’t work 3 times … is it likely to work a 4th time round? Of course not. I would suggest you are not in a FWB relationship because in real FWB relationships both parties are totally happy and comfortable with the situation .. which you are clearly not.
You have to take control of your own life and be less available to him. While he may be a great guy and make you very happy when you’re together it’s a never ending cycle that eventually leaves you hurt and confused … so why keep repeating the process?
The whole point of FWB relationships is that you are friends, first and foremost .. that doesn’t include not hearing from him for months. That is called being used, when he wants you you’re available to him and when he doesn’t you just disappear off his radar.
Bekki you have to find the confidence to say no to him. Next time he calls say you’re busy or just don’t answer for a couple of days and see how much confidence it gives you to be in control. Then you get to decide what your future holds with him, if anything. It takes some courage but once you try it I bet you’ll like the feeling.
You never know, if you’re less available he may decide he is built for a relationship after all … of course you will be in control then and able to decide if it’s what YOU want.
You say he really cares but does someone who really cares disappear for months?
March 29th, 2011 at 5:36 pm
I’m gonna try that, Like really try, I think your right, I need to sort myself out and stop letting him use me as his doormat!
Thanks sally means a lot to me!
March 29th, 2011 at 8:15 pm
Hi Bekki
Glad to hear it. Remember … if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.
Never feel you don’t deserve better than this. Surely it is better to be single (ie not in a relationship) but control your life than in a sort of relationship and allow someone else to control your life.
Best of luck and always here if you need to chat.
March 30th, 2011 at 11:11 pm
hi. okay my FWB has been goin on with this fella for nearly three years! i always knew he sort of liked me and on hols one summer my friends kept at me to kiss him, i didn’t want to at first. because we are reallyanother gud friends but then one night one ting lead to. another! over the past three years we. have been getting together on and of with no strings attached but a few weeks ago we were out on a night out i had kissed this other lad and my FWB. saw it which wss nothing new as we had got with people abefore and never a problem but when i went back tao dseats to sit down beside my FWb he was al quiet. and started crying i was. shock about it all and knew he was annoyed about me gettng with the other lad! ihe then told me that i mean a lot too him i let it pass but brought it up again a few days later! he tryed cumin up with petty excuses to cover up that he cryed my best friend asked him did he likeme?? and why did he cry? he kept looking at me all the tym for an answer and turned to me admittin that he was jealous! the nexy day i texted him to talk to him to try sort this mess out! he told me had feelings for me but more as a good friend but then d nite before he had admitted to likin me! i told him thst we can’t eget together again because its ruining our friendship. he totally agreed with this,but we went out the weekend after and was trying it on with me agaagain n
March 30th, 2011 at 11:21 pm
continuing on from last comment, but ipushed him away! i was annoyed after this that because we had made it clear that we weren’t goin to be at that agsin! i went out again last weekend and we were only in the nightvlub for. about twenty minutes and i started dancing with this lad as soon as i went and done that my FWb was of like a shot tryin to get wit a girl! and my sister and my friend noticed it to! my sister also caught him on that same night looking at me in a way oh she luks hot tanite basically sayin i want you! i dnt get this fella and I’m gettin al dese mixed messages of him! i dn don’t mind if we just stay friends now. but still don’t get why he cryed in the first place if we are only gud friends that’s it?? all my friends n pple who just met us tink we are made for each oter and all that! i don’t get what he is playing at and I’m so confused because he probably still do it again the next time we go out again! i really need your advice please
March 31st, 2011 at 12:49 am
Hi Confused
Even if FWB start out as a genuine no strings attached arrangement it so often leads to one of the people involved hoping it will turn into something more. Clearly this has happened with your friend and I doubt it would have been a deliberate plan. Emotions are not something we can just switch on and off, if they begin to grow beyond the friendship it is so difficult to stop feelings of jealousy and turmoil.
