I have never searched the internet for the term “Best Wife in the World” before and was surprised how many web pages contain this phrase.

I feel sure we all remember Tom Cruise and his antics on the Oprah show, declaring his love. This had such an impact in America that urban dictionaries now include the phrase Jump the Couch.

As a Brit we tend to be more reserved about our personal feelings and squirm at such open declarations of love but Americans seem to have none of our reserve when it comes to declaring their love, faith or opinions.

I would die of embarrassment if my husband started a blog declaring me the best wife in the world … and yet, like any human with an ego, I would secretly be immensely flattered.

If you don’t go and read the short blog post I want to share a couple of lines with you.

Matt says “She has endured unbelievable hardship, much caused by me, some caused by “life” in general.”

This statement had such an impact on me. Reading between the lines it shows Matt’s acceptance that he has not been the best husband in the world and yet his wife has endured and continued to try her best to be a good wife.

Matt also tells us “She is the total package of friend, playmate, confidant and lover to me.”

This line in itself should tell us women what is really important to a man in a wife. He does not talk about her weight, her looks or what she wears. A marriage is so much deeper than external appearance and yet some women still believe looks are what it all boils down to.

To be a good wife you need to be devoted, faithful, playful, trusting, energetic, secure, supportive, forgiving and on occasion long suffering.

A tip for MEN … this is not a one way street, we can only continue to be all of these things if you respond in kind and make the effort to play your part in the marriage.

If you read this and think “erm, maybe I haven’t been the best wife or husband” then it’s rarely too late to change your ways, so take a leaf from Matt’s book and start now.

Well done to Matt for recognising his wife’s efforts and I hope you will continue to cherish Jean, now you have recognised just how fantastic she is.

Now I don’t want to burst your bubble Matt but the Big G (Google) will often highly rank a new blog but over a few weeks it will fall into it’s natural place in the search engines … however, if this happens it doesn’t mean you don’t have the Best Wife in the World!!

Time and technology marches on but surely human relationships have remained the same since time began?

Well no, not really.

We only need to look to other cultures to see how different courting rituals are around the world in present days and I do believe we can learn something from arranged marriages but that’s another story.

So has it really become more difficult to find a husband in the past 50 years or have the goal posts simply moved?

Statistics in the UK show that single men outnumber single women by a considerable number, with over a million more single men than women, so why on earth are some women finding it impossible to find a husband?

Here are three reasons your Grandma found a husband but you can’t:

1. The Economy

Our Grandmothers were much more practical people, with “romantic notions” being reserved for the silver screen or a hot cocoa while you read Mills and Boon.

When it came to finding a husband they looked for a provider, a man with a steady income, clean habits and someone their mother approved of. A boring young bank clerk was considered a good catch because he could be a branch manager one day.

Dating opportunities were often limited to the Saturday night dance at the local church hall.

Likewise our Grandfathers grew up knowing they would leave school, find work and then start a family .. it’s just how life went. Playboys were rich and belonged to the upper class.

The economic boom of the eighties and early to mid nineties meant that Steve, the local estate agent, could live a cheap version of a playboys life.

He had his own “bachelor pad”, car, went clubbing every night and could sleep with as many girls as he could cope with (or would say yes) … why on earth would he want to give that up and swap it for a life of nagging and nappies?!

In short our economic situation allowed us to be far more fussy about who we chose as a life partner and therefore limited the number of potential candidates.

2. Technology

I remember my Grandma telling me about my great aunt (the family hussy because she married 4 times), as an actress she went off to Berlin and met, then married husband number three … ooo the shame of it.

For her generation the choice of men was usually limited to their own town or social circle, which limited their expectations.

For us the world is our slimy mollusc, we can now log on to the internet and in seconds be searching dating website databases with a few million members.

But surely that is good news, more people to choose from? Erm, no.

Suddenly the fella down our street seems a lot less attractive when there are chaps out there with sexy French accents or smouldering South American eyes.

