Are you afraid of relationships or falling in love? Have past experiences hurt you to the point that relationships and love scare you?
If so you are certainly not alone. As we get older fear can stop us entering a new relationship because experience tells us it ends badly and we get hurt.
Pain is not something many of us volunteer for, either physical or emotional but in the same way a fear of flying can stop us travelling and enjoying holidays, a fear of emotional pain can stop us enjoying all that relationships and love have to offer.
It can become a phobia, standing on the precipice afraid to look down, all our limbs rigid with the fear of letting go .. so we choose the safe option and step back to our comfort zone of opting for just friendship.
You can tell yourself that you are happier in your safe little bubble but isn’t that how agoraphobia starts? You are not keeping yourself safe but shutting yourself off.
Some people can be quite happy single but many people just find ways to replace the human affection they miss. Getting a pet for hugs, joining a club so they have someone to chat to or leaving the television on even when they are not watching it, just for the company.
To deny yourself love is to deny being human and can lead to many safe but lonely years. What people are afraid of is not love or relationships but of losing it.
Whether you have lost your partner through death, betrayal or they simply stopped loving you, the hurt can be too much for some people and they would rather avoid a repeat performance. Check out these 5 tips for dating after divorce to help you prepare for getting back in the dating game.
Another problem after a long term relationship is you lose the ‘dating’ habit and tend to talk, think and act like one half of a relationship. This can be quite offputting both for the person you are dating and yourself, as dating seems less light hearted and fun.
It may be that you meet someone really special, someone you could easily fall in love with but the fear makes you keep them at arms length, suggesting ‘just friends’ would be better.
This really is not the answer because at some point you are going to need to get back in the game and then you will think back on those lost chances.
You may avoid the hurt that may or may not come but you will definately miss all the good times that come with falling in love and being in a relationship. So why give up a definate because a maybe might one day happen?
If your ‘friend’ starts dating someone you then have to deal with those emotions, perhaps jealousy or loneliness will become a problem for you.
I am not suggesting that the first opportunity that comes along you jump in with both feet, a blindfold on and hope for the best but at some point you are going to need to open up and let someone in .. just a little.
Friends is a good way to start and it is better to let the person know you have feelings for them but are afraid to take it further. This way if they also have feelings for you they are less likely to start dating someone else until you feel confident enough to go that one step further.
Don’t take it too slowly though or they may get bored and look elsewhere, keep them updated with your emotional progress so they know you are trying.
Remember, dating someone is not a proposal of marriage or a lifetime commitment, it’s just two people having fun and getting to know each other, so there is no need to be afraid of relationships or love.
February 27th, 2010 at 5:52 am
A lot of people that have had failed relationships have this exact problem. They are afraid to fall in love or get into a committed relationship.
Thank You for sharing this.
Jeanette
March 12th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
I agree with you Jeanette. When one have a failed relationship, they think the next one that their going to be dating will be the same as the first one. They think it’s a traumatic experience.
September 2nd, 2010 at 6:20 am
don’t give up & don’t be afraid to keep looking mate.
September 16th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
I am afraid to be in another relationship again soon because I was lied to the last time and it was almost too late to get out of that relationship. It was my fault falling too easily without doig a heavy check-up on that person. It’s not so smart of me. However, I’ve learned so much from this and I am trying to work out on my confidence in talking, getting to know more people without worrying too much about romantic involvement, I am still very afraid of being lied to (yes, there are con artists out there) and cheated on. Love blinds everything, even though the obvious cheaters/liars.
September 20th, 2010 at 9:12 am
Hi Kay
Yes it is difficult to trust again but please remember that each new relationship should not be judged by the last, that is simply not fair. Take your time getting to know someone and remember the experiences you gained from the last relationship and you will be ok.
January 10th, 2011 at 12:59 pm
I have had 6 serious relationships for longer than 6 months each. Each one ended in a no-fun break-up with resentment and negative exchanges. Being male, I stepped out of dating for a long time thinking its not worth the chaos but at the same time hoping a compatible relationship would come along. Nothing came along. I found alternative ways to keep busy, challenge my career and develop new hobbies. Now in my mid-50s, I have given up any hope and date for sex only and maybe some fun or companionship if it happens. I try to keep a positive attitude, but my past experience is daunting enough that I regard long term relationshipa and marriage as high risk and volatile. Any suggestions?