Only your friend can tell you why he cried but my guess is … it was the release of finally admitting he had feelings for you beyond the FWB relationship. If he was sure you wanted nothing more than FWB but had developed feelings for you he had probably been trying to play his part without showing he felt anything beyond what he thought you wanted. When he was finally able to admit he had other feelings for you it would have been a great release and also fear of ruining the friendship and arrangement you had already. Fear of rejection, in simple terms.
Part of him will want you to rush into his arms and say you feel the same way and another part will be angry with himself and trying to stand back from you in order not to ruin the friendship and FWB arrangement. This is why he is sending you mixed messages I would think.
Try to imagine you finally admit to someone, after a long period of time, that you have genuine feelings for them and are jealous when you see him with someone else … how would you then feel around him, to see him kissing other women? Confused, embarrassed, worried, foolish, rejected, etc … and that is how he will feel.
If you want to keep your friendship with him but not hurt him any more, then you need to be totally honest with him. Explain that the FWB arrangement must end because you don’t want to send him mixed messages and there is no chance of you ever being in a real relationship together. Tell him how important your friendship is to you and that you would rather lose the FWB than to lose his friendship altogether or just keep hurting him. Of course it will hurt him but it’s better than a constant battle inside him to feel jealous and perhaps hope it will blossom into love.
Obviously if you are genuinely his friend then you need to consider his feelings for some time while you are out together. Try to enjoy yourself without being too obvious in flirting and trying to get other guys while he is there. Think how you would feel in his situation and then treat him as you would hope he would treat you if the roles were reversed.
March 31st, 2011 at 10:39 am
I do care for him a lot and definitely don’t want it to ruin our friendship. but when he did start to get upset that night my feelings for him started to change and i thought i liked him and i wss honest with him and told him that but then he turned around and den said that he has feelings for me but more as a good friend. at this point i have to admit i wss gutted because i thougjt that what he wanted. i was grand with his decision after a few days and i tidhim i wanted to end the FWB and we were both happy with that but what i don’t understans and i know you have said that its hard admitting how u fee. ut try it on the following weekend n again las weekend when he only has feelings for me as a good friend! i want to move on from this but he isn’t makin it easy by playin game, my friends think that maybe he doesnt want to ruin our friendship by saying anything!
March 31st, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Hi Confused
You say “I thought that is what he wanted”.
Have you tried sitting down, alone together, and having a really good talk about it. I don’t mean an off the cuff ‘I’m gonna protect myself and my feelings’ conversation but a real lay it all out there chat. Don’t let him, or you, get away with one line answers … explore together what you both want from the friendship, what you can both accept and where you go from here. Tell him he is sending mixed signals and you would rather know his real feelings than try to offer what he thinks you want and say you will do the same.
It is only when we are totally open, honest and ask for what we want that we have any hope of succeeding in getting what we want.
You also have to decide what YOU want. What is important to you. If the friendship is more important then YOU stick to the just friends without benefits rule. If you want more then tell him what you want … you may not get the answer you are looking for but at least you will know where you stand. Take control of your side of the situation, accept that it will never be as it was before and make a clear decision on where you want it to go and how you will react if you don’t get what you want.
FWB relationships are very hard to maintain, particularly in your younger years and eventually one person usually gets hurt because they want more than the other can offer. So find out what he wants and what he can offer .. then you choose what you can accept.
March 31st, 2011 at 5:19 pm
i can see what your saying and you are right i need to know what i want i just want us to be friends because i feel that your right that if they. keeps happening one of. us is going to get hur and i know that’s the last thing either of us want because we both care a lot about each other! thanks sally for your advice it has helped me out a lot.
March 31st, 2011 at 6:08 pm
You are most welcome Confused. Please let me know how things go and remember new lovers can be found tomorrow but a real friend is something to cherish.
April 4th, 2011 at 7:13 am
What a great article! I don’t think “Friends with Benefits” is worth it because it can cause pain in the end.
I think it’s a good idea to wait for Miss Right/Mr Right come into your life.
