This is a question I was asked recently and finding just one gem of dating advice which covers every couple, whether newly dating or in a long term relationship, wasn’t easy.

I dismissed the dating advice on how to meet someone and fall in love, this often happens naturally, even when we don’t expect it, as doesn’t cover people already in long term relationships.

Much of the relationship advice I would give is for married couples or people in long term relationships, so this doesn’t cover those in the early dating stage.

Hmmmm, one dating tip to cover everyone in a relationship .. ok here it is ….

Never go to bed angry, always make up before you go to sleep.

Whether you live together or apart, always make up after a fight before you both go to sleep.

This isn’t a relationship tip about romance or sentiment, it’s about science.

Sleep experts tell us that while we sleep we file away the days events. Our brains don’t sleep when our bodies do, they process the days events and stabalise our memories.

Stabalising our memories makes them stronger, it’s how we remember things. Think of it like a filing cabinet, as we sleep we file away our memories for future reference.

This means if the girl at the supermarket checkout smiled and was nice to us we will file it away a pleasant experience. Two weeks later you may not consciously think about the pleasant experience in the supermarket but you will find yourself returning to the same supermarket and same checkout girl. Your sub-conscious remembers her as a pleasant experience.

In relationships we all argue sometimes, we say harsh words we really don’t mean and we usually respond in kind.

Think of a time you have gone to sleep angry. Remember as you begin to wake up the next morning feeling great but as you become fully awake you begin to remember the fight yesterday, the hurt feelings and the anger toward your partner?

If the last thing we think about before we sleep is our hurt feelings, a battered self image or feeling unloved then as we sleep those experiences will be filed away and solidified.

On the other hand, if we make the effort to make up (well we know we will eventually so why not do it now) then the last memory we file away about our partners will be pleasant, comforting and loving ones. When we wake up our memories of our partner will be happy and loving.

This doesn’t mean keeping our partner awake until 4am, when they have to get up at 7 for work, analysing every detail of your relationship. Just suck it up, say sorry and make up. Whether you roll over, say sorry and hug your partner or give them a quick call before you sleep, it’s so important not to sleep upset.

There are certain rules for a healthy relationship and also rules for arguing in a relationship which we should all try to put into practice.

Amid the forest of relationship tips and dating advice I really feel this is the one I would like all couples to take on board because it works on a subconscious level and we have no real concept of the damage we can do to our relationships if we go to sleep hurt or angry.

This is my best relationship tip, what’s yours?

I am often asked how to deal with rudeness on online dating sites and after the first date.

There are three distinct catagories of dating rudeness I can think of and while they vary in degree they are all unnecessary and are definate dating don’ts.

For reasons known only to themselves some people think that because you are virtually anonymous on an online dating site it gives you the freedom to be rude to people.

Politeness costs nothing, only a moment of your time and in some cases makes you the bigger/better person.

If you have experienced any other forms of rudeness with online dating please leave a comment and let us know about your experiences.

Rude Messages

I have experienced this first hand when I was dating online, receiving messages asking if I was really that fat/tall/boring/sarcastic or whatever.

There are also the messages that tell you what’s wrong with you .. yes people actually browse online dating profiles and send messages to say what they don’t like about you!

People … get a life. There are millions of people online you will not be attracted to, so just click the next button and move on.

What this says about you is you can’t get a date for love nor money so you need to ‘act out’ your frustrations by trying to make others feel as low about themselves as you do.

If you receive any messages like this, delete them .. this is your dating don’t .. don’t respond. Do not give a second thought or wonder why a total stranger would think these things about you .. it’s their problem not yours.

This is basically an extention of the comments you see on blogs, I don’t mean ones that constructively disagree with your post but the ones that just say this is sh*t or describe what they want to do with their private parts.

This is not unique to the internet, you hear it on radio talk shows and read it in letters to editors. Some people clearly have mental frustrations which they release in any anonymous fashion they can.

If you don’t like something then move on, nobody can write something everyone will love and agree with and nobody can be attractive to everyone of the opposite gender.

Perhaps our society has fostered this rudeness by it’s ever widening freedom of speech? I know my mother taught me that if I can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.

If you get these messages and feel the need to react in any way then use the dating sites forum and start a thread called Get a Life .. post their messages on the thread and shame them into stopping because I bet they aren’t just doing it to you.

