This is largely driven by opportunity. As women have gained closer equality with men their work and social lives have opened new doors and presented new opportunities to meet people.

At the end of the day it’s simply not ok to cheat but that doesn’t stop people.

With adultery on the rise among women it’s important to understand what drives women to cheat on their husbands.

Of course not everyone is the same but these are the most common 3 reasons given by unfaithful women for their affair.

1. Affection and Attention

Yes, the number one reason for men and women is the same.

Like men, most cheating women don’t go out looking for an affair but when they receive affection and attention from a stranger that they no longer receive at home some women find it too flattering to resist.

It really does your self image and confidence no favours if you lose 10 kg or cut 6 inches off your hair and your partner fails to notice, you begin to feel invisible and un-cared for.

Then a strange man compliments you, he really notices you in the way your husband did before you started coming second best to his golf clubs. Once again you find your girlish giggle, you start to again feel sexy and desirable.

The sad fact is that most, if not all, of these women would never dream of cheating if they got the attention and affection they need at home.

Ask them and they will tell you, they would much prefer to receive this attention from their husband but he has emotionally withdrawn from her and is no longer excited by her, which plays havoc with her self confidence.

So guys, stop reading and go to tell your wife how sexy she looks, give her a smouldering kiss and say you’re sorry you haven’t been paying enough attention to her lately.

2. Revenge Cheating

Have you heard the saying Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Wow is it true.

Just search online for the term “revenge on cheating husband” and you will see page after page of stories about women cheating, going on naked webcams, selling porn photo’s of themselves and damaging cars, clothes, etc.

Women who catch their men cheating and follow this course of action don’t ask themselves the question does revenge cheating work, they just feel the need to get even.

Of course revenge cheating doesn’t work, two wrongs never make a right but these women feel that cheating on them belittles their sexuality, so they go all out to prove they are still sexy.

3. Thrill Seeking

Sexual freedom is still a very new phenomenon in the history of women. When I left school a man that slept around was a stud and a woman that slept around was a slut.

The playing field in recent years has levelled up considerably on this issue and women can now be bad girls without constant scorn.

Many women of my age married young, being still quite innocent and had families. They now see the sexual freedom the younger generations have and want a slice.

The problem comes when a man has been married to a woman for some time and is used to the hum-drum life they lead. Something in her life changes (a 40th birthday, a death in the family, large weight loss, a new career, etc) and the husband carries on as normal.

The life she was happy with for all those years just doesn’t excite her anymore, she wants to be a sex kitten and have fun. If you don’t notice this change and join in then someone else just might.

Here’s a more in depth look at reasons women cheat and the solutions, to help us in understanding adultery.

Firstly let’s just admit that women as well as men cheat, however women tend to commit adultery for different reasons to men, so this article will just look at the top 3 reasons why men cheat.

Understanding adultery is not the same as condoning it, there are so many reasons why it’s not ok to cheat, even in this modern sexually permissive society but by understanding why men cheat we can work on our relationships to lessen the chances of our partner, or ourselves, having an affair.

It’s also not ok to simply blame the wife, he isn’t getting enough sexual satisfaction at home so was forced to look outside the marriage .. although this can be a factor in some affairs but marriage failure is rarely so one sided.

Here are the top 3 reasons men cheat, in order of priority .. the No1 reason may not be as you would expect:

1. Affection and Attention

No, the number one reason for men cheating is not simply sexual gratification, although it’s a generally held belief .. i.e., he just can’t keep it in his pants.

It’s all about affection and attention .. in simpler terms it’s about his ego, someone that makes him feel appreciated and desired.

Think back to when you were dating, how you hung on his every word, laughed at his jokes, were desperate to spend time with him and picked the fluff off his jacket .. he loved the attention and he felt appreciated.

During that phase of your relationship a supermodel could have danced in front of him naked begging for his attention and he would have rejected her, as he was getting all he needed from you.

Then life moves on, you have the kids to pick up from school, the house is a tip, the dog has thrown up in the kitchen, the mortgage is due and you can put the shelves up yourself without waiting 6 months for him to do it. He has suddenly become a spare part.

