The ever moving goal posts of the dating game leave older daters in turmoil, with dating techniques constantly changing.
No doubt each generation feels the same, we date in our younger years then enter a long term relationship but when we find ourselves on the singles market again everything seems to have changed.
During the past two decades women in our society have been learning that saying you are looking for a “long term relationship” is tantamount to a marriage proposal on a first date.
This attitude still exists, just two days ago I sat with a male friend discussing our hopes, dreams and ideal future partners. When I explained what I would ultimately like for myself in the future he immediately pointed out that he could not be that man.
Why on earth would he feel the need to point that out, do I have desperate and looking for anyone that will have me tattooed on my forehead? I thought I was just discussing my thoughts with a friend, I really found it a little insulting but put it down to natural male reaction these days.
However there is a flip side to this attitude. Women now know the general rule that men run a mile when they hear a woman say she is looking for a life partner and not just a good time. That means that men looking for a long term relationship are met with women trying to sound happy to remain single in order not to frighten them off.
Here is the dilemma for dating in your 40′s, most people will spend a period of time after the break up of their marriage playing the field but at some point they miss having a real partner and the comforts of home life. This is when they find that dating has become a minefield of guesswork, no longer ruled by a set dating etiquette.
My advice is to be honest about what you are looking for, many people are happy to date and stay single but there are also those, both male and female, looking for a long term relationship. There is nothing wrong with either attitude and it is much better to date people that are looking for the same thing.
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:34 am
The problem with dating at 40 is that most people have seen it all.
That’s why it’s always best to dispense with the high-school baby stuff, the whiny 20′s crap, and the 30′s baggage before trying to move into a relationship again. Let go of the past and concentrate on the future. That’s the way to do it.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Agree with that totally GBYEG. The biggest issue in your 40′s is to leave the cyncial attitude behind and just enjoy dating again. Yes there are plenty of jerks out there but there are also some wonderful people who are genuinely seeking a committed relationship .. just choose the right dating site.
July 30th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
You mention that people can spend some time playing the field after the break up of a marriage. One interesting bit of advice that I’ve heard from a radio relationship psychologist is that one month should be allowed for every year of a long term relationship before a person starts dating again. If you’re interested in someone who has just broken up with someone, consider giving them this kind of time period as “space” before trying to engage them in a relationship with yourself.
July 30th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Hi Paul
That sounds like great advise but isn’t there a cutoff limit … 7 years perhaps? I’m just wondering if someone married for 24 years, after divorce, really wants to wait 2 years before they start feeling alive again??!! Sounds a little extreme to me.
July 30th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
Yes, I guess 2 years is a long time, but then, the ending of a 24 year relationship would be quite a huge thing to get over I suppose.
The name of the person who I heard the “month for a year” guideline from was Dr Miriam Stoppard. She has her own site which I just tried looking at after reading your reply, but it seems that her site is mainly about pregnancy and parenting so I couldn’t find anything about her month for a year idea there. She used to have a relationship advice show on Talk Radio here in England and often mentioned this type of timescale as a guideline…I can’t remember her ever mentioning a maximum period but I guess it all depends on the individual and the relationship which ended. I guess a highly interdependent and very close and loving relationship would take longer than one where each person was quite independent or one where there was not such a degree of intimacy.
July 30th, 2010 at 5:12 pm
Ooops, sorry I got the name wrong in my last post – it was Anna Raeburn with the monh per year advice, not Doctor Miriam. Anna’s radio show was back in the mid 90′s – my memory seems to have gotten a bit fuzzy with names since then!