Ignoring Polite Approaches

This is when you take the time to browse profiles and find the  courage to send that first polite introductory message.

You then wait … and wait … and wait.

It’s like life before the internet (if, like me, you can remember that far back) when someone you were dating said they will call but when they don’t you go to check the dial tone on the telephone in case it’s broken.

It really would have been kinder just to call and say thanks but I’m not interested in dating you again.

Most online dating services will allow you to save message templates. It only takes a moment to respond with a saved message saying “thanks for your message, I’ve checked out your profile but don’t feel we have enough in common but I wish you luck in your search”.

This politely but firmly lets the sender know you are not interested but doesn’t leave them in limbo wondering if you have read their message and will reply.

Remember the saying .. treat people as you would like them to treat you.

After the First Date

So you’ve chatted for a while and decide to meet for a first date. After lunch you say your goodbye’s and tell them you will speak soon, knowing you have no intention of seeing them again.

They send a quick text or message later that day to thank you for the date and they hope to hear from you soon.

You delete it and forget you ever heard their name. Unless they were offensive on your date, that is simply rudeness.

Ok so you thought they were boring, weird, too flirtatious or you simply didn’t find them attractive but remember that you were interested enough to arrange to meet them, so they can’t be all bad.

They are a person with feelings and an ego, just like you. Ask yourself, wouldn’t you prefer to be told thanks but no thanks instead of being ignored?

Conclusion

If you find it necessary to write rude or offensive messages to strangers then you have serious confidence problems and need professional help to deal with your internal issues.

Ignoring people that make a polite effort to communicate with you is arrogance. They may be trying to date out of their league or you may just get too many approaches to be bothered dealing with them all (lucky you) but how much effort does it really take to click a button and let someone know you aren’t interested?!

It may be that you feel uncomfortable saying thanks but no thanks, particularly if you have been communicating for some time but most people feel much better about a rejection than being totally blanked.

This is not someone you plan to meet again so there is no need for embarrassment, just send a short decisive message and let them know they won’t be hearing from you again .. let them move on quickly.

It really is time we get back to be polite people and stop all this rudeness in online dating.

Like a fitness programme, it won’t work by sitting on your sofa and reading books about getting fit or meeting that someone special.

In order to be successful at online dating you have to actively take part, not sit on the side lines and wait for someone special to happen along and pick you for their team.

Passive Daters

These are people that are unsure about even joining a dating site. Perhaps they feel there is still a stigma attached to online dating, they may not believe it can really work, are afraid of rejection, perhaps are not very confident about themselves or simply don’t have a clue what to write about themselves.

Passive daters will fill out the bare bones of a profile, often inserting “will tell you later” or “send me a message and ask me” if they can’t think of an imaginative answer to a question. They are unlikely to put a photo on their profile and very rarely contact other members, instead they sit back and wait for people to contact them .. they will likely even forget they have joined the site unless an email arrives.

Imagine going out on a Saturday night .. you don your best clothes but haven’t bothered ironing them, pop your sunglasses and a floppy hat on and drag yourself out. You go to a bar or restaurant and sit in the corner reading a book waiting and hoping that someone will notice you and stop by your table to say hello.

It doesn’t sound like a recipe for dating success does it? That is the equivalent of a passive online dater and the same result will usually happen .. not a lot, other than disappointment.

You may be lucky and an active dater will stop by and say hello but why would an active dater contact someone with a half-hearted profile, no photo and who hasn’t logged into the site for over a month? As they make up less than 20% of the online dating scene the chances of an active dater contacting you are really quite slim.

If you are a passive dater then it’s time to change your ways if you really want to meet someone, have a quick read of why we Brits need to be more like Americans when it comes to dating profiles.

Start by choosing a good dating profile username as this is the first thing other members will see and a username like “Bored & Depressed” may just put them off a little.

Your profile doesn’t have to be written by Shakespeare or make people roll around the floor laughing, it simply has to be informative, a reflection of who you are. If you’re not sure where to start then get searching and read other peoples profiles, find ones you find interesting and work out what makes them stand out from the crowd.

Upload a recent photo, statistics show that having a profile photo improves your chances of dating success ten fold. Even if you mark it as private so it can’t be seen by everyone but at least other members will know you have a photo so if they contact you there is a chance of seeing it.

