Human relationships are never that cut and dried, with human emotions constantly muddying the waters.

Here’s a dating dilemma for you, for your second date the potential person of your dreams invites you for dinner.

The lasagne is burnt around the edges and uncooked in the middle … now be honest, how many of us in that situation are going to say “that was revolting, I think you need to learn to cook”.

This doesn’t mean you have permission to lie just to avoid an argument and no you shouldn’t shave 10 years off your age or 20 kilos of your weight on your online dating profile but there are times a little white lie may be appropriate in a relationship.

Consider the question should I admit I had a one night stand?, for me personally, if my husband makes a single drunken mistake and then feels horribly guilty and knows he will never do it again, then I simply don’t want to know. I don’t want my marriage destroyed over a stupid mistake which is unlikely to be repeated and I know it would just eat away at me if we stayed together.

If, however, he had been seeing someone for the past month I would want to know the truth so I can then decide how I will respond.

For me one is a a total break in the trust I have for him and the other is a stupid mistake I feel sure he would deeply regret and never repeat.

In the dating game you have to consider how far you will get if you always tell the truth … that dress makes you look 10 years older … you’d be really sexy if you lost a bit of weight … of course I’m furious you are 20 minutes late you arrogant git … sorry I’ve got terrible wind, I’m just nipping to the toilet to have a good fart.

Think about these three examples of topics which could cause unnecessary problems if you tell the truth:

1. How many previous partners have you had?

If you have had a lot of previous partners then it would be much better to answer a question with a question and discuss with your new partner how this knowledge could be of any benefit to them, then suggest it’s better to leave the past where it belongs and move forward into the future.

2. Do you wish I had bigger eyes/a smaller nose/longer legs/fuller lips/larger breasts/etc?

The answer to all such questions should always be a resounding “NO, I like you just the way you are”. A partner can put on weight, lose weight, shave more often, change the way they dress, etc., all without having to undergo surgery. When it comes to height, facial features and other characteristics which cannot be changed (other than undergoing surgery) then saying you wish they were different is simply cruel and will obviously have a negative effect on your partners confidence.

3. Are you physically attracted to my best friend/brother/sister/mother?

Admitting you are attracted to someone your partner works with or knows socially but casually, should not be too much of a problem because they are far removed from your partner, so are little threat. However, admitting you are really physically attracted to someone very close to your partner can cause insecurities in your partner. Your partner is unable to detach themselves from this new threat (ie their best friend/sibling/family member) and the only real outcome in admitting such a strong attraction is hurting your partner and causing insecurities.

I’m not advocating telling lies whenever a question doesn’t suit you but we can all use our judgement and decide when a white lie or avoiding answering a question will be less harmful to the person we love or are dating than an honest answer would be.

So the answer to “should I tell the truth” is …. it all depends!!

If so you are certainly not alone. As we get older fear can stop us entering a new relationship because experience tells us it ends badly and we get hurt.

Pain is not something many of us volunteer for, either physical or emotional but in the same way a fear of flying can stop us travelling and enjoying holidays, a fear of emotional pain can stop us enjoying all that relationships and love have to offer.

It can become a phobia, standing on the precipice afraid to look down, all our limbs rigid with the fear of letting go .. so we choose the safe option and step back to our comfort zone of opting for just friendship.

You can tell yourself that you are happier in your safe little bubble but isn’t that how agoraphobia starts? You are not keeping yourself safe but shutting yourself off.

Some people can be quite happy single but many people just find ways to replace the human affection they miss. Getting a pet for hugs, joining a club so they have someone to chat to or leaving the television on even when they are not watching it, just for the company.

To deny yourself love is to deny being human and can lead to many safe but lonely years. What people are afraid of is not love or relationships but of losing it.

Whether you have lost your partner through death, betrayal or they simply stopped loving you, the hurt can be too much for some people and they would rather avoid a repeat performance. Check out these 5 tips for dating after divorce to help you prepare for getting back in the dating game.

Another problem after a long term relationship is you lose the ‘dating’ habit and tend to talk, think and act like one half of a relationship. This can be quite offputting both for the person you are dating and yourself, as dating seems less light hearted and fun.

