Time and technology marches on but surely human relationships have remained the same since time began?

Well no, not really.

We only need to look to other cultures to see how different courting rituals are around the world in present days and I do believe we can learn something from arranged marriages but that’s another story.

So has it really become more difficult to find a husband in the past 50 years or have the goal posts simply moved?

Statistics in the UK show that single men outnumber single women by a considerable number, with over a million more single men than women, so why on earth are some women finding it impossible to find a husband?

Here are three reasons your Grandma found a husband but you can’t:

1. The Economy

Our Grandmothers were much more practical people, with “romantic notions” being reserved for the silver screen or a hot cocoa while you read Mills and Boon.

When it came to finding a husband they looked for a provider, a man with a steady income, clean habits and someone their mother approved of. A boring young bank clerk was considered a good catch because he could be a branch manager one day.

Dating opportunities were often limited to the Saturday night dance at the local church hall.

Likewise our Grandfathers grew up knowing they would leave school, find work and then start a family .. it’s just how life went. Playboys were rich and belonged to the upper class.

The economic boom of the eighties and early to mid nineties meant that Steve, the local estate agent, could live a cheap version of a playboys life.

He had his own “bachelor pad”, car, went clubbing every night and could sleep with as many girls as he could cope with (or would say yes) … why on earth would he want to give that up and swap it for a life of nagging and nappies?!

In short our economic situation allowed us to be far more fussy about who we chose as a life partner and therefore limited the number of potential candidates.

2. Technology

I remember my Grandma telling me about my great aunt (the family hussy because she married 4 times), as an actress she went off to Berlin and met, then married husband number three … ooo the shame of it.

For her generation the choice of men was usually limited to their own town or social circle, which limited their expectations.

For us the world is our slimy mollusc, we can now log on to the internet and in seconds be searching dating website databases with a few million members.

But surely that is good news, more people to choose from? Erm, no.

Suddenly the fella down our street seems a lot less attractive when there are chaps out there with sexy French accents or smouldering South American eyes.

So while we sit waiting for Antonio Banderas to come and serenade us Malcolm from down the road met some French tart and went to live in Paris.

We are essentially ignoring what is realistically on offer locally because we’re sure there is something far more exciting on offer in far off lands (or at least in another city).

3. Granny Held Out

My father often jokes about having spent a whole year trying to get his hand up my mothers jumper … bless him, he never managed it but wow did he have fun trying and he couldn’t wait to marry my mother to sample her delights.

Then the sexual revolution hit town and terms like ‘one night stand’ and ‘co-habitation’ entered our vocabulary.

Even my mothers generation had the sense to know you can lead a man anywhere, even to the altar, by his privates.

Just browse the internet and see how many times women ask how long they should wait until they sleep with a man (a week, a month, 3 months) …. our Grandma’s had a simple answer to this question …. until he puts a wedding ring on your finger.

Women’s liberation has given us so many choices, many our Grandmothers would never have thought of but in reality they settled for less and found it easier to find a husband.

We now want the whole nine yards and then sit back and wonder why we can’t find a husband. That doesn’t mean we should all settle for the first person to turn up and ask us on a date but perhaps we should be taking a leaf out of Grandma’s book and being a little more practical about our search for a husband.

The porn industry is raking the money in using every trick in the book to grab another buck.

They want you to believe that it’s all perfectly normal, everyone’s doing it … except you, because your sex life is boring.

What they won’t tell you is how their fake product can damage your marriage.

Here are three ways pornography can seriously damage your marriage.

Desensitisation

There are only so many times you can watch a businessman check into a hotel and find the chambermaid making the bed without any underwear on before it becomes old and boring.

So you sign up to a more adult site, hey it’s only the price of dinner out with the wife or a new playstation game for the kids and you work for the money so you deserve it.

You’re not into anything kinky so you slide on over to the teen virgin section … hey we all know they are much older and school uniforms don’t mean you want to have it away with kids.

