The trouble with envy is it is unrealistic because we see everyone else’s life through our own imagination rather than the reality of their life and unfortunately we judge others by our standards of happiness.

I picked this photo because it is one I feel envious of, she is clearly relaxed, has a beautiful figure and seems to have everything I want …. but what about reality? Perhaps she has to starve herself to look that good, maybe she is in a very unhappy marriage or someone she loves has a terminal illness.

These are the things we don’t look at when we view others lives through our eyes. If we are single we are evious of married people or if we are married we long for our single carefree days.

A friend of mine posted the following ditty on my dating site forum today (it is translated from Dutch so doesn’t quite flow but I feel sure you will get the idea). It certainly made me stop and think, perhaps it will have the same effect on you?

Whilst it is about women and envy it can no doubt be just as true for men, learn to love yourself and accept your life as it is ….. that is the key to happiness.

If you are rejoining the dating game then before dating people try to get to grips with yourself and learn first to appreciate your life as it is.

I have a job
I’m always tired
I’ll manage on my own
do everything by myself
children, housework, cooking
repairs, I can do everything
What are they complaining about?

I don’t have a job
I’m very busy
with children and care
my house is clean, social is my middle name
I always lend a helping hand
Babysit for other children
What are they complaining about?

I have a boyfriend,
we do many things together
together with the children
He is as a second dad
Together we build
a new life
What are they complaining about?

I am single
do everything alone
I really don’t want
to adjust to a man
I don’t need one
It is good the way it is
What are they complaining about?

I will wait for the right one
never go out
Spent all my time on the children
They miss so much in life
I don’t want to bother them
What are they complaining about?
with then this and then that man

I’m a party animal
I’m alive
A man can do everything
So why not me?
The important thing is to enjoy yourself
Makes me a better mother too
What are they complaining about?

I don’t seem to be able to get a man
No matter what I try
A drunk is no good
Where do you find the good ones?
What am I doing wrong?
I am a good wife.
What are they complaining about?

I can’t go anywhere
without being harassed
by imbeciles and stupid men
sex is all they want
the true me, they don’t see
I want a normal contact
What are they complaining about?

Moral off the story?

• We are all complaining
• We are all different
• But envy is killing us all

It was about three years ago, having spent the previous few years alone, that I stumbled upon a dating site while googling some un-remembered and probably weird subject to ease my boredom! It was the ‘Free to join’ and ‘Guaranteed partner within 6 months’ type of statements that had me completing the profile questionnaire with a growing sense of excitement…

My first major lesson was that ‘Free Membership’ was just that… free membership!! It wasn’t free to contact anyone though, or reply to a message or to even participate in the forums! I wasn’t against paying… it was just the misleading banners they used to draw me in that I took offence to! So off I went to find a dating site that that was more suited to my needs.

Now it was time to tackle the profile… sooo many questions and my brain decides right then to have a wee nap and my literary masterpiece becomes nothing more than… “Hi! I’m single. I don’t want to be single. I’m looking for a partner. I’m very interesting. Can you use a washing Machine?”

And then the ‘uploading photos’ part appears and I’m gripped with a fear… HEEEEEELP! If I was going to meet this immensely beautiful woman and it wasn’t going to cost me a penny… then these odd photos that I had littered around my desktop were suddenly quite important! OMG! What pictures do I upload??
Er… this one makes me look totally bald but reasonably muscly!
Ooooh! that one with a false but friendly smile might just do it!
er.. erm…. or I could just Google ‘male model, a quick cut’n'paste and hey presto I’m suddenly gorgeous!

And what the hell am I supposed to put in these boxes that are asking me all about my current lifestyle? I’m bored stiff, feel incredibly lonely and if I could find a life I’d be more than willing to give it some style!

Although I’d say that I was a streetwise type of guy, I have to admit that Computer Dating became an eye-opener! This was a totally different ball-game… a minefield of unexpected stuff like fake-profiles, Scammers and ‘THE MODS’!! What is going on with these weird Moderator People? or should I say PC Police? lol I look at my previous posts sometimes and wonder did I really make a typo like ‘Feck it’? *makes a mental note to replace spell-checker!!

Once over the  hurdles and some valuable lessons had been learnt, it was time for me to find this gorgeous girl who was out in cyberland… I conducted a search for all girls aged between 19 and 20, photo a must and profile must contain words like ‘gagging for it’! My search turned up nothing and I scratched my head in bewilderment… maybe I was being to fussy and tried expanding the age range from 19 to 21!

I tried mailing women who had a pretty face or had saucy profiles but rarely got a reply and the ones I did get were strangely suggesting I needed a personality transplant! I was close to giving up but luckily I had a sudden brain-wave… I’d post something in the forums! Jeeze.. Scary times!! I posted a ‘Hello, I’m new’ kind of thread and very quickly found myself replying to peoples posts! It was awesome and I was amazed at how quickly I made friends… I had been trying too hard, just expecting a female to be attracted to my pic or profile rather than my personality!

Once I had finally got talking to a nice girl, it became time for my next hurdle… THE MEET! Now that really was terrifying! I was aware that I had used only the best possible photos for my profile and that on a very good day I may look a wee bit like them! I headed off to Edinburgh Station feeling sick! This girl was gorgeous, a proper stunner and she was going to be sooo disappointed in me! Why was I putting myself through this hell? Rejection just has to be one of the worst emotions I deal with and here I was setting myself up for a huge kick in the nuts!

