I am often asked how to deal with rudeness on online dating sites and after the first date.

There are three distinct catagories of dating rudeness I can think of and while they vary in degree they are all unnecessary and are definate dating don’ts.

For reasons known only to themselves some people think that because you are virtually anonymous on an online dating site it gives you the freedom to be rude to people.

Politeness costs nothing, only a moment of your time and in some cases makes you the bigger/better person.

If you have experienced any other forms of rudeness with online dating please leave a comment and let us know about your experiences.

Rude Messages

I have experienced this first hand when I was dating online, receiving messages asking if I was really that fat/tall/boring/sarcastic or whatever.

There are also the messages that tell you what’s wrong with you .. yes people actually browse online dating profiles and send messages to say what they don’t like about you!

People … get a life. There are millions of people online you will not be attracted to, so just click the next button and move on.

What this says about you is you can’t get a date for love nor money so you need to ‘act out’ your frustrations by trying to make others feel as low about themselves as you do.

If you receive any messages like this, delete them .. this is your dating don’t .. don’t respond. Do not give a second thought or wonder why a total stranger would think these things about you .. it’s their problem not yours.

This is basically an extention of the comments you see on blogs, I don’t mean ones that constructively disagree with your post but the ones that just say this is sh*t or describe what they want to do with their private parts.

This is not unique to the internet, you hear it on radio talk shows and read it in letters to editors. Some people clearly have mental frustrations which they release in any anonymous fashion they can.

If you don’t like something then move on, nobody can write something everyone will love and agree with and nobody can be attractive to everyone of the opposite gender.

Perhaps our society has fostered this rudeness by it’s ever widening freedom of speech? I know my mother taught me that if I can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.

If you get these messages and feel the need to react in any way then use the dating sites forum and start a thread called Get a Life .. post their messages on the thread and shame them into stopping because I bet they aren’t just doing it to you.

Ignoring Polite Approaches

This is when you take the time to browse profiles and find the  courage to send that first polite introductory message.

You then wait … and wait … and wait.

It’s like life before the internet (if, like me, you can remember that far back) when someone you were dating said they will call but when they don’t you go to check the dial tone on the telephone in case it’s broken.

It really would have been kinder just to call and say thanks but I’m not interested in dating you again.

Most online dating services will allow you to save message templates. It only takes a moment to respond with a saved message saying “thanks for your message, I’ve checked out your profile but don’t feel we have enough in common but I wish you luck in your search”.

This politely but firmly lets the sender know you are not interested but doesn’t leave them in limbo wondering if you have read their message and will reply.

Remember the saying .. treat people as you would like them to treat you.

After the First Date

So you’ve chatted for a while and decide to meet for a first date. After lunch you say your goodbye’s and tell them you will speak soon, knowing you have no intention of seeing them again.

They send a quick text or message later that day to thank you for the date and they hope to hear from you soon.

You delete it and forget you ever heard their name. Unless they were offensive on your date, that is simply rudeness.

Ok so you thought they were boring, weird, too flirtatious or you simply didn’t find them attractive but remember that you were interested enough to arrange to meet them, so they can’t be all bad.

They are a person with feelings and an ego, just like you. Ask yourself, wouldn’t you prefer to be told thanks but no thanks instead of being ignored?

Conclusion

If you find it necessary to write rude or offensive messages to strangers then you have serious confidence problems and need professional help to deal with your internal issues.

Ignoring people that make a polite effort to communicate with you is arrogance. They may be trying to date out of their league or you may just get too many approaches to be bothered dealing with them all (lucky you) but how much effort does it really take to click a button and let someone know you aren’t interested?!

It may be that you feel uncomfortable saying thanks but no thanks, particularly if you have been communicating for some time but most people feel much better about a rejection than being totally blanked.

This is not someone you plan to meet again so there is no need for embarrassment, just send a short decisive message and let them know they won’t be hearing from you again .. let them move on quickly.

It really is time we get back to be polite people and stop all this rudeness in online dating.

When it comes to online dating people are thinking with their emotions, they want to meet someone nice so it’s easy to ignore warning signs and trust too quickly.