A month later that’s old and tired, hey check out the threesome section .. it’s perfectly normal, lot’s of people do that.

The wife swapping section looks good .. maybe your friends Gill and Ben would be up for that?

There’s sections for sadism and bestiality which you’ll never look at … although we know it’s only acting so you just have a quick look for a laugh.

This is the process of desensitisation, in the same way that we watch more and more graphic horror movies, because we become less sensitive to what we are watching.

Desensitisation leads to crossing moral boundaries you would never have dreamed of crossing before you happened across that first pornography website.

How can your wife compete with this? You now think these acts are perfectly normal and acceptable, not only that but you need such images to get excited .. however, your wife still lives in the real world.

Self Serving

Most people will masterbate when they watch pornography, which isn’t really a big deal.

However, masterbation, when you have a sexual partner waiting upstairs for you, is purely a self serving act.

As an occasional act for relief it’s not a problem but when you start to prefer to masterbate watching pornography instead of having sex with your wife or husband then your marriage is in trouble.

Once you start ignoring your wife or husbands sexual needs and sneaking off to your fantasy world then your ability to fulfill your own and your wife/husbands sexual needs as a couple are diminished.

If you are watching lesbian films or threesomes you will begin to feel that something is missing when you do have sex with your wife or husband.

Your spouse will therefore become boring and you will be driven right back to the films or internet and back to serving only yourself.

This can then manifest itself in a lessened feeling of affection for your wife or husband, a lack of closeness begins to emerge and your wife/husband begins to feel neglected and unloved.

Addiction

MORE, give me more!!

So you “innocently” enter the fantasy world of pornography late one night when browsing the net, while you’re wife or husband’s asleep.

You know it’s a fantasy world, the men and women aren’t real, they are surrounded by soft lighting, have fake boobs and have been ridden more often than the winner of the Grand National but it’s just a bit of fun.

You masterbate for a couple of minutes then switch it off, no harm done.

The problem is once we enter the fantasy world we can never be satisfied and the occasional look becomes a regular habit.

You visit the sites more often at night after the wife or husband is alseep, until you find yourself waiting for them to go to bed so you can go and watch.

You become less interested in your sexual relationship with your partner because you have the fantasy world waiting and it takes zero effort, there’s no coaxing or foreplay involved.

How long before you ask the tech guy at work if the computers have adult sites blocked?

You hide your actions because you know your wife or husband would be upset, they would feel inadequate.

You download a couple of films .. just to watch if the computer breaks and hide them where your spouse won’t find them.

This is an addiction like any other and like any other addiction it can in time consume you.

There is also the issue of building an unrealistic image in your mind of what a healthy sexual relationship is about.

If you need help in dealing with a sex addiction or addiction to pornography please contact the following organisations and get help before you damage your marriage:

Sex Addicts Anonymous

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous UK

Sex Addicts Anonymous Scotland

What’s going on when your partner wants to bring pornography into your relationship?

We now live in a very sexually open society where virtually nothing is private or taboo.

Pornography has been around for a very long time and used to be a “guy” thing, limited to bachelors and stag parties but now a simple click of a computer mouse and in a flash you can be watching hard core pornography, which is probably banned in numerous countries.

The pro-pornography camp will say it’s harmless fun, it’s relaxing, it’s healthy, it spices up a relationship and people that don’t like porn are insecure.

The anti-pornography camp say it devalues women, becomes an addiction, removes attention from your partner to the point of not fulfilling their sexual needs and reinforces unrealistic ideas of how a “sexy partner” should look or act.

Pornography is often introduced into the relationship by the male partner, who used to look at it before the relationship started or when the sex life in a marriage gets a bit stale.

Usually it’s introduced as a way to “get new ideas” or “get you both in the mood”.

However, problems begin to arise when it becomes a substitute or you fail to gain the same gratification from your partner as you do from watching pornography.