January 11th, 2011 at 10:52 am
Hi Joe
Gosh what a time you have had with relationships. The first year of a marriage or serious relationship is always the hardest, as two distinct personalities try to jostle for position and when we find out our partners aren’t the perfect being we anticipated … if relationships repeatedly fail within the first year then we have to consider whether we are choosing the wrong type of people.
I think you need to examine your past relationships and see if there is a common denominator in why they failed … are you doing something to cause the same result in each relationship? Also look at the type of women you have dated, are they similar in personality … are you perhaps choosing women with whom relationships are doomed to fail?
If it’s been a long time since you have dated then you need to let go of the past before it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and try again. Look for a lady who is not high maintenance, someone relaxed and patient, perhaps even someone you wouldn’t normally consider dating (if you tend to stick to “a type”) … then make sure you are also relaxed and patient. Take it one step at a time, explain your fear of another failed relationship, without going into great detail about past loves.
Love generally only turns up in the middle of a supermarket in the movies … for the rest of us we need to look for it and be open to it when we find it.
January 17th, 2011 at 4:42 am
There’s a girl I’m interested in, and she also showed some interest in me, but she is afraid to get involved with anyone. I don’t know much about her relationship background, but she hasn’t been in many relationships.
She wanted to know more about me, so I made the unfortunate mistake of telling her WAY too much too early on, and that has scared her off more. I still see her at least three days a week, but she’s really trying to keep me at arms length. I don’t want to push her too much and make the situation worse, but I am still very much interested in her, don’t want her to slip away, and have trouble not showing interest in her. Any advice???
January 17th, 2011 at 7:42 am
You need to regain her trust and confidence. Since you see her at least 3 times a week, be ready to help her out without expecting anything in return and leave it at that, like a friend. The passing of time will help too, but don’t ignore her, when your eyes meet just smile and keep going. The fact that she’s keeping you at an arm’s length shows you may still be pushing too hard to show your sincerity or offer reasons for telling too much too early. Your spontaneous help or support when she is in a tight spot at school or having a hard time at work will be proof enough to reconnect with her later on……
January 17th, 2011 at 11:20 am
Hi Andrew and Joe
I couldn’t have put that better myself Joe. She is scared to commit so give her space, let her be the one to decide the pace.
As you see her so often but don’t know her relationship background this suggests she is not a long time close friend you have come to be attracted to … even more reason top back off and don’t crowd her. If she is interested in you then she will notice you are cooling off and unless she is very shy she will begin to make moves in your direction …. if this is successful just remember not to ruin it and propose the moment she flirts with you.
January 17th, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Thanks for the advice Joe and Sally. I’m actually planning to help her with some car maintance (assuming she will allow it). Her front two tires need to be rotated and she’s due for an oil change. I’ll see her Tuesday, weather permitting, and I thought I would go ahead and show up with an oil pan, four quarts of oil, and an oil filter. I sent her an email asking about her truck, which was probably a bad move and I doubt she’ll respond, but I know enough about her truck that I can get the right oil filter anyway.
I did give her some space after the incident of telling her too much. I took a couple weeks off, and when there was something I wanted to say or talk to her about I wrote it in undelivered letters so that I could get those thoughts and feelings out without putting any added pressure on her. I may give her those letters someday, but not anytime soon. I’m a passionate person, what many call a “hopeless romantic”, but I’m trying to find the balance between cooling my jets and still showing some interest.
January 17th, 2011 at 3:42 pm
Hi Andrew
I’m trying to think from her perspective. You say you don’t know her relationship history, so let’s imagine she has been in bad relationships with over controlling men, then how will it seem to her if you just turn up ready to fix her truck? Doesn’t it suggest big strong controlling man come to help out woman who can’t cope by herself and needs a man to control her life????
If she was your girlfriend or a close friend I would say it’s a lovely gesture and I wish my husband was so mechanically minded but arriving to fix her truck without her even accepting the offer seems a little in your face to me.