It doesn’t matter how well you “think” you know a person from an online dating site, your safety must always be at the forefront of your mind.

Follow these 5 golden rules to online dating safety:

Join a Paid Dating Site

Yes I know, there are all those free sites out there so why should you pay. Very simply because the free sites are where the spammers, scammers and ner-do-wells hang out. Why should they pay when there are millions of potential victims on free sites. Paid sites collect credit card numbers, that is the sort of personal information scammers don’t like to give out. This does not eliminate the risks but it does greatly reduce them.

Personal Information

Flattery can lead people to hand out personal information within minutes of being contacted on a dating site. It’s quite frightening how much you can find out about someone with just a name, email address and phone number.

Guard your personal information well until you are sure you know who you’re talking to, use the sites services to chat for some time before handing out your personal details. If someone gets pushy about your information then ask yourself why.

Get a free email address just for online dating, so you can close it easily if need be. Get a dating mobile phone with a pay as you go card, again this can easily be cancelled. Use a free service like skype to chat online so you can see who you are talking to before you hand out your phone number.

Don’t Be Shy

Ask for personal information and check it! People often worry that the dream man or woman they are chatting to will think you don’t trust them if you insist on some personal information. Any genuine online dater will understand the online dating safety issues and be happy to reassure you with some personal details.

Ensure photos are recent, look for car models in the background, fashions and hairstyles .. are there any 80′s shoulder pads in the photo. Call any phone numbers they give you and call at odd times, not the same time every day, this helps to eliminate married people. Check snippets of information they give you, if they say they live in London and it was a bright sunny day then check the weather forecast for London.

Background Checks

Whether your paid online dating site offers a background check service or you do a background check yourself, remember people tell lies, particularly if they something to hide. No background check is a thorough police search into someones identity so don’t let yourself be fooled into a false sense of security.

All a basic background check does is check whether the information provided is correct and it does not ensure your safety. What if I tell you my name is Emily Parks and I work at Fairfield School as a primary teacher, I drive a red Toyota and have a dog named Spot. Now, what if I just gave you personal details of someone I know .. it will check out fine but that is no guarantee it’s me.

Meeting Up

Whether you are a man or woman you must think about your safety when meeting offline.

Always:

• Meet in a public place
• Tell someone where you are meeting
• Call a friend five minutes after you meet
• Tell your friend their car registration details if they came by car

Never:

• Allow them to collect you from home
• Let them book you a hotel
• Arrange to stay at their house
• Give them your credit card to pay for dinner while you nip to the toilet

romance and relationships

Here is how to write an introductory email on an online dating site that will be opened, read and responded to by the person you are communicating with.

Before you even think of writing messages to other online daters, make sure your profile is worth reading. A column of “tell you later” or a long list of “I don’t likes” will simply put people off.

People read your dating profile to decide if you might be compatible, a list of negatives is not going to help them decide.

Ensure your profile has a recent photo and enough information about you for people to have something to discuss with you. Find out the most common mistakes men make with online dating profile photos for men and online profile photos for women and don’t repeat those mistakes.

Making initial contact by sending a flirt can get people to come and look at your profile but of course your profile then needs to be interesting and many people see flirts as sheer laziness, if you can’t be bothered to even write a short message then why would they be interested in talking to you? If someone receives a lot of flirts then this is hardly an original way to communicate and may simply be ignored.

Like any human communication you need to put some effort in to getting to know people and tell them why they should spend time communicating with you.

You can have a first message template which you send out to people you are interested in but remember to edit it for each person you send it to.

Step 1 – Have Something in Common

Don’t just see a photo you like the look of and start sending messages. Read their profile and ensure you have something in common. It is great to receive lots of emails or responses but if they are from people you have little or nothing in common with then it’s effectively junk mail, as you are unlikely to want to meet each other. It’s much better to receive fewer responses from people you would enjoy meeting than having a full email box but nobody you would like to meet. If someone states in their profile they don’t like smokers and you smoke like a chimney, don’t fool yourself into thinking they will like your witty charm and ignore the smoking, it’s unlikely to happen, people put their dislikes in a profile for a reason.

