I am often asked how to deal with rudeness on online dating sites and after the first date.

There are three distinct catagories of dating rudeness I can think of and while they vary in degree they are all unnecessary and are definate dating don’ts.

For reasons known only to themselves some people think that because you are virtually anonymous on an online dating site it gives you the freedom to be rude to people.

Politeness costs nothing, only a moment of your time and in some cases makes you the bigger/better person.

If you have experienced any other forms of rudeness with online dating please leave a comment and let us know about your experiences.

Rude Messages

I have experienced this first hand when I was dating online, receiving messages asking if I was really that fat/tall/boring/sarcastic or whatever.

There are also the messages that tell you what’s wrong with you .. yes people actually browse online dating profiles and send messages to say what they don’t like about you!

People … get a life. There are millions of people online you will not be attracted to, so just click the next button and move on.

What this says about you is you can’t get a date for love nor money so you need to ‘act out’ your frustrations by trying to make others feel as low about themselves as you do.

If you receive any messages like this, delete them .. this is your dating don’t .. don’t respond. Do not give a second thought or wonder why a total stranger would think these things about you .. it’s their problem not yours.

This is basically an extention of the comments you see on blogs, I don’t mean ones that constructively disagree with your post but the ones that just say this is sh*t or describe what they want to do with their private parts.

This is not unique to the internet, you hear it on radio talk shows and read it in letters to editors. Some people clearly have mental frustrations which they release in any anonymous fashion they can.

If you don’t like something then move on, nobody can write something everyone will love and agree with and nobody can be attractive to everyone of the opposite gender.

Perhaps our society has fostered this rudeness by it’s ever widening freedom of speech? I know my mother taught me that if I can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.

If you get these messages and feel the need to react in any way then use the dating sites forum and start a thread called Get a Life .. post their messages on the thread and shame them into stopping because I bet they aren’t just doing it to you.

Ignoring Polite Approaches

This is when you take the time to browse profiles and find the  courage to send that first polite introductory message.

You then wait … and wait … and wait.

It’s like life before the internet (if, like me, you can remember that far back) when someone you were dating said they will call but when they don’t you go to check the dial tone on the telephone in case it’s broken.

It really would have been kinder just to call and say thanks but I’m not interested in dating you again.

Most online dating services will allow you to save message templates. It only takes a moment to respond with a saved message saying “thanks for your message, I’ve checked out your profile but don’t feel we have enough in common but I wish you luck in your search”.

This politely but firmly lets the sender know you are not interested but doesn’t leave them in limbo wondering if you have read their message and will reply.

Remember the saying .. treat people as you would like them to treat you.

After the First Date

So you’ve chatted for a while and decide to meet for a first date. After lunch you say your goodbye’s and tell them you will speak soon, knowing you have no intention of seeing them again.

They send a quick text or message later that day to thank you for the date and they hope to hear from you soon.

You delete it and forget you ever heard their name. Unless they were offensive on your date, that is simply rudeness.

Ok so you thought they were boring, weird, too flirtatious or you simply didn’t find them attractive but remember that you were interested enough to arrange to meet them, so they can’t be all bad.

They are a person with feelings and an ego, just like you. Ask yourself, wouldn’t you prefer to be told thanks but no thanks instead of being ignored?

Conclusion

If you find it necessary to write rude or offensive messages to strangers then you have serious confidence problems and need professional help to deal with your internal issues.

Ignoring people that make a polite effort to communicate with you is arrogance. They may be trying to date out of their league or you may just get too many approaches to be bothered dealing with them all (lucky you) but how much effort does it really take to click a button and let someone know you aren’t interested?!

It may be that you feel uncomfortable saying thanks but no thanks, particularly if you have been communicating for some time but most people feel much better about a rejection than being totally blanked.

This is not someone you plan to meet again so there is no need for embarrassment, just send a short decisive message and let them know they won’t be hearing from you again .. let them move on quickly.

It really is time we get back to be polite people and stop all this rudeness in online dating.

Like a fitness programme, it won’t work by sitting on your sofa and reading books about getting fit or meeting that someone special.

In order to be successful at online dating you have to actively take part, not sit on the side lines and wait for someone special to happen along and pick you for their team.