Sending an email asking about her truck and offering to fix/service it was the right thing to do but the ball is now in her court, if she accepts then great, go ahead but if she doesn’t respond then she is sending you a clear signal.
Life as a hopeless romantic can be very difficult and the unposted letters are a brilliant idea, they allow you to release your emotions without frightening her with them. I would rethink the truck fixing and perhaps just send an sms or email a couple of days before just saying “not sure if you’ve forgotten my offer but will be about on Tuesday and am happy to see to your truck if you want … just drop me an email so I have time to get the filters”. There is no pressure in that email and it’s just a friendly gesture, again leaving the ball in her court.
January 17th, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Good call Sally. Someone else offered me the same advice earlier this afternoon. I actually already have the oil filter for her truck, but sent her an email to let her know that there’s no pressure, I don’t expect anything from her, and that I would extend that same offer to the other people we work with.
I also let her know that I am going to remove her email address from my contact list because I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, and that she could take me off her mailing list if that would help. If I have any work related questions I can get the site supervisor’s contact information and direct those to his attention. I’m going to try to lay low and let things settle. Clearly I am well overdue for writing another letter that she won’t receive so I’m not making the situation any worse. Difficult lessons and behaviors for me to learn.
I certainly don’t want to give her the impression that I am controlling, and in fact I am far from it. I just saw a need that I thought I could help her with and save her money. It was a nice thought, and in my mind it seemed like a good idea, but you are absolutely right that it could come across the wrong way. *sigh* Apparently I am just really bad at this sort of thing…and somehow I keep finding myself attracted to girls who fear relationships/commitment.
Thanks again for taking the time to read my posts and offering me helpful advice. Getting some perspective from other people definitely helps! I’m glad I found this website/forum. Good thing I have you guys to coach me through this so I don’t screw it up any worse than I already have.
January 17th, 2011 at 9:20 pm
Hi Andrew
Hmmm I hope you didn’t make the email issue sound petulant??!! If it has got to the stage when you don’t feel you can even send her work emails then something is not right … unless you admitted you have killed your last 4 girlfriends. Unless something has happened to make you think she doesn’t want you to contact her at work then perhaps you are now reading too much into this situation? It’s difficult to judge without hearing the whole story.
I’m pleased to hear you have someone to talk to who can give you advise but we are here if you ever need us and you can always use the Ask a Dating Question link at the top of this blog and contact me personally if you want to run anything past me.
Best of luck with the situation and maybe it’s time to think about why you are attracted to girls who fear commitment … is it perhaps their independent streak you admire? If so you need to start thinking longer term, you can chase girls you can’t have for the rest of your life or you can look for someone who will appreciate your willingness to commit to a meaningful relationship … don’t sell yourself short Andrew.
January 22nd, 2011 at 2:57 pm
Sally, This letter is in reference to your Jan. 11, 2011 suggestions. I have reviewed the reasons for failure and personality types of my past relationships. With the first, the reason for failure was my own…. lesson learned. For the second, third, fourth and fifth however there was no single reason to blame either party, but when hard times came along, they found it easier to latch on to another guy rather than stick it out with me, get some help and work it out. Later down the road when a possible reunion appeared there were too many complications or developments to make it seem appealing any more. Two social and 3 conventional personality types compared to my artistic investigative blend make me think that a common match would be the best there. Coupled with life values matching, prenuptial agreement, smell test, and extensive travel just to meet for a few dates often makes me feel overwhelmed. Even though I’m still in hot pursuit, do you think mentioning my fear of committment due to past failures would defuse the situation enough to make it seem doable with a positive outcome? If so how would I proceed from there?
January 23rd, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Hi Joe
This … “Coupled with life values matching, prenuptial agreement, smell test, and extensive travel just to meet for a few dates often makes me feel overwhelmed.” … wouldn’t make me feel overwhelmed … it would make me feel as though I had gone for a job interview to become an astronaut.
Much will depend on the age and situation of the women you are dating. Depending on whether they are in their 20′s, 30′s, 40′s or 50′s would dictate their reaction to casual dating and long term committment.