Step 2 – A Noticeable Subject Heading

Imagine you are an active online dater who receives numerous messages each day. You run your eyes down the list of subject headings and see the same thing over and over again. What is needed is something that stands out from the crowd. Read my post about good dating headings to improve your chances of getting your messages read.

Step 3 – Simple but Informative

Don’t make your message too long, too short or too naughty, 4 to 5 lines is about right for a first message. Unless you have joined a site specifically for adult content then don’t send messages with suggestive comments in. A simple “Hi fancy a chat” or “Hi I’m Sally, my number is 0125454125 call me” gives the reader no information about me and doesn’t suggest in any way that I would be fun to communicate with. Similarly, telling someone your life story in an opening message will put them to sleep.

Step 4 – Make it Personal

Why should someone be interested in you if you have demonstrated that you are not interested in them by using cut and paste or the same old tired lines. Address the person you are sending the message to by their Username and include a question or comment about their profile. Let them know you have read their profile and are not just sending the same message to everyone on the dating site.

Step 5 – Sound Confident

Whether you are confident or have to fake it, make yourself sound confident in messages. Do not refer to how many people don’t answer your messages or immediately start pointing out your faults. We are all human and all have faults but concentrate on your good points, sound happy and fun to be around.

Step 6 – Give Them a Laugh

Laughter is a great way to get someone’s attention, so try to include something to make them laugh but remember jokes don’t sound the same in written type as they do in your head, so add a laughing smiley to ensure they know you are joking. A joke at your own expense is fine as long as you are not seriously putting yourself down. It may simply be the email heading that makes them laugh or it may be an ‘in joke’ which people outside your shared interest would not understand. Online dating should be fun, so sound like you are enjoying yourself.

Step 7 – Be Original

Don’t use the same old tired lines like “I just came across your profile and .. ” or “so what’s a nice woman like you doing in a place like this?”. Be original, imagine you just met this person at a party or in a cafe .. now talk to them in the same conversational manner you would use to chat in real life.

Step 8 – Speling and Grammer

So you have ritten a funny, informative and unique messge but if your not careful with your spellin and gramar then you’ve just blown it. Bad spelling and grammar suggests that you just can’t be bothered, it only takes a second to re-read your message or even run it through a spelling checker before you send it. Sloppyness is not an attractive quality.

Step 9 – Introduce Yourself

Remember to actually introduce yourself, give them some information about you and why you are worth getting to know. That may be in the form of a shared hobby, political views, religious beliefs or a shared love of horses but you need to include something in your message that suggests you would have something in common and are therefore worth getting to know.

Step 10 – Invite Them to Respond

Any advertising executive will tell you that an advert must have a ‘call to action’ included in it, that simply means telling the person what you want them to do next. In the case of online dating messages you want them to respond, so tell them you look forward to their reply or say you’ll be interested to read their answers to your questions. Don’t say I hope you respond or I hope to hear from you soon, it’s a negative.

Here are two of examples of good introductory messages for online dating but in different styles:

Jammy Dodger Addicts Need Love Too

Hi Legal_beagle, so you also have a sweet tooth, are you a closet sweet eater or have you come out to the world? I’m Pete and I’m a self confessed jammy dodger addict, it’s the way your teeth crunch through savoury biscuit and then meet that exquisite sugary jam and cream filling. Midnight raids of the biscuit tin are a normal thing in my house but of course I then have to make up for it in the gym, there’s always a down side to something so enjoyable. It’s your turn to confess, what is your favourite sweet toothed snack and why? Pete

Do carrots make you crazy?

Hi GeorgeHill, I’m Sally and I see you also keep horses and enjoy riding. Shadow, my TB, has recently developed an allergy to carrots, they send him loopy. Have you ever experienced this with one of your horses? I used to enjoy eventing but have now settled for the more sedate life of hacking out. I went to the local country show last weekend with some friends, the show jumping was excellent. Do you ever get to any of the shows in your area? I look forward to hearing about you and your horses. Sally

The first is not having a photo on your profile, having a profile photo improves your chances of dating success ten-fold.