I don’t think it’s wise to do it with someone you don’t know well because he or she might talk to anyone about it or give you a STD.
That’s my opinion.
April 5th, 2011 at 10:03 pm
umm i have gotten my self into a friends with benifits relation thing, and we havent done anything, all we have done is sent pictures hes sent picutres of his penis and stuff, all i have sent is pictures of me with cloths on, but the problem is that i got emoationally attached and i asked him out but he said no and i cryed myself to sleep that night. And we are still friends with benifits and im asking how do you tell the person that you dont want to be friends wtih benifits with them anymore, i dont know what to say or what to do and i have to see him all the time he is on my bus and in my grade and lives behind my house. I need help telling him that its over i dont want to do this anymore… please help!!! i need to know asap.
April 6th, 2011 at 11:25 pm
Hi Sara
Next time he sends you an email with a picture or sexy talk simply reply … “I didn’t download the picture you sent me as this situation is making me feel uncomfortable. I am happy to stay friends with you but I don’t want to be friends with benefits.”
Obviously he doesn’t want to go out with you so don’t allow yourself to be used. You have to take control of how people treat you, it can be a hard lesson to learn but people can only use you if you let them. Clearly you are not happy with the way the friendship is developing so you must tell him this, stop thinking about what he will think or feel and how he will react, do what is right for you.
April 8th, 2011 at 12:47 am
thank you soo much. now i feel alot better, but now im just afraid for the girl he likes they talk all the time, and i get jealous, is there a way to fix that too, how can i stop be jealous of other girls around him.
April 8th, 2011 at 10:55 pm
Hi Sara
That I’m afraid there is no magic wand for, it takes time and a change in mental attitude. Once you really understand he doesn’t want you and you make yourself ready to move on to look for someone who does want you, the jealousy will naturally go away.
Until that time simply walk away when you see him with someone else. If you are in a room full of people just walk to a different part of the room, out of eyeshot of him and find someone interesting to talk to. The feeling won’t just go away but you can take your mind off it by talking to someone else or doing something different.
April 8th, 2011 at 8:35 pm
hey im in a friends with benefits relationship with my best guy friend, we have had sex 2 times but when we were ‘dating’ i guess, but our rules are no sex, we do have oral (no sex was his idea becasue the second time we did it we didnt use protection and i didnt get my period so we were scared for like 2 months)anyway we are still young 18, we were in the same class since year 9 and now we finished school, we always had a thing but we were never boyfriend girlfriend, (he has said he loves me, we went to prom together he has never had a girlfriend except for 2moths when he was 14 i think, he has told me he wants to be with me and want me to be his girlfriend but that he doesnt know about relationships and is scared will screw it up) we have tried only “friends” but we end up kissing and never works.
so now we are FWB i liked him, and when it started out i was sure i could get him to fall inlove and yeah i was stupid, im over it now, for me atleast now its only to use eachother until we find someone better haha.
the thing is im getting mixed messages from him now like i know all his friends and he invited me to go out with his friends and when his friends asked if we were ‘together’ he asked me if i could say yes justbecause it was his friends birthday, then he said he wanted to come over to make brownies and cook with me, and the other day i said i couldnt cause i was going to go clothes shopping he said lets go on sunday together, he calls my home phone (ive lost my cel) and tells me to go msn, for the last week we talk everyday, he has told me alot abotu his life family and everything but that was when we were friends uswell, he doesnt know muchabout me tho, takes a lot for me to open up my feelings to people. If we are just FWB then why would he want to make brownies or shop with me, or take me to his friends birthday?!?! and i dont want to ask him beacuse i dont want it to look like i want somthing more or that im falling in love or somthing, maybe this is his part of the friend ship part and i guess we are bestfriends, so maybe im just reading too much into it.
what do u guys think *sorry if it was hard to understand im not too good at explaining haha
April 8th, 2011 at 11:01 pm
Hi Christy
It is normal in these situations to fear screwing up the friendship and mixed signals are normal too. It is neither a pure friendship nor a romantic relationship and yet at the same time it is both, so of course you both may feel fearful and confused at times.