Passive Daters

These are people that are unsure about even joining a dating site. Perhaps they feel there is still a stigma attached to online dating, they may not believe it can really work, are afraid of rejection, perhaps are not very confident about themselves or simply don’t have a clue what to write about themselves.

Passive daters will fill out the bare bones of a profile, often inserting “will tell you later” or “send me a message and ask me” if they can’t think of an imaginative answer to a question. They are unlikely to put a photo on their profile and very rarely contact other members, instead they sit back and wait for people to contact them .. they will likely even forget they have joined the site unless an email arrives.

Imagine going out on a Saturday night .. you don your best clothes but haven’t bothered ironing them, pop your sunglasses and a floppy hat on and drag yourself out. You go to a bar or restaurant and sit in the corner reading a book waiting and hoping that someone will notice you and stop by your table to say hello.

It doesn’t sound like a recipe for dating success does it? That is the equivalent of a passive online dater and the same result will usually happen .. not a lot, other than disappointment.

You may be lucky and an active dater will stop by and say hello but why would an active dater contact someone with a half-hearted profile, no photo and who hasn’t logged into the site for over a month? As they make up less than 20% of the online dating scene the chances of an active dater contacting you are really quite slim.

If you are a passive dater then it’s time to change your ways if you really want to meet someone, have a quick read of why we Brits need to be more like Americans when it comes to dating profiles.

Start by choosing a good dating profile username as this is the first thing other members will see and a username like “Bored & Depressed” may just put them off a little.

Your profile doesn’t have to be written by Shakespeare or make people roll around the floor laughing, it simply has to be informative, a reflection of who you are. If you’re not sure where to start then get searching and read other peoples profiles, find ones you find interesting and work out what makes them stand out from the crowd.

Upload a recent photo, statistics show that having a profile photo improves your chances of dating success ten fold. Even if you mark it as private so it can’t be seen by everyone but at least other members will know you have a photo so if they contact you there is a chance of seeing it.

Profile Photos are so important I write about them a little too often, check out mistakes women make with profile photos and mistakes men make with profile photos, it can mean the difference between finding that someone special and being overlooked so why not make a little effort and get a good photo for your profile.

Now start searching profiles, find people you like the sound of and send a message saying hello. Some people will initially send a flirt or add someone to their friends list to get the other person to come and read their profile and hopefully reciprocate .. I call this the peek a boo game and don’t recommend it but it’s better than not contacting people. It is better, if you have the confidence, to simply send them a message introducing yourself and always say something or ask a question that shows you have read their profile, not just looked at the photo.

Active Daters

This isn’t a polite term for a serial dater, out every night with someone new. An active dater believes online dating can work, they often know someone that has met their partner online and they actively go after what they want .. to meet someone to date.

They will take time to write an informative and interesting profile, often editing their profile from time to time. Their profile will display a current photo of them (rather than their car or pet) and they will spend time searching profiles and sending messages to people whose profiles they enjoy.

It’s true you have to be a little thick skinned for online dating at times, not everyone will send polite messages or even answer but active daters don’t let this put them off.

Active daters will log in to the site regularly to see who has recently joined, they will send out messages and keep their profile updated. They are also much more likely to succeed simply because they are making the effort to find what they want.

If you are an active dater you may not be meeting as many people as you would like to online but you are over half way there, you are putting in the time and effort. If this isn’t getting the results you were hoping for then ask yourself if you are on the right dating site for you, how to choose a good online dating service is written for first timers but has some good tips if you think you may be on the wrong site.

Please learn the art of rejection, nobody likes a rejection but there is a way to do it nicely and it’s better than being ignored completely. Be polite and friendly when online dating, whether you are a passive or active online dater.

It doesn’t matter if you meet a thousand new people a day, if you give off the wrong signals then nobody will approach you or be recptive to your approach. Happy people are the most attractive, so when you are going out make sure you are there to enjoy yourself and not just looking to find a date.

Here are 4 tips to follow when looking to meet a nice man or woman:

1. Online Dating:

Don’t just join the first dating site that comes up on google or the one with the biggest advertising budget. Spend time searching the net, there are online dating sites to suit everyone.

Work out what matters in your life and then use those words to search the internet. Niche market sites may not have a million people around the world signed up but they are much more likely to share your interests.