Next is a lame or suggestive username, here are the 10 worst dating profile usernames I could find and yes they are real usernames but will give you an example of what sort of thing to avoid.

Then comes the profile or message headline, this is a first glimpse into your mind so says a lot about you.

Here are some examples of bad online dating profile headlines:

Sexual Comments

Whether you refer to your own anatomy, make comments about other people’s or make suggestive remarks, sexual comments are a big no-no unless you are on an adult dating site.

• It’s hard to be good but good if you’re hard
• One night with me is all you’d need to forget everyone else
• Busty blonde knows how to have a good time
• Handyman with own tool
• Scratch my 7 Year Itch

Desperate Headlines

Desperation is not an attractive quality, it is often associated with depression, online stalking and a generally sad person.

• Pick me, pick me
• Make me laugh again
• Can you make me love again
• Be mine forever
• Still seeking my soulmate
• I’m not your type but …

No Imagination

If you have all the time in the world to think of one sentence and still can’t write anything then it doesn’t bode well for an interesting date with witty intelligent conversation.

• Not sure what to write here
• Will fill this in later
• I’m just me
• Just trying this out
• Am new to online dating
• Insert funny headline here

Lame Ducks

Quirky and funny can be good but if you try too hard you just sound sad or silly. If you think it sounds funny or quirky email it to a friend and see if they have the same reaction or come back with WTF??

• My tenticles give me more to cuddle you with
• Single cool dude with brain the size of a planet
• Ab ove maiori discit arare minor
• E=mc2 but what equals me?
• I’m the one your mother warned you about
• OK you got my attention now what?

To find out how to get it right check out examples of good online dating profile headlines and read how to wtite headlines for online dating profiles and messages.

Firstly find out how to write headlines for online dating profiles and messages.

Don’t be afraid to edit your profile and change your heading regularly, this will attract different types of people to your profile.

There are a number of ways to get ideas for message or profile headlines but they do need to capture the imagination rather than just get lost in a sea of other similar headings.

Don’t just copy someone elses’s headline because you think it’s funny or clever, try to be original and put a little of your personality into your profile and messages.

Here are some examples of good headlines and where the inspiration came from.

Hobbies or Interests

You can attract the right kind of people with shared interests or an important issue like religion. Add something in the headline that is important to you.

• Welly wearing dog walker loves puddle splashing
• Christian Choirist raises the rafters
• Canooing wombat seeks hiking kangaroo
• Student of life indulges passion for culture

Specific Gender

You could think of a constant criticism of your gender and swim against the tide.

For women:

• Bubbly blonde with PhD potential
• Blondes have more fun but brunettes nag less often
• Feminine and strong in equal quantities

For men:

• What’s the offside rule?
• Brains and brawn in equal quantities
• Can I ask you for directions?

Romantic or Sentimental

If you are a romantic or sentimental person then show that, the people who respond will often be like-minded.

• Cat Lover Seeks Purrrfect Lap to curl up on
• Inspire me to write a love poem for you
• A perfect day is shared with someone you love
• Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and I am too

Realistic

You don’t have to have sparkling witt or be particularly charismatic to attract people. Be honest about yourself, most of us have very ordinary lives but we all have attractive qualities.

• Experimental cook needs food taster
• Well preserved but not yet pickled
• 750cc’s of mad biker seeks pillion
• Bookworm seeks bookmark to keep her place
• Office worker by day, inter-galactic assassin by night

Ok the last one’s only half honest but it adds a bit of fun while getting across that you don’t have a very exciting job.

Quotations and Characters

You can use a favourite quotation that demonstrates a philosophy or use characters from a book or film you enjoy.

• Weatherwax seeks Rincewind for magical moments
• If you’ll be Mark Anthony then I’ll be Cleopatra … but without the asp
• You non-conformists are all alike
• In order to be someone, you must first be yourself
• Don’t wait for the storm to pass, learn to dance in the rain

Be sure to avoid the mistakes made on these examples of bad online dating profile headlines.

A dating site message is the hopefully the beginning of a conversation so if you wouldn’t walk up to a stanger in the street and say it why on earth would you write it in a message.