Would you find it strange if any other friend (with whom you are not FWB) called your home to go on msn or wanted to go shopping together or shared information about their family or invited you out with their friends … my guess is no. So you are reading too much into this, as these are perfectly normal things for friends to do.
As you are both still young I suggest you relax and enjoy the friendship, the sexual side too as long as that is what you want. As time moves on either you will both feel right getting into a committed relationship or you will both move but still have the friendship.
April 9th, 2011 at 1:43 pm
Last night one of my guy friends told me he liked me but he didn’t want a serious relationship at the moment, so I agreed with him because I like him and I’m not sure about having a serious relationship at the moment due to my big exams coming up. So he suggested friends with benefits, but I’m unsure. What should I do? Also, he doesn’t want me to tell anyone else, why should that be?
April 9th, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Hi Asdfghjkl
Only you can decide what you should do. He has been honest enough to say he doesn’t want a relationship BEFORE anything happens, whereas many men wait until afterward to say so … well done to him for his honesty.
You have to consider what you want and what you can accept. Are you hoping that things could turn into a relationship in the future? If so FWB would be a bad idea for you, as this usually leads to disaster (you get hurt and often lose the friendship too). If you feel you could simply enjoy some private time with him and then forget about it the next day and continue the friendship without any strange feelings then that’s up to you.
Something to consider … would you have suggestd FWB if he had not suggested it? If you are unsure then I am guessing you would not have suggested it and therefore had not thought of getting into such a relationship. So weigh up what the benefits are for you and consider the downsides of perhaps losing a good friend if emotions get involved from one partner only.
He could have any one of a number of reasons for not wanting anyone to know, from simply not liking people to know his private business, to his already dating someone and not wanting them to find out or because he wants to use you but would be embarrassed if anyone found out.
April 14th, 2011 at 12:56 pm
I have been seeing this guy for a little over a month now that I met through a mutual friend. He is a bit older and I am in school.From the first night, we agreed we would be friends with benefits because he did not want a commitment. After the first night together, he messaged me online a few days later and it started off with casual friendly conversations. But, as time has gone on, we have seen each other about 6 more times since, I know that I have developed feelings for him and expressed those feeeling. He reiterated that he was not ready for a comittment but does care about me. He has also expressed that he has a similar arrangment with other older women. The thing I wonder though, is that though he says he does not want a commitment yet, he says little things about caring deeeply for me, goes out of his way to call me as often as possible (sometimes even 3 times a day), and sends me text messages that he misses me every other day. I figured he was just saying these things out of sexual need, but I have noticed that even when we are with each other he does not flirt with other girls in front of me as often and now puts his arm around me in public. However, he still makes it clear that he sees other women and even went as far as to spend the night at another woman’s house after having sex with me, I only know because I was in the car when our mutual friend dropped him off to her. What do I do, I can’t figure out his mixed signals, and now he is beginning to talk about the future and possibly having children with me.
April 14th, 2011 at 2:31 pm
Hi youngandconfused
I’m afraid you are not going to like my opinion. End this FWB relationship now.
He has told you he doesn’t want a relationship with you and you are aware he is jumping out of your bed into another womans bed before yours has time to cool down. This is what you must concentrate on.
The fact that he fantasises, when with you, about being in a loving and stable relationship, even having children with you is simply that .. fantasy. He is “in the moment” when he says these things and quite possibly even means then when he says them but they actually mean nothing in real terms.
Men who sleep around a lot often talk this way to women but he will be saying exactly the same things to the other women he is sleeping with. Please do not read anything into his comments or putting his arm round you in public, they are meaningless and do not indicate a future relationship is developing.
Stop yourself from being used and find a real guy who will care for you and you only.
April 14th, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Hi,
I was wondering if i could ask your advice as i am in a tricky situation.
