Almost every successful online dating scam follows a set pattern of behaviour.

Once scammers find something that works they will use it until people get wise to the scam and then move on to something new.

Unfortunately, as dating scams deal with our most basic instinct (the desire to love and be loved) this old trick is not running it’s course, it still works every day.

Here is the basic behavior pattern of an internet dating scammer, the psychology behind each step and the red flags to look for … learn to read the signs.

The Scammers Approach

They will send a short introductory message as soon as you or they join the site. They will often approach people 10 to 15 years older than they say they are.

They will very quickly (usually in the first one or two messages) want to move off the site and on to yahoo, msn or mobile texting.

If you agree to move off the dating site within 2 days they will remove their profile from that site and inform you they have done this because they know they have found the one they were looking for.

They will explain that English is not their first language so they are slow at typing (in actual fact they take so long to respond because they are also chatting to 4 other potential victims at the same time).

Red flag:

They want to get you off the dating site as quickly as possible .. ask yourself why?

Scammers Cover Story

This is just one cover story but it will give you an idea of how creative they are.

They will begin by telling you they are a business man or woman and are either currently doing contract work  in an African country or they are in Europe at the moment but will be travelling to Africa on business soon.

They will usually say they are French, Belgian, Dutch, Italian or whatever because when you speak on the phone it can be difficult to tell what their accent is.

Together

They will chat to you daily and within a week they will tell you they are in love with you, they have been waiting for you all their life, they have dreamed of meeting someone like you and they can’t wait for you to be together.

They are perfect for you, almost too good to be true. Everything they tell you sounds like they read your profile and messages then invented their entire persona just for you (there’s a hint in there).

They will quickly talk of visiting you with a view to moving your relationship to the physical level and will talk of marriage.

Red Flag:

Too much, too soon, never met and nobody is that perfect for you. It’s one of the joys of relationships, we have to compromise and if someone is just “perfect” then you should smell a rat.

First Request For Money

This will usually come after 10 to 14 days of chatting daily and take one of four forms. The request will be in an amount from 1000 to 20000 UK pounds or US dollars (although sometimes much more), they will sound so embarrassed to have to ask you BUT:

1. A medical emergency
2. Victim of a crime.
3. Visa money and flight money to come to be with you.
4. A business deal is slipping through their fingers.

The medical emergency will take the form of needing to see a doctor because they are sick or must pay a hospital bill for either them or a close family member. They will say it’s only a loan, someone owes them money and as soon as they get it they will send it right back to you.

The crime will take the form of their wallet/passport/laptop/luggage has been stolen and they are stuck in Africa and need to get home (this may be coupled with the need to pay the hospital bill after the attack).

Of course they have to travel a few hundred miles to apply for the visa, then travel back for the interview and that’s expensive .. the fact that our embassies now accept initial online applications should warn you here.  They also need flight money to come to see you, someone owes them money which they could use but they won’t get it back for a few weeks and they just can’t wait that long to be with you. As soon as they get their money back they will send you what they owe you. Others just say they can’t afford it and if you are to be together then can you pay for their flight.

A great deal came up and they have paid 200,000 plus for heavy machinery/gold/precious stones/etc but they are short 20,000. When they are back home they can sell it for more than double what they are paying for it. Their bank doesn’t have a branch over there so he/she can’t get the remaining money wired to them .. can you just help him/her out and they’ll split the profits with you when they get back and sell their purchases.

Please note that in any of these scenario’s if you say you can’t afford the amount they are asking for they will simply ask for less and try to get the remaining amount elsewhere … and yet they had to ask you, a total stranger, for the money.

Any money you send needs to be sent through Western Union.

Red Flags:

1. A business person that travels frequently and goes to Africa without medical insurance .. pull the other one.
2. If they’re a victim of crime why haven’t they gone to their Embassy for help, that’s what they’re there for and they WILL help in such circumstances.
3. They are so desperate to meet you but never suggest you go to meet them when they get back to their home country, just send them money and they’ll come to you.
4. A business person that can’t get to a bank there but was allowed to wander through customs with 200,000 in cash, which they just happened to be carrying in case they fancied a bite to eat .. I don’t think so!!
5. If the words Western Union and internet dating crop up in the same sentence run a mile.

If you Don’t Send Money

If you sound even slightly hesitant about sending money or say you simply can’t afford to, they will suddenly go into fits of remorse for even asking you .. you will get a tyrade of what a dreadful person they are and they will never forgive themselves for asking .. blah blah blah.

Once they are sure you feel really guilty and sorry for them, usually coupled with you saying you really want to help them but … they will start to ask for money again. Maybe you could just lend them a small part of what they need? Do you have a car you could sell?

Documentational Proof

In order to build trust and reassure you that you are not being scammed they will email you documentation to prove they are telling the truth and how much they need.

This may take the form of:

1. A hospital bill and letter from a doctor explaining they can’t release his/her passport until the bill is paid.
2. A police report detailing the crime and the value of what was stolen.
3. A letter from a travel agent explaining the flight has been booked and they await x number of pounds/dollars to pay for the flight or even a copy of the flight booking confirmation.
4. A receipt from the business they are buying from detailing their purchase and the amount outstanding. This will often state that if the outstanding amount is not paid he/she will lose the money already paid.