Along comes a very ordinary other woman, no beauty queen and not even very exciting. He just meets her in passing, he isn’t out looking for an affair, she just happens to cross his path, be that at work, in the supermarket or socially.

She laughs at his jokes, enjoys his conversation and comments on how well his shirt suits his colouring .. bingo, she pays him attention and he suddenly feels appreciated again and cheating suddenly doesn’t seem such a crime.

He commits adultery, not because he was looking for extra marital playtime but because he finds the attention, ego boost and affection he feels he’s lacking at home.

2. Lack of Sexual Fulfilment

Men may cheat for three sexual reasons (or a combination of them):

a) His wife is partially or totally disinterested. When we are first in a relationship we are at it like bunnies but over time the physical side of a relationship takes a back seat to day to day life.

Most men can accept this without rushing out to cheat but when it comes to the weekly “hurry up and remember to pull my nightie down when you’ve finished” or “good lord, has your birthday come round again” then men will simply look elsewhere.

As with all things in a relationship, it takes both partners in a marriage to communicate and make decisions, women are not the sole judge of how often your marriage bed should see action other than snoring.

b) Sexual boredom can be a factor in adultery. It’s not that he doesn’t love you or doesn’t enjoy your sex life together but it can get a bit ‘same old, same old’ for both men and women.

This doesn’t mean you have to start reaching for the kama sutra, buy toys or arrange a swingers party to stop him from cheating, just be the woman he fell in love with again.

Open up your underwear drawer and have a look .. is it full of “comfortable” knickers and slightly off white mumsy bra’s? Maybe it’s time to dress up for your man or has it become a twice weekly (Tuesdays and Thursdays) event? Spice things up a little, be a devil and ravish him on Sunday afternoon.

c) Sexual experimentation. This is perhaps the saddest of sexual reasons for a man to cheat, I mean sad as in feeling sorry for them, not sad as in get a life you loser.

What happens if your husband wants you to dress as a french maid or tie you up and you give him that shocked catholic schoolgirl look?

First you have made him feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, never something we should do to someone we love. You may have made him feel perverse, for something most red blooded men think about trying. You have also rejected him without even explaining why you are afraid to try it.

Now, what if he meets a woman that is not only willing to try but is actually very keen to do so, she may even have some new ideas of her own? Adultery .. again not because he doesn’t love or respect you but because this new woman he is cheating with is allowing him to expand his horizons, she is accepting or even encouraging him to experiment and spice things up.

That is not to say “do anything your husband wants to try” but if he suggests something you know, without trying, you wouldn’t be comfortable with then suggest something new you would be happy to try.  He will be so happy when he see’s you trying to meet him half way he wouldn’t dream of cheating.

3. Nagging, nagging, nagging and more nagging

Nagging is simply another word for criticism and you may be a Stepford wife in all other ways but if you’re a nag then your man is going to dread coming home and will find solace in the arms of another  .. a non-nagging other.

Most people can accept constructive criticism but when it begins to be nit-picking, nagging for the sake of it, then it would wear anyone down.

He simply can’t win, no matter how hard he tries to please you he gets nagged .. in other words told he is wrong constantly.

It’s not enough for you to say don’t leave your dirty football boots on the coffee table, you have to add “AND” then list a thousand other things he does that annoys you.

A man in this situation will actively seek peace, whether that is through a hobby, drinking or an affair. Adultery is an escape for him and cheating loses it’s fear .. anything is better than being constantly brow beaten.

Conclusion

Some men will always cheat, they just have a “grass is always greener” mentality but a majority wouldn’t dream of it if they are happy and fulfilled at home.

Again, this is not just blaming the wife .. a relationship works both ways and when a man stops paying attention and making his wife feel sexy and attractive then it’s no big surprise she is rarely in the mood but we will look at that side of things in the next article.

For now ladies have a look at the three reasons men cheat and ask yourself honestly if you are guilty of any of them. It’s no shame to admit you are, I woke up one day and realised I had become a tremendous nag but like any problem, once you admit it you can do something about it.

