Here is how to write an introductory email on an online dating site that will be opened, read and responded to by the person you are communicating with.

Before you even think of writing messages to other online daters, make sure your profile is worth reading. A column of “tell you later” or a long list of “I don’t likes” will simply put people off.

People read your dating profile to decide if you might be compatible, a list of negatives is not going to help them decide.

Ensure your profile has a recent photo and enough information about you for people to have something to discuss with you. Find out the most common mistakes men make with online dating profile photos for men and online profile photos for women and don’t repeat those mistakes.

Making initial contact by sending a flirt can get people to come and look at your profile but of course your profile then needs to be interesting and many people see flirts as sheer laziness, if you can’t be bothered to even write a short message then why would they be interested in talking to you? If someone receives a lot of flirts then this is hardly an original way to communicate and may simply be ignored.

Like any human communication you need to put some effort in to getting to know people and tell them why they should spend time communicating with you.

You can have a first message template which you send out to people you are interested in but remember to edit it for each person you send it to.

Step 1 – Have Something in Common

Don’t just see a photo you like the look of and start sending messages. Read their profile and ensure you have something in common. It is great to receive lots of emails or responses but if they are from people you have little or nothing in common with then it’s effectively junk mail, as you are unlikely to want to meet each other. It’s much better to receive fewer responses from people you would enjoy meeting than having a full email box but nobody you would like to meet. If someone states in their profile they don’t like smokers and you smoke like a chimney, don’t fool yourself into thinking they will like your witty charm and ignore the smoking, it’s unlikely to happen, people put their dislikes in a profile for a reason.

Step 2 – A Noticeable Subject Heading

Imagine you are an active online dater who receives numerous messages each day. You run your eyes down the list of subject headings and see the same thing over and over again. What is needed is something that stands out from the crowd. Read my post about good dating headings to improve your chances of getting your messages read.

Step 3 – Simple but Informative

Don’t make your message too long, too short or too naughty, 4 to 5 lines is about right for a first message. Unless you have joined a site specifically for adult content then don’t send messages with suggestive comments in. A simple “Hi fancy a chat” or “Hi I’m Sally, my number is 0125454125 call me” gives the reader no information about me and doesn’t suggest in any way that I would be fun to communicate with. Similarly, telling someone your life story in an opening message will put them to sleep.

Step 4 – Make it Personal

Why should someone be interested in you if you have demonstrated that you are not interested in them by using cut and paste or the same old tired lines. Address the person you are sending the message to by their Username and include a question or comment about their profile. Let them know you have read their profile and are not just sending the same message to everyone on the dating site.

Step 5 – Sound Confident

Whether you are confident or have to fake it, make yourself sound confident in messages. Do not refer to how many people don’t answer your messages or immediately start pointing out your faults. We are all human and all have faults but concentrate on your good points, sound happy and fun to be around.

Step 6 – Give Them a Laugh

Laughter is a great way to get someone’s attention, so try to include something to make them laugh but remember jokes don’t sound the same in written type as they do in your head, so add a laughing smiley to ensure they know you are joking. A joke at your own expense is fine as long as you are not seriously putting yourself down. It may simply be the email heading that makes them laugh or it may be an ‘in joke’ which people outside your shared interest would not understand. Online dating should be fun, so sound like you are enjoying yourself.

Step 7 – Be Original

Don’t use the same old tired lines like “I just came across your profile and .. ” or “so what’s a nice woman like you doing in a place like this?”. Be original, imagine you just met this person at a party or in a cafe .. now talk to them in the same conversational manner you would use to chat in real life.

Step 8 – Speling and Grammer

So you have ritten a funny, informative and unique messge but if your not careful with your spellin and gramar then you’ve just blown it. Bad spelling and grammar suggests that you just can’t be bothered, it only takes a second to re-read your message or even run it through a spelling checker before you send it. Sloppyness is not an attractive quality.

Step 9 – Introduce Yourself

Remember to actually introduce yourself, give them some information about you and why you are worth getting to know. That may be in the form of a shared hobby, political views, religious beliefs or a shared love of horses but you need to include something in your message that suggests you would have something in common and are therefore worth getting to know.