Red Flags:

All of these documents are written in English, even the police report .. how convenient, that means you can read them.

I could produce any of these documents in about 10 minutes with my laptop and photoshop.

You can book a flight online and print off the booking confirmation straight away, then cancel the booking. This is such an effective tool though psychologically because you “see” the flight they are coming on, so it can’t be a con … can it?

It’s all proof of nothing other than their ability to use a computer.

Second Request for Money

If you send any money for a flight it will quickly be followed by a second request.

The most popular of these is the Basic Travel Allowance (BTA).

This is where the psychology of the scam gets you in two ways.

Firstly it gets you emotionally, you desperately want to meet this perfect love of your life or you wouldn’t have sent the flight money (usually 2-3000). They sound so utterly disappointed when they tell you they went to get their visa and the embassy/government/travel agent explained they need BTA money in cash, 800-1000 pounds or dollars, which has to be shown at the departure desk.

Secondly you may begin to smell a rat but you’ve already sent a lot of money, so your brain will be desperately trying to convince you that you haven’t just been scammed (even though in your heart you know you have).

You may decide to cut your losses and break contact but many victims of scams try to give them the benefit of the doubt in the hopes of this person really being the love they are looking for and in the hope they haven’t just become the latest victim of a dating scammer.

Red Flags:

There is no such thing as BTA. Before sending any money for visa/passport/travel requirements check the internet, look at your embassy website and establish what is actually needed and what is just an attempt to part you from your hard earned cash.

I know this all makes it sound very “any idiot could work it out” and in the cold light of day they could but these people are very good at what they do and are very convincing.

Please learn the behaviour patterns of online dating scammers so you don’t become a victim.

Before you start playing hot and frisky or declaring love to someone from an online dating site do a little research to find out if they are a Nigerian dating scammer.

First of all make sure you understand what the 419 internet dating scam is and how it works.

Remember these scammers are everywhere, not just in major online dating sites but also on forums and in chatrooms about every topic there is.

Even very small niche dating websites can occasionally let one slip through the net depending on how experienced the scammer is.

Now let’s start investigating this too good to be true, dying to get married to you person.

1. Trace the Dating Profile Photo

Is the dating profile photo just too good to be true, does it look like a model? If so it probably is.

The photo I have used on this post is one a Nigerian scammer stole from a model agency website and was using on online dating profiles.

However more sophisticated Nigerian scammers are now using very ordinary holiday snaps they find around the internet.

So either copy the images from their profile if the website hasn’t blocked the copy feature or ask the person to email you their photo’s .. now go to TinEye.com and upload the photo’s.

Tineye is a reverse image search engine and will find the image online even if it has been altered.

This will tell you where the original photo was uploaded, eg a model agency website or someones photo album.

Romancescam also has a photo database of known scammers. Just go to Scam Digger upload the photo(s) and it will compare them to the ones in their database.

2. Check Email Adresses

The Nigerian scammers favourite email and chat provider by far is Yahoo, I would say that over 90% of the scam profiles I reject from my dating site are using yahoo email addresses.

Look out for addresses with 4u, 4luv, 4life, 4love, 4ever at the end .. eg lillian4u@yahoo.com, it’s no guarantee but does ring alarm bells.

3. Track the IP Address

An IP address will give you the location of the web server they are using, if it goes back to Nigeria or Senegal for example then you might want to rethink your budding relationship.

IP addresses can be routed through certain websites so you would see a UK or US ip address but you can track back to the original.

This excellent blog post will take you step by step through tracking the original IP address of an email sender in GMail, Yahoo and Outlook.

Once you find the ip address just go to a free ip locator website and paste it in the search box.

This then lists the country, region and city of the server the sender is using .. clever isn’t it.

4. Search Profile Information

If the person you are chatting to has a well written profile, with a good standard of English grammar then copy and paste a couple of phrases and do a google search.

I’ve just tried it with one of todays scammers profiles on my dating site and the phrases originate on a US blogs about me page.

5. Ask to Chat on Webcam

Be persistent about this. These scammers will send you up to 30 photo’s of ‘themselves’ (they are often all photos of the same model taken from an agency website) but a webcam will show you who you are talking to.

Of course they won’t have a webcam, even if you send them money to buy one they will reel off excuse after excuse as to why it won’t work but that is what you want.

The more they refuse to show themselves the more suspicious you will get and the aim here is to protect you from these people.

Signals of dating scams are quite easy to ignore if you are earnestly looking for someone to love you.

I say ‘to love you’ and not ‘find someone you can love’ because it is our emotional needs that these people prey on.

Before we look at specific dating scams you need to know the basics …

What is an online dating scammer?

There are two types of predators using online dating sites, players and scammers.

Players are looking for notches on their bedpost and this post will tell you how to spot and online dating player.

While both are playing on your emotional vulnerability, a scammer is a person who contacts you on an online dating site with the intention of making money from you, either for personal gain or for their employer.

Scammers are simply actors who play a role online to entice you to part with your money. They often have scripts and receive a percentage of the ‘profits’ they con out of you.

