Coming up with date ideas for shy people is not as easy as it sounds, dating can be quite a painful experience if you are very shy.
Where you take a shy date will depend upon just how shy they are, the more shy they are the quieter the location should be.
Don’t plan long dates unless there is an activity involved which will take the focus off the date and put it on to the activity, then your date will hopefully feel less shy about the date itself.
Most of the usual rules for date ideas do not apply to shy people, here are 5 date ideas for shy people:
1. Coffee
It’s the easiest date in the world for shy people if you pick your location well and the best choice for a first date. Try to find an olde worlde coffee shop or tea room, somewhere with soft lighting and nooks and crannies you can hide in to sip your coffee. Keep the date short to avoid long shy silences.
Before your date find something in the local paper you would like to see or do. Take the paper to your date, if you would like to see them again show the event to your date, ask them if they fancy going along with you. If you don’t want to see them again then just leave the paper on the table when you leave.
2. A Concert, Theatre or Cinema
You can get the best tickets in town or the local church production of Oliver, it doesn’t matter. Your date has time to get comfortable around you without having to feel shy. After the concert, film or play you can go for a coffee somewhere quiet and hopefully chat about the event you just saw together.
3. Architecture
Strange title but this one is all about what you both enjoy. Could be a cathedral, castle, museum, modern art gallery, etc but somewhere you can go to look at that allows you both to talk if you feel able or just look at the surroundings if you are feeling too shy to talk. The more interested your date is in the location the more likely they are to start talking about your surroundings
4. The Zoo
It doesn’t have to be a zoo, a falconry centre, aquarium, animal sanctuary or city petting farm/zoo, in fact anything with animals. Shy people often feel less anxiety if they are around animals, particularly if they can touch the animals. Take a camera along but only take pictures of the animals, unless your date opens up a little and you ask permission.
5. A Long Drive
Shy people often like to drive or be a passanger in a car on a long drive, they can see the world pass by but don’t feel intimidated by it. The radio can mask any long silences and you can point out passing landmarks to give them the opportunity to talk if they feel able. It doesn’t matter if you drive 200 miles to buy an ice cream or roll of toilet paper, it’s the quality time you can spend together without making your date feel shy and uncomfortable.
One idea for driving is to geta tape or cd of a comedy show, laughter can often bring a shy person out of their shell a little but let them come out at their own pace and don’t force things.
My thanks go to Karen, my very shy friend, for her help with date ideas for shy people.
February 3rd, 2009 at 5:11 pm
What a great list! The one tip that I have for this is that guys don’t love the idea of the coffee date. I’ve tried this many times and they seem to think it’s a blow off. I don’t think it is, especially since I love coffee. Anyone else have this problem?
Nicole’s last blog post..Are You Chemically Compatible?
February 3rd, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Love your blog Nicole, have bookmarked for future reading.
I have always found guys prefer the coffee date, simply because it can take as long or short a time as they like .. if they aren’t that in to you it’s easy to leave qwickly, much harder over dinner in a restaurant.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:47 am
Coming from a shy person, this list really isn’t that great.
Try to understand the mind of someone who faces anxiety just from being around people. The Anxiety can spawn from many things; A shy person could be afraid that people will judge them for their expression, or they might feel pressure to be expressive when they actually have nothing on their mind. Either way these date ideas are only good once you’ve gotten to know a shy person.
In my experience, coffee is actually the worst idea for a date. As mentioned before, I am very shy. Most of the anxiety I face comes from the pressure to be expressive on a date. I like silence, and my best friends are the ones that I feel comfortable being completely silent with. The best way to make a shy person comfortable is to get them in a place where they are comfortable with absolute silence. When they want to speak, they will, and when they don’t want to speak, they will remain silent. A coffee shop does not serve this purpose. In fact, if all you are doing at the coffee shop is drinking coffee, then any silence seems very awkward because it just isn’t natural for people to face each other and drink coffee and not speak to each other.
Watching a movie can be equally uncomfortable. Most shy people are very self conscious. While watching a play/movie a shy person will be constantly thinking about their laugh, their smile, their body language, and most of wall whether their date is having a good time. It usually makes it hard to enjoy the movie, and usually ends in a pretty boring date.
The long drive is also a very anti-introversion kind of date idea. It has the same problem as the coffee idea. In a car, you have nothing to do, and nothing interesting to think about. Playing music in the car makes it difficult to have conversation when someone wants to speak, and it’s generally very uncomfortable if you don’t know the people in the car.
Having said all this, I’ll suggest my favorite kind of dates (as a shy person). When I want to get to know someone, I will often ask them to go with me to the library. I am a college student which means I always have things to do at the library, and by asking someone to go with me, I’m essentially asking them to be with me while I do things completely unrelated to them. The silence is not only comfortable, but expected, and if I find something intriguing to talk about, I don’t have to interject into an existing conversation to speak my mind. It allows for a shy person to be completely free in their expression.
The next on my list of favorite dates is similar to the Architecture idea. There are just certain things that get me talking, Art is just one of them. Art fairs usually make great dates, because I’m really interested in the activity, and have much to say about the event. For people who are in to museums, or architecture, those ideas would be great alternatives.
And my last favorite date ideas are those that are completely activity based. Rock Climbing, Snow Boarding, Go Carts, Laser Tag, Arcades, Bowling, etc. If there’s something that keeps me busy, and happy then it’s impossible to have a bad date, but this kind of date isn’t preferred since it only allows minimal time to actually get to know the person.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:44 am
Hi Kent
Very interesting comments, thank you for your stopping by and letting us hear your opinion as a shy person. As I said at the end of the post the ideas came from a friend of mine who is painfully shy .. I’m afraid I have never had a shy moment in my life, so I needed help with suggestions.
Your comments sound a little confusing though (maybe as I am not shy I simply don’t understand what you mean), you say “Most of the anxiety I face comes from the pressure to be expressive on a date” and then go on to say you don’t like the date ideas because you can’t talk over music in the car and activity dates don’t give you time to get to know the person.
Perhaps you hit the nail on the head when you talked about art, as this is a setting you would be at ease in. Obviously Karen (my shy friend) is comfortable in the situations she suggested (she loves being in a car, uses a coffee shop which is also a book shop and likes watching movies because she doesn’t have to talk and it’s too dark to see her body language). You would be comfortable in an artistic setting or activity date and being interested in your surroundings would ease your shyness.
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:27 am
These are good ideas for dates, although I dont think I would go to the cinema again, just feels a bit awkward for me sitting there watching a film and not really talking.
Brian @ Scrap Car Maidstone´s last blog ..The Car Scrappage Scheme
October 25th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
But are you shy Brian?
October 28th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
I agree with Kent’s activity based comments. Acitivity dating is a great way for shy people to get know each other. It gets them to relax, laugh and have fun which then makes it easier to communicate.
Dave @ Ninja Climbing Gear´s last blog ..Privacy Policy
January 25th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
I remember when I went on my very first proper date that I was so shy and flustered that I got there late, she was looking like she just wanted to go home and I was a waste of time. Luckily the date was taking place at a theatre where they were putting on a dance company. This meant that we sat in the dark unable to talk
I got my composure and she calmed down, when it finished I offered her a lift home and we ended up having the most amazing, and unexpected, time getting completly lost and going around in circles trying to get to her house 