I have liked this guy for a year or two now, and so far nothing has come of it, we are just good friends. But recently we have got alot closer, and we have been sexting, and last night he asked if i wanted to be his ‘friend with a benefit’, i sad yes. I jumped at the chance! But now I’m thinking that it might not be a good idea.
I’m worried that we’ll get with each other once or twice then we’ll drift apart and i dont want that to happen. I’m only in my teens, and i’m still a virgin, and for a long time i’ve wanted to lose my virginity to this guy, and now i’ve been given the oppertunity for this to happen. I want this more than anything, but i also want a relationship. Unfortunately I dont think he wants the same.
We set some terms about our situation: only every month, no-one knows, and he wants many bj’s. I don’t think he’s using me, cause he’s not that sort of guy, but never the less i’m worried and confused about what to do.
Please help! Any pointers about what to do, or how to act would be appreciated!
Thankyou
x
April 14th, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Hi Charlotte
OK let’s be honest with each other .. what you jumped at was the chance to be in a relationship, any kind of relationship, with this guy. You say you have wanted to lose your virginity to him for a long time, so ask youself, during those fantasies of getting together with him did you ever visualise a quick secret, friendly hump once a month, with lots of bj’s and then forget about it? Or did you, as I suspect, visualise a loving caring relationship with a future?
The fact that he has set out the term of many bj’s shows he is being totally selfish and not considering your feelings or needs. Ask yourself why nobody should know? Did he stipulate this or did you? Did you stipulate that you want lots of oral sex? I will bet you didn’t, because you are entering this with your emotions and he is entering it with his sexual needs.
I’m not saying he is a bad guy, he is probably really nice and a very good friend but men and women are different. Men live in the moment and will try to fulfil their needs in the easiest, least complicated way possible. This is why FWB relationships suit so many men but hurt so many women.
The fact that you have said you want a relationship spells disaster for a FWB relationship. You will simply get hurt. You will be waiting for him to fall in love with you and the odds are he never will in this situation. If he is getting everything he needs or wants from you without the complications of a committed relationship then why would he look to change the FWB relationship.
My pointer for how to act … to be honest I think you need to tell him you have changed your mind and want to wait for a real loving relationship before you get into a sexual relationship with anyone. You have to put yourself fiirst, you know what you want so please don’t make yourself a victim to a situation which is virtually guaranteed to hurt you in the end.
There is actually a higher chance of him deciding to get together with you in a real relationship if you refuse the FWB option than if you go ahead with it. People often want what they can’t have.
To help you consider what to do I want you to consider something. Fantasise that you and he have just had sex, you are lying in the arms of the guy you love and you say “I love you”. He freezes and says nothing for a while, then he explains that you are FWB and he doesn’t want a relationship with you. How would you feel? That is what you are signing up to if you go ahead with this.
April 14th, 2011 at 4:13 pm
Hi Sally,
Thakyou very much for your quick reply.
I really don’t want to be honest with myself because i know it means i won’t get what i want. But i think you’re right. I want a relationship with him, and a FWB situation isn’t going to give me that.
I must admit that many bj’s doesn’t appeal to me greatly, i have no problem with them, (infact i quite like them), but it’s not exactly what i wanted, never the less, i would give him them when he asked. I was the one who said no-one should know, because i thought it would be easier that way; people all ready think there is something going on between us, so if they found out about this it would probably cause friction between us. Another term he set was, ‘a hard bang’. I agreed to this, however i’m nervous about that as he doesn’t know i’m a virgin.
I think you’re right when you say a relationship wont happen if we get into a FWB situation, I’m just too scared to decline his offer, incase it’s the only chance I’ll ever have with him.
How would you advise I reject his offer after already accepting? Surely saying no will ruin any chance of a future relationship with him because he’ll think i dont like him, or dont want him?
I know I’m setting myself up to get hurt if i go through with this, but it could be the only chance i’ll have. I have been waiting so long for this, and i really love him, i dont want to regret rejecting his offer.