It may be that you meet someone really special, someone you could easily fall in love with but the fear makes you keep them at arms length, suggesting ‘just friends’ would be better.

This really is not the answer because at some point you are going to need to get back in the game and then you will think back on those lost chances.

You may avoid the hurt that may or may not come but you will definately miss all the good times that come with falling in love and being in a relationship. So why give up a definate because a maybe might one day happen?

If your ‘friend’ starts dating someone you then have to deal with those emotions, perhaps jealousy or loneliness will become a problem for you.

I am not suggesting that the first opportunity that comes along you jump in with both feet, a blindfold on and hope for the best but at some point you are going to need to open up and let someone in .. just a little.

Friends is a good way to start and it is better to let the person know you have feelings for them but are afraid to take it further. This way if they also have feelings for you they are less likely to start dating someone else until you feel confident enough to go that one step further.

Don’t take it too slowly though or they may get bored and look elsewhere, keep them updated with your emotional progress so they know you are trying.

Remember, dating someone is not a proposal of marriage or a lifetime commitment, it’s just two people having fun and getting to know each other, so there is no need to be afraid of relationships or love.

It’s a horrible situation, you have nothing in common and the longer you sit there the more faults you can find with them, you start grinding your teeth as they are talking.

The best option is to tell the truth, just say you are sorry but you don’t feel you have anything/enough in common to continue your date. It’s surprising how you will then relax, finish your drink and casually chat knowing the pressure is off… I have made a few good friends this way.

If you can’t face being honest or hurting their feelings then rather than extend the agony just use one of these get out of a bad date free cards.

Receive a phone call

It’s an old one and your date will know it’s a fib but it gets the message across and you out of there without too much fuss or embarrassment.

Get a friend or family member to call you one hour after you are due to meet your date. Arrange how you will answer the phone, if you like your date you could answer “make it quick, I’m busy” but if you don’t like them try “hey I didn’t expect to hear from you, is everything ok?” .. change the words slightly, they may have read this too.

If it’s a lunch date then you are needed back at work pronto to deal with an irate client/boss, flood, surprise audit or Cindy from accounting’s broken nail.

If a night time date then your friends goldfish, dog, child, husband or second cousin twice removed has just died, had an accident, given birth (perhaps not if its their husband or 6 year old), swallowed the house keys or run away with the circus.

The excuse really doesn’t matter, what matters is that you get the message across that you are cutting the date short and leaving … now!!

Put them off

If you don’t care how many people they tell what a rotten date you are then be a rotten date.

Break every rule for a first date:

a) women be a gold digger .. say things like “I want to go to Barbados on holiday but can’t afford it, hopefully I’ll meet someone soon that will pay for it for me” or “I dumped my last partner because the cheapskate only spent bought me a new car for my birthday and I’m worth so much more” or “so how much do you earn, I hope it’s more than my ex”.

b) men be really cheap .. complain about the prices of drinks, talk about how your ex would waste money on things like make-up, sanitary products or rubbish like sliced bread .. when unsliced bread is just so much cheaper.

b) your ex is a superhero .. talk incessantly about how fabulous your ex was, turn every subject into a story about your ex .. they were gorgeous, caring, talented, great in bed and you just know you will never meet anyone that can match up to them.

c) tell them all about your (hopefully imaginary) illness .. manic depression, schizophrenia, suicide attempts or herpes. Go into gory details about uncontrollable mood swings, ‘voices’ that tell you what to do, stomach pumping or scars and scabs. Preferably do this while you are eating.

d) be arrogant and complain about everything, talk too loudly and complain, complain, complain. Food too organic, drinks too wet, film too loud, weather too weathery, everyone you ever met was an idiot and far inferior to you (not just dates but at work, school, your hairdresser, dentist, etc).

e) be an ‘ist’ .. whether it’s a racist, sexist, ageist or just all round hate everything-ist .. tell your date that you wished you lived in a society where gays and old people are killed off, coloured people were still slaves that know their place, it should be legal for people to beat their kids or ask your date what’s really wrong with paedophilia.

Try one of these and see how long it takes before your date receives a phone call and has to go rescue their friends goldfish from the circus.