Profile Photos are so important I write about them a little too often, check out mistakes women make with profile photos and mistakes men make with profile photos, it can mean the difference between finding that someone special and being overlooked so why not make a little effort and get a good photo for your profile.

Now start searching profiles, find people you like the sound of and send a message saying hello. Some people will initially send a flirt or add someone to their friends list to get the other person to come and read their profile and hopefully reciprocate .. I call this the peek a boo game and don’t recommend it but it’s better than not contacting people. It is better, if you have the confidence, to simply send them a message introducing yourself and always say something or ask a question that shows you have read their profile, not just looked at the photo.

Active Daters

This isn’t a polite term for a serial dater, out every night with someone new. An active dater believes online dating can work, they often know someone that has met their partner online and they actively go after what they want .. to meet someone to date.

They will take time to write an informative and interesting profile, often editing their profile from time to time. Their profile will display a current photo of them (rather than their car or pet) and they will spend time searching profiles and sending messages to people whose profiles they enjoy.

It’s true you have to be a little thick skinned for online dating at times, not everyone will send polite messages or even answer but active daters don’t let this put them off.

Active daters will log in to the site regularly to see who has recently joined, they will send out messages and keep their profile updated. They are also much more likely to succeed simply because they are making the effort to find what they want.

If you are an active dater you may not be meeting as many people as you would like to online but you are over half way there, you are putting in the time and effort. If this isn’t getting the results you were hoping for then ask yourself if you are on the right dating site for you, how to choose a good online dating service is written for first timers but has some good tips if you think you may be on the wrong site.

Please learn the art of rejection, nobody likes a rejection but there is a way to do it nicely and it’s better than being ignored completely. Be polite and friendly when online dating, whether you are a passive or active online dater.

Some single men have admitted to wearing a wedding ring in order to attract women, they do not need to get emotionally involved and can limit the time they spend with a woman.

The obvious question for these women is ‘why not just date a single man?’

When you talk to these women their answers are invariably that they do not want ties or baggage, dating married men means they can pick and choose when they see them without the hassle or dirty socks.

They also lose no time in stating they are not the ones committing adultery. It makes me ask them if they recognise adultery is wrong then why are they an active party to it. They laugh at me and quickly repeat they are not the ones doing anything wrong.

These are confident women that can provide for themselves, they don’t need a husband or children to make their life complete, so an affair gives them exactly what they want without the baggage.

The next obvious question is ‘but what about the families you are breaking up?’

Here their logic eludes me, they say they can’t break up a family because if the marriage was happy the men would not be searching online dating sites for an adulterous affair.

Certainly you can’t argue with that point, these men are responsible for their own actions but surely the ladies need to take some responsibility for making themselves available only to married men and therefore threatening a marriage, happy or not.

It seems to me it is simply a way to shift the blame, to be the innocent party without ties or responsibilities and it must therefore be all his fault. The idea that their seeking out these men is in fact a part of the process and problem is rejected, as this would mean what they are doing is wrong.

When asked about entering into relationships that are doomed to fail because the man is not available these ladies will insist that the men are available, they make themselves available by putting themselves on the market.

There is a website that has been running quite successfully for the past two years which provides, for a fee, everything you need for a fake alibi including hotel and flight bookings, work seminars and they even man the telephone in case your other half calls. The ironic part is that they also offer private investigation services to catch your partner cheating. However, services like this cannot survive if there is no demand for them so someone must be paying for the services.

I find it all a little sad, that anyone would actively seek a married person to have a casual relationship with, it sounds rather like a business contract.

Perhaps these women have been hurt or used and are going for revenge? I admit I do not understand their motives but what surprised me in these conversations is that they are vibrant confident women and I did feel they were selling themselves short.

However the dangers, however remote, are very real and in bringing this issue to your attention I hope you will consider how you display your child or childrens photos while online dating.

As a dating website owner I often see parents proudly displaying their childrens photo’s on their dating profile. These are usually holiday shots, as that is a happy time you spent with your children and of course you want to show the world your wonderful family.

In reality this in itself poses no threat to the safety of your children, you have ensured you did not mention anything that can be used to trace you on your profile and even if people know what town you live in they are unlikely to go searching around for your particular children.