Another problem arises when it becomes secretive. If something needs to be hidden, either a relationship or your porn stash then it’s a signal something is wrong.

Couples often begin watching it together but it doesn’t take long before one or both are watching it while their partner is at work or sleeping.

Am I insecure … you’re having a laugh!

Would I feel cheated on … no but I would certainly feel inadequate.

Would I be insulted or scared if my husband started watching porn … hell yes, it would signal there is something going wrong with our relationship.

Some couples look at relatively soft pornography together for years without it going any further and in a healthy committed relationship that’s no problem but in a majority of cases it’s a slippery slope.

Just read some of the stories on this how porn hurt our relationship message board.

Marriages that survived 20 years, with all the ups and downs we all go through and then ended in divorce because of pornography.

You go from soft pornography to something more hard core, then add something a little kinky … and so it goes on until you find yourselves inviting the neighbours round to spice things up a bit.

You can read about people that hide their pornography and watch it in secret, totally neglecting the needs of their partner.

Of course YOU don’t have an addiction but neither do heroine addicts or alcoholics!!

What the pro-porn camp haven’t grasped yet is that the damage to your relationship is subtle and you are often not aware of it until your relationship is damaged beyond repair or you have stepped over a line you can’t return from.

For those in the pro-porn camp, consider this.

After watching porn with your partner do you start to suggest or hint at a full brazillian waxing or perhaps she should stroke your ego by shouting “do it to me harder big boy” in a Texan accent? What about dressing up as a slut in thigh high boots?

Do you see the trend here … all of this is about changing the woman you are with to look or act the way porn stars do.

There is nothing wrong with your partner dressing up but when you do it in a way that tries to imitate an airbrushed, half plastic prostitute (be fair, they have sex for money the only difference is they allow it to be filmed .. that’s a prostitute) then you need to take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions about who you are becoming.

In anyone’s language that is not healthy for your relationship.

This can be something sexual your partner is not comfortable with trying/doing or it can be thrill seeking, usually requiring in time harder core material to get you excited.

Now ask yourself, if your have average sized private parts and an average build but you find your partner is regularly downloading images or films of body builders with titles like “12 inches of man love” how long will it take before you look in the mirror and think hmmmm.

Even if she adores you and tells you how much she enjoys your sex life, you are always going to have that nagging doubt in the back of your mind that what she really wants is king dong … so why should women feel any differently?

Watching porn regularly is usually an indicator that something is missing in your sex life which you crave.

I find the argument that you can get new ideas to spice up your relationship totally unconvincing. You will find many more new ideas by looking at the kama sutra than you would ever get from watching Debbie Does Dallas.

Then we have “they aren’t that great anyway, we know they’re fake and some are quite funny” .. erm, so what you watching them for? Turn it off and switch over to the comedy channel.

In most pornography films the women are highly submissive, to the point where they are a breath away from being rape scenes. Being playfully submissive is one thing but being raped is quite another.

Now ask yourself how many women are turned on by the idea of being raped? If you’re a woman and you are then you have issues that need dealt with.

If you’re a man and you believe most women are turned on by rape then you know a lot less about women than my fridge/freezer does.

The next argument is “what’s worse, to watch pornography or have an affair”.

Honestly, if you can’t see that there is something fundamentally wrong with that statement then you’re already a long way down the slippery slope.

That statement says there is something missing in your relationship, which you are unable to communicate to your partner so must look for outside your relationship.

No relationship can be repaired by going outside the relationship itself, even to films or magazines.

So the answers to the original questions are:

When does porn in a relationship stop being a way for a couple to get new ideas and start damaging the relationship?

The moment it is introduced into your relationship.

What’s going on when your partner wants to bring pornography into your relationship?

They crave something they are not getting .. re-open the lines of communication and find out what.

Agree or disagree?

Most of us have, we have the circular argument about reactions and emotions to a situation but he just doesn’t get it.