For a message to be read it needs to have an interesting subject heading and the content needs to be polite, informative and personal, not just a copy and paste effort.

Here are the 5 most common mistakes men make with online dating messages:

1. Sexual Content

Unless you have joined an adult dating site designed for sexual content then DO NOT send naked pictures of yourself, ask if she wants to attend a swingers party or send rude, suggestive messages. Women who are just looking for casual sexual encounters register with adult sites, the rest are looking for something more.

2. Too Brief

Unless you are Brad Pitt or Richard Gere messages like “Hi I’m Ian, if you like my profile message me back” or “Hi I’m Ian, my number is 0125125265 call me” will usually find their way rapidly to the trash can. It’s not interesting, not original and not going to get them diving over to view your profile.

3. Too long

So you have done your homework and know not to write a message that is too short .. so you now go to the other extreme and launch into war and peace. An ideal first message should be between 4 and 8 sentences.

4. Invading Privacy

Women take their privacy online very personally. Sending messages with pictures attached or your phone number and msn details, with a request to chat on webcam feels like a total invasion of privacy. Wait to be invited to share pictures or a webcam chat, at the very least ask if you can send her pictures but never in a first message.

5. Desperation

Saying things like, “you probably won’t answer this but ..” or “I can’t believe I’m doing this but .. ” or simply sending the same impersonal message to everyone on the site makes you look desperate and it’s not going to get the women flocking to your profile.

Jokes in Type

This is not a mistake, just a word of warning. Have you ever make a joke online or in an email and someone takes offense? Most of us have, without a tone of voice and facial expressions the words you type will be read very literally. Once you have written a message try to read it back to yourself without any tone of voice in your mind, read it exactly as a stranger would. If you are going to make a joke then add a laughing smiley at the end to indicate it is just a joke.

Like a newspaper article headline, the heading on your dating profile or message should sum up something about you or your interests in one line and can mean the difference between getting noticed online or ending up in the trash can.

Hopefully you know how to choose a good dating profile username and this will initially draw people to your profile but then you have to back up an interesting username with a catchy headline or introduction.

Active online daters are popular people and they will receive many messages each day and browse lots of profiles, so your message or profile has to stand out from the crowd by being a little different but you need to attract the right type of people, not just as many as you can.

Have a look at this list of message headings and see which one stands out to you:

Tintin sent you a flirt
Pauly29 sent you a flirt
Naughty_Nigel is seeking fun
Steve57 sent you a flirt
Exhausted Dragon Slayer Seeks Refuge
Hi I’m Ian
PeterZoo sent you a flirt
Hammy sent you a flirt

Which one is going to be opened first? The dragon slayer has immediately got someones attention, simply because the message looks different to the usual headings they will read.

Naughty_Nigel is heading straight for the trash can unless he is on a strictly adult dating site and the others are just all the same with different usernames. Ian is just unimaginative and isn’t going to jump out as a must read.

Another eye catching headling would be “Jaffa cake eater goes beserk in Tesco” it makes you sound quirky and fun, not the run of the mill “You’ve heard this a thousand times before” type of message.

Try to think of message subject headings as newspaper article headlines, when you read a newspaper the headline of the article will tell you if it’s something you would be interested in reading.

Have a try, grab a newspaper or magazine and a highlighter pen. Without reading any articles or thinking too much about it just go through and highlight headlines that sounds worth reading.

When you finish go back and study what you have highlighted. Are they about something you are already interested in, for example sports, politics or animals? If yes then there is the first step in writing good headings, write them for people that share your interests.

An example would be “My golf buggy has room for two, shall we tee off together?” or “Welly wearer seeks playmate for puddle splashing and dog walking”.

Alternatively the headlines you highlighted may not be about something you are interested in but the headline was sufficiently interesting to make you consider reading the article. Step number two, make the reader want to find out more.

An example would be the jaffa cake headline above or “Tiddlywinks Champion requires more winks”. It’s offbeat enough to get people reading your profile or message and sending you winks.

Good online dating headlines can be funny, romantic or clever but they do need to be positive, headlines with ‘save me’ written all over them do not get a good number of responses.