Quite frankly I think if you mention your fear of committment too early many women, no matter what their age, will view you as “just after one thing”. Better to simply keep a casual attitude and if the lady starts to drop those little committment hints then simply say you are enjoying the relationship so far, are not seeing other women but you want to take your time getting to know her properly and don’t want to make a long term committment until you are ready.
If you are seeing other women (ie it’s still at the very early let’s go on a few dates stage) then simply don’t get drawn into the commitment conversation and start to consider if her lack of confidence is something you can cope with long term.
It’s good that you have thought about past relationships and have dated women of differing personality types, it means you are not simply repeating the same mistake over and over. You have also recognised that you are an artistic, investigative personality type but have not yet dated someone with the same type of personality. There are no guarantees in relationships but a long term relationship requires more than a physical attraction, it also requires common interests and an ability to understand each other on a deeper level.
I would suggest you focus more on dating women of an artistic nature, people with common interests. Again there are no guarantees but if you share an interest you can both enjoy each others company without the constant “where is this going” feeling in the back of your/her mind. You may then find that you are not actually afraid of commitment, you have simply been dating the wrong personality types.
June 5th, 2011 at 1:27 pm
ur a doosch
April 3rd, 2011 at 7:18 am
I am seeing a man at the moment, when we are together everything is amazing. We have been talking for about a month and now we have been intimate I feel as though he is getting scared. He wants to take the relationship slowly! He said his kids were hurt from the last couple of breakups and he can’t afford for that to happen again. I am worried he will withdraw from this relationship that has been so great through fear because of his failed relationships. I am trying to be patient but it is hard when I sense he is always holding back how he feels. I am prepared to go slow, but at the same time I am scared he may be playing games with me.
April 3rd, 2011 at 10:35 pm
Hi Lisa
That is a difficult situation, because it tends to make us clingy and insecure so our behaviour makes the situation worse, even though we think we are taking it slowly.
We can never know what another person thinks or feels, therefore if they are playing games. All we can do is decide what we want, what we are prepared to accept and at what point we want to draw the line.
Cliches are generally overused but the one about “if you love them let them go, if they come back to you they are yours forever and if they don’t they were never yours in the first place” is actually quite true. In your situation I would be concentrating on my social life, going out with friends and not concentrating on the relationship. Yes it’s easier said than done but it will give him the space he needs and if it turns out he is playing games it will be so much easier to move on.
Previous relationships which end badly can leave us jaded and afraid to get back into a new relationship but you need to remind him it is unfair to judge you by someone elses deeds. However you need to respect his boundaries and give him real space, rather than constantly seeking reassurance (if indeed you are doing that). But decide where your limit is and stick to it. If you decide you need to see him once a week and he decides that is not possible then you have to decide to move on .. relationships are about what both partners want and need, not just about keeping someone happy so they don’t leave you.
June 5th, 2011 at 1:26 pm
he could truly be hurting from the past & a month isnt a very long time especially considering children, maybe make sur u give him enough space to work himself out & if u give him a time limit dont get colder and colder towards him as time runs low wait till time is up,
good luck
April 17th, 2011 at 12:16 am
Getting do know someone is so important to forming a strong relationship, I want to say that taking it slow is a great idea! Get to know them, Then rely, then trust then commit then escalate with touching.
June 5th, 2011 at 1:18 pm
through a friend i met a guy (im a girl) who i started dating we were both highly sexual & had common interests after living together for roughly 3 years it became apparent he was gay with at least 1 of his other mates, since then i have avoided most interactions with men and when i hav meet guys that seem nice enough to get to know better- the stories i have only get worse. im pushing the ones that matter to mne away because i have sworn to myself to not be as trusting as i hav in the past & not to let anything like it happen again. i hav left myself no good option like this .. & wouldnt know how to change if u paid me!
June 7th, 2011 at 6:13 pm
Hi Sara
I can understand why you are reluctant to enter another serious relationship but just because one partner is not honest with you does it necessarily follow all others will be less than honest too?
It is difficult to take a chance and trust again but it can be well worth it if you take your time and choose the right guy. We can never really know if a partner if being honest with us, as we can’t read minds, but what are the chances of choosing another guy who is bisexual and not honest about it?