We then go to ask a female friend “why doesn’t he understand my problem?” and your friend doesn’t need facts and figures, she immediately understands your problem and empathises with you emotionally.

Think of it this way .. men think in black and white but women think in all the colours of the rainbow .. and probably a few colours that don’t exist as well.

Sometimes to understand an issue we have to look at an extreme example .. talk to a Muslim man about polygamy, as to non-Muslims it’s just an exaggerated form of adultery.

The conversation goes something like this:

1. How can you love two women?

2. They have everything they need, what I provide for one I provide for the other.

1. But can you love them both the same?

2. No but as long as when I am with one wife she feels loved that is what is important.

1. But what about her feelings of jealousy toward the other wife?

2. Why should she be jealous, she has everything she needs.

1. How would you feel if your wife could marry two men?

2. She cannot, only men can marry more than one woman.

1. Just try to imagine it, how would you feel knowing your wife left your bed and went to her other husbands bed.

2. Is she legally married to him?

1. Aarrrggghhh … how would you FEEL .. jealous, hurt, angry?

2. But she cannot marry two husbands.

1. OK we’ll try this a different way .. let’s imagine we live in an alternate universe where women can marry two men but men can only have one wife. How would you feel?

2. Are my needs being met?

The conversation just goes round and round in circles but what we do see is that men generally talk from a practical black and white persepective, whereas women generally talk from an emotional one.

Men are concerned with physical needs, housing, food, clothing, etc and even physical needs.

Women are more concerned with the emotional ramifications of such an arrangement. As women we would emotionally put ourselves in that situation and woosh .. all the feelings of jealousy, betrayal and anger sweep over us.

This is all just happening in our minds but we can feel what it would be like to be in the situation. Try it, imagine being in a physically abusive relationship or being raped .. can you feel the fear?

Men can’t, they react to what is immediately around them. Of course they can imagine a situation but they don’t create a dream like cloud of emotion and mentally wander about in it.

This is why men do not react well to floods of tears and a four hour fight about not putting their golf clubs back in the right cupboard.

In the great scheme of life whether he puts the toilet seat down or always leaves his jacket on the table is not an emotional issue.

The fact that we have asked him not to do it a hundred times, for us is an emotional issue. It is all tied in with how he treats us .. in other words, how he feels about us.

He thinks in practical terms, in black and white, so this is why he doesn’t understand the problem. Try explaining it in black and white terms without talking about how it makes you feel all the time.

The letter A stood for Admire in our A – Z of Love and now that we have returned to admiring our partner we can move on to the next letter in our Love Alpahabet.

Next in our A – Z of love is the letter B.

B could stand for beauty, besotted, bedazzled or believe but in order to keep love alive in our relationships B is going to stand for Balance.

Doesn’t sound very romantic does it but balance is so important in a strong relationship.

We must learn to balance our work and home life. If we become too involved with work then our partners will feel neglected.

If you have children you must find a balance between caring for your children and caring for your partner. Many partners feel excluded once children arrive and feel their emotional needs are not met.

It takes understanding and compromise to create a healthy balance in any relationship. Few loving relationships can survive living in each others pockets without feeling smothered but if we are too distant from our partner their emotional and physical needs are not being met.

We must balance our own sexual needs and our partners. Many people believe the frequency of their sexual relationship should be based purely on ‘when they are in the mood’ … why? What about your partners needs, find a balance that suits you both. Perhaps you have to accept a little less or more frequently than would be ideal for you but a relationship is not all about one person and what they want or need.

Write down a typical day on a sheet of paper and then add times next to it and whether your partner is involved, like this:

• work – 8 hours – No
• children (playing/homework)  – 2 hours – No
• sleeping – 8 hours – No
• cooking/cleaning  – 1.5 hours – No
• gym – 1 hour – No
• internet browsing – 0.5 hours – No
• television – 2 hours – Yes
• travel – 1 hour – No

Do this for a typical week and be honest. Do you eat together, share a hobby together or do homework with the children together?

