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By the time we reach a certain age, we usually accumulate a few skeletons in our closets regarding mistakes we have made in the relationship department.  We love to judge celebrities when they make their very public blunders, but the truth is people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.  And let’s face it, we all live in glass houses.  No one is perfect.  Mistakes are life’s way of teaching us lessons and hopefully we will learn from them and not make the same mistake twice.

So that being said, a few years ago I was involved in a relationship that was clearly a mistake and it turned out to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced.  By the time I came to the realization that I was in an extremely bad situation, I was already in over-my-head and emotionally involved.  And let me state for the record, I am a very emotional gal.  And in hindsight, I realize I was very naïve as well.

So tell us already?  What happened?  Well…here’s the gist—

I had been single for a long time and I was fed up with it.  I started dating online and met a few nice guys but nobody special. Then I met a great guy online.  I suppose the red flags should have started going up immediately, but I looked the other way.  He was attentive, affectionate, generous and passionate.  He seemed to listen to me and take great interest in my life.  He was an amazing lover.  He said things to me I had never had a man say to me before.  And he treated me in a way I had never been treated.  And then, three months into this seemingly wonderful relationship, I found out he was married.  Yup.  Married.  He went online looking for love when he was a married man.  And when he met me, I guess he sort of forgot to tell me.

The obvious question is “when you found out he was married, why didn’t you dump him?”  Great question…why didn’t I?  Well, we did split up for awhile.  But then he asked to see me again and in my naivety, I believed what he told me.  I believed he was sorry.  I believed he was miserable in his marriage and he was going to leave his wife.  I believed him when he said he only wanted to be with me.  I am not the femme-fatale type. I am not a home wrecker. I would never have walked into this situation knowingly. I certainly wasn’t looking to become involved with a married man. And I would like to think that if he and his wife had children, I never would have stayed with him at all.  But they didn’t have children, and I thought I was in love. It’s very interesting the things we tell ourselves to justify and rationalize our behavior.

Obviously, the entire relationship was a lie.  But at the time, it felt like a fantasy.  And I spent
3 ½ years waiting for that fantasy to come true.  You can call me stupid, it’s okay.  It’s not any worse than the things I called myself while I was in it.
The fact is I’m not a stupid woman. I’m quite intelligent.  And I had a lot of friends telling me to walk away. I constantly told myself to walk away but I couldn’t seem to do it.  It’s apparent that at the time my self-esteem was at an all time low, and I guess I didn’t think I was good enough to be someone’s first choice.

I thought about his wife all time. I never met her, but she occupied my thoughts.  And I became continually angrier at him for lying, not just to me, but to both of us.  Anger is good, because it was the very thing I needed to motivate me to end it.  I don’t believe he would have taken any action at all.  He wouldn’t have left his wife.  He wouldn’t have left me.  The guy had a good thing going.  I ripped myself away from him because I needed to get my life back and I needed to feel like a whole person again.

I know his wife knew about the affair, but I also know they are still together.  That is her story to tell, why she remains with her husband.  As for me, I needed to mourn the loss as if it were a death.  I went through the grieving process.  And eventually, since time does heal all wounds, I was able to let go of the hurt, anger and betrayal and move forward with my life.  I learned a lot about myself from that experience, but I also learned that I needed to let it go.  If I didn’t, I would never be able to love or trust another man again.

Bio: Debbie Lamedman is a professional blogger and freelance writer who writes about online dating and relationships.  Debbie writes for a variety of different relationship websites including DatingServices.net