Dealing with irrational jealousy can be a destructive process, particularly in a newly formed relationship. Jealousy is a natural human emotion and one we often cannot control.
A debate regarding this subject is currently going on in my sites forum about the difference between healthy and unhealthy levels of jealousy. Jealousy is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason.
A certain degree of jealousy from our partner can be flattering, it shows they care about us but when it gets out of control without good reason it can be very self destructive and may well end your relationship completely.
Can we control our feelings of jealousy and can we even recognise when those feelings are out of control? Like the drunk that ‘must’ drink but refuses to admit to themselves that they have a problem, are chronically jealous people unable to recognise that their behaviour is destructive?
I would like to share an excellent example of how jealousy can destroy not only a relationship but also how it can effect your partners self esteem, my thanks to Jan for her permission to publish her comments.
“Sometimes a persons own insecurities and how they feel about themselves causes them to feel negative emotions – ie if a person genuinely feels ugly, no amount of compliments about how they look will change their perception of themselves; this can be to a greater or lesser degree … ie a teenager may feel fat – no matter how much friends or relatives reassure the teenager – they eat less and less … they constantly look in the mirror and see a fat person looking back at them; this becomes an illness … an obsessive eating disorder. At this extreme – the individual involved cannot be helped by friendly reassurance or ‘positive’ feedback from people close to them.
The same applies to many areas of a persons psychological make-up – a person who finds it impossible to feel good about themselves can find it equally impossible to believe that they are worthy of love; this may be a mild insecurity that does indeed respond to reassurance … or it can be a deeper insecurity that will be a great burden to them and will manifest itself in a number of ways – jealousy – possessiveness – depression – and will have a detrimental effect on the relationship they are in… their partner, after continually trying to reassure them, and finding no improvement – will start to retreat. Being the partner of someone who does not trust you and watches your every move and needs constant boosting of their ego becomes very wearing and stretches ones patience to its limits. A ‘High maintainence’ relationship like this soon loses it appeal. In a normal, healthy relationship, the mutual reasurances and positive input strengthen the bond between the couple.
However, if one or both of the people involved are suffering from deeper emotional insecurities it is not so simple and the more they reassure each other, the more reassurance is needed … it becomes a destructive relationship.
For example — Tim does not feel good about himself (for whatever reason) and he drinks a lot to help boost his confidence; his partner, Jane, is an attractive lady, confident, hardworking and popular. She thinks the world of Tim and has eyes only for him. He, however, because of his feelings of low self esteem, finds it difficult to accept that someone like Jane truly loves him. He is suspicious of her every move – he gets angry if she speaks to anyone of the opposite sex, he rings her 6 times a day … he over reacts if she is late in from work … Jane wants him to be happy; she repeatedly tells him how much she loves him. She starts to avoid any conversations with men in the pub or out socially. She finds herself looking at the floor in order to avoid being accused of ‘looking at a man’ – She starts to ring Tim as soon as she sets of from work to put his mind at rest … she is feeling the strain of his constant interrogation of her but because she loves him she puts every effort into keeping the peace. However, she starts to feel insulted at his lack of trust in her …. she has never done anything to warrant this constant attack on her faithfulness to Tim … he starts to make her feel that she must be some sort of slut … does she really give Tim the impression that she is ‘up for it’ and is not to be trusted? She finds her self esteem is slowly depleting … she feels anxious about what she wears (is she dressing like a tart?’ )…. anxious about wearing make-up ‘Is she courting male attention?’ and before she knows it, she is in a relationship where she feels every day she is walking on eggshells trying to keep Tim from getting angry. She has stopped going out with friends (Tim interrogates her upon her return) … she has stopped enjoying socialising with Tim (as soon as he has had a few drinks he starts being unpleasant and accuses her of flirting or ‘eyeing up’ some bloke in the pub )…
Jane is half the person she used to be … despite all the effort she put into the relationship, despite all her reassurances, the love, the tenderness… Tim has become worse. Jane now has low self esteem … she feels unworthy of being loved …”
Jealousy in a relationship is more often than not about your own self esteem, not about the actions of your loved one. However they are your loved one, why would you want someone you love to feel bad about themselves, why would you want to be the cause of their low self esteem. Of course you wouldn’t and if you could control your jealousy you would see the effect it is having on someone you love.