On a final note ladies, don’t forgive affairs too easily. If I had added a number 4 to the list of reasons men cheat it would have been because they know they can creep round you until you forgive them again.

Understanding adultery is not rocket science, the 3 reasons why men cheat are symptoms of a bigger problem at home.

Unlike the question should I admit to having an affair the question of whether you should admit to having had a one night stand is rather less complicated.

A one night stand is an opportunist act with someone you have no intention of seeing again. Whereas an affair is a sustained relationship with a partner outside your marriage or relationship.

If you happen to bump into that person a month later and repeat the experience you are now in the realms of an affair, saying I didn’t intend to bump into them doesn’t count .. learn to say nop to your more base desires.

Firstly you must consider what led you to have a one night stand in the first place. Are you with the right partner or do your relationships all end the same way?

We all know why it’s not ok to cheat but there are times we do idiotic things and then deeply regret them. Whether away on a lonely business trip, an alcohol fuelled night out or a moment of out of control lust, some people have a weak moment and do something they wouldn’t usually dream of doing.

Most of us know the difference between love and lust and are aware that a one night stand is about lust, while our long term relationship is about love.  However sometimes in a moment of madness one is forgotten and the other becomes imperative.

The chances of being caught or someone telling your partner are far less with a one night stand than with an affair but that is no excuse for doing it.

Is it worth hurting your partner deeply, breaking the trust in your relationship, perhaps losing your children or home, because you feel the need to be honest about it to relieve your own guilt?

Have you ever heard the saying “what they don’t know can’t hurt them”? Well in this case it’s generally true.

That is not permission to go off and have a string of one night stands behind your husband or wife’s back.

Yes you will have to carry the guilt of your one night stand to your grave but that is the price you have to pay for the decision you made when you you opted for a one night stand.

‘Forget about it and move on’ is easier said than done when guilt is keeping you awake at night but consider the alternative.
While you lie there listening to your partner happily sleeping, none the wiser, think about how they would feel if they knew. Does that knowledge change anything for the better? Will it help them to feel secure and loved?

You now feel deeply ashamed and guilty .. and so you should. However, shame and guilt are emotions, so use those emotions in a positive way and channel them toward your partner.

Every time you feel ashamed or guilty look at your partner and mentally list ten reasons why you will never do anything again to hurt them.

It doesn’t have to be February 14th to show someone you care about them, try one or more of these inexpensive valenties day gestures to show your partner you love them.

Keeping this secret and taking it to the grave with you is not about you, it is not about stopping you from getting into trouble. It is about your partner, you cheated on them and they will bear the brunt of the pain your confession will cause.

If you must confess then confide in a friend or tell a priest but allow your partner to remain unhurt and unaffected by your actions.

Take a long hard look at your partner, are they content with their life at the moment, are they oblivious to your guilt and shame. Now consider how they would look if you tell them, how long would they take to recover, if they ever do and ask yourself again .. should I admit I had a one night stand?

Most extra marital affairs begin the same way, the husband doesn’t show enough affection to the wife and the wife withdraws from their sexual partnership. It’s an age old problem within marriages, the boredom factor.

It does not matter whether the husband withdraws affection first or the wife withdraws sex, the result is the same a spiraling emotional black hole.

A vast majority of women need affection from their partner in order to stay in love, they have to be kissed, touched and made to feel loved or they simply have no emotional desire for sex.

The opposite side of this emotional rollercoaster is that a vast majority of men need regular sex from their partner in order to feel or show affection toward them. Withdrawal of sex on the woman’s part will simply lead to frustration, lack of emotional attention and a wandering eye.

It is difficult to keep the magic alive in a marriage and it does take effort from both parties.

The attitude of ‘I should only have sex when I want to but I only want to once a year’ is simply not meeting your partners needs.

Similarly the attitude of ‘why do I have to hug and kiss her, I’m married to her aren’t I’ is going to get you as much bedroom action as an inmate in solitary confinement.

If your relationship has started on this slippery slope then it is time for one of you to take the initiative and start dialogue. Talk openly about why you have withdrawn from your sex life or why you don’t show her any affection.