Step 10 – Invite Them to Respond

Any advertising executive will tell you that an advert must have a ‘call to action’ included in it, that simply means telling the person what you want them to do next. In the case of online dating messages you want them to respond, so tell them you look forward to their reply or say you’ll be interested to read their answers to your questions. Don’t say I hope you respond or I hope to hear from you soon, it’s a negative.

Here are two of examples of good introductory messages for online dating but in different styles:

Jammy Dodger Addicts Need Love Too

Hi Legal_beagle, so you also have a sweet tooth, are you a closet sweet eater or have you come out to the world? I’m Pete and I’m a self confessed jammy dodger addict, it’s the way your teeth crunch through savoury biscuit and then meet that exquisite sugary jam and cream filling. Midnight raids of the biscuit tin are a normal thing in my house but of course I then have to make up for it in the gym, there’s always a down side to something so enjoyable. It’s your turn to confess, what is your favourite sweet toothed snack and why? Pete

Do carrots make you crazy?

Hi GeorgeHill, I’m Sally and I see you also keep horses and enjoy riding. Shadow, my TB, has recently developed an allergy to carrots, they send him loopy. Have you ever experienced this with one of your horses? I used to enjoy eventing but have now settled for the more sedate life of hacking out. I went to the local country show last weekend with some friends, the show jumping was excellent. Do you ever get to any of the shows in your area? I look forward to hearing about you and your horses. Sally

The first is not having a photo on your profile, having a profile photo improves your chances of dating success ten-fold.

Next is a lame or suggestive username, here are the 10 worst dating profile usernames I could find and yes they are real usernames but will give you an example of what sort of thing to avoid.

Then comes the profile or message headline, this is a first glimpse into your mind so says a lot about you.

Here are some examples of bad online dating profile headlines:

Sexual Comments

Whether you refer to your own anatomy, make comments about other people’s or make suggestive remarks, sexual comments are a big no-no unless you are on an adult dating site.

• It’s hard to be good but good if you’re hard
• One night with me is all you’d need to forget everyone else
• Busty blonde knows how to have a good time
• Handyman with own tool
• Scratch my 7 Year Itch

Desperate Headlines

Desperation is not an attractive quality, it is often associated with depression, online stalking and a generally sad person.

• Pick me, pick me
• Make me laugh again
• Can you make me love again
• Be mine forever
• Still seeking my soulmate
• I’m not your type but …

No Imagination

If you have all the time in the world to think of one sentence and still can’t write anything then it doesn’t bode well for an interesting date with witty intelligent conversation.

• Not sure what to write here
• Will fill this in later
• I’m just me
• Just trying this out
• Am new to online dating
• Insert funny headline here

Lame Ducks

Quirky and funny can be good but if you try too hard you just sound sad or silly. If you think it sounds funny or quirky email it to a friend and see if they have the same reaction or come back with WTF??

• My tenticles give me more to cuddle you with
• Single cool dude with brain the size of a planet
• Ab ove maiori discit arare minor
• E=mc2 but what equals me?
• I’m the one your mother warned you about
• OK you got my attention now what?

To find out how to get it right check out examples of good online dating profile headlines and read how to wtite headlines for online dating profiles and messages.

Firstly find out how to write headlines for online dating profiles and messages.

Don’t be afraid to edit your profile and change your heading regularly, this will attract different types of people to your profile.

There are a number of ways to get ideas for message or profile headlines but they do need to capture the imagination rather than just get lost in a sea of other similar headings.

Don’t just copy someone elses’s headline because you think it’s funny or clever, try to be original and put a little of your personality into your profile and messages.

Here are some examples of good headlines and where the inspiration came from.

Hobbies or Interests

You can attract the right kind of people with shared interests or an important issue like religion. Add something in the headline that is important to you.

• Welly wearing dog walker loves puddle splashing
• Christian Choirist raises the rafters
• Canooing wombat seeks hiking kangaroo
• Student of life indulges passion for culture

Specific Gender

You could think of a constant criticism of your gender and swim against the tide.

For women:

• Bubbly blonde with PhD potential
• Blondes have more fun but brunettes nag less often
• Feminine and strong in equal quantities

For men:

• What’s the offside rule?
• Brains and brawn in equal quantities
• Can I ask you for directions?