I didn’t notice her when all the passengers came teaming from the carriages and nearly had a heart attack when this guy came up to me and announced that he was Shirley! It was only when he spoke that I noticed he had a very high voice… OK maybe it was a female but the facial hair? and where did the lovely white teeth go? In fact this just wasn’t the girl I had seen in the pics! I had no choice but to take her back to mine where we spent a very uncomfortable 3 days in separate bedrooms. I did go on to meet a lovely girl but it was a long-distance relationship and unfortunately didn’t work out after 9 months.

Here’s a few lessons I learnt while using dating sites…

1.  My profile had ‘desperate’ written all over it.
2.  Photo’s are just a rough guide to a persons appearance.
3.  Scammers want to have lots of sexy-time with me.
4.  Mods are from another planet.
5.  MSN/Cam-chat before meeting.
6.  Don’t assume nothing.
7.  Free is not always free.
8.  On first date… Do not arrange for one to stay at the others house.
9.  Use recent photos.
10. Have fun and use the forums.

So to cap it all… It took me a while to find a site that suited me, the forums became a huge help in my search for both friendships and love and most importantly I acquired a whole new section of my life that I am very grateful for! I’ve been a member with Country Couples since January 08 and I’ve yet to find another site that is as friendly and welcoming.

Xander

No doubt each generation feels the same, we date in our younger years then enter a long term relationship but when we find ourselves on the singles market again everything seems to have changed.

During the past two decades women in our society have been learning that saying you are looking for a “long term relationship” is tantamount to a marriage proposal on a first date.

This attitude still exists, just two days ago I sat with a male friend discussing our hopes, dreams and ideal future partners. When I explained what I would ultimately like for myself in the future he immediately pointed out that he could not be that man.

Why on earth would he feel the need to point that out, do I have desperate and looking for anyone that will have me tattooed on my forehead? I thought I was just discussing my thoughts with a friend, I really found it a little insulting but put it down to natural male reaction these days.

However there is a flip side to this attitude. Women now know the general rule that men run a mile when they hear a woman say she is looking for a life partner and not just a good time. That means that men looking for a long term relationship are met with women trying to sound happy to remain single in order not to frighten them off.

Here is the dilemma for dating in your 40′s, most people will spend a period of time after the break up of their marriage playing the field but at some point they miss having a real partner and the comforts of home life. This is when they find that dating has become a minefield of guesswork, no longer ruled by a set dating etiquette.

My advice is to be honest about what you are looking for, many people are happy to date and stay single but there are also those, both male and female, looking for a long term relationship. There is nothing wrong with either attitude and it is much better to date people that are looking for the same thing.

I simply didn’t trust myself to leave a response, what a dreadful generalisation and more than a little bigoted. However, it did spur me on to write a post I have been meaning to write for some time.

Newslflash ladies, not all men are cheating, inconsiderate, only after one thing, fibbing barstewards!!

Having gone from online dater to online dating website owner I have had a chance to sit back and observe. It has been an interesting learning experience and I feel just a little ashamed of myself (not a lot but a little).

Many men that join my website complain that dating websites have simply become forums for women of a certain age to man bash. This is not really too surprising, many sites are full of men who have no intention of doing anything but playing the field, some are also married looking for adulterous fun but the same can be said for some women on dating sites. Perhaps they are trying to recapture the fun they had dating in their younger days, when people they dated were fun and not ‘interviewing’ them as potential life partners.

It seems ironic that women objected for so many years to sexist remarks and being labeled by our gender, style of dress or hair colour and yet we appear to have simply turned the tables.

In the same way that jokes about boobs and blondes were usually in fun, our jokes about men and their “small brain” are equally not intended to offend. However, remember the days of sexist jokes ladies, we found the first couple funny but they wore thin after ten minutes and an hour of unrelenting sexist jokes later we took the huff.

Men no doubt feel the same way but once we get the bit between our teeth we usually don’t know when to stop. I now watch men join in with the joke for the first ten minutes, then go quiet and then start to show signs of offense. As a woman that likes men to be men (whatever that means these days) I find it a little strange but do accept we, women, have spent the past two or three decades instilling this attitude into men.

Women wanted men to find their feminine side, to understand that it is offensive to generalise about us and treat us as equals. It seems we simply lowered ourselves to their level, we now take the jokes too far because we enjoy the banter. Some women now actively seek out one night stands, have affairs or verbally bash men at every opportunity, making assumptions about what they are looking for.

Confession, at times I am as bad as the rest of the 40 something women that “man bash” and assume all men think with their small brain. Whilst I certainly don’t agree with or fit in to the quoted description above of women in their 30′s or 40′s, I do see a grain of truth of in it, I have indeed become cynical.

To be fair to myself, I am fully aware that there are some nice genuine men out there but rather than give everyone the benefit of the doubt I approach every new person I meet with the attitude of “prove me wrong”.

This attitude has come from over a quarter of a century of dating (gosh it’s frightening when you say it that way), with my share of players, liars, cheats and all round nutters. Yet to be fair most men my age have been through exactly the same experiences, with money grabbing, cheating, lying women.

Perhaps it is time for a ceasefire and we accept that while we do not like being generalised about, neither do men. I declare an amnesty between the sexes, I shall now stop jumping to conclusions about people based on their gender and hope they will do the same for me. I also hope men will begin to understand that jokes generalising about men and their inability to be faithful or think about anything other than sex are exactly that, jokes.