An example is my dating site for UK countryside and rural lovers, which means the people you meet will be from the UK and share your love of the UK countryside or understand the loneliness that can come with rural life.

2. Joining a Club or Class:

Persevere, many people sign up to a new club or class to find a dating partner, take one look, don’t spot anyone they fancy dating and give up. Wrong attitude … for a start you are way too focussed on meeting someone and not focussed enough on living your life.

You just joined so at some point in time Mr or Ms Right may just join too. However that is not the reason to stick at it, when you become an established member of the group you will begin to communicate with other members. This leads to invitations to parties or other group events, it may also introduce you to single family or friends of other members.

Ladies a flower arranging class is unlikely to reveal Prince Charming and guys, a Landrover mechanics course has very few available women …… think about the classes or groups you are joining.

3. Through Work:

I don’t recommend dating someone in your own office but is there a seminar coming up that you can get on to? A product launch you can volunteer to do market research for or work on a launch stand?

The idea here is to go to places with new people and when you are there circulate, you just never know who you might meet. Ensure you have business cards with you and network, it is not only the people you meet but the people they know that can help you to find the right partner.

4. Friends and Family:

Nobody likes to walk around with a sign saying single and looking for love but do your friends and family actually know you are looking or do they think you are “concentrating on your career”?

It is surprising how many people keep their desire for a partner a secret, in the past two decades being a happy singleton has become the fashionable thing to do but if that life isn’t for you then don’t get taken in by the hype and let people that care about you know.

What was that tv programme called where items went past on a conveyor belt and contestants had a few seconds to remember them? They then won any items they recalled, with the audience shouting out ‘set of pans, record player and cuddly toy’. I don’t remember the name of the show but I do remember it was quite difficult to remember all the items.

If you are old enough to remember the show then you have an idea of what speed dating is all about. It is basically a conveyor belt of people that you interview as potential dates and then you write on cards who you would like to hear from. If they also write your name as a potential date then your contact details are exchanged.

So here you are, you have decided to give it a go, you are sat in a chair at a restaurant type table and get to ask a set number of questions to people as they hop from table to table. Just check out the photo on Swift Dater, is it only me who thinks that looks more like lunch at a business conference than somewhere to meet the potential love of your life?

Just check out some of the names for these companies and you will immediately see what it’s all about … with names like swift dater or fast impressions … anyone else reminded of the Blind Date tv show with Cilla Black?

There is no reason for it not to work, let’s be honest it only takes a moment in a supermarket queue or to see the hunky new delivery guy in your office to feel chemistry and start daydreaming about a date with them.

However in my mind I think chance encounters are far more exiting than a queue of people there for an interview.

Clearly I am not a fan of speed dating and any dating advice I gave would not include speed dating but I do admit I have never tried it. If you have tried it and either loved or loathed it please leave a comment and let us know about your experiences.

Even if you manage to avoid removing an eye with the butter knife there are still the other restaurant obstacles to be avoided, like wearing half of your food, your inability to read french or know which form of sushi is likely to kill you, forgetting which is the red wine glass or heaven forbid being rude to the waiter in order to look ‘cool’ and in control.

Personally I would prefer a night of ten pin bowling or bungie jumping, at least then I am expected to make a total fool of myself.

However, the fact remains that most first dates are held in restaurants.

Here are a few golden rules for a successful first date eating out.

1. Don’t be adventurous. It is always tempting to say “let’s try the new Bungamelion place in town” in order to look sophisticated but if your usual idea of an adventurous meal out is sweet and sour pork or chicken korma then being faced with a menu of deep fried ostrich testicles or turtles eyes in frog spit may result in a rather embarrassing experience. Stick to the tried and tested.

2. Choose neutral ground. Book somewhere that neither of you have been before, this way if the food is dreadful it does not reflect on your personal choices and you can both complain about the awful food or service and vow never to return again. You can also suggest a second date in order to improve on the first. Lastly if you happen to find a bunny boiler then taking them to your Friday night eatery is a very bad idea, they have a habit of showing up again.

3. Be careful what you eat. Garlic breath is not your only concern when eating out, fish, coffee and spicy meat are just some of the foods that make that first kiss a bit of a nightmare. If you are making a night of it also consider avoiding beans, sprouts and anything that will cause loud unpleasant noises in the trouser regions … not to mention the aroma and when not at home you can’t blame the dog.