Romantic or Sentimental

If you are a romantic or sentimental person then show that, the people who respond will often be like-minded.

• Cat Lover Seeks Purrrfect Lap to curl up on
• Inspire me to write a love poem for you
• A perfect day is shared with someone you love
• Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and I am too

Realistic

You don’t have to have sparkling witt or be particularly charismatic to attract people. Be honest about yourself, most of us have very ordinary lives but we all have attractive qualities.

• Experimental cook needs food taster
• Well preserved but not yet pickled
• 750cc’s of mad biker seeks pillion
• Bookworm seeks bookmark to keep her place
• Office worker by day, inter-galactic assassin by night

Ok the last one’s only half honest but it adds a bit of fun while getting across that you don’t have a very exciting job.

Quotations and Characters

You can use a favourite quotation that demonstrates a philosophy or use characters from a book or film you enjoy.

• Weatherwax seeks Rincewind for magical moments
• If you’ll be Mark Anthony then I’ll be Cleopatra … but without the asp
• You non-conformists are all alike
• In order to be someone, you must first be yourself
• Don’t wait for the storm to pass, learn to dance in the rain

Be sure to avoid the mistakes made on these examples of bad online dating profile headlines.

A dating site message is the hopefully the beginning of a conversation so if you wouldn’t walk up to a stanger in the street and say it why on earth would you write it in a message.

For a message to be read it needs to have an interesting subject heading and the content needs to be polite, informative and personal, not just a copy and paste effort.

Here are the 5 most common mistakes men make with online dating messages:

1. Sexual Content

Unless you have joined an adult dating site designed for sexual content then DO NOT send naked pictures of yourself, ask if she wants to attend a swingers party or send rude, suggestive messages. Women who are just looking for casual sexual encounters register with adult sites, the rest are looking for something more.

2. Too Brief

Unless you are Brad Pitt or Richard Gere messages like “Hi I’m Ian, if you like my profile message me back” or “Hi I’m Ian, my number is 0125125265 call me” will usually find their way rapidly to the trash can. It’s not interesting, not original and not going to get them diving over to view your profile.

3. Too long

So you have done your homework and know not to write a message that is too short .. so you now go to the other extreme and launch into war and peace. An ideal first message should be between 4 and 8 sentences.

4. Invading Privacy

Women take their privacy online very personally. Sending messages with pictures attached or your phone number and msn details, with a request to chat on webcam feels like a total invasion of privacy. Wait to be invited to share pictures or a webcam chat, at the very least ask if you can send her pictures but never in a first message.

5. Desperation

Saying things like, “you probably won’t answer this but ..” or “I can’t believe I’m doing this but .. ” or simply sending the same impersonal message to everyone on the site makes you look desperate and it’s not going to get the women flocking to your profile.

Jokes in Type

This is not a mistake, just a word of warning. Have you ever make a joke online or in an email and someone takes offense? Most of us have, without a tone of voice and facial expressions the words you type will be read very literally. Once you have written a message try to read it back to yourself without any tone of voice in your mind, read it exactly as a stranger would. If you are going to make a joke then add a laughing smiley at the end to indicate it is just a joke.

Like a newspaper article headline, the heading on your dating profile or message should sum up something about you or your interests in one line and can mean the difference between getting noticed online or ending up in the trash can.

Hopefully you know how to choose a good dating profile username and this will initially draw people to your profile but then you have to back up an interesting username with a catchy headline or introduction.

Active online daters are popular people and they will receive many messages each day and browse lots of profiles, so your message or profile has to stand out from the crowd by being a little different but you need to attract the right type of people, not just as many as you can.

Have a look at this list of message headings and see which one stands out to you:

Tintin sent you a flirt
Pauly29 sent you a flirt
Naughty_Nigel is seeking fun
Steve57 sent you a flirt
Exhausted Dragon Slayer Seeks Refuge
Hi I’m Ian
PeterZoo sent you a flirt
Hammy sent you a flirt

Which one is going to be opened first? The dragon slayer has immediately got someones attention, simply because the message looks different to the usual headings they will read.