The problems begin to emerge when you start to get comfortable chatting to someone or to a group in a forum or chatroom.

Please carefully consider these 5 reasons not to put your childs photo on your dating profile where all the world can see them.

1. Online Predators

They are not lurking on every website you visit and their numbers are limited but they do exist. Predators often chat like normal people, they read the safety information too so are unlikely to ignore you and simply ask about your children. However someone that seems genuinely interested in you may casually ask the names of your children, their age or what town you live in. These are natural questions I would also ask a parent but someone with bad intentions can soon glean a lot of information.

Here is an example for you to consider (not a real one and I have used a picture of a child from a non English speaking country freely available on the net):

The parent simply states that her daughter is called Cindy and gives no further information, so no danger there right?

Wrong, it took me 43 seconds with some computer software to find this.

It could have been a number 43 bus or a shop name in the background but if someone wanted to find that child and turn up at school saying “Hi Cindy your Mum sent me to pick you up”, research shows that children are far more trusting if an adult knows their name.

2. Children’s Privacy

Your children want you to be happy, they are desperate for you to be happy but they don’t necessarily want the whole school looking at their photo on a dating site. School kids can be very cruel, as I’m sure we all remember and it just takes your friend to mention in front of his/her kids that you are on a particular dating site and children are bound to go looking.

Children will defend you and see it as your right to look for happiness but if their friends tell them that they are on the photos they will never live it down.

Consider your children’s privacy, they are people in their own right, so ask them if they mind you putting a photo of them on a dating site.

3. Your Children Aren’t Dating

Your profile states that you have children but people initially want to get to know you as an individual, they are not looking to date your children. In any new serious relationship the new partner must be able to get on with your children but this should not be done from day one.

Take time to get to know each other and if you decide to take your relationship further then begin the process of introducing your new partner and children.

4. Your Ex Partner

Is your ex partner aware that their child or children’s photos are being displayed on a dating website? Divorce can often lead to feelings of “I don’t care what they think” but if that parent is still involved with the children then should their feelings about where their children’s photos are shown not be taken into consideration?

For further information about protecting your child(ren) while online dating please read the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (ceopc) website. It is aimed at keeping your child safe while they are using the internet but there is some sobering information in there and of course if you feel someone online is taking an unusual interest in your children then this gives information for where to report it.

You can also report people you are suspicious of on the Think You Know website. This is run in conjunction with the ceopc website. Please do not only think about yourself, if you feel someone is asking too many questions about your children or shows more interest in getting to know them rather than you then please help protect other parents and report it. Better a red faced innocent person than the alternative.

The article has attracted 284 comments, with the latest being added just a few days ago, showing that this is an issue which a lot of people feel very strongly about (considering the average article attracts just a handful of comments, if any at all).

As the article is written about men cheating I will not comment on women that cheat but I just wanted to take exception to a few of the comments in Curt’s article and voice my own opinions. Let’s start with his statement “Because most men and women cheat on their partners at some point in a relationship” …. says who? Have you done a survey in your town and found that “most” admitted to cheating? If so I am very glad I live on the other side of the planet.

Do people cheat, yes of course. How many cheat, who knows? However I believe that at some stage in a long term relationship most will at some point think about it but thinking and doing are two different things, some of us have the ability to just say no.

Next Curt goes on to say “All it means is that at some point, the little head overpowers the big head and men venture into forbidden territory.” Someone pass the sickbag please. It makes me so angry when I hear this pathetic attempt to justify cheating. Are you actually trying to suggest that biologically your brain has no control over your penis and you are therefore incapable of telling yourself that what you are doing is wrong?

In the middle east you hear that if a man has an affair it is the womans fault for tempting him, as though men do not possess the ability to say no. Men, I suggest it is well past time you accept that you only have one brain and it is not in fact in your penis. Get a backbone, get some character and learn to say no to yourself occasionally.

Then Curt goes on to say “When men cheat, it basically means that they are looking for something their girlfriend or wife is not providing. Often times, it comes down to sex.” Oh but of course it must be your wife or girlfriends fault. Have you ever considered why she is no longer so interested in having sex with you? Have you gone from swinging on the chandalier in your batman outfit to a sweating groaning lump of flesh that forgot where her clitoris is located about 2 months after you got married? If you are unsatisfied with your sex life then either do something about it or leave. If you have children to consider then discuss the situation with your wife and decide between you what the best way forward is for the family, perhaps she will agree to you committing adultery?