I still dont know what to do!!
xx
April 14th, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Hi Charlotte
What do you think is going to happen on this virginity losing night that will be worth the hurt you know you are walking into?
I’m sorry but a hard bang and lots of bj’s … it sounds more like a porn movie than two people who want to share something intimate and arousing. If he is unaware you are a virgin he will probably be expecting something highly erotic and from the sound of it something out of a porn movie (perhaps he’s spent a little too much time watching them and not enough time realising women in general do not like to be treated as porn stars) … do you think you can offer him that? I doubt it and this will lead to disappointment on his part and feelings of inadequacy on yours. That is not something I would like you to take into your future with you.
As far as the “only chance you will ever get with him” I’m sorry but you are selling yourself WAY too short. You want a relationship and he doesn’t .. it WILL end in tears, your tears and if you think the thrill of being with him for this special moment will reduce those tears them I’m sorry you are sadly mistaken. Once it is over he will reject your desire of a relationship, as he has already stated and you will feel used and your friendship will probably be over.
Accepting such an offer is not a legally binding agreement. Just tell him you have had a long think about the agreement and you’re sorry but have decided you are not comfortable with the situation. Tell him it is simply not what you want for your life at the moment and you are looking for something more long term. Trust me on this, if he is genuinely your friend and cares about you he will happily accept this (although he will probably suggest it again in the future but that’s just men for you lol) and he will respect you for your decision. If he gets angry or suggests you agreed so should go through with it he was never a real friend and was simply trying to use you.
You then have to realise that if you can’t have him on your terms then you shouldn’t have him at all. Setting yourself up for a world full of hurt is not a good way to begin your sex life, it will not make you feel special and it will not bring you closer to him.
Think about your favourite male pop or rock star .. would you have a hard bang and give a bj to him just so you could be that close to him for 10 minutes? Plenty of girls do, they are called groupies but is that what you want to be?
Sally x
April 14th, 2011 at 5:24 pm
Sally,
Thankyou so much for your advice. It all makes sense, i guess i’m just naïve. What you say is true, I won’t be able to satisfy him the way he wants, so it will leave us both with dissappointment. I’m blinded by the love i have for him, and so i’m seeing what i want to, and not being realistic.
I’ll wait till he says something to me about what we agreed last night, and then i’ll try and say how i feel. I really don’t want to lose his friendship, but in the same way i dont want him to lose respect for me if i go through with his FWB idea.
You’ve been so much help to me, and I really want to thank you. Sorry that I have pestered you today. I’ll let you know what happens between us.
Thankyou.
Kind regards, Charlotte xx
April 14th, 2011 at 6:22 pm
Hi Charlotte
Please never think you have pestered me, if I can stop you from making one of the mistakes I made in my life and save you from that pain then it’s my absolute pleasure to do so.
You were worried about what to say to him and yet you summed it up perfectly when you said “I really don’t want to lose his friendship, but in the same way i dont want him to lose respect for me if i go through with his FWB idea.”. Of course he will say he will continue to respect you but the fact is that very rarely happens in reality.
Please note in both of those (his friendship and his respect) you are concentrating on his needs … to win this internal battle you must concentrate on your own needs. It’s ok to be selfish sometimes and look out for number one.
Just remember who you are, what you want and stick to it … for YOU, not anyone else.
Best wishes
Sally x
April 18th, 2011 at 4:03 pm
Im in a bit of a messy situation myself!
i have known this guy my whole life, we have never been close but we would speak here and there. He got my number and had msged me on a few occasions to meet up i rejected him more then once but he kept comming back. About 6 months ago something came over me and i decided to see him. From then on we meet at least once a week and hook up. Its become a friends with benefits situation but i have never had sex with him. Im into him and i find myself texting him all the time. We talk, cuddle and mess around heaps but its a secret and no one knows about it because he is good friends with my family and them finding out would cause big problems. He confuses me because its always me texting him, he never msgs me first but he will never reject me either and when we see each other we have a great time and kick back for hours. Im just confused and he always relies on me to organise a catch up. I know he feels bad about going behind my families back coz he always mentions it. But i have no idea where this is going and if he even wants it or not? i dont have the courage to talk to him about it cause i dont want to scare him off im having so much fun with him and as bad as it might sound because its such a big secret it makes it so much more fun!!!