Naughty_Nigel is heading straight for the trash can unless he is on a strictly adult dating site and the others are just all the same with different usernames. Ian is just unimaginative and isn’t going to jump out as a must read.

Another eye catching headling would be “Jaffa cake eater goes beserk in Tesco” it makes you sound quirky and fun, not the run of the mill “You’ve heard this a thousand times before” type of message.

Try to think of message subject headings as newspaper article headlines, when you read a newspaper the headline of the article will tell you if it’s something you would be interested in reading.

Have a try, grab a newspaper or magazine and a highlighter pen. Without reading any articles or thinking too much about it just go through and highlight headlines that sounds worth reading.

When you finish go back and study what you have highlighted. Are they about something you are already interested in, for example sports, politics or animals? If yes then there is the first step in writing good headings, write them for people that share your interests.

An example would be “My golf buggy has room for two, shall we tee off together?” or “Welly wearer seeks playmate for puddle splashing and dog walking”.

Alternatively the headlines you highlighted may not be about something you are interested in but the headline was sufficiently interesting to make you consider reading the article. Step number two, make the reader want to find out more.

An example would be the jaffa cake headline above or “Tiddlywinks Champion requires more winks”. It’s offbeat enough to get people reading your profile or message and sending you winks.

Good online dating headlines can be funny, romantic or clever but they do need to be positive, headlines with ‘save me’ written all over them do not get a good number of responses.

Something to bear in mind when you write your headline is that people are not initially interested in what you are looking for, they are much more interested in what THEY are looking for. Write a heading that suggests you have something to offer them, in the form of a good laugh, a shared interest or a personality trait they like.

Not all dating profiles have a headline and if your dating site profile doesn’t then begin the “about me” section with a catchy one liner, something to make viewers want to continue reading.

Still not sure what to write? Ask some friends to sum you up in one sentence, friends tend to be more positive about us than we are about ourselves and they will pick out our more obvious characteristics.

The first thing that will attract people to your profile is the photo but a good headline comes a close second. Online dating messages require a good headline if you want them to be noticed and read, so be imaginative and for inspiration have a look at these examples of good online dating profile headlines but be sure not to copy these examples of bad online dating profile headlines.

Before you even think of searching profiles or clicking that send flirt button try to decide what it is you are looking for. I don’t mean the exact person, as that will be far too limiting.

Simply decide if you are only ready for casual dating or for a more long term relationship.

A tip for successful online dating is to never decide you have joined an online dating site to find your soul mate, for three reasons:

• You will come across as desperate and that is never an attractive quality.
• Disappointment will quickly arrive when your perfect match doesn’t turn up in the first two weeks.
• The more open minded you are about meeting lots of new friends the more active you will be on the dating site in general and the more fun you will have .. by being active when online dating you will be more attractive to others.

Here are some basic rules to follow in developing online dating relationships:

Online or Offline It’s All the Same

You are going to communicate with real people, yes some will be insulting, some spammers and a few just plain old creepy but on the whole the people you talk to are normal people so treat them as you would if you met in a bar or at work offline. Online conversation follows the same rules as offline, just because you are hidden behind a screen doesn’t give you permission to act like an idiot or insult people.

Before you send any messages, even flirty ones ask yourself “would I say this to a stranger offline or will it come back to haunt me if we ever meet in real life?

Read Profiles Carefully

Other daters have also sat there at the registration page thinking “yikes what do I put in here”, they have taken the time to tell you about themselves so have the decency to read it and not just look at the picture and think “that’ll do” and send a flirt. There are few online insults bigger than receiving a message asking about your children or pets when your profile clearly states you don’t have any.

Comment on Their Profile

Your first message should ask a question or comment about something on their profile and tell them a little about you and why you think you would get on.

Do not send messages like “so you’ve got a horse eh. Here’s my number call me and we can hook up”. Learn to know when to give out your phone number or msn address and don’t force it on people in the first message you send.

It would be much more appropriate to say “What sort of horse riding do you most enjoy? I used to ride as a child but tended to spend most of my time laying on the floor looking at their stomach, so I gave it up and took up a safer hobby … car racing.” This gives them something to respond to and a natural conversation will follow.

