I am always amazed at the amount of ebooks being sold on websites devoted to how to get your ex back.

But I have to ask the question … why would you want to read ebooks on how to get them back?

I can’t sit here and give you a formula for getting your ex back because I have no idea what went wrong with your relationship leading to divorce or the dynamics that your personal relationship is built on.

Was it a broken trust, an addiction, boredom, grown apart, money worries, etc that led to divorce or seperation?

Because it’s got to the break up stage it is way past simple internet dating advice on this blog or in a 39 dollar ebook.

Ok so your ex dumped you and you’re miserable, you miss them terribly and want them back, you can’t eat or sleep for thinking about them so you are desperately seeking any way to get them back … the answer doesn’t lie in ebooks (neither does the way to earn 1000 dollars a night while sleeping).

You can get your ex back if you are both willing to put a lot of hard work into the relationship, there is no short cut or magic wand.

Most couples that get back together go through a natural process, they still love each other but need some time and space to work out a problem or set of problems within their relationship.

They can do this themselves or through professional relationship counselling but I will bet my last pound no successful second time relationship was through the wisdom of ebooks … go on call me a cynic.

No amount of trickery is going to speed up that process or bring back someone that simply doesn’t love you anymore, so why waste your money on ebooks.

You can use any of the usual methods:

1. No contact -

This is designed to make your ex miss you like crazy and realise you are really the great love of their life when you pop back into their lives all fresh and new and sparkly having lost 20kg, got a new hair cut and taken up bungee jumping .. of course what often happens is they simply get on with their lives while you still haven’t accepted it’s over, prolonging your heartache. Basically it’s the if you love them let them go theory and if they still love you they will come back.

2. Jealousy

Yeah way to go, use someone in order to make your ex jealous. This often works … until the second honeymoon period is over and life gets back to the way it was when your ex realised they weren’t happy.

3. Emotional blackmail

You can use the kids, cry hysterically and turn into a lump of quivering jelly or as a last resort you can threaten suicide. Again this may work but only for a short period of time and why on earth would you want someone on those terms.

What I do like about the “how to get your ex back” advice which suggests no contact is at least they suggest you get on with your life.

Go get a new hobby, go socialising, get fit, find a new lease on life … why I like this plan is basically with any luck once you have done all that you won’t even remember your ex’s middle name is, you will then be on the road to getting over them.

Almost all of these how to get your ex back websites are simply trying to sell you an ebook, which of course doesn’t deal with the billion different reasons relationships break up and without dealing with the cause you can’t fix the symptoms.

So here’s what you need to know for free:

1. Is your ex already in a new relationship?

Yes .. then there is slim to no chance of getting them back, they have already moved on and you must too.

No … then there is some hope you could win them back if they are still emotionally invested in you, ask them if they would be prepared to visit relationship counselling with you and seek professional help. Leave the dramatics and blame game  out of it and talk as rational, controlled adults about your relationship problems.

2. Does your ex know why they dumped you?

Yes … if it’s something tangible (money worries, you became a couch potato, your porn addiction, your drinking habits, an affair, etc) then speak to your ex and if they can see you are really trying to change then they may wait around to see if you can change long term.

No … they say they just fell out of love with you. In this situation it is very hard to bring the love back long term. Many people fall out of love and simply can’t explain why, if you don’t know what went wrong then you simply can’t fix it but some time apart may rekinkle feelings if you keep lines of communication open and friendly (not hysterical and demanding).

3. Are you both still talking about the relationship or break up?

Yes … this is  a good sign because it means they are still emotionally invested in you. Try to meet up and calmly talk through what your ex feels went wrong with the relationship and whether it is something that can be “fixed”, maybe they would be prepared to go to relationship counselling with you.

No … bad sign, they are indifferent to you and therefore have no emotion left for you at all, time to accept it and move on.

4. Are you emotionally blackmailing them by calling them crying at 2am?

Yes … stop it, even if you manage to make them feel guilty enough to come back they are unlikely to stay long term. No strong or lasting relationship is built on guilt.

No … good, well done. Now follow the no contact rule and get on with your life. If they still care about you the phone will ring when they’re ready.