Run Away

In absolute desperate situations just be rude and leave, say you are going to the toilet and don’t come back. It’s not a nice thing to leave anyone sitting there but once you get out of the car park call them and say you had to go .. then switch your phone off.

Desperate Measures

If all else fails stuff a load of paper towels in the toilet dustbin and set fire to them .. you may spend a while in prison for arson but you’ll have had the perfect excuse to get out of a bad date.

In large workplaces ‘office romances’ are inevitable but being mature and setting ground rules from the start can save a lot of problems in the future.

It has never been a good idea to date a work colleague, to the point where many companies these days have included something about it in their company policy.

It causes particular problems when one person is superior to the other in authority. Read my experience of dating a work colleague, the companies reaction and how it affected my career.

Even where favouritism is not an issue, if your relationship is known then accusations will usually lead in that direction.

However, love finds us where it can and sometimes we have to make life choices that are not just about our career.

It’s easy to think you can keep the romance until after hours but unless strict ground rules are in place and adhered to then little glances will soon become naughty little emails and giggling behind the water cooler.

After a fight in your relationship there is nothing more obvious and uncomfortable for others than hostility between you at work.

Unfortunately there is a side to office romance that is anything but romantic, you need to sit together and discuss a game plan at the start of the relationship. Remember when you have this discussion you are not only making choices about your love life but about your career too.

Some rules to consider:

1. Establish before you return to work whether you are now in a relationship or whether it was a holiday fling.

2. If it is a relationship then decide whether you are going to let it be generally known in the office or workplace. Should you discuss your relationship with Human Resources or your boss (this will depend on the company and the job posts you both hold).

3. If not then discuss how you should answer any questions should anyone get curious or suspicious and how to handle things if your secret becomes known.

4. If you do choose to make your relationship public knowledge then Keep it Professional. Don’t use your company computers to send love emails to each other, don’t sit in meetings holding hands under the table or meet in the stationary cupboard for a quick snog.

5. Consider other people’s feelings, you may be madly in love and can’t keep your hands off each other but other people are just going about their work and don’t need to be distracted.

6. What will happen if you break up? Nobody gets into a relationship anticipating a break up but they do happen so how will you handle things if your relationship doesn’t work out? Do you work in different departments and can therefore avoid each other or is your secretary suddenly going to start slamming files down on your desk and rushing out in tears?

When asked this question today I was reminded of one of my deep dating regrets.

When I was 21 I was asked out by a man sporting a full beard and I said no. About 4 months later I saw him out with friends, he was clean shaven and drop dead gorgeous …. I have kicked myself for years for being so shallow but it really can make that much difference.

I happen to like goatees, can put up with designer stubble but a full beard is a no for me. I am undecided about a moustache on it’s own.

What is it about full beards that puts me off so much? I think they just suggest old and set in their ways, boring even. I am reminded of Greek philosphers or heaven forbid old American Presidents … strange how the brain associates such things.

For me a beard is something only an old man or biker should consider, otherwise it just suggests boring or lazy. It seems not only men are shallow when it comes to the issue of shaved or not!!

So ladies the question is would you date a man with a lot of facial hair? If not then why not?

Take a look at these different styles of facial hair and beards for men and see which you find attractive and which would put you off dating him.

However I came across this quote by Dr Wayne W Dyer:

“Be miserable or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.”

Dr Dyer is talking about life in general, any event that you have to tackle but of course this also refers to dating and relationships too.

As the owner of a dating website I chat to people all day about relationships, loneliness, heartbreak and moving on after divorce. As well as a traditional dating site we also have an active forum where a group of like-minded friends get together to chat and this is where my love of people watching is fulfilled.

At least 70% of the new members that chat in the forum are over 40 and believe they are destined to be single forever, their chance of love has passed them by.

Of course we all say what nonsense that is and a new love could turn up at any time but I know from experience that once that attitudes takes hold it is hard to shake.

I am always delighted to get emails saying “I have met someone” but last weeks email was even more special than usual. The lady in question was a die hard ‘there is no hope of finding love again’ person, she was utterly convinced that at 46 her love life was over and done with.

We all encouraged her to get out more, to be more sociable and motivate herself to forget about finding a relationship and just try to find some fun. She did exactly that and once she stopped focusing on finding a man, he found her.