So while we sit waiting for Antonio Banderas to come and serenade us Malcolm from down the road met some French tart and went to live in Paris.

We are essentially ignoring what is realistically on offer locally because we’re sure there is something far more exciting on offer in far off lands (or at least in another city).

3. Granny Held Out

My father often jokes about having spent a whole year trying to get his hand up my mothers jumper … bless him, he never managed it but wow did he have fun trying and he couldn’t wait to marry my mother to sample her delights.

Then the sexual revolution hit town and terms like ‘one night stand’ and ‘co-habitation’ entered our vocabulary.

Even my mothers generation had the sense to know you can lead a man anywhere, even to the altar, by his privates.

Just browse the internet and see how many times women ask how long they should wait until they sleep with a man (a week, a month, 3 months) …. our Grandma’s had a simple answer to this question …. until he puts a wedding ring on your finger.

Women’s liberation has given us so many choices, many our Grandmothers would never have thought of but in reality they settled for less and found it easier to find a husband.

We now want the whole nine yards and then sit back and wonder why we can’t find a husband. That doesn’t mean we should all settle for the first person to turn up and ask us on a date but perhaps we should be taking a leaf out of Grandma’s book and being a little more practical about our search for a husband.

The porn industry is raking the money in using every trick in the book to grab another buck.

They want you to believe that it’s all perfectly normal, everyone’s doing it … except you, because your sex life is boring.

What they won’t tell you is how their fake product can damage your marriage.

Here are three ways pornography can seriously damage your marriage.

Desensitisation

There are only so many times you can watch a businessman check into a hotel and find the chambermaid making the bed without any underwear on before it becomes old and boring.

So you sign up to a more adult site, hey it’s only the price of dinner out with the wife or a new playstation game for the kids and you work for the money so you deserve it.

You’re not into anything kinky so you slide on over to the teen virgin section … hey we all know they are much older and school uniforms don’t mean you want to have it away with kids.

A month later that’s old and tired, hey check out the threesome section .. it’s perfectly normal, lot’s of people do that.

The wife swapping section looks good .. maybe your friends Gill and Ben would be up for that?

There’s sections for sadism and bestiality which you’ll never look at … although we know it’s only acting so you just have a quick look for a laugh.

This is the process of desensitisation, in the same way that we watch more and more graphic horror movies, because we become less sensitive to what we are watching.

Desensitisation leads to crossing moral boundaries you would never have dreamed of crossing before you happened across that first pornography website.

How can your wife compete with this? You now think these acts are perfectly normal and acceptable, not only that but you need such images to get excited .. however, your wife still lives in the real world.

Self Serving

Most people will masterbate when they watch pornography, which isn’t really a big deal.

However, masterbation, when you have a sexual partner waiting upstairs for you, is purely a self serving act.

As an occasional act for relief it’s not a problem but when you start to prefer to masterbate watching pornography instead of having sex with your wife or husband then your marriage is in trouble.

Once you start ignoring your wife or husbands sexual needs and sneaking off to your fantasy world then your ability to fulfill your own and your wife/husbands sexual needs as a couple are diminished.

If you are watching lesbian films or threesomes you will begin to feel that something is missing when you do have sex with your wife or husband.

Your spouse will therefore become boring and you will be driven right back to the films or internet and back to serving only yourself.

This can then manifest itself in a lessened feeling of affection for your wife or husband, a lack of closeness begins to emerge and your wife/husband begins to feel neglected and unloved.

Addiction

MORE, give me more!!

So you “innocently” enter the fantasy world of pornography late one night when browsing the net, while you’re wife or husband’s asleep.

You know it’s a fantasy world, the men and women aren’t real, they are surrounded by soft lighting, have fake boobs and have been ridden more often than the winner of the Grand National but it’s just a bit of fun.

You masterbate for a couple of minutes then switch it off, no harm done.

The problem is once we enter the fantasy world we can never be satisfied and the occasional look becomes a regular habit.