5. Are lines of communication still open?

Yes … then forget buying ebooks, they are just playing on your emotional state and current desperation. Go to the Relate website, they are professionals in relationship counselling and then discuss with your ex whether they would be prepared to work on identifiying the problems in and fixing your relationship with the help of Relate (this can be done by email if necessary).

No … again go to the Relate website but go to the if you’re seperating section. Find out about reopening lines of communication but in the meantime learn how to start moving on.

The Helpguide has some really good advice on moving on after a break up.

This may not be what you want to hear at the moment but the crying, constant phone calls, emotional game playing and the blame game is just driving them further away.

You have to take a deep breath and communicate in a calm, rational way. If your ex shows no willingness to sit down and talk then you have to give then time and space but accept they may never be ready to talk, they may just want to move on.

You can try to get professional help to rebuild your relationship, if your ex is willing or maybe it’s time to start accepting it’s over and move on but stop searching the internet for how to get your ex back, there is no magic solution.

That does not mean dropping subtle hints and hoping they get the message, be firm and direct but try to be honest and thoughtful.

4 Don’ts When You Ditch Someone

1. Don’t use tired old cliches like “we will still be friends” or “it’s not you it’s me”. Nobody is fooled by them and it does not help mend their hurt feelings or boost their ego.

2. Don’t be a coward and send a text message or email, this makes it easier for you but not for them. Your time together was intimate so make the break up intimate too, if you need to write down how you feel then make sure you are there when they read it and answer their questions honestly.

3. Do not start a fight in order to dump someone, again a cowardly trick which only makes things easier for you.

4. Be firm and stick to your guns, being talked into giving it one more try or taking the relationship a step further in order to “mend” the relationship is very unlikely to work. Guilt does not repair a relationship so unless during the ditching conversation you get a rush of new found love for your partner then giving in to their guilt is just going to prolong the agony.

4 Do’s When You Ditch Someone

1. Choose your time and place, at their parents wedding anniversary, out with friends or in the middle of a night of passion is NOT the right time or place. Go somewhere private and get to the point quickly.

2. Take responsibility for your emotions, if they are simply not ‘the one’ say so, be honest but not insulting. If your partners jealousy or flirtation is the reason for the break up then simply say so, give them the opportunity to not make the same mistake again.

3. Finish your current relationship before moving on to the next, do not try to find a replacement before you break up with your current partner. Being told you are simply not the one or I love you but am no longer in love with you is much easier for your partner to emotionally handle in the long run than “I have met someone new”.

4. Ditch your partner in a way you would like to be ditched, none of us would “like” to be ditched but if it has to happen consider what would cause you the least hurt and follow suit. Remember the good times you had together and respect that your partner has to move on with their lives as quickly and with the least amount of pain possible in these situations.

However I came across this quote by Dr Wayne W Dyer:

“Be miserable or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.”

Dr Dyer is talking about life in general, any event that you have to tackle but of course this also refers to dating and relationships too.

As the owner of a dating website I chat to people all day about relationships, loneliness, heartbreak and moving on after divorce. As well as a traditional dating site we also have an active forum where a group of like-minded friends get together to chat and this is where my love of people watching is fulfilled.

At least 70% of the new members that chat in the forum are over 40 and believe they are destined to be single forever, their chance of love has passed them by.

Of course we all say what nonsense that is and a new love could turn up at any time but I know from experience that once that attitudes takes hold it is hard to shake.

I am always delighted to get emails saying “I have met someone” but last weeks email was even more special than usual. The lady in question was a die hard ‘there is no hope of finding love again’ person, she was utterly convinced that at 46 her love life was over and done with.

We all encouraged her to get out more, to be more sociable and motivate herself to forget about finding a relationship and just try to find some fun. She did exactly that and once she stopped focusing on finding a man, he found her.

You have a choice, sit and be miserable or get out of your current mood and motivate yourself. A happy, fun person will without doubt attract more attention than a dull, life is over person.

Having trouble motivating yourself? Try these 25 ways to motivate yourself and see how easy it is to change your lifestyle.

When you have history with someone and they no longer want or need you it hurts, you feel as though your life is broken.