You have a choice, sit and be miserable or get out of your current mood and motivate yourself. A happy, fun person will without doubt attract more attention than a dull, life is over person.

Having trouble motivating yourself? Try these 25 ways to motivate yourself and see how easy it is to change your lifestyle.

No doubt each generation feels the same, we date in our younger years then enter a long term relationship but when we find ourselves on the singles market again everything seems to have changed.

During the past two decades women in our society have been learning that saying you are looking for a “long term relationship” is tantamount to a marriage proposal on a first date.

This attitude still exists, just two days ago I sat with a male friend discussing our hopes, dreams and ideal future partners. When I explained what I would ultimately like for myself in the future he immediately pointed out that he could not be that man.

Why on earth would he feel the need to point that out, do I have desperate and looking for anyone that will have me tattooed on my forehead? I thought I was just discussing my thoughts with a friend, I really found it a little insulting but put it down to natural male reaction these days.

However there is a flip side to this attitude. Women now know the general rule that men run a mile when they hear a woman say she is looking for a life partner and not just a good time. That means that men looking for a long term relationship are met with women trying to sound happy to remain single in order not to frighten them off.

Here is the dilemma for dating in your 40′s, most people will spend a period of time after the break up of their marriage playing the field but at some point they miss having a real partner and the comforts of home life. This is when they find that dating has become a minefield of guesswork, no longer ruled by a set dating etiquette.

My advice is to be honest about what you are looking for, many people are happy to date and stay single but there are also those, both male and female, looking for a long term relationship. There is nothing wrong with either attitude and it is much better to date people that are looking for the same thing.

I simply didn’t trust myself to leave a response, what a dreadful generalisation and more than a little bigoted. However, it did spur me on to write a post I have been meaning to write for some time.

Newslflash ladies, not all men are cheating, inconsiderate, only after one thing, fibbing barstewards!!

Having gone from online dater to online dating website owner I have had a chance to sit back and observe. It has been an interesting learning experience and I feel just a little ashamed of myself (not a lot but a little).

Many men that join my website complain that dating websites have simply become forums for women of a certain age to man bash. This is not really too surprising, many sites are full of men who have no intention of doing anything but playing the field, some are also married looking for adulterous fun but the same can be said for some women on dating sites. Perhaps they are trying to recapture the fun they had dating in their younger days, when people they dated were fun and not ‘interviewing’ them as potential life partners.

It seems ironic that women objected for so many years to sexist remarks and being labeled by our gender, style of dress or hair colour and yet we appear to have simply turned the tables.

In the same way that jokes about boobs and blondes were usually in fun, our jokes about men and their “small brain” are equally not intended to offend. However, remember the days of sexist jokes ladies, we found the first couple funny but they wore thin after ten minutes and an hour of unrelenting sexist jokes later we took the huff.

Men no doubt feel the same way but once we get the bit between our teeth we usually don’t know when to stop. I now watch men join in with the joke for the first ten minutes, then go quiet and then start to show signs of offense. As a woman that likes men to be men (whatever that means these days) I find it a little strange but do accept we, women, have spent the past two or three decades instilling this attitude into men.

Women wanted men to find their feminine side, to understand that it is offensive to generalise about us and treat us as equals. It seems we simply lowered ourselves to their level, we now take the jokes too far because we enjoy the banter. Some women now actively seek out one night stands, have affairs or verbally bash men at every opportunity, making assumptions about what they are looking for.

Confession, at times I am as bad as the rest of the 40 something women that “man bash” and assume all men think with their small brain. Whilst I certainly don’t agree with or fit in to the quoted description above of women in their 30′s or 40′s, I do see a grain of truth of in it, I have indeed become cynical.

To be fair to myself, I am fully aware that there are some nice genuine men out there but rather than give everyone the benefit of the doubt I approach every new person I meet with the attitude of “prove me wrong”.

This attitude has come from over a quarter of a century of dating (gosh it’s frightening when you say it that way), with my share of players, liars, cheats and all round nutters. Yet to be fair most men my age have been through exactly the same experiences, with money grabbing, cheating, lying women.

