It’s easy to think or say “it’s just a bit of fun and nobody will get hurt” but the reality of these arrangements is more often than not a broken friendship and emotional pain for one participant.

The worst reason to get into a friends with benefits relationship is fooling yourself that it can start out this way and will develop into a full blown romantic loving relationship … the odds are it won’t and you will just get hurt and used.

If you are tempted to get into a friends with benefits relationship, perhaps in order to keep loneliness at bay for a short time or until Mr/Miss Right comes along, then you may wish to consider these points before agreeing to be a “friend with benefits”.

Men and Woman ARE Different

Usually in friends with benefits relationships men are after the benefits and women are after the friendship, sorry men but that’s the honest truth. Firstly we have to understand the difference between love and lust and decide what we are really looking for.

A night in with a friend, a pizza, weepy video and sofa hug will generally make a woman feel satified emotionally and it’s a small price for a man to pay to get the “benefits”.

Would you agree to do this with just any friend?

I would think the answer is a resounding no, so before agreeing to such an arrangement take a long hard look at a good friend of the opposite sex that you would definately not agree to be a friend with benefits with.

Why are they any different, you just need some sexual satisfaction with someone you trust but without emotional involvement right? In order to agree to sleep with someone there has to be some attraction involved and attraction is an emotion .. so how do you now stick to the rules of friends with benefits and not get emotionally involved?

What Are the Benefits For You?

Given the above (you may not even be aware of any feelings you have for your friend but to even consider this arrangement you should accept those feelings must be there) what will happen to the friendship when those feelings begin to emerge for one of you?

Can your friendship survive the hurt feelings of rejection or the jealousy when you see your friend with someone else. Of course you can deny, deny, deny your emotions but when you are back in your bed alone at night crying what benefit will you have gained from this arrangement?

Not Interesting Enough to Date

If someone you just met said “you don’t interest me enough to date but do you fancy a roll in the hay just to relieve my tensions” how would you react? In effect the friend that suggests a “friends with benefits” relationship is saying exactly the same thing, all they are looking for is sexual gratification without any strings or emotional attachment. Are you really willing to sell yourself so short?

You Deserve Better

I know it is really easy to say “you deserve better so wait for the right guy or girl” but that is no comfort when you are feeling utterly lonely and looking for love. Loneliness is all consuming at times  and causes us to hurt emotionally but we also know it comes and goes.

You can be miserable or motivate yourself it really is a choice we make and we don’t have to resort to friends with benefits to keep lonliness at bay.

It is not only weak people that become victims of abuse, I was a very strong and independent career woman but found myself a victim in an abusive relationship. I was not used to anyone dominating me so when it did happen I just turned into mush and didn’t know what to do.

Approximately 20% of domestic abuse victims in Britain are men. The good news for male victims is statistics show that once out of the relationship their female partners tend not to harrass you.

Abuse of any kind quickly starts to remove your confidence, you begin to believe this is your fault and all the things they tell you that you cannot do without them, you begin to believe.

The first step is to recognise warning signs of an abusive relationship and understand that signs of abuse may be subtle, not all abusers are hitters.

Take a moment to read this list comparing healthy and abusive relationships and tick each attribute that you feel best describes your current relationship. Can you see any warning signs?

As our confidence erodes we need people outside the situation to either be honest with us or remove us from the situation.

There is NO shame in being the victim of abuse or not being “strong” enough to recognise it or walk away from it. It is not a fault in ourselves, the actions of these people are designed to make us feel small and incapable.

Read as much as you can about the mind of an abuser but not so you can understand them or feel sorry for them. Learn to make you strong mentally, when you understand why they treat you in such a way then you can begin to recognise that it is not your fault and you are not the terrible person they tell you you are.

To move forward we have to recognise that we are not made of stone and anyone can be a victim but we choose not to be a victim anymore.

Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy, I know I have been there but there is a lot of help out there, you just have to be strong enough to ask for it.

I heard those words so many times … “I’m sorry it will never happen again” … it almost always does. You feel too weak to leave, too incapable of surviving outside your current situation.

That is not the case, it is your partners actions that are making you feel that way and believe me after you leave it only takes a short time until your inner strength begins to rebuild itself and you start to wonder why you stayed there so long.

For advice and help with abusive relationships in the UK, including emergency hotlines and shelters contact:

Womens Aid – for women and children suffering from domestic violence and they have a FREE 24 hour emergency hotline .. 0808 2000 247

Refuge – for domestic violence help for women and children they also offer a FREE 24 hour helpline 0808 2000 247

Al-Anon – for families and friends of alcoholics, this is a branch of Alcoholics Anonymous but is for family and friends suffering because of someones drinking problem. You can call their helpline from 10am to 10pm 365 days a year .. 020 7403 0888

Broken Rainbow – for lesbians and gay men suffering domestic violence, you can only call at certain times. Mon 2-8pm, Wed 10-1pm and Thur 2-8pm .. 08452 604460

Mens Advice Line – for Domestic Abuse – Help & Support for Men, their lines are open Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm .. 0808 801 0327

The BBC ia a good resource for quick information on domestic violence – practical help for victims, such as removing a partner from your home, legal issues, housing, shelters, benefits, etc.

The Mayo Clinic offers excellent advice for seeking help with domestic violence in the US.

Don’t forget your Doctor will have a welath of information about where to get help if you are in an abusive relationship and if you are in danger call the police.

Please do not allow yourself to be a victim anymore, ask someone you know for help now.