Pieces of your life are littering the floor, the idea of dating again is unappealing but it is possible to turn virtually any negative into a positive.

They say life is a rich tapestry and surely it is, with memories both happy and sad affecting who we are as people today.

Rather than a tapestry try to think of your life as a painted plate, each chapter of your life is painted onto the ceramic plate. When you go through a divorce the plate shatters and you are no longer sure who you are but this is a great opportunity to renew yourself.

look at the individual pieces of your life lying on the floor, the different colours, the missed opportunities and the pain you wish you hadn’t experienced.

Now only pick up the pieces you want to keep, remember that when you glue the pieces together the glued sections are actually stronger than the original pieces.

Are there gaps where you wish you had grabbed the opportunity to go sky diving or learn to salsa? Do it now, you are free to make your own choices, to put together a new plate made up of only the pieces that matter to you.

Those broken pieces that you do not want to carry with you into your future just sweep up and throw in the bin. This is a new beginning, a chance to start afresh and be the person you know you can be.

Think how beautiful a mosaic can be and this is made up of small broken fragments, you too can be beautiful and once you realise this you will be ready to date again.

It may not feel as easy as it sounds, it isn’t of course but the important thing is to remember that everything starts somewhere, just picking up one piece and being happy with it is a start toward your future happiness.

Divorce also often leaves us with diminished confidence and the years of marriage have blunted our dating skills. So how do we get back out there and start dating again?

Here are 5 tips for dating after divorce:

1. Embrace being single

You have decided you want to date again, you are sick of being single and get lonely in the evenings, so why am I telling you to embrace being single? When you are single and lonely it is all too easy to start going out with entirely unsuitable people just to fill the gap. Once you start to embrace being single you will see that it allows you the choice to pick carefully who you are going to date. What I mean by this is not to love being single or determine that you are destined to be single forever but see it as a positive step toward finding someone new, you are now single and have all the time in the world to find Mr/Miss Right. It’s better to go out with your friends or stay home with a good book than date someone just for the company, it saves a lot of heartache.

2. Positive Self Image

So during your marriage you got into a rut and swapped the sexy clothes for baggy sweaters, you dye your own hair now and you simply no longer feel attractive. So why would a date be attracted to you, not because of the sloppy sweaters but because of the negative self image you have. Next you need to deal with your self image. Buy a book on positive self image, get your hair done professionally, dig those sexy clothes out of the back of the wardrobe and when you can stand in front of a mirror and smile then you are ready to date again. I repeat, it’s not about the clothes or the hair they are just a confidence building tool, it’s about having and projecting a positive attitude about yourself.

3. Social Circle

Build a new social circle before you consider dating again. Friends are a great source for bouncing ideas off, they will let us know if the person we are thinking of dating has also dated every man/woman in a 5 mile radius and they help to build our confidence again. A social life away from dating will also stop us feeling desperate to find someone to fill those lonely evenings and dates can spot desperation a mile away (it’s not an attractive quality in case you haven’t realised).

4. Hobbies

Ever fancied salsa dancing, pottery or archery? Now is the time to give it a go. Never thought of having a hobby, then it is time to try one. Everyone says to newly single people “get a hobby” but there is much wisdom in what is usually a throw away comment. It doesn’t even have to cost you any money, most libraries have a book club, most areas have free classes for single parents and even in the middle of nowhere you will find a rambling club. This will get you out of the house, making new friends and increasing your positive self image. Do not tell me you don’t have any time, a friend of mine is a single mother, works 14 hours a day mon-fri and is the most socially active person I know, forever going sailing, playing sports, taking the kids to museums, etc – it’s all about positive mental attitude.

5. Join the Girl Guides or Boy Scouts

Silly joke, however the boy scouts and girl guides are “always prepared” and you need to be too. There are known patterns to online dating sites, with Christmas and the New Year being the busiest time of year because this is when singles feel most lonely. Think ahead to your anniversary date, your ex’s birthday, holidays and plan for them. You will probably feel sad or lonely at these times so arrange to visit family or friends, book a weekend away or do something special for yourself that you always enjoy and will take your mind off your situation.