Perhaps it is time for a ceasefire and we accept that while we do not like being generalised about, neither do men. I declare an amnesty between the sexes, I shall now stop jumping to conclusions about people based on their gender and hope they will do the same for me. I also hope men will begin to understand that jokes generalising about men and their inability to be faithful or think about anything other than sex are exactly that, jokes.

A debate regarding this subject is currently going on in my sites forum about the difference between healthy and unhealthy levels of jealousy. Jealousy is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason.

A certain degree of jealousy from our partner can be flattering, it shows they care about us but when it gets out of control without good reason it can be very self destructive and may well end your relationship completely.

Can we control our feelings of jealousy and can we even recognise when those feelings are out of control? Like the drunk that ‘must’ drink but refuses to admit to themselves that they have a problem, are chronically jealous people unable to recognise that their behaviour is destructive?

I would like to share an excellent example of how jealousy can destroy not only a relationship but also how it can effect your partners self esteem, my thanks to Jan for her permission to publish her comments.

“Sometimes a persons own insecurities and how they feel about themselves causes them to feel negative emotions – ie if a person genuinely feels ugly, no amount of compliments about how they look will change their perception of themselves; this can be to a greater or lesser degree … ie a teenager may feel fat – no matter how much friends or relatives reassure the teenager – they eat less and less … they constantly look in the mirror and see a fat person looking back at them; this becomes an illness … an obsessive eating disorder. At this extreme – the individual involved cannot be helped by friendly reassurance or ‘positive’ feedback from people close to them.
The same applies to many areas of a persons psychological make-up – a person who finds it impossible to feel good about themselves can find it equally impossible to believe that they are worthy of love; this may be a mild insecurity that does indeed respond to reassurance … or it can be a deeper insecurity that will be a great burden to them and will manifest itself in a number of ways – jealousy – possessiveness – depression – and will have a detrimental effect on the relationship they are in… their partner, after continually trying to reassure them, and finding no improvement – will start to retreat. Being the partner of someone who does not trust you and watches your every move and needs constant boosting of their ego becomes very wearing and stretches ones patience to its limits. A ‘High maintainence’ relationship like this soon loses it appeal. In a normal, healthy relationship, the mutual reasurances and positive input strengthen the bond between the couple.
However, if one or both of the people involved are suffering from deeper emotional insecurities it is not so simple and the more they reassure each other, the more reassurance is needed … it becomes a destructive relationship.
For example — Tim does not feel good about himself (for whatever reason) and he drinks a lot to help boost his confidence; his partner, Jane, is an attractive lady, confident, hardworking and popular. She thinks the world of Tim and has eyes only for him. He, however, because of his feelings of low self esteem, finds it difficult to accept that someone like Jane truly loves him. He is suspicious of her every move – he gets angry if she speaks to anyone of the opposite sex, he rings her 6 times a day … he over reacts if she is late in from work … Jane wants him to be happy; she repeatedly tells him how much she loves him. She starts to avoid any conversations with men in the pub or out socially. She finds herself looking at the floor in order to avoid being accused of ‘looking at a man’ – She starts to ring Tim as soon as she sets of from work to put his mind at rest … she is feeling the strain of his constant interrogation of her but because she loves him she puts every effort into keeping the peace. However, she starts to feel insulted at his lack of trust in her …. she has never done anything to warrant this constant attack on her faithfulness to Tim … he starts to make her feel that she must be some sort of slut … does she really give Tim the impression that she is ‘up for it’ and is not to be trusted? She finds her self esteem is slowly depleting … she feels anxious about what she wears (is she dressing like a tart?’ )…. anxious about wearing make-up ‘Is she courting male attention?’ and before she knows it, she is in a relationship where she feels every day she is walking on eggshells trying to keep Tim from getting angry. She has stopped going out with friends (Tim interrogates her upon her return) … she has stopped enjoying socialising with Tim (as soon as he has had a few drinks he starts being unpleasant and accuses her of flirting or ‘eyeing up’ some bloke in the pub )…
Jane is half the person she used to be … despite all the effort she put into the relationship, despite all her reassurances, the love, the tenderness… Tim has become worse. Jane now has low self esteem … she feels unworthy of being loved …”

Jealousy in a relationship is more often than not about your own self esteem, not about the actions of your loved one. However they are your loved one, why would you want someone you love to feel bad about themselves, why would you want to be the cause of their low self esteem. Of course you wouldn’t and if you could control your jealousy you would see the effect it is having on someone you love.