If your husband only shows you affection as a prelude to sex then you need to get him told, it is possible and preferable to show affection at any time of day or night without expecting it to lead to sex.

Believe me guys if you show affection to the woman in your life on a regular basis she is far less likely to withdraw sex.

In the same vein ladies, if you withdraw sex because you don’t feel sexy or just can’t be bothered expect his eye to start wandering. Most men do not WANT to have affairs, they simply come across whatever is missing at home and can’t resist.

Work on showing each other non-sexual affection, start by just getting more affectionate and see if that does the trick to start a new spark but if not sit down and talk, explain your personal needs and desires.

Some single men have admitted to wearing a wedding ring in order to attract women, they do not need to get emotionally involved and can limit the time they spend with a woman.

The obvious question for these women is ‘why not just date a single man?’

When you talk to these women their answers are invariably that they do not want ties or baggage, dating married men means they can pick and choose when they see them without the hassle or dirty socks.

They also lose no time in stating they are not the ones committing adultery. It makes me ask them if they recognise adultery is wrong then why are they an active party to it. They laugh at me and quickly repeat they are not the ones doing anything wrong.

These are confident women that can provide for themselves, they don’t need a husband or children to make their life complete, so an affair gives them exactly what they want without the baggage.

The next obvious question is ‘but what about the families you are breaking up?’

Here their logic eludes me, they say they can’t break up a family because if the marriage was happy the men would not be searching online dating sites for an adulterous affair.

Certainly you can’t argue with that point, these men are responsible for their own actions but surely the ladies need to take some responsibility for making themselves available only to married men and therefore threatening a marriage, happy or not.

It seems to me it is simply a way to shift the blame, to be the innocent party without ties or responsibilities and it must therefore be all his fault. The idea that their seeking out these men is in fact a part of the process and problem is rejected, as this would mean what they are doing is wrong.

When asked about entering into relationships that are doomed to fail because the man is not available these ladies will insist that the men are available, they make themselves available by putting themselves on the market.

There is a website that has been running quite successfully for the past two years which provides, for a fee, everything you need for a fake alibi including hotel and flight bookings, work seminars and they even man the telephone in case your other half calls. The ironic part is that they also offer private investigation services to catch your partner cheating. However, services like this cannot survive if there is no demand for them so someone must be paying for the services.

I find it all a little sad, that anyone would actively seek a married person to have a casual relationship with, it sounds rather like a business contract.

Perhaps these women have been hurt or used and are going for revenge? I admit I do not understand their motives but what surprised me in these conversations is that they are vibrant confident women and I did feel they were selling themselves short.

I couldn’t help but wonder how this man would feel if he came across his wife’s profile on my dating website stating she was happily married but looking for a fun guy for an adulterous affair. In my experience what is good for the goose is most certainly not good for the gander on this issue.

The temptation to cheat comes to most of us after we have been in a relationship for some time but it is what we do with that temptation that defines our character.

After some time in a relationship we miss the days of passion, the excitement of hearing their voice or seeing them dressed up just to please us. We want to recapture that feeling of electricity when they walk in the room or the butterflies in our stomach when the phone rings, that is simply human nature.

Then we meet someone at work or at a social event and pow, there is electricity flying round the room. You know it’s wrong to cheat but this new person is genuinely interested in you, they look and smell good, they make you feel young, confident and alive again.

For a very honest look at the inner turmoil of someone contemplating an affair have a read of to cheat or not, which I am waiting for the final chapter of with baited breath.

The idea that once married we can spend our lives wearing blinkers and not notice other people or that we should resign ourselves to a boring relationship is simply nonsense. It is a very short life and we should try to live it to the full but cheating is not the answer to recapturing the fun in life.

Cheating on a partner is pure unadulterated selfishness and arrogance. You are not physically or emotionally available to the person you have an affair with and you are going to hurt your partner whether they find out or not.

Obviously if they find out you have broken their trust and betrayed them they will be hurt but even if they don’t find out there are invariably suspicions because your behaviour changes and even if never voiced they eat away at your partners confidence.