If you have a jealousy problem the first step is to admit that your jealousy is a personal issue and something that is both destructive to you and your partner. For help on recognising and dealing with jealousy please check out the links below, they may just save your relationship.
Truth About Deception offers advice about recognising and dealing with your jealous feelings.
It is not only ladies that check mobile phones, go through pockets and throw a fit the moment their partner glances at someone from the opposite sex. Askmen.com has an excellent article offering Top 10: Ways to deal with jealousy it is worth a read if you have a problem keeping your jealousy under control.
Jealousy can get out of control, so if you are aware that you are acting in an unhealthy jealous way but feel unable to control it yourself then please visit your doctor and ask to be referred to a psychologist. That doesn’t mean you are weak, mad or a bad person, it simply means you have an emotion that you are finding hard to deal with. Imagine how good your self esteem, life and relationship could be if you could rid yourself of your irrational jealousy.
If you are in a relationship with a jealous partner and are not behaving in a way that should result in jealousy then try to talk to them, read about jealousy and what causes that level of jealousy to emerge. Urge your partner to seek help for the sake of you both, whether that is through a self help programme or a professional. However do not allow their irrational emotion to cause your self esteem to falter, this is a ‘them’ issue and no amount of trying to change on your part is going to stop their need for constant reassurance or feelings of jealousy.
February 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Hello! Ok so I’m at Wal Mart with my boyfriend, of nearly two years, and the female cashier starts flirting with him, in front of me, and he is friendly back to her. He used her name while they were chit chatting. I got P*SSED simply because I’m standing RIGHT THERE and this bitch is going to feel free to flirt with my boyfriend. And in being friendly, he gives her the satisfaction of a response that, in my mind, would lead her to believe that “Oh, I can flirt with her man right in front of her, and she ain’t going to say anything. Not only that, but he’s going to flirt back! I must be hot. I could have her man if I wanted.” They talked like they were old friends! I asked who she was in the parking lot and he said…”I don’t know.” I said, “well you used her name???” he said “yeah I looked at her nametag.” I got infuriated because the thought kept running through my mind…(see quotations above). When we got in the car I was cussin’ her and irate. Well, my boyfriend and I WERE going to go to his place and watch a movie and waste some time together but the 5 minute drive from Wal Mart to the apartment ended in him telling me he didn’t want to deal with me, didn’t want to hear my sh*t, and telling me to go home. All I would’ve needed was a few moments to cool off but he was pestering me, “Are you done being a bitch now?” Then when I got home I had a voicemail from him telling me “F*** you…” blah blah “f*** off.” Quite frankly, I didn’t direct any of my anger toward him in the car earlier. I was bitchin’ about the fat hoe bag at the register. But he proceeds to try and punish me for my fit by being just as mean as he can. And he admitted this. “I’m trying to p*ss you off ’cause you p*ssed ME off and now I’M in a bad mood,” he said. Stop right there buddy – you are 6 years older than me. Here’s an idea, act like an adult, right? I’m the younger one, I’m still learning to deal with myself. My fit wasn’t about ‘oh no my man’s going to run off with a fat hoe,’ it was more about ‘oh hell no, this bitch thinks she can put herself out there for my man…while I’m standing next to him.’ So, I don’t need him putting me down like that. He called me three times on my way home, all three times saying things that he knew would upset me, that being his goal. So I said “Quit callin me then! You are just makin both of us more angry!!” And he said “ok I’ll quit talking to you.” and hung up. Just FYI he’s 25, bipolar, no meds. I’m 20, a work in progress, only getting better every day with my own internal issues. I’m fully aware of them, and only getting better at controling them. There are some emotions that still get in my way. I try to avoid situations that stir up these emotions. But a bitch at the supermarket got me all out of whack. And…I’ve heard…you should never underestimate a woman’s intuition about another woman…
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Hi Whitney, thanks for dropping by and telling us your story.
I think you need to ask yourself what your man actually did wrong. You say “I didn’t direct any of my anger toward him in the car earlier” but while you may think your anger was directed at the cashier in the supermarket it was actually your boyfriend that took the brunt of your feelings and naturally he reacted badly to this.
The fact that he is living with a difficult illness and is still able to be chatty and friendly towards strangers should be a good sign for you but you eed to learn to move the focus from your man and on to you when you are feeling jealous.