It is a way to visualise the time you spend devoted to each other and each others needs. If you see you are not spending enough time with your partner then work out where you can make time for them.

Could you go to the gym together or miss a night and spend that hour with your partner, could you switch off the television and communicate with each other by doing an activity together or just talking about your week.

Some couples have an evening or day a week they spend together, basically they continue dating each other after they are married and it does help to keep the romance alive but it would be better to find a way of naturally spending time together without having to pencil it into your diaries.

So B is for balance in a relationship, keep the love alive in your relationship by finding a healthy balance.

The letter A stands for Admire. Take time to admire your partner both mentally and physically.

When you first start dating you spend a lot of your time admiring each other, you watch their every move, visually learn every line on their face and listen intently to every thought they utter.

Have you heard the saying ‘familiarity breeds contempt’? Unfortunately over time we start to take our partner for granted, we know what they look like, their thoughts are no longer new to us and gazing lovingly at them for an hour seems like a waste of time.

Well it’s time to get back to admiring your partner. Take time every day to stop and look at your partner, don’t think about anything just look at them.

This is a person that loves you, they have invested their time, trust and love in you so appreciate it.

Fair enough they no longer seem as exciting as they were in your dating days but be honest, are you still as exciting?

You may even look at other people and think “I wish I was single again” but believe me after some time with that person you would be in exactly the same boat.

Your partner has seen you at your worst, they have listened to your boring stories and bad jokes, they took care of you when you were ill and they devote much of their life to looking after you … yet they are still there.

They may have a few more lines on their face or a pound or two extra on their hips but those changes have come with time together.When did you last admire your partners beauty, the beauty that attracted you to them in your dating days.

Your partner still has hopes and dreams … when was the last time you asked them about their ambitions in life. When did you last spend time really listening to them and admiring their thoughts?

Take some time, have a good look and remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.

Go on, have an admire of the person you love.

It’s easy to think or say “it’s just a bit of fun and nobody will get hurt” but the reality of these arrangements is more often than not a broken friendship and emotional pain for one participant.

The worst reason to get into a friends with benefits relationship is fooling yourself that it can start out this way and will develop into a full blown romantic loving relationship … the odds are it won’t and you will just get hurt and used.

If you are tempted to get into a friends with benefits relationship, perhaps in order to keep loneliness at bay for a short time or until Mr/Miss Right comes along, then you may wish to consider these points before agreeing to be a “friend with benefits”.

Men and Woman ARE Different

Usually in friends with benefits relationships men are after the benefits and women are after the friendship, sorry men but that’s the honest truth. Firstly we have to understand the difference between love and lust and decide what we are really looking for.

A night in with a friend, a pizza, weepy video and sofa hug will generally make a woman feel satified emotionally and it’s a small price for a man to pay to get the “benefits”.

Would you agree to do this with just any friend?

I would think the answer is a resounding no, so before agreeing to such an arrangement take a long hard look at a good friend of the opposite sex that you would definately not agree to be a friend with benefits with.

Why are they any different, you just need some sexual satisfaction with someone you trust but without emotional involvement right? In order to agree to sleep with someone there has to be some attraction involved and attraction is an emotion .. so how do you now stick to the rules of friends with benefits and not get emotionally involved?

What Are the Benefits For You?

Given the above (you may not even be aware of any feelings you have for your friend but to even consider this arrangement you should accept those feelings must be there) what will happen to the friendship when those feelings begin to emerge for one of you?

Can your friendship survive the hurt feelings of rejection or the jealousy when you see your friend with someone else. Of course you can deny, deny, deny your emotions but when you are back in your bed alone at night crying what benefit will you have gained from this arrangement?

Not Interesting Enough to Date

If someone you just met said “you don’t interest me enough to date but do you fancy a roll in the hay just to relieve my tensions” how would you react? In effect the friend that suggests a “friends with benefits” relationship is saying exactly the same thing, all they are looking for is sexual gratification without any strings or emotional attachment. Are you really willing to sell yourself so short?