Next we have “Men also like to explore and try new things.” Pleeease, most of the men I have encountered who have had affairs are boring 9-5ers and the only exploring they ever do is their left nostril while driving to or from work. At least you didn’t try the ‘hunter-gatherer’ argument, which I suppose I should be thankful for.

Which immediately leads on to “The benefit in this case is that once men do cheat, they realize that it is nothing special and probably won’t do it again.” Well hell that makes it ok then!! Please darling go and explore some girls vagina and then come home to me when you realise it’s not as good or different as you thought it might be. And his reaction when I go to explore another man’s small brain would be?

The next paragraph made me laugh quite loudly “The result is that once men are unfaithful, they will lie in bed and think relentlessly about their unsuspecting partner. Why? Because the lust factor has worn away and the reality didn’t measure up to the fantasy. Instead, they remember the good reality; the woman who loves them, bakes them cookies and makes love to them. The old saying “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” says it all.”. Curt that is not a reason to cheat but a damned good one NOT to cheat. If you have any moral fiber at all, you WILL feel guilty, you WILL lie awake at night worrying about it, reality is never as good as fantasy and you can bet if your partner finds out you will have plenty of time alone to wish you hadn’t bothered – so just keep it in your pants and say no.

This is a classic “The most underrated benefit of cheating is that it opens a man’s eyes to the realization that his relationship is no longer nurturing and should be terminated.” OMG now men not only cannot say no to themselves because the evil second brain takes control but they are also too stupid to realise when they are not happy and can only find this out by placing their penis into a strange woman. Sorry do women have some sort of happiness meter tucked away up there that I wasn’t aware of? I shall just go to look … no sorry my meter seems to be missing.

Curt I crown you the king of the generalisation for this “Let’s face it, nothing lasts forever and about 95% of relationships, married or not, end.” Are we back to your survey in your town again? If you google US marriage and divorce rates you will see that 9 out of 10 adults in your country will get married and then the discussions about whether divorce rate is really as high as the suggested 50%, it’s basic maths but perhaps your small brain can’t manage it?

I would also disagree that nothing lasts forever, it seems to me that since the dawn of mankind men have been trying to justify why they cannot or should not be monogamous, it seems that that in itself will last forever.

As for your comment “you will probably have a lot of regrets, especially concerning all the girls you missed out on”, I have to ask why you would commit to a long term relationship if you are certain you will regret it later? Perhaps you haven’t committed to a long term relationship and are speaking as a single guy with commitment issues?

The article concludes “So what did you learn from my point of view? First, that you’ll realize your mistake and appreciate your lover a lot more after the horrible deed. The second is that cheating can help you realize your misery within your current relationship”

So what did you learn from my point of view?

First, that if you are incapable of appreciating your wife or girlfriend without cheating then she doesn’t want you and you simply don’t deserve her, I also hope like hell she finds out and ditches both you and your small brain.

Second, you only have one brain, no honestly go and ask your doctor.

Third, if you can’t tell when you are unhappy then it’s time you started taking more interest in your own life and maybe consider seeing a doctor.

Fourth, as hard as men may try they are simply incapable of coming up with a reasonable justification for cheating – why? Because it’s wrong and no amount of waffle will change that fact.

What I find really sad about this topic is that men have managed to convince some women that they are biologically incapable of saying no, you now hear women say “but they can’t help it” – hello, they have the same brain we do ladies and we can say no (although more and more women are choosing not to), so the truth is simply that they are unwilling to say no.

A first date can find your mouth working before your brain has had a chance to catch up, especially if you don’t have an active social life and the opportunity to discuss things that are troubling you. If need be sit down for half an hour before going on a first date and write out 500 times “I will not discuss these 5 things”.

The following subjects are now taboo for you to discuss with anyone but your family, close friends or psychiatrist.

1. The Ex – your ex is the past and you are trying to embark on your future, so don’t drag your ex with you.

Do not discuss the horrible divorce, their infidelity or the continued battle over money, your date doesn’t want or need to hear about it, they are simply trying to work out if they are attracted to you.