That is the greatest crime in cheating, what it does to your partners confidence. You may get an ego boost for a short time, your children may cope ok with the divorce but your partners confidence may never recover.

You married that person for a reason, you loved them. Even if that love has faded and you bicker every day try to remember you once cared for that persons feelings and causing them so much pain was never on your agenda.

Before thinking of cheating on your partner ask yourself if you are still the exciting, passionate person your partner first met and fell in love with.

I will bet the answer is no, so if your partner is no longer the exciting, passionate person you fell in love with is it any surprise?

Read my tips for bringing the romance back into a long term relationship and give them a try before you go down a road there is no return from, because even if you’re never caught and your relationship continues you will carry that guilt always.

If you are trying to justify cheating on your partner then have a read of You can justify cheating?

For a start cheating men are having an affair with a woman, be they married or single. Where is the sisterhood, why would a woman ever consider doing that to another woman? The answer is that in order to get the man they tell themselves that it is entirely the wifes fault but they never question why the husband is looking to cheat rather than fix his marriage.

There is no excuse for cheating, it cannot be justified either by men or women. Cheating is simply a selfish choice you make, if you are no longer satisfied with your life as it is then communicate with your partner, work together to change your relationship and get it back on track or at the very worst get out and then look for a new partner.

Knickers do not have a mind of their own, they do not fall off without you choosing to take them off and it is time cheating women see their actions as the base, low, selfish deed it is. If you are not prepared to work at your relationship and respect the commitment you made to each other then have the decency to leave.

Anyone with half an ounce of common sense is aware that married women are quickly catching up with married men that have affairs. What would once have caused a scandal is now shrugged off as womens lib, if it’s ok for the guys then why isn’t it ok for women, how quickly we forget the comments we make about cheating scumbag men!

So why is this happening? The simple answer is opportunity. Women no longer stay in the home, with neighbours’ twitching curtains watching their every move. Communities have broken down and women no longer feel bothered by what the neighbours are saying about them. Women are out in the workplace, having girls nights out on the town and the internet even allows stay at home Mum’s the opportunity to organise extra marital affairs.

The more complicated answers run in tandem with why men have affairs. The main reasons and their solutions are:

1. Mental Stimulation

When you first meet your husband you have so much to discuss, your childhood stories, your hopes and dreams for the future, your opinions on world affairs, your hobbies, family, friends, etc. After a few years of marriage what is left to say? Your husband knows all your stories, your dreams and opinions, he has probably switched off now when you repeat the same old things he has heard a hundred times before. Then you meet someone at work or in a pub that is genuinely interested in you, they want to hear about your past, your thoughts and opinions. Of course this is attractive.

Solution

Honest communication is the key to any marital problem, discuss your boredom with your partner so he knows you are feeling mentally frustrated. Find new interests, either together or separately. Read a good book and discuss it with your partner, watch the news, take up a sport. Become a more rounded and interesting person, he is not interested in the latest storyline in Eastenders but he may be interested in your views of history, philosophy, art, stamp collecting, etc.

2. Self Esteem

When a woman no longer feels sexy she may look elsewhere for the boost her self esteem needs. The stretch marks from the kids, the 2 stone that piles on after you are married, the wrinkles that begin to appear along with the few grey hairs and of course gravity takes it toll. It is difficult to remain feeling sexy and confident as we get older, mother nature really is a bitch.

Solution

Your husband is much more likely than a stranger to find you attractive despite the changes to your appearance, the stretch marks are because you had children together and the wrinkles are because of the laughter you shared. Again discuss your lack of self esteem with your partner, he is probably feeling exactly the same way. Tell him you need to feel sexy and special again, ask him to buy you something nice to wear or to start dating you again, giving you the opportunity to dress up and wow him. Join the gym together and see what that does for your self confidence and sex life. Once he is aware of your concerns, if he is committed to your relationship, you will find he makes renewed effort to pay attention to you.

3. Different Interests

When you fist met your husband you would go to every football match with him, even though you don’t like football and he would take you to see the latest weepy movie at the cinema. When we first meet we want to please our partners but as time moves on we tend to follow our own interests and are less inclined to make the effort to join in things our partner enjoys but we find boring. Meeting someone new means they are willing to watch weepy movies and trudge around art galleries to please you.