You visit the sites more often at night after the wife or husband is alseep, until you find yourself waiting for them to go to bed so you can go and watch.

You become less interested in your sexual relationship with your partner because you have the fantasy world waiting and it takes zero effort, there’s no coaxing or foreplay involved.

How long before you ask the tech guy at work if the computers have adult sites blocked?

You hide your actions because you know your wife or husband would be upset, they would feel inadequate.

You download a couple of films .. just to watch if the computer breaks and hide them where your spouse won’t find them.

This is an addiction like any other and like any other addiction it can in time consume you.

There is also the issue of building an unrealistic image in your mind of what a healthy sexual relationship is about.

If you need help in dealing with a sex addiction or addiction to pornography please contact the following organisations and get help before you damage your marriage:

Sex Addicts Anonymous

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous UK

Sex Addicts Anonymous Scotland

What’s going on when your partner wants to bring pornography into your relationship?

We now live in a very sexually open society where virtually nothing is private or taboo.

Pornography has been around for a very long time and used to be a “guy” thing, limited to bachelors and stag parties but now a simple click of a computer mouse and in a flash you can be watching hard core pornography, which is probably banned in numerous countries.

The pro-pornography camp will say it’s harmless fun, it’s relaxing, it’s healthy, it spices up a relationship and people that don’t like porn are insecure.

The anti-pornography camp say it devalues women, becomes an addiction, removes attention from your partner to the point of not fulfilling their sexual needs and reinforces unrealistic ideas of how a “sexy partner” should look or act.

Pornography is often introduced into the relationship by the male partner, who used to look at it before the relationship started or when the sex life in a marriage gets a bit stale.

Usually it’s introduced as a way to “get new ideas” or “get you both in the mood”.

However, problems begin to arise when it becomes a substitute or you fail to gain the same gratification from your partner as you do from watching pornography.

Another problem arises when it becomes secretive. If something needs to be hidden, either a relationship or your porn stash then it’s a signal something is wrong.

Couples often begin watching it together but it doesn’t take long before one or both are watching it while their partner is at work or sleeping.

Am I insecure … you’re having a laugh!

Would I feel cheated on … no but I would certainly feel inadequate.

Would I be insulted or scared if my husband started watching porn … hell yes, it would signal there is something going wrong with our relationship.

Some couples look at relatively soft pornography together for years without it going any further and in a healthy committed relationship that’s no problem but in a majority of cases it’s a slippery slope.

Just read some of the stories on this how porn hurt our relationship message board.

Marriages that survived 20 years, with all the ups and downs we all go through and then ended in divorce because of pornography.

You go from soft pornography to something more hard core, then add something a little kinky … and so it goes on until you find yourselves inviting the neighbours round to spice things up a bit.

You can read about people that hide their pornography and watch it in secret, totally neglecting the needs of their partner.

Of course YOU don’t have an addiction but neither do heroine addicts or alcoholics!!

What the pro-porn camp haven’t grasped yet is that the damage to your relationship is subtle and you are often not aware of it until your relationship is damaged beyond repair or you have stepped over a line you can’t return from.

For those in the pro-porn camp, consider this.

After watching porn with your partner do you start to suggest or hint at a full brazillian waxing or perhaps she should stroke your ego by shouting “do it to me harder big boy” in a Texan accent? What about dressing up as a slut in thigh high boots?

Do you see the trend here … all of this is about changing the woman you are with to look or act the way porn stars do.

There is nothing wrong with your partner dressing up but when you do it in a way that tries to imitate an airbrushed, half plastic prostitute (be fair, they have sex for money the only difference is they allow it to be filmed .. that’s a prostitute) then you need to take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions about who you are becoming.

In anyone’s language that is not healthy for your relationship.

This can be something sexual your partner is not comfortable with trying/doing or it can be thrill seeking, usually requiring in time harder core material to get you excited.