4. Don’t order for them. Just because you think roasted horse penis is a gourmet dish doesn’t mean they will. It may seem a romantic gesture but unless you know someones tastes ordering your favourite meal for them may end in disaster, if they don’t like the food you enjoy they will ask themselves what else about you they are not compatible with.

5. Avoid getting drunk. Drinking should relax you, not make you sing the hedgehog song half naked on the bar!! This may go down well with your mates on a Friday night but is not a good impression on a first date. Pace your drinking and don’t be lulled into the false idea that eating while you drink will stop you getting drunk and making a total idiot of yourself.

PS … when dressing for a date check out your rear view, 3 inches of cotton knickers showing is really not attractive (check out the photo above).

The simple answer is “Yes, it does work if you are realistic”, well that was a short post, so I am of to the gym (as if).

However, many people approach online dating with unrealistic expectations and therefore fail to find anyone to have a relationship with. Advertising for online dating sites adds to the unrealistic mental images of online dating.

Think about Match.com and their ‘meet someone in 6 months or you get 6 months free’ guarantee …. wow their site must have a thousand Mr Right’s just for me, woopee!!

The trouble is there is nothing in their terms of use to explain what “meet someone” actually means and the average person will assume it means meet someone you are compatible with and can date long term but the cynic in me doubts that is their meaning.

This kind of advertising leads us into a false sense of reality and anyone joining an online dating site for the first time will be rather disappointed when Mr/Miss Right fails to appear in the first 2 dates.

Online dating takes time and effort, you have to learn how to read between the lines of dating profiles, recognise red flags and usually have a few unsuccessful dates before anyone right for you appears.

Just because someone seems perfect for you online or on the telephone doesn’t mean there will be any chemistry between you.

Take time and keep your expectations low, have fun and make some new friends online but don’t expect that someone special to just fall out of the cyber sky in the first week.

One of my most repeated tips for online dating is to find a site with like-minded people, that way you already share some interests with the other members. If you live in Germany and love skydiving then look for a site based in Germany that specialises in extreme sport enthusiasts. If you live in UK and love the countryside then join a rural online dating site.

Online dating is not rocket science, just choose the right site, chat to lots of people and don’t expect too much too soon.

You talk on the phone for three hours and two minutes after you put the phone down you get a text message saying “did I tell you how much I love you?”.

NOT GOOD ….. this is called smothering. It may seem cute for the first few weeks of passionate lust but is a sign of impending doom.

Anyone who is that dependent upon your attention is going to become a royal pain very quickly, jealousy and neediness are just two of the problems you will face.

Your partner may feel they are just showing you the love they feel for you but how can you miss someone and appreciate their company if they never leave your side for a moment? This is not love, it is needy selfish insecurity and is not a healthy way to carry out a relationship.

To gauge whether you are heading for a serious smothering test your new partner:

1. Next time they call just say “sorry I have to call someone but will speak to you later” … how do they react. Do they huff, think of something vital they HAVE to tell you now or simply accept what you say and say they will wait for your call?

2. Have a night off from them, say you need a night in watching Blue Peter re-runs or washing your hair. Do they call you seven times, find a reason to just pop round or go out with their friends?

3. When you are with them and hear you have a text message or call pretend you haven’t heard it and go to the bathroom. Do they take a quick look to see who is contacting you, actually read the message/answer the phone or simply tell you that you have a missed call?

4. Take note of your own thoughts and reactions. When the phone rings and it is your partner … again …. what is your immediate reaction? Do you think “what now”, “oh no not again” or “great it’s the person I love”.

The problem here is that you are failing to learn by your dating mistakes, driven by your idea of the perfect partner for you. This can often lead to the belief that all women are crazy or all men are cheats, when in fact the problem lies with you not the people you are dating.

A couch potato may visualise a happy relationship with an active outgoing person but it is unlikely to work out as a relationship, yet they will again look for love with an active outgoing person after that relationship has failed.

If you are a homebody and only enjoy occasionally going out then finding a string of party animals is just walking headlong into the same disappointment over and over again.