You Deserve Better

I know it is really easy to say “you deserve better so wait for the right guy or girl” but that is no comfort when you are feeling utterly lonely and looking for love. Loneliness is all consuming at times  and causes us to hurt emotionally but we also know it comes and goes.

You can be miserable or motivate yourself it really is a choice we make and we don’t have to resort to friends with benefits to keep lonliness at bay.

This list of 10 rules for a healthy relationship is by no means exhaustive but is a good start to building a healthy romantic relationship with your partner.

Whether you have just started dating or are looking for ways to improve your long term relationship these rules should be taken into consideration.

1. Like Yourself

Do you surround yourself with friends you don’t like? Most people choose not to make friends with people they don’t like, so how can anyone like you if you don’t like yourself?! Learn to like yourself so you become someone others like to be around.

2. Choose Partners Wisely

It is easy to get carried away when someone new showers us with gifts or we can’t tell the difference between love and lust but are these good reasons to get into a long term relationship with someone? When choosing a new partner think carefully about them, how do they treat family and friends, would you choose that person to be a friend, are there any aspects of their character that trouble you, do you share values and goals. It is difficult to be so honest with yourself in the first rush of romance but if you are seriously thinking about investing yourself in a relationship with this person it is well worth taking time to explore.

3. Respect

Respect yourself and your partner. Have you ever seen a couple at a dinner party and one is constantly putting the other down in what is meant to be ‘funny’ stories? Or one partner is flirting with everyone in the room and ignoring their partner? This shows lack of respect either for your partner, yourself or both. Respect is essential to a good relationship but must be from both partners.

4. Teamwork

Think of yourselves as a team, you will spend years working, living and loving together. Learn to support each other and use your respective strengths and weaknesses to the advantage of your relationship. All relationships have good and bad times and it is particularly important to stay close and work as a team through the bad times, when you get to the good times again you will be amazed how strong your relationship has become.

5. Maintain Intimacy

Without intimacy relationships drift apart over time and couples can feel bored with each other. Make time to maintain your relationships intimacy. That doesn’t just mean sexual desires, pillow talk is an intimate practice as is a good snuggle on the sofa. Little touches and kisses as you both go about your day help to maintain intimacy.

6. Express Yourself

You may think you are sending signals that will leave your partner in no doubt what you want or need but they are not a mind reader. Whether you are upset about something, need more affection or simply want the couch recovered, you have to let them know verbally. In the long run you will save yourself a lot of hurt feelings because your partner was unable to “guess” what you wanted or needed and it will make them happy because they feel able to give you what you want or need in your relationship. Also if your partner is doing something you don’t like then tell them, don’t just hint and hope they get the message and stop.

7. Learn To Listen

Whether your partner wants to tell you a deep dark secret or just waffle about their day, learn to really listen to them. There is often no need to give an opinion or offer advise, just having someone that really listens to you can strengthen a relationship. When your partner speaks to you try to stop what you are doing and look at them.

8. You Are Not Always Right

Learn the rules for arguing in a relationship and don’t allow hurt feelings to turn into resentment. It is natural to think your point of view is the right one and it is hard to learn that sometimes either you are not right or there simply isn’t a right, just different points of view. Also learn what it is worth arguing about, the toothpaste tube is NOT worth a prologed fight and not speaking for a week!!

9. Say Sorry

Don’t allow pride to stand in your way, if you realise you were wrong about something then say sorry. All relationships have arguments but to have a happy relationship you must be willing to kiss and make up. Consider the importance of the argument, if it was about the toothpaste tube and you feel you were right what is the problem with apologising anyway just to finish the fight and get to the kissing part?!