The other side of the coin is praising your ex. I have been on many dates where I have spent a very boring couple of hours listening to how perfect the ex was. She was a brilliant mother, career woman, cook, had the cleanest house in the world, you shared the most amazing sex life, etc. Clearly this woman wore a cape and her knickers outside her tights. Yawn.

Everyone take note – this conversation clearly indicates a lack of basic intelligence on your part. Obviously you were with Wonder Woman/Man and must have been a really bad husband/wife/partner or you would still be with them. Not a great advertisement wouldn’t you agree.

Lastly you have just me that I could never live up to your ex and you are clearly not over them yet. Hey great start, very well done, I’ll just get my coat.

2. Depression or Health Issues – if you suffer from depression or other health issues the first date is not the right time to discuss them. Yes it may be important for your date to find out about if you continue seeing each other but give them a chance to get to know you a little first.

Talking about clinical depression or other illness is simply giving them a reason not to want to see you again, at a time when they are just trying to find out the basics about you. First dates should be a positive experience and not a deep heart to heart conversation.

3. Financial or Career Difficulties – these are personal issues that should never be discussed with a new date. If you talk about them you are sending very negative signals, these issues suggest you do not have control over your life and would make anyone nervous about entering a relationship with you.

Discussing careers should be restricted to general chat, if you hate your career or are currently suing your employer then simply gloss over that when asked about your career and say you are currently looking to change career and then talk about what you would like to do as a career in the future.

This keeps the conversation light and positive, which is always more attractive than hearing about your bitch of a colleague or your bullying boss.

Discussing finances sends all sorts of signals, from “they are loaded and think I just want their money” to “will I have to pay for all our dates if I get involved with them?” or “are they hinting they want me to help them out”. Simply avoid discussing finance at all.

4. Bad Dating Luck – telling someone that you only ever meet wasters or tarts is a very bad idea.

Firstly you are indirectly suggesting they are probably a waster or tart, because that is the only type of person you seem to meet.

Secondly they will question what it is about you that these people are attracted to or what it is about you that seems to be attractive to them.

We all have bad dating experiences and sometimes we have a string of them. Talking light heartedly about the occasional nightmare date is fine but to suggest a string of unsuccessful dates is simply suggesting there is something unattractive about you.

5. Future Relationship Plans – this goes both ways and either can put a new date off.

On a first date discussing going on holiday together or talking about the job prospects in your dates home town just smacks of desperation and a desperate person is not an attractive person. You may be totally smitten on your first date but leave the wedding plans until you at least know a little more about them, specifically if they are also smitten with you.

Also making a big thing about telling your date you don’t ever want to get married or settle down is not at all appealing. You may as well just say “I am not emotionally available but if you fancy a casual affair then I’m your man/woman”. It is also like a red reg to a bull for some people, they become determined to be the one to change your mind so you could be creating the very situation you are trying to avoid.

You may see it as being up front and truthful but it can surely wait until after the first date. If nothing else it is very arrogant to assume that everyone you go on a date with see’s you as potential marriage material.

6. Sex – some people love to talk about it and some don’t like to discuss it at all but on a first date you don’t know how to read them well enough to know when they feel uncomfortable or you have crossed a line.

They may just be discussing the topic because you are, while all the time thinking ‘get me out of here’. It is one thing to be a little flirty and suggestive but discussing your favourite position or an ex partners fetish is a total no-no on a first date, no matter how funny it seems.

Something as simple as recounting a funny story which involves you at some point having sex with someone else is just a total turn off for someone that doesn’t know.

A first date can be electrifying, particularly if you met on an online dating site and have been talking for a while.

That is the joy of a new romance but if you have first date sex then the chase is over before it began.

Most people will tell you that the fun is in the chase and how right they are.

Yes some people are simply interested in casual sex and that suits both parties but a majority of us are looking for something deeper.

Here are 5 simple tips to help you avoid first date sex:

1. Take a lesson from Bridget Jones and go out and buy a pair of first date underwear, believe me it’s only in the movies that anyone would could get passionate with those on. Find the ugliest underwear you can, ones that you would be ashamed to hang on your washing line.

For women, that would be granny knickers with a suck you in tummy, they not only make you look better in that little black dress but will ensure you don’t let him catch the merest glimpse of them.

