I certainly can’t say whether you should leave him, I have not met either of you and I have only heard your side of the story. Only you can make the decision.

It is unfortunate you lost your temper but the fact that he asked you delete people who made him feel uncomfortable and then refused to do the same should tell you something. It’s also interesting to see you recognise that he cheated in order to be with you so that immediately broke the trust at the beginning of your relationship.

Taming a player is rather like trying to catch water in a cup made of sand … virtually impossible. The only way to do it is to be totally aloof and uninterested in him and from your comments I don’t think you could do that. Think long and hard about what kind of relationship you have, what kind you want and whether you think he can ever offer you that … then you will have your answer of what to do next.

This is certainly not casual flirting. Asking for girls numbers and if he can meet them is far from casual flirting. If I am out with my husband and he notices a pretty girl serving us, then smiles and puffs his chest out then I consider it casual flirting and nothing for me to get bent out of shape over but if he asked her for her number or I found he went back to see her then he would be crossing a line I would not accept.

There are two issues here. The first is his behaviour is not suggestive of a man in a committed relationship with you. The other is your spying. Ask yourself honestly, did you spy on him from the first days of your relationship or did his behaviour make you start spying? There is a very true saying, if you accuse someone of wrong doing often enough they will probably eventually do it because they’re going to get blamed for it anyway. Only you can honestly answer this question and perhaps his behaviour caused your reactions but you need to be honest about it before you can find a solution.

Why did you delete his ex’s contact details? The right thing to do would have been to ask him to delete her details. Men don’t like to be controlled and caged in this way, where you decide who they can speak to and let’s be honest you don’t like him saying who you can chat to, so why should he?

I think it’s time you had a serious talk with him and together set out some boundaries for your relationship. It’s time to be totally honest with each other and decide if you are in a committed relationship and if so where can you both draw the line. Don’t sit and say “I know you did and said this, this and this so whats going on” as it will immediately put him on the defensive. Start by asking him if he chats to other women or meets other women .. give him the chance to come clean and explain what’s going on. Even if he says yes he does, stay calm and ask why. Get him to talk about why he gets jealous when you chat to guys but then he chats to women.

Of course if he insists on controlling who you chat to then he has to be open to you controlling who he chats to, that is compromise.

If he is willing to be totally honest and you both stay calm you should get to the point where you can decide appropriate behaviour for you both in the future. It may be you are both jealous and need to build more trust or it may be you both decide you are not in the right relationship .. either way it is better to sort it out. If you both really love each other you have to compromise and find a way forward you both find acceptable.

On a personal note you have to decide what you are prepared to accept in order to stay in the relationship. For example if he does cheat can you live with that? Can you lay down rules for cheating, as some couples are able to or will you drive yourself nuts wondering where he is and who with? A relationship is a two way street and you BOTH have to be happy in it … one lesson myself and many friends have had to learn is that men are simple creatures, all they want when they come home is their woman to have a smile on her face and be relaxed and happy. Walking in to bitching, moaning, spying and demanding is the best way to send a man elsewhere.

I’m afraid I have to take issue with your chosen username here … you were actually destroyed by NON innocent flirting and a husband who didn’t respect you. The fact that he would compare you to other women, particularly airbrushed actresses, is severly disrespectful and deliberately hurtful.

From what you say nothing about your post suggests your husband was innocently flirting, he was being an arrogant jerk and simply refusing to deal with the real issues in his marriage.

I have never bought the claim that ‘it’s normal, everyone does it.’ Why? BECAUSE I DON’T DO IT MYSELF.

If you’re flirting with single people, yes, no harm will come of it.

If it’s a person who’s in a committed relationship then I’m sorry but YOU’RE DISRESPECTING THE COUPLE BY VIOLATING THEIR RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES. AND PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS WHO FLIRT WITH OTHER PEOPLE ARE DISRESPECTING AND VIOLATING THEIR PARTNER’S PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.