I would suggest that if you are in the same situation again instead of getting angry just direct the cashiers attention away from your man and on to you, by talking to her yourself. Some women will see us as invisible and just merrily flirt with our men but once we move the focus and let them know we are standing there and will defend our territory (being pleasant not nasty) they will usually back off and get on with their work.
That way you save all the fighting in the car and the nasty telephone calls that follow.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:42 am
I think its always better to talk it out with your partnet if something called the green J keeps hitting you. At some point in time, gals need to take a break and chillax about the fact that guys are made this way by nature..so little can we do about it.
Its best to reassure yourself that your guy loves you and you love him too.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Hi Mansi, perhaps men should also accept that women are made to be jealous and should act in a way that doesn’t cause her to feel jealousy? A woman can only reassure herself that her man loves her if he shows that .. then dealing with jealousy is much easier. All relationships take effort from both partners.
June 9th, 2009 at 2:18 am
Hello
im always paranoid because my boyfriend is vey sneaky ive only ever been through his phone once and i found a text he had sent to some other girl, and on the end he sed love ya, and i was soo p*ssed off!,i text her of his fone and started conversation and when she txt back she was only writing as a friend but he was tryin 2 write as more, so i just told her im his girlfriend, an i confrunted him and he just said sorry i wont do it again, and i havnt ever checked his phone again because im to scared to incase i find anything even pictures of models and stuff i feel put down!:( and he always reads through my phone, he also started liking this girl a few years younger than me and i found out that he had tried getting her number behind my back and when i seen him i looked really upset n he was like are you ok an i just ignored him an i ended up gettin so angryy i just shouted f*ck off! to him an he was bein nasty back an sed sound f*ck you, and i was cryingg but then we ended up sorting things out but 3 months later he finished me and he was being so nasty to me and i new it was to get with that girl but i asked her questions because she was kind of a mate to me an she said she didnt even like him, and we did get back tgether after 2weeks i know i shouldnt of but everyone deserves a 2nd chance, and then he changed alot and he was all of a sudden in love again with me, an we have become so close now were like best friends, i am with him everyday an he stays alot at mine, but when he doesnt hes on his computer and so am i and i wonder who hes talking to on msn or something because theres a website called bebo, and after he had left mine one night he had been on my laptop and i seen links what he had been on, so i clicked them an they were pics of girls that i know and i confrunted him again because i get so angry and take it all out on him asking y n he jus says im sorry i wont do i again but i really think he does love me an he just thinks theyre fit but i hate the fact that i know them an they r like younger girls but i finish him all the time now if anything happens and he cries and never leaves me alone until i get back with him :S, but he always makes me to be the obne whos in the wrong when im not. and today i even got in a random mood because i seen him looking at someone else and its so annoyinn!
June 11th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Hi Rachel, I’m going to be cruel to be kind and hope you take my advice … you’ll thank me in years to come.
This isn’t a simple case of your jealousy getting in the way of your relationship. A second chance is one thing but you may as well just stick a fork into your leg every day, as you are already allowing yourself to be a victim.
Abusers (men that hit women) will always say they are sorry after they hit, they will promise not to do it again …. of course they always do. Your relationship may not be abusive but you are falling for the same lines abuse victims fall for .. time and time again.
When your man comes to your home and uses your computer to look at girls (particularly your friends) there is something seriously wrong with your relationship and your man. It is totally disrespectful and shows he just doesn’t care about you at all, because he knows whatever he does he can talk you into taking him back.
You are just someone to spend time with while he finds other people to date. Stop allowing him to use you.
The only way he can talk you into taking him back is if you answer the phone/door/emails … STOP doing it. Cut him out of your life totally, it’s not easy but you have to have some self respect and find a decent guy … which you will never do with Romeo sniffing around your door.
The fact that you feel put down by seeing pictures of models on his phone suggests he is using your low self esteem to use you and make you feel guilty for his wrong actions. It is probably his actions which is causeing your low self esteem … ditch his ass and mean it.
Of course he will try to contact you, to say sorry, to promise never to do it again …. HE’S LYING!!!
Go get a new man, hell get a cat or a goldfish rather than put up with that. YOU are worth so much more than your man is offering.