Solution

Talk to your partner and find a new interest together or agree that you will go to football with him if he takes you to a weepy movie regularly. It’s about commitment to each other, doing something simply to please your partner, the rewards are greater than the sacrifice.

4. Annoying Habits

When I first met my husband I would stay awake to listen to his snoring and due to sinus trouble while I slept he would gently wipe the drool from my face. Once the rose tinted glasses of new love fades these habits become annoying, I can’t bear the snoring because it disturbs my sleep and my drooling is no doubt rather a turn off for my husband. The saying that familiarity breeds contempt is just so apt here. All the things you once thought were cute and comical are now just annoying, even Prince Charming passes wind.

Solution

If you are attracted to Mr New and hunky at work, sit back and take a good long look. Is he really that different to the man you have at home, what would he be like if you had been married to him for a couple of years. Doesn’t he snore and fart in bed too? Do his socks fail to smell when he wears trainers and does he keep his house immaculate? He is no different, he is just a fantasy of the life you think you would prefer but reality is never the same as fantasy. Once you get this into perspective your ‘old’ man doesn’t look so bad.

5. Sex is Routine

When you first met he would go out of his way to please you sexually, nothing was too much trouble and he would not give up until you were lying there satisfied and exhausted. After a few years of marriage you have been through the karma sutra, tried the batman outfit and the days of screaming orgasms ended when you realised you might wake the kids. Then Mr New turns up at work and suddenly someone wants to take your breath away again, they are eager to please and won’t just roll over and snore after 5 minutes of the usual.

Solution

I am repeating myself now but communication is the key. Get him told, let him know that he no longer satisfies you and challenge him to do better. Don’t complain and moan, don’t make him feel inadequate. Make it fun, make it sexy, tell him with a twinkle in your eye that your sex drive needs a service and your clitoris needs an oil change. You will probably find he is delighted and will work with you to find ways of providing screaming breath taking moments when the kids are away or will book a hotel for a weekend of rekindling the passion. Throw your comfy pyjamas in the bin and buy a sex kitten outfit, give him a reason to get back in the game.

6. Lack of Sex

Some women have high sex drives but their husband over time simply isn’t that interested, he is happy with the Saturday night session with the lights off. The wife on the other hand wants the passion, she wants him to come in from work and throw her on the kitchen table for a hungry, passionate ‘seeing to’. She wants to be wanted and needed but isn’t getting this from her husband.

Solution

This is a tough one, nobody likes to have sex if they are not in the mood. Talk to him and find out why his sex drive is lowered, it may be external concerns about money or work or it may be medical. Before you try to tackle the sex issue you need to find out if there are other issues that are troubling him, you adding a bad sex life may just make matters worse at the moment. If there are no external issues then try to deal with the sex side. Is he aware that you are not satisfied with the Saturday night session? What can you do to compromise and both be satisfied. Would you behaving more sexily get him in the mood more often? Would you buying a vibrator and telling him you are going upstairs to use it make him curious enough to switch off the football and come to see what you are doing?

7. Revenge

This is the worst of reasons to have an affair. Women that catch their cheating husbands often decide that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and they go out to prove a point, they too can play away from home. They are not interested in the new guy or even in the sex usually, just in proving they can do it too.

Solution

There isn’t a solution, this is simply a no-no, two wrongs never make a right. Keep your knickers on and don’t do it, it will not make you feel better, you will just feel guilty, dirty, cheap and used. If you cannot forgive your partner and move on then just leave, he isn’t worth you making yourself as bad as him for. Personally I know I could never forgive an affair, I have a long bitter memory and would bring it up every time I got angry, making both of our lives miserable, so any man that cheated on me would have to go but I make that very clear from day one.

8. New Meal Ticket

This is the one that turns my stomach the most. The woman that has an affair in order to find a replacement meal ticket so she can leave her husband but still be provided for. It wouldn’t occur to them to move into a rented property, get a job to provide for themselves and get divorced, they are simply hanging in with the husband to maintain them until they find a new husband to pay the bills.