Something to bear in mind when you write your headline is that people are not initially interested in what you are looking for, they are much more interested in what THEY are looking for. Write a heading that suggests you have something to offer them, in the form of a good laugh, a shared interest or a personality trait they like.

Not all dating profiles have a headline and if your dating site profile doesn’t then begin the “about me” section with a catchy one liner, something to make viewers want to continue reading.

Still not sure what to write? Ask some friends to sum you up in one sentence, friends tend to be more positive about us than we are about ourselves and they will pick out our more obvious characteristics.

The first thing that will attract people to your profile is the photo but a good headline comes a close second. Online dating messages require a good headline if you want them to be noticed and read, so be imaginative and for inspiration have a look at these examples of good online dating profile headlines but be sure not to copy these examples of bad online dating profile headlines.

Before you even think of searching profiles or clicking that send flirt button try to decide what it is you are looking for. I don’t mean the exact person, as that will be far too limiting.

Simply decide if you are only ready for casual dating or for a more long term relationship.

A tip for successful online dating is to never decide you have joined an online dating site to find your soul mate, for three reasons:

• You will come across as desperate and that is never an attractive quality.
• Disappointment will quickly arrive when your perfect match doesn’t turn up in the first two weeks.
• The more open minded you are about meeting lots of new friends the more active you will be on the dating site in general and the more fun you will have .. by being active when online dating you will be more attractive to others.

Here are some basic rules to follow in developing online dating relationships:

Online or Offline It’s All the Same

You are going to communicate with real people, yes some will be insulting, some spammers and a few just plain old creepy but on the whole the people you talk to are normal people so treat them as you would if you met in a bar or at work offline. Online conversation follows the same rules as offline, just because you are hidden behind a screen doesn’t give you permission to act like an idiot or insult people.

Before you send any messages, even flirty ones ask yourself “would I say this to a stranger offline or will it come back to haunt me if we ever meet in real life?

Read Profiles Carefully

Other daters have also sat there at the registration page thinking “yikes what do I put in here”, they have taken the time to tell you about themselves so have the decency to read it and not just look at the picture and think “that’ll do” and send a flirt. There are few online insults bigger than receiving a message asking about your children or pets when your profile clearly states you don’t have any.

Comment on Their Profile

Your first message should ask a question or comment about something on their profile and tell them a little about you and why you think you would get on.

Do not send messages like “so you’ve got a horse eh. Here’s my number call me and we can hook up”. Learn to know when to give out your phone number or msn address and don’t force it on people in the first message you send.

It would be much more appropriate to say “What sort of horse riding do you most enjoy? I used to ride as a child but tended to spend most of my time laying on the floor looking at their stomach, so I gave it up and took up a safer hobby … car racing.” This gives them something to respond to and a natural conversation will follow.

Reply to Messages

Answer the messages that you receive, even if you send a “thanks but you’re not my type” reply. Try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, they have taken the time to contact you and may well log in every day to see if you have replied. At the very least you will seem rude and you don’t know who their online friends are but at worst you can actually damage someone’s self image.

Even if you open their profile and think “why on earth is this person contacting me” just remember they have had the guts to contact you so a short polite reply will usually send them merrily on to the next person. The only exception to this rule is insulting, rude or spammy messages .. do not reply, they feed off your outrage or sarcasm so just delete them and they will get bored and go away.

Listen and Speak

Conversations are hard work if they are all one way, with either a bombardment of endless questions to answer or yes/no answers with nothing to reply to. As with building offline relationships make sure conversations are two way and the other person isn’t having to do all the work or is unable to get a word in. Take time to listen to the other person and respond to them.

Don’t Unload

Once you are in a conversation with someone don’t take it as an opportunity for some free theracpy and tell them all your worldy worries. Women tend to be more guilty of this but men are also prone to the occasional bout of wallowing. Having an anyonymous person to tell your troubles to does have a very therapeutic effect but it would be much better to make some same gender friends online and unload on them, possible partners want the upbeat fun you and not the manic depressive you.

Share Your Interests

This  is something we would naturally do offline or even online with our email friends but people often forget this side of relationship building when they join a dating site.