My H naturally says there’s nothing wrong with appreciating the female form. He says it’s normal for men to ‘innocently look’. But what does one do when he’s using the ‘men are behaving normally’ routine as an excuse for deliberately noticing attractive women and rubbing it in one’s face?

For me it started with him going on about actresses that he had crushes on / found attractive; he’d compare me to them (and still does), and using a ‘Joy of Sex’ book he bought to stare at the gogeous female model at the front of the book (I was imagining you in that pose’ was his ‘reason’ for doing it); he’s also done the same thing with models in the Sunday supplements modelling clothes.

Then he targetted an ex work colleague of mine when my H and I went out with her and a friend of his. He focused on her all night, totally ignored me, blatantly looked her up and down in front of me and deliberately sat on a chair next to her and opposite me. He was incredibly attentive and friendly with her and acted as if she was his partner.

His friend was astonished by his behaviour. All I could do was shrug and endure the humiliation of knowing that he’s never been THAT attentive and friendly with me. I get his attention when he sees fit – which is usually when he wants sex or company ON HIS TERMS.

The morning after we had a huge argument about his behaviour with her and all he could do was compare me to her – ‘why can’t you be as nice as she is?’ ‘She’s got a lovely personality, why don’t you?’ She’s got a lovely figure; if only your legs were that long.’

Last year he had an emotional affair with a woman at a place he does voluntary work with. She hit on him, he reciprocated. He told me what she was doing (commenting on his great dress sense, giving him a DVD of a documentary she made only days after she met him, asking him to stay behind to proof read something she wrote, finding reasons to touch him, the list is endless). He developed a crush on her and even hinted he’d leave me for her.

I ended up seeing a counsellor, taking 6 weeks off work for stress and going under the care of my GP because my counsellor, having seen my acute dstress, urged me to get antidepressants to cope.

On top of this he was also behaving inapropriately with other young women at this place, taking photos of them all together and showing them to me when he got home. He’s behaved inappropriately with at least 8 women and young girls since; the sense of betrayal and devestation I feel is incalculable. He just wants me to forgive and forget; I can’t.

And his reason for doing all this? Because he wasn’t happy with our marriage. The fact is he’s always neglected me and our marriage and as a result it’s a total mess. BUT HE BLAMES ME.

Well, as my counsellor said, he behaved appallingly. FLIRTING CAUSES DAMAGE TO RELATIONSHIPS. IT’S AN ACT OF TOTAL DISRESPECT AD SELFISHNESS. BY GOING ALONG WITH MY H’S BEHAVIOUR ALL THESE WOMEN HAVE BEHAVED INAPPROPRIATELY TOO, VIOLATED MY MARRIAGE AND MY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, TOTALLY DISRESPECTED ME AND HUMILIATED ME.

So all you people who think flirting with other people’s partners is harmless: THINK ON ABOUT THE HARM YOU’RE DOING TO UNDERMINE THAT PERSON’S RELATIONSHIP AND THEIR PARTNER’S DIGNITY.

Looking after some nice women is okay, but not flirting with them!

Never settle for anything less than you deserve. Guys who flirt have strong tendancy to cheat. Honestly the comments are intresting and have put forth a great debate. The debate being “it’s normal” and “it not”. The compromise is that every individual has different expectations and different values. Some people will settle for less and some for more and therefore they need to find a man/woman compatable with their ethics. In all honestly I believe that the power of love should over rule the power of lust and when love is real and pure… Insecurities shouldn’t reach the surface.

Why don’t you go to marriage guidance counselling. Your wife clearly doesn’t feel secure in your marriage as I see nothing in your examples to warrant such jealousy but of course this is only one side of the story.

Sometimes we need to lay it all out there and look at the truth of our own actions and how they affect our partner, counselling will help you do this in a positive way.

Understanding where your wifes insecurities come from and accepting you have different levels of neediness is surely the first step to take by being completely honest and open with each other. By getting external help you can both learn to find behaviour patterns where your wife remains feeling secure but you aren’t having to walk around on egg shells … it will take compromise on both parts but you are married for a reason and that reason is worth working hard for.