If you have a jealousy problem the first step is to admit that your jealousy is a personal issue and something that is both destructive to you and your partner. For help on recognising and dealing with jealousy please check out the links below, they may just save your relationship.

Truth About Deception offers advice about recognising and dealing with your jealous feelings.

It is not only ladies that check mobile phones, go through pockets and throw a fit the moment their partner glances at someone from the opposite sex. Askmen.com has an excellent article offering Top 10: Ways to deal with jealousy it is worth a read if you have a problem keeping your jealousy under control.

Jealousy can get out of control, so if you are aware that you are acting in an unhealthy jealous way but feel unable to control it yourself then please visit your doctor and ask to be referred to a psychologist. That doesn’t mean you are weak, mad or a bad person, it simply means you have an emotion that you are finding hard to deal with. Imagine how good your self esteem, life and relationship could be if you could rid yourself of your irrational jealousy.

If you are in a relationship with a jealous partner and are not behaving in a way that should result in jealousy then try to talk to them, read about jealousy and what causes that level of jealousy to emerge. Urge your partner to seek help for the sake of you both, whether that is through a self help programme or a professional. However do not allow their irrational emotion to cause your self esteem to falter, this is a ‘them’ issue and no amount of trying to change on your part is going to stop their need for constant reassurance or feelings of jealousy.

What is wrong with saying I want a partner that can provide a certain standard of living? It wouldn’t suit me because I am a romantic and need an emotional connection but not everyone is the same.

Marrying for money is no longer a taboo subject, there is an interesting discussion on ivillage about it. There are even dating sites that cater for people with money and those looking for someone with money. It seems a little mercenary but throughout human life people have married for money.

The first millionaire dating site I came across on google was Seeking Millionaire which I found hilarious as they advertise as free dating (one has to wonder why a millionaire would require free dating services). I also found their home page content a little nauseating, it states “100% FREE for attractive singles” which rather suggests they vote on whether you are good looking enough to get a free service or are too ugly and need to pay. Whatever floats your boat. There are so many of these dating sites now I do wonder how many are full of people looking for a rich partner but no actual rich members – I shall leave it to you to find out and tell me.

If you are one of those people that would say they are just prostituting themselves then I would ask you, would you marry someone without a home or job or any prospects of getting either? Maybe you would if they were your special someone but wouldn’t you ever ask yourself if they married you for the lifestyle you offered them?

Certainly in the UK these relationships have always been perceived in certain ways. There is the young beautiful dolly bird married to the older rich guy or the gorgeous jigalo married to the older woman and we usually shake our heads in disbelief and say such things as “surely they must know they wouldn’t be interested if he/she didn’t have money”.

Of course they know this and they are perfectly happy with the situation. You may be looking for that special someone, your soul mate, your one true love but quite frankly they aren’t. Perhaps they have given up looking, maybe they simply aren’t that interested in romance and are content with a marriage that suits their needs.

This is the wonderful thing about human life, we are all different, we all want different things and there really is someone to suit everyone. To you it may seem cold and shallow to say “I’m rich and want a gorgeous partner to make me feel good about myself” or “I’m gorgeous and looking for a rich partner that I can make feel special”.

The fat old bald guy married to the young model with big boobs isn’t looking for interesting conversation and someone to share his worries with, he may be a workaholic and prefer someone that will be out shopping all day so he doesn’t have to give them a second thought. Is it shallow, yes of course but all relationships are built on compromise and for them they each get what they feel they need from a relationship.

What you must do though is ask yourself have you got what the other person wants. If you are loaded then the answer is yes. Though if you are the one looking for a partner with money you must be realistic, they usually look for one thing and that is pure physical beauty and unless you have it then best forget your dreams of yachting in St Tropez and buying diamonds at Tiffany’s.

It’s certainly not cup of tea but if it’s yours a google search for book how to marry the rich brings back 1088 results, so someone must be doing it.