Now ask yourself, if your have average sized private parts and an average build but you find your partner is regularly downloading images or films of body builders with titles like “12 inches of man love” how long will it take before you look in the mirror and think hmmmm.

Even if she adores you and tells you how much she enjoys your sex life, you are always going to have that nagging doubt in the back of your mind that what she really wants is king dong … so why should women feel any differently?

Watching porn regularly is usually an indicator that something is missing in your sex life which you crave.

I find the argument that you can get new ideas to spice up your relationship totally unconvincing. You will find many more new ideas by looking at the kama sutra than you would ever get from watching Debbie Does Dallas.

Then we have “they aren’t that great anyway, we know they’re fake and some are quite funny” .. erm, so what you watching them for? Turn it off and switch over to the comedy channel.

In most pornography films the women are highly submissive, to the point where they are a breath away from being rape scenes. Being playfully submissive is one thing but being raped is quite another.

Now ask yourself how many women are turned on by the idea of being raped? If you’re a woman and you are then you have issues that need dealt with.

If you’re a man and you believe most women are turned on by rape then you know a lot less about women than my fridge/freezer does.

The next argument is “what’s worse, to watch pornography or have an affair”.

Honestly, if you can’t see that there is something fundamentally wrong with that statement then you’re already a long way down the slippery slope.

That statement says there is something missing in your relationship, which you are unable to communicate to your partner so must look for outside your relationship.

No relationship can be repaired by going outside the relationship itself, even to films or magazines.

So the answers to the original questions are:

When does porn in a relationship stop being a way for a couple to get new ideas and start damaging the relationship?

The moment it is introduced into your relationship.

What’s going on when your partner wants to bring pornography into your relationship?

They crave something they are not getting .. re-open the lines of communication and find out what.

Agree or disagree?

Have you ever noticed that bubbly, happy people tend to be more cuddly. Whereas stern, stressed out people tend to prefer their personal space not to be invaded.

A strong happy relationship needs intimacy and affection, we must take time out of our stressful lives to switch off the tv and have a cuddling session.

Many couples now only cuddle in bed, usually as a prelude to foreplay and sexual activity but can you remember when you were first dating and couldn’t get enough cuddling? It wasn’t about foreplay or duty, you just had to be touching them all the time.

It didn’t matter if you were reading a book, watching tv or washing the dishes, you needed to cuddle them, stroke their skin and kiss them lightly. There were times you cuddled them so hard you wanted to merge into one being .. over time it is all too easy to lose this intimacy.

The stresses of life, work, finances, kids, etc all detract from those intimate feelings you had at the beginning of your relationship and you begin to live side by side rather than together.

If we want to re-connect with our partners on an intimate level then this is what we need to get back to, lots of no strings cuddling.

Women generally need more physical affection than men and respond well to shows of intimacy, although it’s only fair to say men also need to be shown affection in order to feel loved.

For many women cuddling is actually much more important than sex. However if we are only ever cuddled when it’s time for sexual activity then cuddling loses it’s appeal, it becomes foreplay and not a special way to show your love and affection for each other.

In this situation cuddling can actually become a turn off, knowing that you are only being cuddled as a prelude to something else can actually start to feel like bribery and it loses it’s meaning. If your partner is not in the mood for sexual activity then they will begin to avoid cuddling if it always leads to sex.

Women can also start to avoid cuddling when they feel less attractive, those stretch marks from having kids, the weight they have gained, breasts that aren’t as perky as they once were, etc. Men can also have issues with their physical appearance over time.

This is where cuddling can come into it’s own, spending time just touching each other, running your hands over the stretch marks, snuggle into his plump tummy or cupping a slightly sagging breast as you say I love you can create a real feeling of intimacy and confidence in your relationship.

Not done because you want your weekly hump or because something bad has happened so they need comfort but because you want to spend time together and let them know you love them.

Make time for your partner, spend time cuddling and make it obvious that you are not after anything other than a cuddle. Pick up a book or magazine and pull your partner in for a cuddle as you read .. that really is a special feeling, as it takes them into your private world.