June 24th, 2011 at 5:03 pm
I’ve never had a real serious boyfriend. Last year, this new guy started at my work. I had developed a crush on him, but soon after he had a girlfriend. I let it go because i never talked to him. Two weeks ago, we started talking, and we’ve been talking nonstop ever since. He told me that he thinks i’m the perfect girl for him, and he is the greatest guy i know. He’s not a player, and he really cares for the girls he dates. We went out on a date and it was really good. We hung out for 3 1/2 hours, and it went by so fast. Recently, i have developed a fear. All of a sudden my happiness turned into me being scared. Usually when i get close to a guy and start to really like them, i run because i make myself believe it’s easier to be single. But then, when i’m single, i find myself wishing i had a boyfriend. I need help!
July 1st, 2011 at 4:37 pm
Hi Kerry
If you’ve never had a serious boyfriend then why do you think you are scared of getting into a srious relationship? Did your parents divorce or have you seen other relationships go badly wrong?
So what happened after this wonderful date? Di you continue speaking to him, did he invite you on a second date?
July 7th, 2011 at 7:32 am
I’m new to this sight so I guess you just ask a question and you guys offer advice? OK, I was wondering how to deal with my dilemma. The biggest part of the intro at the top I fall into. I’m in my early 40′s I was in a long term relationship for around 9 years. There were issues in the relationship, so I suppose thats why we never married. To make a long story shorter, we broke up and we still loved each other so it was hard. Lots of depression and bad habits followed. This was 13 years ago, it seems like yesterday. I was happy to be free to try to get ahead in life. I’m still not where I need to be financially. After all you have to bring something to the table in a relationship or things wont work out. Money issues, etc. I would love to get into a relationship but I don’t want to give up my dreams of getting ahead. My idea of success is not working in fast food and living in public housing. I’m afraid if I get in a relationship thats exactly were I’m going to end up. Since, I can’t afford the “quality” type women. I don’t fall into their financial range. After all, admit it or not women, thats a big factor in whether you select a man or not. Also, I don’t want to end up stuck in some trailer with kids that I cant feed, and a wife who nags. Face it when you ‘Hook up with someone it may just start out as fun but all of a sudden ‘WHAM’ you’re in love and trapped! There goes any chance of a better life. So, do you give up you’re dreams and end up with some good sex but a crappy life? Or do you just stay lonely? Dang, I’m afraid that by the time I can afford a woman, that I’ll be to old to get a decent looking one. I may even need Viagra by then.
July 10th, 2011 at 2:15 pm
Hi Chris
Excellent post, you have summed up your dilemma well.
My thoughts are …. Yes, one of the aspects a woman often looks for is financial stability. That doesn’t mean you have to be able to shower her in diamonds though. If you have life goals and are actively working toward them then a good woman will recognise this and work with you to secure your future together.
OK so it’s not as simple as going to a bar and chatting someone up, as this often (as you rightly say) leads to the trailer park scenario. This means you have to actively look for the type of woman who will support your dreams of getting ahead but one you feel you could be happy with once you are ahead. It really is the emotional growing up stage of life, where you stop thinking about dating and start thinking about a really serious lifetime partnership and the criteria for each can often be very different.
So sit down and think about the type of woman you would like to find, how she could help you in your dream of getting ahead and you could in turn help her in her dreams … once you have these answers you should know the kind of woman you are looking for.
July 11th, 2011 at 6:46 am
Thanks for the input. What you said makes sense. And I agree with most of it. However, “I’m going to play devils advocate” with you’re last paragraph. I know the type of woman I would like to have in my life. I know the qualities I would like. I know the type of person I would like to share experiences with. Long term or not. I’m not looking to just jump in and get married, but a monogamous relationship would be nice.
Back to the point, In order to meet this type of person “you/I” have to meet certain “requirements”. If you don’t you will never get to meet those type of women. For example, I’m a college grad, and can’t seem to find steady work. Thanks to the economy. Now I’m looking to go BACK to school for nursing or physical therapy. Thats another 2-3 years of schooling. If you’re trying to meet someone, they seem to want to know what you can offer NOW. For example, I was talking to this good looking woman today, and when she found out I wasn’t making a steady check, BOOM! shot out of the water. She just walked off. This is the type of stuff I’m talking about also. She didn’t seem like the type I could say….”Hey If you wait 3+ years I’m sure I could be making good money by then. But hey, you wanna hang out till then?”