You can set out in the dating game to meet a certain type and indeed you will meet them, you then expect the love and relationship to develop a particular way and usually it does. The final hurdle is you anticipate how it will end and sure enough it ends that way.

You have to change this cycle, examine the ‘type’ you go for, accept that it may be your fantasy but in reality it simply doesn’t work out and then change your expectations accordingly.

Simply following the same pattern of behaviour and expecting a different result is not only futile but also a recipe for a regularly broken heart.

It may be that you choose very different types to date but the relationships all end the same way, again this is because you follow the same patterns over and over again. Unless you change the way you visualise and act out a relationship then nothing can change, just because their name is Bob not Steve or Cindy not Carol makes no difference, it is your behaviour that is causing the pattern to repeat.

If you visualise that your partner will cheat then invariably they will. Your behaviour changes in anticipation of this cheating, so you look for signs, your partner picks up on this and feels you have no trust in them (hint: love requires trust) and the pattern repeats itself, you can actually bring about the thing you are dreading.

To end this self destructive cycle begin by examining the ‘type’ you go for before you start dating again, are they really what will make a fulfilling relationship for you? Then closely examine your pattern of behaviour in relationships, be honest with yourself do you keep repeating the same mistakes?

Once you recognise the pattern you can begin to change it, try a different type or change your expectations of how the relationship will end.

When you begin to date someone new it is important to find a balance between deciding they are “the one” in the first week thus removing your profile and continuing to chat to other people for the next 6 months just in case your new relationship doesn’t work out.

This is a topic for discussion between yourself and the new partner in your life.

If you simply decide after two dates to remove your profile it is a clear indication of intent on your part and may scare the new partner away, feeling they are being forced into a commitment they are not ready for.

The other side of the coin is that your new partner finds out after months of dating you that you are still active on dating websites, again this can lead to feelings of insecurity about your relationship as it is a clear indication that you are still seeking that special someone.

My advice is always to leave your dating profile on the website but do not log in to your account and tell your new partner that this is what you are doing. This means you can always go back to where you were if the relationship doesn’t work out.

This leads to the next problem, sneaking on to see if they are still active on the site. They then sneak on to see if you are still active and notice that you have been on the site, you then notice they have been on and round and round it goes.

This is going to cause you both problems and could end what may have been the perfect relationship for you.

So be honest, after a couple of dates state that you are enjoying seeing them so intend to leave your profile on the dating site but not use the site while you are both dating. When it is decided between you, that means agreement on both sides, that the relationship is exclusive then you can discuss removing your profiles from the site.

Remember a relationship is a two way street, just because you decide you are in a commited relationship doesn’t mean they have also decided the same thing …. discuss your relationship as it progresses but not every time you meet.

It is so easy to convince yourself that within a week you are in love with someone but what you are really feeling is physical attraction.

That may mean you find someone physically attractive to look at or perhaps their mind attracts you or their smell is what causes your senses to heighten and your head to spin.

Who really knows why we fall for another person, it is different for each relationship. There is no logic or reason behind it, biology simply takes over and you can easy find yourself awash with emotion for someone that you thought was not your type.

In our society virtually all relationships begin with physical attraction, the feeling of love at first site is simply a mutual attraction and some raging hormones. Of course this can and sometimes does lead to falling in love but actual love takes time.

To love someone you must know their good and bad points, understand and put up with their habits and have been through a few ups and downs together. Love does not happen instantly.

The myth of love at first sight comes because some people do meet, are physically attracted and their relationship blossoms into love. It was something they both wanted at the same time and were both lucky enough to find in each other. That is when you hear couples say “I knew as soon as saw him/her” but what they knew is that they were both attracted to each other.

Lust is a very base emotion, it can feel uncontrollable, it’s a fantastic feeling when your whole body aches to be so close to another but do not mistake lust for love. Just because someone sleeps with you it doesn’t mean they love or even care about you, it simply means they are physically attracted to you.

Convincing yourself that you are in love because you are so physically attracted to someone or are having great sex with them can easily blind you to their faults and you may find yourself dating someone that is totally unsuitable for you.

Always take time when you are dating to sit back and consider whether this is really the person you want to be with or if it’s just great physical attraction, because when the lust begins to wear off you can find yourself facing someone you hardly know and barely like.