There are many ways to re-connect with a partner in a long term relationship but never underestimate the importance of cuddling.

I am not talking about the french maids outfit in the bedroom or dressing up to go out together but simply dressing up for him.

In many marriages and long term relationships it’s all too easy to slip into the habit of wearing makeup and nice clothes only when you go out but at home you wear sloppy sweats and no make up.

Let’s be honest none of us are inclined to don our best frock and a face full of makeup to clean the loo or if you do you perhaps need to look at why you feel that urge!

However, when we are first dating most of us would rather be seen dead (as long as we have nice undies on) than for our man to see us without makeup and a push up bra, yet as time goes on we get “comfortable” around our man.

He has heard us snore, seen us with a runny nose when we have a cold and there was that awful time we did a loud fart and he was three feet away .. so do we need to dress up for him?

Yes there is much more to your relationship now than there was in your dating days but physical attraction is still an important part of any relationship.

This relationship comfort zone is often coupled with a low sex drive, if we don’t look attractive and sexy then we don’t feel it. There is no need to wait until you are in the mood then dress up, do it the other way around, dress up first and you’d be surprised how it can change your mood.

Have you ever sat at work or in a bar and looked at other men thinking, my old fella never bothers to look or smell that good anymore? If we are honest most of us have but the downside is that most of them have done the same with women.

This doesn’t mean we are all bored with our partners and looking elsewhere, if you ask the average man in a happy long term relationship they will say they love their partner but do wish she would make the effort she used to. Same with us, we wish he would take that saggy old jumper off, have a shave and slap some smellies on occasionally .. (how many heads are now looking toward the sofa thinking “hell yeah”).

Make the first move ladies, rekindle your dating days by surprising your man and dress up for him tonight. He may well ask “what’s this all about” so just be honest and say your relationship is important to you and you want to remain attractive to each other, if he can have steak at home why would he consider pork pie outside?

If he responds well to your efforts tell him to go and take a shower and put some decent clothes on before he’s allowed to spend time with you, then cuddle up together and remember what it was like to date each other when you always dressed up for your man.

Take Up a New Activity Together

Learning something new with your significant other can be a great bonding experience that will bring the two of you closer together with shared memories and experiences.  Ballroom dancing, for example, has gained much popularity in recent years and is a wonderful way for couples to spend time together.  Once you have learned how to do it, you can take it out on the town as well.  Find something that the two of you can do together and see how great it feels to spend time together.

Try New Restaurants

As simple as it sounds, we often get caught up in routines that have us cycling in and out of the same places week after week.  Changing where you go out to eat can open the two of you up to new experiences, cuisine, and even the possibility of meeting new friends and acquaintances.  Try eating somewhere different each month—you may even find a new favorite place.

Travel

This one can do wonders for your relationship if you do it right.  Traveling, both within your own country and abroad, offers so much to both of you and will enrich your lives together in the process.  Sometimes traveling can be stressful, but do your very best to make sure that your travel experience doesn’t wear on the two of you.  Rather, it should only serve to enhance and grow the bond that the two of you already share.

Make More Time for One Another

In our hectic and fast-paced world, it is all too easy to get caught up in daily life and forget about what’s important in the bigger picture.  Make sure that you spend more time with your significant other so that your relationship stays strong.  Showing that you care through action and words will make sure that the two of you don’t drift apart and will strengthen your relationship in the process.

This post was contributed by Holly McCarthy, who writes on the subject of the best dating sites. She invites your feedback at hollymccarthy12@gmail.com

This list of 10 rules for a healthy relationship is by no means exhaustive but is a good start to building a healthy romantic relationship with your partner.

Whether you have just started dating or are looking for ways to improve your long term relationship these rules should be taken into consideration.

1. Like Yourself

Do you surround yourself with friends you don’t like? Most people choose not to make friends with people they don’t like, so how can anyone like you if you don’t like yourself?! Learn to like yourself so you become someone others like to be around.