10. Be Spontanious

This doesn’t mean you have to whisk them off to Paris or go bungie jumping but routine can become boring. If you know your partner will cook spag bol every Wednesday night or always washes the car at 10am Sunday morning then life becomes monotonous and it’s easy for one or both partners to look outside the relationship for a little excitement. Alter your routine sometimes, wake up on Sunday morning and decide to go to a flea market or walk in the park with bare feet. Do small unexpected things to surprise your partner and keep them interested in you as a person.

That does not mean dropping subtle hints and hoping they get the message, be firm and direct but try to be honest and thoughtful.

4 Don’ts When You Ditch Someone

1. Don’t use tired old cliches like “we will still be friends” or “it’s not you it’s me”. Nobody is fooled by them and it does not help mend their hurt feelings or boost their ego.

2. Don’t be a coward and send a text message or email, this makes it easier for you but not for them. Your time together was intimate so make the break up intimate too, if you need to write down how you feel then make sure you are there when they read it and answer their questions honestly.

3. Do not start a fight in order to dump someone, again a cowardly trick which only makes things easier for you.

4. Be firm and stick to your guns, being talked into giving it one more try or taking the relationship a step further in order to “mend” the relationship is very unlikely to work. Guilt does not repair a relationship so unless during the ditching conversation you get a rush of new found love for your partner then giving in to their guilt is just going to prolong the agony.

4 Do’s When You Ditch Someone

1. Choose your time and place, at their parents wedding anniversary, out with friends or in the middle of a night of passion is NOT the right time or place. Go somewhere private and get to the point quickly.

2. Take responsibility for your emotions, if they are simply not ‘the one’ say so, be honest but not insulting. If your partners jealousy or flirtation is the reason for the break up then simply say so, give them the opportunity to not make the same mistake again.

3. Finish your current relationship before moving on to the next, do not try to find a replacement before you break up with your current partner. Being told you are simply not the one or I love you but am no longer in love with you is much easier for your partner to emotionally handle in the long run than “I have met someone new”.

4. Ditch your partner in a way you would like to be ditched, none of us would “like” to be ditched but if it has to happen consider what would cause you the least hurt and follow suit. Remember the good times you had together and respect that your partner has to move on with their lives as quickly and with the least amount of pain possible in these situations.

Most extra marital affairs begin the same way, the husband doesn’t show enough affection to the wife and the wife withdraws from their sexual partnership. It’s an age old problem within marriages, the boredom factor.

It does not matter whether the husband withdraws affection first or the wife withdraws sex, the result is the same a spiraling emotional black hole.

A vast majority of women need affection from their partner in order to stay in love, they have to be kissed, touched and made to feel loved or they simply have no emotional desire for sex.

The opposite side of this emotional rollercoaster is that a vast majority of men need regular sex from their partner in order to feel or show affection toward them. Withdrawal of sex on the woman’s part will simply lead to frustration, lack of emotional attention and a wandering eye.

It is difficult to keep the magic alive in a marriage and it does take effort from both parties.

The attitude of ‘I should only have sex when I want to but I only want to once a year’ is simply not meeting your partners needs.

Similarly the attitude of ‘why do I have to hug and kiss her, I’m married to her aren’t I’ is going to get you as much bedroom action as an inmate in solitary confinement.

If your relationship has started on this slippery slope then it is time for one of you to take the initiative and start dialogue. Talk openly about why you have withdrawn from your sex life or why you don’t show her any affection.

If your husband only shows you affection as a prelude to sex then you need to get him told, it is possible and preferable to show affection at any time of day or night without expecting it to lead to sex.

Believe me guys if you show affection to the woman in your life on a regular basis she is far less likely to withdraw sex.

In the same vein ladies, if you withdraw sex because you don’t feel sexy or just can’t be bothered expect his eye to start wandering. Most men do not WANT to have affairs, they simply come across whatever is missing at home and can’t resist.

Work on showing each other non-sexual affection, start by just getting more affectionate and see if that does the trick to start a new spark but if not sit down and talk, explain your personal needs and desires.