I know it sounds bitter, maybe a little bit. But maybe you can now see the other part of my dilemma.
Its a catch 22, If you pick the trailer park girls then you end up where we were at the top part of our discussion. If you wait until you meet just the right person, who can fit all your requirements, then you may never meet anybody.
And again you die old and lonely. Aren’t I just the pillar of good joy today. People may say you’re thinking negatively. It is what it is,and I’m just being a realist. I’m looking for answers to the issues, and trying not to just sit back and wallow in my self imposed misery. LOL.
I don’t have problems talking to women, its when they get to the Q&A parts that I run into problems. You know when they “Qualify” you as relationship material or not. At this point I’m thinking of having business cards printed up, that I can hand out saying something like, “Hi,don’t worry I’m not looking to get married, and we don’t have to be tied at the hip. You live you’re life, I’ll live mine. No strings attached. We’ll just be F@#k buddies and leave it at that. Are you interested? I’ll either get a yes or slapped
So, what do you think? And thanks for letting me vent some.
July 13th, 2011 at 1:04 pm
Hi Chris
Ok so it’s all about where you look. For example if you go to a cheap seedy bar you’ll meet trailer park girls and if you to an expensive wine bar you’ll meet women who are only interested in how much you earn .. that’s simple reality. So if you are going back to study and are on a mature student program there will surely be women there who will not judge you by your pay check because they too are in the same situation.
There are also women who are not so materialistic, think outside the box … where would such women spend their free time? Certainly not in a seedy bar or expensive wine bar.
So it’s about being pro-active, rather than waiting for Miss perfect to happen along, decide where Miss Perfect might hang out and go there. Perhaps she has a deep social concience and does charity work or maybe she is a book worm and spends time in the library. I can’t say because I don’t know the type of woman you are looking for but if you work it out then you can think about where such a woman may be found.
And I disagree about you just being a realist .. sorry but you are being negative and negativity is an unattractive feature … so change your thinking and be pro-active. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour … if you’ve had no luck with past behaviour then it’s time to try something different
July 22nd, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Hi…
I am 21 years old. I have not been in any relationship till now.
When i was 17 I fell for a girl. I found her extremely beautiful and was totally mad about her.But initially i was always afraid to talk to her. Most of the time it was my own imagination about dating her or being with her which made me like her a lot. Somehow through friends she got to know about my feelings. And at certain times I found her response positive which further strengthened my hope. With me being afraid, an year passed and then I came to know that she already had a boyfriend and they had been sexually involved also.
This totally shattered me and i have been in depression because of this till now. In recent times I have tried approaching other girls which i liked but none of the response seemed positive. Besides things like good looking girls responding only to people who look well totally depresses me and makes me feel inferior in some way.
This is major cause of depression in my life.
Please give suggestions!!
July 30th, 2011 at 10:27 pm
How about 2 failed long term relationships (one of which incorporated a bit of psychological abuse which I am aware of, but some of which replays over and over in my mind). I’ve found that I just don’t make time for potential suitors. I am studying, have animals (of which 2 are horses), spend most of my day on the road for work and I am dedicated to my sport – I’ve found these to be valid excuses to get out of the relationship debacle. I think its a form of protection and a fear of losing the identity I’ve created for myself. Like Chris, the criteria in having someone who would fit into my life, is virtually impossible (which is what I keep telling myself). Who would be able to put up with me and also allow me to be who I am without wanting to change me and make me feel worthless. If I’m not settled within myself, how can I let someone into my life – that would be like having a dinner party in a messy house!
August 23rd, 2011 at 10:41 am
As I read through all the posts and responses, I have to smile – We simply yearn to be understood and accepted for who we are.We yearn to have someone we can touch and experience life with. We know there will be troubles and conflict at times but believe that through understanding and acceptance of each others strengths & weaknesses, we will have a bond with that one special person , who will care enough to just be around and stay…right there. Warmest wishes that each of you find your “special one” x