2. Choose Partners Wisely

It is easy to get carried away when someone new showers us with gifts or we can’t tell the difference between love and lust but are these good reasons to get into a long term relationship with someone? When choosing a new partner think carefully about them, how do they treat family and friends, would you choose that person to be a friend, are there any aspects of their character that trouble you, do you share values and goals. It is difficult to be so honest with yourself in the first rush of romance but if you are seriously thinking about investing yourself in a relationship with this person it is well worth taking time to explore.

3. Respect

Respect yourself and your partner. Have you ever seen a couple at a dinner party and one is constantly putting the other down in what is meant to be ‘funny’ stories? Or one partner is flirting with everyone in the room and ignoring their partner? This shows lack of respect either for your partner, yourself or both. Respect is essential to a good relationship but must be from both partners.

4. Teamwork

Think of yourselves as a team, you will spend years working, living and loving together. Learn to support each other and use your respective strengths and weaknesses to the advantage of your relationship. All relationships have good and bad times and it is particularly important to stay close and work as a team through the bad times, when you get to the good times again you will be amazed how strong your relationship has become.

5. Maintain Intimacy

Without intimacy relationships drift apart over time and couples can feel bored with each other. Make time to maintain your relationships intimacy. That doesn’t just mean sexual desires, pillow talk is an intimate practice as is a good snuggle on the sofa. Little touches and kisses as you both go about your day help to maintain intimacy.

6. Express Yourself

You may think you are sending signals that will leave your partner in no doubt what you want or need but they are not a mind reader. Whether you are upset about something, need more affection or simply want the couch recovered, you have to let them know verbally. In the long run you will save yourself a lot of hurt feelings because your partner was unable to “guess” what you wanted or needed and it will make them happy because they feel able to give you what you want or need in your relationship. Also if your partner is doing something you don’t like then tell them, don’t just hint and hope they get the message and stop.

7. Learn To Listen

Whether your partner wants to tell you a deep dark secret or just waffle about their day, learn to really listen to them. There is often no need to give an opinion or offer advise, just having someone that really listens to you can strengthen a relationship. When your partner speaks to you try to stop what you are doing and look at them.

8. You Are Not Always Right

Learn the rules for arguing in a relationship and don’t allow hurt feelings to turn into resentment. It is natural to think your point of view is the right one and it is hard to learn that sometimes either you are not right or there simply isn’t a right, just different points of view. Also learn what it is worth arguing about, the toothpaste tube is NOT worth a prologed fight and not speaking for a week!!

9. Say Sorry

Don’t allow pride to stand in your way, if you realise you were wrong about something then say sorry. All relationships have arguments but to have a happy relationship you must be willing to kiss and make up. Consider the importance of the argument, if it was about the toothpaste tube and you feel you were right what is the problem with apologising anyway just to finish the fight and get to the kissing part?!

10. Be Spontanious

This doesn’t mean you have to whisk them off to Paris or go bungie jumping but routine can become boring. If you know your partner will cook spag bol every Wednesday night or always washes the car at 10am Sunday morning then life becomes monotonous and it’s easy for one or both partners to look outside the relationship for a little excitement. Alter your routine sometimes, wake up on Sunday morning and decide to go to a flea market or walk in the park with bare feet. Do small unexpected things to surprise your partner and keep them interested in you as a person.

Your thoughts and emotions are your own, your Partner cannot feel them or experience your emotions. You can say one hundred times a day that you love your partner but if you then beat them once a day those words become hollow and unbelievable.

Your partner cannot guess how you feel about them and they may be unconvinced by your declarations of love, so it is important in a healthy relationship to show your love.

Here are 5 ways you can easily show your partner you love them:

1. Don’t overdo the affection …. sounds like a strange thing to say but it’s easy to slip from affection to habit. A kiss on the lips or cheek at 7:42 every morning is simply habit and does not show love. Don’t allow your relationship to get into a routine or affection becomes mechanical. Go on be daring, have sex on the sofa on Tuesday night instead of every Saturday in bed.