Solution

Take a good long look at yourself, you are nothing short of a prostitute, in fact you are worse than a prostitute because at least they let the guy know up front what sex is going to cost them financially. You do not live in a mud hut in Africa where a man is required to provide your daily food. Get some self esteem and do the right thing, leave your husband, take care of yourself and then start looking for someone new.

Bank robbers do not plan a robbery with the intention of being caught, they assume they are more intelligent than those in jail and that they will get away with it. Cheating partners are exactly the same, they don’t have an affair assuming they will get caught out, they assume they are too careful, too clever to be caught committing adultery but how wrong they are.

It is a sad fact that some partners do cheat and all too often it ends in disaster, divorce and financial difficulty, all for an afternoon or two of ‘fun’.

Here are 7 signs of a cheating partner, provided by a firm of very experienced private investigators in the UK. If you are cheating and your partner hires these guys then be afraid, be very afraid, they WILL catch you out.

These signs show a pattern of behaviour followed by most cheaters and may help you assess whether your partner is cheating on you.

1. They get a second mobile phone, which is a pay as you go phone. They may claim this is a work phone or it’s for making private calls because work are clamping down on private calls on works mobiles. Pay as you go phones do not have itemised billing and calls and voicemail messages are easily deleted and cannot be retrieved. This covers their tracks nicely, as you cannot check their phone logs or bills.

2. They suddenly develop a new friend of the same gender, who they call and text regularly but you have never met. They know you will ask questions if they suddenly have a new number for someone of the opposite sex, so they save the number and change Bob into Susan or Susan into Bob to allay your suspicions. As adults our friendships tend to develop slowly and we discuss the development of the new friendship with our partner (eg we met for lunch, snippets about their life as you learn more about them). A sudden new ‘best friend’ that they need to contact and meet regularly, just as children do, can be an indicator of something amiss.

3. After years of working regular hours they start to work overtime or at weekends but they are not earning overtime pay or receive a salary rise or bonus. It really is the oldest one in the book but people still use it because work activities are so often not questioned. This is an obvious indicator if coupled with other signs.

4. They start to hang out with single friends more often. We are all gender biased in favour of our own gender to a degree and single friends will often provide cover stories for married friends affairs. If your partner used to meet a single friend for drinks once a month and it’s now twice a week, start asking yourself questions.

5. They start to treat you differently, either less or more affectionately. The age old joke about a husband bringing his wife flowers for no reason being an indicator of an affair is all too often true. Why? Because people that are cheating change emotionally, they are excited, they are happy, they are scared of being caught, etc and only a sociopath can hide these emotional changes. They may go off you totally or try to compensate for their guilty feelings by being more affectionate toward you.

6. They change their appearance, start going to the gym and suddenly become more interested in their looks. We all like to look our best when we are dating and someone new showing interested in us lifts our ego and this makes us more aware of our appearance. They may start to wear new sexier underwear or tighter fitting clothes and spend longer getting ready when they are going out.

7. If you are suspicious and you confront them with your fears they become very defensive and deny, deny, deny. The Two Ronnies once did a brilliant comedy sketch where a wife walks in on her cheating spouse and he simply denies there is a woman in the room, as she is getting dressed in the background. They do not discuss your feelings or concerns, they simply get angry and defensive. If your partner loves you and is not cheating they will be more concerned with dealing with your suspicions but if they are cheating they will simply be concerned about not getting caught and this makes them scared and angry. So if they thrust the phone at you and say “here, call them then” do not back down and say “no, it’s ok I believe you”, that is exactly the reaction they want. If you take the phone off them to call, a cheating partner will snatch the phone back and start ranting about lack of trust.

There is some excellent advice on ways to catch a cheating partner on Salgado Investigations website and if you suspect your partner is cheating I suggest you read it.

If you are thinking about hiring a private investigator but not sure who to look for in your area then check out Salgado and find a firm that offer similar services where you are. It may seem extreme to employ a PI but these days there is often so much at stake in a divorce that in the long run it may be worth it.