Reply to Messages

Answer the messages that you receive, even if you send a “thanks but you’re not my type” reply. Try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, they have taken the time to contact you and may well log in every day to see if you have replied. At the very least you will seem rude and you don’t know who their online friends are but at worst you can actually damage someone’s self image.

Even if you open their profile and think “why on earth is this person contacting me” just remember they have had the guts to contact you so a short polite reply will usually send them merrily on to the next person. The only exception to this rule is insulting, rude or spammy messages .. do not reply, they feed off your outrage or sarcasm so just delete them and they will get bored and go away.

Listen and Speak

Conversations are hard work if they are all one way, with either a bombardment of endless questions to answer or yes/no answers with nothing to reply to. As with building offline relationships make sure conversations are two way and the other person isn’t having to do all the work or is unable to get a word in. Take time to listen to the other person and respond to them.

Don’t Unload

Once you are in a conversation with someone don’t take it as an opportunity for some free theracpy and tell them all your worldy worries. Women tend to be more guilty of this but men are also prone to the occasional bout of wallowing. Having an anyonymous person to tell your troubles to does have a very therapeutic effect but it would be much better to make some same gender friends online and unload on them, possible partners want the upbeat fun you and not the manic depressive you.

Share Your Interests

This  is something we would naturally do offline or even online with our email friends but people often forget this side of relationship building when they join a dating site.

Whether you are building relationships with people you are interesting in possibly dating or just making a group of new friends remember to include them in your interests. Send free ecards or share music clips, send them a link for a news article to discuss or funny animal pictures. The normal things that you would share online with facebook friends or your family.

Don’t be Rude

I have often seen someone in a dating site chatroom that is in the middle of a conversation with a group of people and then suddenly disappears into a private chatroom when someone they are interested in arrives, without saying a word and then you chatroom becomes a flurry of “well that was rude” comments.  Imagine you are in a cafe chatting to a group of people and your date arrives .. without a word you just walk away. What are those people going to think of you and how will they react the next time you drop by for coffee?

Same online, simply say “right must be off, catch you all later”. Everyone knows where you are going but at least you have said goodbye and not just left them hanging.

Privacy is Paramount

Respect people’s privacy online, if they send you a photo or share information about their family or work don’t forward it to friends or talk about it in forums or blogs. The online world is a surprisingly small place and imagine how you would feel if you joined a new forum and found everyone has already heard about you or seen the picture of you drunk in a ditch wearing a flowerpot on your head.

At last your message box says you have a new contact … woohoo the game is afoot and you reach for the reply button….. but wait, have you considered whether you are compatible?

Here are 5 tips for you to consider before you reply to online dating site messages:

1. Looks really aren’t everything. Don’t just look at the main profile photo and decide they are worth contacting. Check out their other photo’s, are they in situations you may enjoy? If their photo shows cats in every one and you are allergic to cats it may be worth waiting for the next candidate. Also if they only have one photo then after a couple of emails ask to see other photos before you commit to meeting them.

2. Read between the lines of the profile and don’t fill in the blanks from your imagination. The most obvious example would be smoking, if the profile says “trying to give up” and you can’t be in the same room as a smoker then this is not the person for you. If you can be around smokers but would hope your partner is not a smoker then chat in your messages about how they are doing with giving up. As you read the profile write down questions and if you decide to respond then ask question to allow the person to fill in the real blanks, not your imaginary version.

3. Is their message personal to you? Have they asked you about something on your profile or commented on something you have in common? If not consider that a generic message can be sent to anyone and everyone, these are used to fish for possible responses and the sender has often not considered your possible compatibility. Make it a rule that you only respond to messages personal to you but not overly personal (eg love your pic email me on spammer @nigeria.com).

4. Don’t give out too much information. When responding to online dating site messages picture yourself in a cafe or bar with someone on a first date, how much information would you feel comfortable revealing about yourself? It is easy to get carried away when sending messages over the internet, it is easier to reveal more about yourself than you would in real life because the person is not sitting looking at you.

5. Don’t believe everything you read.

I cannot count the times I have been on a date and spent a very boring couple of hours listening to how perfect the ex was. She was a brilliant mother, career woman, cook, had the cleanest house in the world, you shared the most amazing sex life, etc. Clearly this woman wore a cape and her knickers outside her tights. Yawn.