April 19th, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Hi Jenny
I’m curious as to whether there is a large age difference between you or is he married? Just trying to understand the family issue.
Secret assignations are exciting but as you say, where is it going? Any relationship that needs to be a secret is a problem in my book, because it almost never ends well.
Where are you hoping this will go?
April 20th, 2011 at 2:05 pm
hey Sally
Thank you for your response
no theres not much age difference and his defiantly not married. His best friends with my brother. My brother and i are very close, but his also protective of me. I believe if he finds out it could cause some heavy conflict.
I agree with you that if its a secret its a problem but seeing him has become a routine, like i said i have a great time with him and i dont want it to stop any time soon. Im really not sure where i want this to go, im just sort of going with the flow as its a pretty complicated situation. i hav no idea what his thinking or feeling i dont know if its just a little bit of fun for him just to pass his time. i dont want to confront him because it would be so awkward as we have never really discussed “us”
Im just trying to figure him out and im getting nothing but a headace!
April 20th, 2011 at 2:25 pm
Hi Jenny
Would you be ok with it if it turns out it is just a little bit of fun? If so just with the flow, it’s all about you and what you are comfortable/happy with.
Of course you can speak to him about this without doing the demanding where is it going thing. You use the words “confront him” and this is definately not the right approach.
Start by saying you are happy with the way things are and you don’t want it to stop, you’re just curious as to whether it’s a bit of fun for him or if it’s going some place. As long as you keep it as a conversation between friends (ie the same way you would speak to a girl friend about buying shoes) then there’s no reason for him to get scared or be offended by your enquiry.
I would caution you though that he is not going to be in your life forever but your family will be, so weigh up the problems this could cause in your family before continuing with the relationship … is it really worth it for some fun which you could have with countless other people.
April 21st, 2011 at 4:52 pm
I guess it would be ok with me, I’m just worried that I might get attached to him and then end up disapointed and heart broken
I think that approaching him that way could work I never really thought about it like that I just automatically thought it would scare him off..
I guess I will take it slowly, the whole family issue is what I think is making him back off so much, I should properly leave it in his hands and not organise the catch ups, and whatever happens from there.
Thanku so much for responding, you have given me great advice and made me look atthe situation from a different point of view
April 21st, 2011 at 5:32 pm
You are welcome Jenny
Just remember this isn’t all about what he wants but about what you want too.
You need to know where it’s going so you can decide if you can handle any furutre rejection on an emotional level, if not then you need to get out of it now.
Good idea to let him do the chasing but when you do catch up just casually ask him what he feels is going on between you.
Good luck.
May 2nd, 2011 at 12:03 am
I have been sleeping with a work colleague for a few months now, pretty much every weekend. We both agreed at the start that it was just a “friends with benefits” thing, there are a few of us from work that are really close and he is in that group, we are always going out on nights out and spend a lot of time together, but recently he’s been acting strange around me. When in bed he’s really passionate and is always hugging and kissing me, stroking my face and staring into my eyes, I do like him but really don’t know if I want a relationship. He hasn’t said anything but will always make the effort to pop into my office when he has no reason to, and text/call me asking to go for lunch or a coffee after work, Also when we go out with work he always makes a point of sitting next to me and directs all his attention towards me. Everyone in our work group knows the situation and they think he wants more but he hasn’t said anything to them either. Does he like me or am I looking too much into this? We have both been single for over a year but both have had messy break-ups. Also I am 24 and he is 35 and I think the age gap bothers him a little. Any help would be appreciated as i’m one confused lady right now
May 4th, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Hi Cupcake
It’s impossible to say what another person is thinking or feeling, particularly if you haven’t met them.
