I am always amazed at the amount of ebooks being sold on websites devoted to how to get your ex back.

But I have to ask the question … why would you want to read ebooks on how to get them back?

I can’t sit here and give you a formula for getting your ex back because I have no idea what went wrong with your relationship leading to divorce or the dynamics that your personal relationship is built on.

Was it a broken trust, an addiction, boredom, grown apart, money worries, etc that led to divorce or seperation?

Because it’s got to the break up stage it is way past simple internet dating advice on this blog or in a 39 dollar ebook.

Ok so your ex dumped you and you’re miserable, you miss them terribly and want them back, you can’t eat or sleep for thinking about them so you are desperately seeking any way to get them back … the answer doesn’t lie in ebooks (neither does the way to earn 1000 dollars a night while sleeping).

You can get your ex back if you are both willing to put a lot of hard work into the relationship, there is no short cut or magic wand.

Most couples that get back together go through a natural process, they still love each other but need some time and space to work out a problem or set of problems within their relationship.

They can do this themselves or through professional relationship counselling but I will bet my last pound no successful second time relationship was through the wisdom of ebooks … go on call me a cynic.

No amount of trickery is going to speed up that process or bring back someone that simply doesn’t love you anymore, so why waste your money on ebooks.

You can use any of the usual methods:

1. No contact -

This is designed to make your ex miss you like crazy and realise you are really the great love of their life when you pop back into their lives all fresh and new and sparkly having lost 20kg, got a new hair cut and taken up bungee jumping .. of course what often happens is they simply get on with their lives while you still haven’t accepted it’s over, prolonging your heartache. Basically it’s the if you love them let them go theory and if they still love you they will come back.

2. Jealousy

Yeah way to go, use someone in order to make your ex jealous. This often works … until the second honeymoon period is over and life gets back to the way it was when your ex realised they weren’t happy.

3. Emotional blackmail

You can use the kids, cry hysterically and turn into a lump of quivering jelly or as a last resort you can threaten suicide. Again this may work but only for a short period of time and why on earth would you want someone on those terms.

What I do like about the “how to get your ex back” advice which suggests no contact is at least they suggest you get on with your life.

Go get a new hobby, go socialising, get fit, find a new lease on life … why I like this plan is basically with any luck once you have done all that you won’t even remember your ex’s middle name is, you will then be on the road to getting over them.

Almost all of these how to get your ex back websites are simply trying to sell you an ebook, which of course doesn’t deal with the billion different reasons relationships break up and without dealing with the cause you can’t fix the symptoms.

So here’s what you need to know for free:

1. Is your ex already in a new relationship?

Yes .. then there is slim to no chance of getting them back, they have already moved on and you must too.

No … then there is some hope you could win them back if they are still emotionally invested in you, ask them if they would be prepared to visit relationship counselling with you and seek professional help. Leave the dramatics and blame game  out of it and talk as rational, controlled adults about your relationship problems.

2. Does your ex know why they dumped you?

Yes … if it’s something tangible (money worries, you became a couch potato, your porn addiction, your drinking habits, an affair, etc) then speak to your ex and if they can see you are really trying to change then they may wait around to see if you can change long term.

No … they say they just fell out of love with you. In this situation it is very hard to bring the love back long term. Many people fall out of love and simply can’t explain why, if you don’t know what went wrong then you simply can’t fix it but some time apart may rekinkle feelings if you keep lines of communication open and friendly (not hysterical and demanding).

3. Are you both still talking about the relationship or break up?

Yes … this is  a good sign because it means they are still emotionally invested in you. Try to meet up and calmly talk through what your ex feels went wrong with the relationship and whether it is something that can be “fixed”, maybe they would be prepared to go to relationship counselling with you.

No … bad sign, they are indifferent to you and therefore have no emotion left for you at all, time to accept it and move on.

4. Are you emotionally blackmailing them by calling them crying at 2am?

Yes … stop it, even if you manage to make them feel guilty enough to come back they are unlikely to stay long term. No strong or lasting relationship is built on guilt.

No … good, well done. Now follow the no contact rule and get on with your life. If they still care about you the phone will ring when they’re ready.

5. Are lines of communication still open?

Yes … then forget buying ebooks, they are just playing on your emotional state and current desperation. Go to the Relate website, they are professionals in relationship counselling and then discuss with your ex whether they would be prepared to work on identifiying the problems in and fixing your relationship with the help of Relate (this can be done by email if necessary).

No … again go to the Relate website but go to the if you’re seperating section. Find out about reopening lines of communication but in the meantime learn how to start moving on.

The Helpguide has some really good advice on moving on after a break up.

This may not be what you want to hear at the moment but the crying, constant phone calls, emotional game playing and the blame game is just driving them further away.

You have to take a deep breath and communicate in a calm, rational way. If your ex shows no willingness to sit down and talk then you have to give then time and space but accept they may never be ready to talk, they may just want to move on.

You can try to get professional help to rebuild your relationship, if your ex is willing or maybe it’s time to start accepting it’s over and move on but stop searching the internet for how to get your ex back, there is no magic solution.

That does not mean dropping subtle hints and hoping they get the message, be firm and direct but try to be honest and thoughtful.

4 Don’ts When You Ditch Someone

1. Don’t use tired old cliches like “we will still be friends” or “it’s not you it’s me”. Nobody is fooled by them and it does not help mend their hurt feelings or boost their ego.

2. Don’t be a coward and send a text message or email, this makes it easier for you but not for them. Your time together was intimate so make the break up intimate too, if you need to write down how you feel then make sure you are there when they read it and answer their questions honestly.

3. Do not start a fight in order to dump someone, again a cowardly trick which only makes things easier for you.

4. Be firm and stick to your guns, being talked into giving it one more try or taking the relationship a step further in order to “mend” the relationship is very unlikely to work. Guilt does not repair a relationship so unless during the ditching conversation you get a rush of new found love for your partner then giving in to their guilt is just going to prolong the agony.

4 Do’s When You Ditch Someone

1. Choose your time and place, at their parents wedding anniversary, out with friends or in the middle of a night of passion is NOT the right time or place. Go somewhere private and get to the point quickly.

2. Take responsibility for your emotions, if they are simply not ‘the one’ say so, be honest but not insulting. If your partners jealousy or flirtation is the reason for the break up then simply say so, give them the opportunity to not make the same mistake again.

3. Finish your current relationship before moving on to the next, do not try to find a replacement before you break up with your current partner. Being told you are simply not the one or I love you but am no longer in love with you is much easier for your partner to emotionally handle in the long run than “I have met someone new”.

4. Ditch your partner in a way you would like to be ditched, none of us would “like” to be ditched but if it has to happen consider what would cause you the least hurt and follow suit. Remember the good times you had together and respect that your partner has to move on with their lives as quickly and with the least amount of pain possible in these situations.