2. Be playful …. life is very short and most of the time quite mundane, so play with your partner. Be spontaneous sometimes, just grab them and kiss them or pinch their bum as they walk by. While your partner is discussing something unimportant start to undress them, they may be a little shocked but just look into their eyes and say “I can’t help myself, I love you”.

3. Respect your partner. Your partner may hate lace curtains or leather sofas but because they loves you they will put with them but you both live in the same home so if you want to show your love you will compromise for something you can both enjoy living with.

4. Discuss your thoughts about your relationship, don’t allow things to get bottled up inside you if your partner is doing something you don’t like. By discussing it with them, while hugging them on the sofa, you are showing you care about them and your relationship.

5. Share, share, share!! Share the household tasks, share some of your leisure time and share your love by drawing them a bath or giving them a massage … in other words share yourself.

For those of us that are alive and kicking arguments do happen in relationships, however it is necessary to understand the rules of arguing. A constructive shouting match can help clear the air but beware the destructive fighting for fightings sake.

Here are 6 rules for healthy arguments in a relationship:

1. Pick Your Fights

It is totally pointless arguing about anything your partner cannot change (eg your relationship with your mother, your partners snoring or because you think their boss is better looking than you are). These arguments are fighting for the sake of it, consider whether these are issues you are willing to lose your partner over, because if you argue constantly about such issues it may just come to that.

Be very aware of what is causing you to fight, money is the number one reason couples argue but the fights may be about the loo seat being left up or mud on the carpet. Money concerns cause underlying stress that can manifest in couples arguing over the silliest things. If you find yourselves arguing regularly consider whether the fights are really about money worries and if so it is time to sit down quietly and produce a manageable household budget, if necessary get help with this.

Only start an argument if there is an issue that can be resolved.

2. Choose Your Words

It is easy to get carried away when you’re angry but once said words cannot be taken back. Do not say anything you do not mean, avoid personal insults and don’t use it as an opportunity to belittle your partner. Calling your partner a fat slob or useless in bed is not going to resolve anything or improve your sex life.

It is difficult not to throw personal insults around, particularly where jealousy is involved but these types of remarks are not easily forgotten and can cause long term damage.

3. Stay Focused

The only good reason to have an argument is to resolve an issue, not simply to sling mud and get ten years worth of annoyances off your chest. Once you get off the topic of the fight nothing will be resolved, your partner will simply switch off and feel picked on. If you spend every argument listing your partners faults they will eventually wonder why you bother staying with them and this will eventually lead to them considering leaving. If your partner begins an argument to get a point across don’t change the subject and bring up things your partner is doing wrong, this just leads to tit for tat fighting and achieves nothing but bitterness.

4. The Past is the Past

Do not drag past mistakes or fights into a your current argument. This is not easy to do, particularly for women but it really achieves nothing. If your partner is running up debts you fear you cannot pay then an argument may clear the air but including shouting about the time they flirted with your friend at a party five years ago is not going to help your cause.

5. Walk Away

This does not mean ignore your partner and simply walk away from the issue, that resolves nothing and will simply make your partner feel “unheard”. However if you feel you are getting too angry and may say something you will regret then walk away, tell your partner you need to calm down a bit but the conversation is not finished. This takes a little practice but really is better than allowing your anger to get out of control. If your partner says they need time to calm down then allow them to walk away and calm themselves, don’t keep the argument going.

6. Apologies

Never feel you should apologise for making your issue known but do apologise for anything unfair you say in the heat of the moment and for fighting rather than discussing. Allow your partner to apologise for starting a fight but you should also say sorry if your partner is correct to be angry about the issue. Ensure your partner knows you have heard them and either agree or disagree with them but ensure both of you reach an agreement before you kiss and make up.

There are also some excellent tips for how to have a healthy argument here.