Whether you are building relationships with people you are interesting in possibly dating or just making a group of new friends remember to include them in your interests. Send free ecards or share music clips, send them a link for a news article to discuss or funny animal pictures. The normal things that you would share online with facebook friends or your family.

Don’t be Rude

I have often seen someone in a dating site chatroom that is in the middle of a conversation with a group of people and then suddenly disappears into a private chatroom when someone they are interested in arrives, without saying a word and then you chatroom becomes a flurry of “well that was rude” comments.  Imagine you are in a cafe chatting to a group of people and your date arrives .. without a word you just walk away. What are those people going to think of you and how will they react the next time you drop by for coffee?

Same online, simply say “right must be off, catch you all later”. Everyone knows where you are going but at least you have said goodbye and not just left them hanging.

Privacy is Paramount

Respect people’s privacy online, if they send you a photo or share information about their family or work don’t forward it to friends or talk about it in forums or blogs. The online world is a surprisingly small place and imagine how you would feel if you joined a new forum and found everyone has already heard about you or seen the picture of you drunk in a ditch wearing a flowerpot on your head.

Like a fitness programme, it won’t work by sitting on your sofa and reading books about getting fit or meeting that someone special.

In order to be successful at online dating you have to actively take part, not sit on the side lines and wait for someone special to happen along and pick you for their team.

Passive Daters

These are people that are unsure about even joining a dating site. Perhaps they feel there is still a stigma attached to online dating, they may not believe it can really work, are afraid of rejection, perhaps are not very confident about themselves or simply don’t have a clue what to write about themselves.

Passive daters will fill out the bare bones of a profile, often inserting “will tell you later” or “send me a message and ask me” if they can’t think of an imaginative answer to a question. They are unlikely to put a photo on their profile and very rarely contact other members, instead they sit back and wait for people to contact them .. they will likely even forget they have joined the site unless an email arrives.

Imagine going out on a Saturday night .. you don your best clothes but haven’t bothered ironing them, pop your sunglasses and a floppy hat on and drag yourself out. You go to a bar or restaurant and sit in the corner reading a book waiting and hoping that someone will notice you and stop by your table to say hello.

It doesn’t sound like a recipe for dating success does it? That is the equivalent of a passive online dater and the same result will usually happen .. not a lot, other than disappointment.

You may be lucky and an active dater will stop by and say hello but why would an active dater contact someone with a half-hearted profile, no photo and who hasn’t logged into the site for over a month? As they make up less than 20% of the online dating scene the chances of an active dater contacting you are really quite slim.

If you are a passive dater then it’s time to change your ways if you really want to meet someone, have a quick read of why we Brits need to be more like Americans when it comes to dating profiles.

Start by choosing a good dating profile username as this is the first thing other members will see and a username like “Bored & Depressed” may just put them off a little.

Your profile doesn’t have to be written by Shakespeare or make people roll around the floor laughing, it simply has to be informative, a reflection of who you are. If you’re not sure where to start then get searching and read other peoples profiles, find ones you find interesting and work out what makes them stand out from the crowd.

Upload a recent photo, statistics show that having a profile photo improves your chances of dating success ten fold. Even if you mark it as private so it can’t be seen by everyone but at least other members will know you have a photo so if they contact you there is a chance of seeing it.

Profile Photos are so important I write about them a little too often, check out mistakes women make with profile photos and mistakes men make with profile photos, it can mean the difference between finding that someone special and being overlooked so why not make a little effort and get a good photo for your profile.

Now start searching profiles, find people you like the sound of and send a message saying hello. Some people will initially send a flirt or add someone to their friends list to get the other person to come and read their profile and hopefully reciprocate .. I call this the peek a boo game and don’t recommend it but it’s better than not contacting people. It is better, if you have the confidence, to simply send them a message introducing yourself and always say something or ask a question that shows you have read their profile, not just looked at the photo.

Active Daters

This isn’t a polite term for a serial dater, out every night with someone new. An active dater believes online dating can work, they often know someone that has met their partner online and they actively go after what they want .. to meet someone to date.

They will take time to write an informative and interesting profile, often editing their profile from time to time. Their profile will display a current photo of them (rather than their car or pet) and they will spend time searching profiles and sending messages to people whose profiles they enjoy.