For men, if there is a man alive that wishes to avoid such a situation, buy some up to the waist y-fronts in chocolate brown with a red or green border, now that would be a passion killer. You may have to hunt for these but sadly they are still out there.

2. Before you go on a date ask a few honest friends whether the line “I will still respect you in the morning” is a big fat lie. Honest friends will tell you the truth and it’s not good news.

You may continue to date, get married and have 2.5 beautiful children but that first date issue will always be there lurking in the back of your mind. It may not be a big issue or ever mentioned again but after ten years of marriage you try openly flirting with someone and count the seconds until it is mentioned.

3. Don’t drink too much. Yes you want to relax, the conversation and wine are flowing but alcohol removes inhabitions and leads us to places we would otherwise prefer not to go. Alternate your drinks with alcohol and something soft.

It is bad enough waking up to a hangover the morning after the night before but waking up to that growing rememberence of first date sex just adds to the headache. Worse still is waking up to a total stranger and realising you don’t have any makeup remover with you and your eyes look like you have been in 2 rounds with Mike Tyson.

4. Do not carry protection “just in case”, the realisation that as much as you want to leap on the new love of your life you also don’t want to create a baby with them on your first date will bring you back to earth with a bump (or certainly no unplanned bump).

In this day and age you would have to be ten kinds of fool to have unprotected sex with a stranger and with Aids on the increase in many countries remember that one night of passion is NOT worth dying for, no matter how good it is.

5. Make arrangement for after your date, so book a taxi or arrange a lift at a certain time, organise for a friend to just happen to arrive in the same bar late at night or ask your Mum to call you at a certain time (calls from Mum will stop passion in its tracks).

This simply puts a plan into place before the date that stops you from getting too carried away. Remember if you enjoyed the first date without first date sex then the anticipation for the second date will be much greater and the thrill really is in the chase.

If those don’t stop you going further than you know you should on a first date then go medieval, buy a chastity belt and leave the key with your mother.

I have spent my whole life going at everything like a bull in a china shop and then of course I get bored and go to do something different. For example I wake up one morning and decide I want to live in a different country, my parents then receive a phone call advising them of my whereabouts (father grumbles in the background about not paying for my flight when I run out of money – but of course he always has done). Careers have been the same way, decide what I want to do and just do it until I change my mind and want to do something else.

So why would I treat my romantic life any differently? To my regret I haven’t, I went at it with the usual gusto and believe me I take no prisoners (or if I do I make sure to torture them slowly). I would go through stages where I would be sick of being single and decide to perform the charge of the light brigade on the poor unsuspecting male population.

This is not a good move, for many reasons the most obvious of which are:

1. Firstly it is an act of desperation and men can sense desperation from a mile away. While we girls did home economics classes in school the guys were off doing ‘how to spot and avoid someone that wants to get married’ classes.

2. The line between romance and lust becomes very blurred and you begin to mistake casual relationships for the ‘real thing’. This is emotionally exhausting and the only person that will get repeatedly hurt in this game is YOU.

3. You invariably end up with someone completely unsuitable, I call it the ‘you’ll do’ dating syndrome. This means you would rather be with just about anyone than by yourself. Then one day you realise you have this god awful relationship you have to extract yourself from.

4. ‘Nice’ guys get scared off and run away very quickly, leaving you with the arrogant philanderers or losers to choose from. Neither group make good long term relationship material.

5. Your energy levels are unlikely to be able to keep up the tempo. When you do settle into a relationship and your hormones drop to normal levels you are no longer the bouncy, bubbly, try anything once girl he met and he soon notices.

So if you wake up one morning with your biological clock beating through your chest and decide you no longer enjoy being free and single, play it a little cool. Take your time and try to begin your search with the attitude you are just looking for a wider social life and if Mr Right happens along then all the better.

Believe me there is much truth in the saying ‘when you stop looking someone will come along’ and this is why, because desperation is a real romance killer.

For a man’s view of desperate women have a read of Brad’s short article in the Little Red Rails Blog

Women are not the only ones guilty of being desperate for a relationship, however despite our enlightened age of equality men still like to be the ones that do the chasing. But guys remember, women are just as put off by someone following them around like a love sick schoolboy and despite the age of equality most women are still looking for their strong alpha male.