Everyone take note – all this tells me is that you are a complete moron. Clearly you were with Wonder Woman/Man and must have been a really crappy husband/wife/partner or you would still be with them. Not a great advertisement wouldn’t you agree.

Another aspect of this error in judgement is that you are clearly not over your ex and ready to move on to a new relationship. This will have any sane person heading for the exit.

Lastly you have just told me that I could never live up to them. Hey great start, well done. So next time you call I will be washing my hair, watching the grass grow or out on a date with someone worth being with.

I think you get the message so I shall leave it there.

This is simply their own insecurities showing through, perhaps they were bullied at school or are ashamed of their own appearance so feel the need to belittle others to feel better about themselves.

To date online you need to develop a thick skin, you will meet some wonderful people, make some good friends and hopefully meet someone you can love.

However, you will also meet some ignorant, arrogant or simply offensive people. Unless you have a thick skin the comments these people make and the messages they send will remain with you, over time they will chip away at your confidence.

Treat all online insults and messages the same way you would if you received an email for viagra, just delete it and forget about it. They cannot be insulting you as a person because they don’t know you, they simply have anger issues they need to force onto others.

Choosing the right dating website can help, a site that is monitored and moderated will have less offensive traffic running through it.

Also find a site with like minded people, people who share your interests. Some time spent finding the right site now can save a lot of trouble in the long run.

My dating website, Country Couples, is for UK residents that like the countryside or live in a rural area of Britain. We have a friendly crowd and the staff monitor the forums and chat rooms every day.

Here are some testimonials about my site from genuine members (they are displayed in the forum with each members details so they can be checked as genuine):

1. It’s not just the fact that it’s designed for country & animal lovers that appeals to me or that the forums and chatrooms make it very easy to meet people… it was the warmth in their welcome and the way I became part of a big, happy family that truly set CC apart from the rest!

2. I don’t feel I’m a rare breed on here just because I work on a farm…

3. Everyone is so welcoming, we have such a laugh……..we all support each other through good and bad times……..its a site made for meeting genuine people, a safe site not a meat-market!

These aren’t to show off, they are to show you that not all online dating websites are the same and it pays to take time to find the right one for you. Yes we have lively banter on the site, we make jokes about each other but none of our members would stand for anyone being offensive or insulting.

Take time to find the right site for you, one where others share your interests and the rewards can far outweigh the quantity of people on the large dating sites.

However the question is can you fall in love with someone you have only spoken to online and not met in real life?

The simple answer, in my opinion, is a resounding NO.

You can certainly feel as though you are in love, the attention, the like-minded conversations, sensual flirting and even shared goals in life but until you meet in the flesh you have no idea if there is any chemistry between you.

Most people that search for love online are at a stage in their life where they are ready to fall in love, they want to find someone special so they often have feelings of ‘love’ before they have really spent time with someone.

Flirting online also makes you feel closer to someone, people say things online that they would never dream of saying in the early stages of dating offline. Time that you would spend dating offline (eating, going to the pictures etc) you actually spend online sharing secrets, sending naughty messages and creating an atmosphere of intimacy.

What you are in love with is the idea, the fantasy of someone but not the reality. In your mind you create a vision of what life could be with that person, how they would kiss or touch you, the things you would do together and your mind simply fills in the blanks with what you hope that person would be in your ideal world.

Meeting in real life can be a surprise, to put it lightly. You can meet people online that seem absolutely ideal for you, you discuss your lives as though you are destined to be together forever but when you meet offline there is simply no chemistry. Reality simply does not match the fantasy in your mind and of course that is a great disappointment.

Humans like to think of themselves as ‘higher beings’ but we are in fact animals, biological creatures that have instinctive reactions, we live by our senses. There have been many scientific studies about love at first smell and all studies show that we are attracted (or not) depending on our senses, including smell.

This means that attraction over the internet is only a meeting of minds, an agreement that two people could offer each other what they are looking for but until you actually meet off line you may feel emotionally attached to someone but I doubt you could actually be in love.

Love grows over time and is not the result of emails, so being ‘in love’ online simply means that you have met someone with the potential for a loving relationship but until you meet it is not reality, you are not IN LOVE.