It’s true you have to be a little thick skinned for online dating at times, not everyone will send polite messages or even answer but active daters don’t let this put them off.

Active daters will log in to the site regularly to see who has recently joined, they will send out messages and keep their profile updated. They are also much more likely to succeed simply because they are making the effort to find what they want.

If you are an active dater you may not be meeting as many people as you would like to online but you are over half way there, you are putting in the time and effort. If this isn’t getting the results you were hoping for then ask yourself if you are on the right dating site for you, how to choose a good online dating service is written for first timers but has some good tips if you think you may be on the wrong site.

Please learn the art of rejection, nobody likes a rejection but there is a way to do it nicely and it’s better than being ignored completely. Be polite and friendly when online dating, whether you are a passive or active online dater.

If you met someone in a bar and chatted for half an hour would you hand them your number? How much would you need to know about them before giving out your personal details?

The only difference with online encounters is we are never totally sure of who we are talking to, there is no eye contact or body language to get impressions from.

Because some weird people hang out online it makes us wary of everyone we meet on the internet but with a little forethought the net is no more dangerous than going to a bar and giving out your number to someone you meet.

Here are a couple of ways you can feel more confident before handing out your phone number to online contacts:

Use The Dating Websites Resources

It is amazing how many people send an initial contact message saying here is my phone number and email, please contact me and we can chat. Are you kidding me?! That is the same as walking up to a total stranger in the street and saying here’s my number call me, it may work for James Bond but he’s a fictional character. Set a personal rule that you will not move off the website until you have spoken 8 or 10 times to someone, it’s called respecting boundaries. Use whatever resources the dating website provides, send flirts, personal messages, use the forum, webcams or arrange to meet in the chatroom one night at 9pm (use private chat rooms if they have the facility). If someone seems desperate to get off the website to chat, then ask yourself why, what is their desperation about and do you really want to meet someone desperate. This is a particular red flag if you are looking for a serious relationship.

Start with email

Set up a free email account just for dating and give that to the person you are chatting to but add some rules. The rules are not important, you can say don’t email on a weekend because your sister uses the email account and you don’t want her reading your emails or not to add any attachments or your computer will block the messages. The point of the rules is simply to see whether they abide by them, are they listening to you and working to build your trust or just doing their own thing regardless. Anyone that can’t follow a couple of simple rules for emails may just be the type to send 40 text messages a day or call you at 4am for a chat.

Webcam Chats

Don’t hand out your phone number until you have spoken on webcam, this way you at least know if the person has represented themselves truthfully on their profile and can see body language. It is best if the woman suggests a webcam chat during the day. Genuine men are often wary about asking for a webcam chat in case the woman thinks he is being pervy. By suggesting an afternoon webcam chat the woman is setting the boundaries, which would rarely be taken as anything other than a genuine request for a ‘face to face’ chat.

A Dating Phone

When you are ready to give them your phone number pick up a cheap or used mobile phone and a pay as you go sim card. You can do this for about £25 and carry it with you as a second phone or simply check for messages and missed calls when you get home. If you then get inappropriate calls or messages from someone then you can simply throw away the pay as you go card and get a new one, this way you don’t have to let family and friends know about a change of number but can soon deal with pesky callers.

Call Boundaries

When you give out your number set some boundaries, state that you don’t want to receive calls or texts after 1am or during 9-5 when you will be at work. Some people get carried away when they first get your number and want to talk all the time, this can be very flattering at first but try to think longer term, will 20 text messages a day start to annoy you after a couple of weeks? It may be that you will love the attention, only you can decide but to happily respond to 20 messages a day in the first couple of weeks and then tell them they are stalking you when you get tired of the number of calls or messages is a little unfair, start as you mean to go on and don’t give out mixed signals.

Use your gut feeling and experience when asked for your number, if you are not 100% happy to do so then don’t give it out, simply say you are not ready to speak directly yet. If they decide they can’t wait around then take it as a lucky escape. Don’t be pressurised into giving out your personal details, choose wisely when to give out your phone number.