If he is now looking for more then his concerns about an age gap may be stopping him from voicing his feelings. Alternatively he may be simply enjoying the benefits of your friendship, without the hassle of a relationship. However if you have noticed a difference in his behaviour then this suggests his feelings may be changing toward you. It’s very difficult to be that intimate with someone on a long term basis and not develop feelings for them.
I think you need to talk to him and there are a couple of ways you can approach this without giving him the third degree. First you need to know what you want .. is a relationship a possibility or are you definately not ready? This will be important to know so you can react appropriately when you speak to him.
Before you have the talk with him mention a couple of times in passing that you feel the age gap is just right (if indeed you think it is), as this will aleviate any of his fears when you do open the topic.
You can either sit down over dinner and ask him if FWB is still the game plan or if he feels are moving on from there? Alternatively make a joke of it, when he strokes your face and stares into your eyes say “oh you’ve gone all mushy .. are you falling in love with me?”. By doing this in a joking fashion it gives him the opportunity to switch off and simply say no, I just like stroking you or he can say yes and the conversation will begin there.
As I say the first thing to do is work out what you want.
Hope this helps.
Sally
May 4th, 2011 at 9:05 pm
hey sally, thanks for the advice. I know I need to talk to him about it but it’s going to be tough, if he does have those feelings I don’t want to hurt him and if he doesn’t i don’t want to look like an idiot for thinking it. He’s lovely but the baggage he has is too much I think for me right now, maybe another time/place he would be perfect.
Will try and have a conversation about it soon with him, before we meet up again, hope i’m looking too much into it
Thanks again
May 4th, 2011 at 9:50 pm
Hi Cupcake
Just make a joke of it and see how he reacts, that way you can’t look like an idiot
May 4th, 2011 at 2:04 pm
I have a son in a FWB relationship and not knowing anything about this type of friendship your site has been very helpful to me. It has confirmed my perception that someone usually does get hurt KS
May 4th, 2011 at 3:40 pm
Hello,
Im in a difficult situation myself. I dated this girl several years ago, like 12-15 years. Ive stayed friends with her and her family, its like im part of it. Her older sister & me been hanging out recently, we always have a good time. A couple of weeks ago she asked me if I wanted to have sex, just sex. I agreed. Went over and we had amazing sex. She told me since the beginning that if was just sex, nothing more. The morning after she felt bad cause of me dating her little sister years ago, but we didnt even had sex at the time. It happened again, and she kept feeling guilty and told me it was wrong, but kept happening, like 3-4 times, every time being amazing! This past sunday was the last time. Monday morning she sent me a text that said it sex with me was wonderful, but it was wrong, cant happen again. That i needed to be searching for the girl of my dreams and that she needed to get her s*** together, I told her I understood and respected her decision. She hopes things wont get weird, but Im afraid its invevitable. I havent talked to her since. Now im going crazy, i miss the sex, but im also afraid to lose our friendship. I do care about her, I was starting to develop feelings for her, but never told her. Dont know what’s gonna happen. its making me crazy…
May 4th, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Hi Goin crazy
Is her only problem that you dated her little sister years ago, is that why she feels it is wrong or is there more to the story? Are you perhaps much younger than she is or is she married?
Dating someone 12-15 years ago is such ancient history, there should be no problem with it. I assume the little sister has dated other men since you? If so she has moved on so it’s time you and the big sister do too. If this can go anywhere just make sure the little sister is the first to find out and she doesn’t hear it from someone else but I bet she would be fine with it .. if not she is being unreasonable.
If there is more to it, like a large age gap .. so what, all the best women have younger men in their lives (myself included lol). However if she is married then I agree with her, it’s wrong and must stop I’m afraid, there is only pain down that road.
I think you have to take a deep breath and text her or talk to her about the feelings you have for her (as long as she’s not married of course). If the only problem is the little sister then talk with her and explain it’s ancient history, everyone is a grown up and have all moved on since then.
Best of luck with it.