What is an online dating scam?

Dating scams come in many different forms but all share the same intention, to get you to pay.

The amounts of money involved vary, usually starting off with small requests for money so they can top up their mobile phone to call you (remember that 10 pounds sterling can equal a weeks pay in a poor country) but can lead to thousands of pounds once they have you hooked.

Consumer Direct (the UK Governments consumer protection website) defines a scammer as:

“An online dating scam is when a scammer, male or female, creates a false personal profile and makes contact with you via an online dating agency or even a specialised chat room. The scammer says that they are seeking romance or a soul mate but are really out to steal not only your heart but your cash too.”

This isn’t just the Nigerian ‘send a money order’ scam we are all hopefully familiar with now.

Other forms of scams involve getting you to visit premium rate websites or call premium rate telephone numbers.

There is also the ‘I want to meet you but need flight money, insurance, cash, visa’ or whatever but  of course on the day of travel their second cousin twice removed suddenly has a sick gerbil so they can’t travel. Of course they can’t possibly get a refund but if you send more money they will travel next month.

Over the next few posts we will look at some very specific scams, how to spot a dating scammer, the dating scammers toolbox and how to avoid scammers on online dating sites.

Where do scammers hang out?

Scammers are more often than not found on free dating websites, they are in this game to make money not spend it.

Those that do pay to join dating sites will join the largest international sites, as this offers a greater number of potential victims but no site is totally safe from scammers.

They will also join forums and chat rooms specifically for lonely hearts or dating.

People often mistakenly believe that scammers are male Africans but a quick look at the US Embassy website in Russia has an excellent question and answer section about internet dating scams which tells a very different story.

Victims of dating scams are stupid

If this is your opinion then think again. Surveys of victims of dating scams have shown that most are well educated, hard working singles and dare I say very ‘normal’ people.

One of the reasons these people get away with online dating scams is because their victims all believe they are not the type of person who could fall for a scammer, often believing they can spot a scammer a mile away.

We tend to hear more about women being scammed than men because men are less likely to come forward and admit they were scammed, however both men and women are regularly scammed online.

It is so important for all online daters to be educated and aware of online dating scams, which we will look at more closely in future posts. Remember to follow our 5 golden rules for online dating safety but for now we have answered the question of what is an online dating scam.

When it comes to online dating people are thinking with their emotions, they want to meet someone nice so it’s easy to ignore warning signs and trust too quickly.

It doesn’t matter how well you “think” you know a person from an online dating site, your safety must always be at the forefront of your mind.

Follow these 5 golden rules to online dating safety:

Join a Paid Dating Site

Yes I know, there are all those free sites out there so why should you pay. Very simply because the free sites are where the spammers, scammers and ner-do-wells hang out. Why should they pay when there are millions of potential victims on free sites. Paid sites collect credit card numbers, that is the sort of personal information scammers don’t like to give out. This does not eliminate the risks but it does greatly reduce them.

Personal Information

Flattery can lead people to hand out personal information within minutes of being contacted on a dating site. It’s quite frightening how much you can find out about someone with just a name, email address and phone number.

Guard your personal information well until you are sure you know who you’re talking to, use the sites services to chat for some time before handing out your personal details. If someone gets pushy about your information then ask yourself why.

Get a free email address just for online dating, so you can close it easily if need be. Get a dating mobile phone with a pay as you go card, again this can easily be cancelled. Use a free service like skype to chat online so you can see who you are talking to before you hand out your phone number.

Don’t Be Shy

Ask for personal information and check it! People often worry that the dream man or woman they are chatting to will think you don’t trust them if you insist on some personal information. Any genuine online dater will understand the online dating safety issues and be happy to reassure you with some personal details.

Ensure photos are recent, look for car models in the background, fashions and hairstyles .. are there any 80′s shoulder pads in the photo. Call any phone numbers they give you and call at odd times, not the same time every day, this helps to eliminate married people. Check snippets of information they give you, if they say they live in London and it was a bright sunny day then check the weather forecast for London.

Background Checks

Whether your paid online dating site offers a background check service or you do a background check yourself, remember people tell lies, particularly if they something to hide. No background check is a thorough police search into someones identity so don’t let yourself be fooled into a false sense of security.

All a basic background check does is check whether the information provided is correct and it does not ensure your safety. What if I tell you my name is Emily Parks and I work at Fairfield School as a primary teacher, I drive a red Toyota and have a dog named Spot. Now, what if I just gave you personal details of someone I know .. it will check out fine but that is no guarantee it’s me.

Meeting Up

Whether you are a man or woman you must think about your safety when meeting offline.

Always:

• Meet in a public place
• Tell someone where you are meeting
• Call a friend five minutes after you meet
• Tell your friend their car registration details if they came by car

Never:

• Allow them to collect you from home
• Let them book you a hotel
• Arrange to stay at their house
• Give them your credit card to pay for dinner while you nip to the toilet

romance and relationships

If you met someone in a bar and chatted for half an hour would you hand them your number? How much would you need to know about them before giving out your personal details?

The only difference with online encounters is we are never totally sure of who we are talking to, there is no eye contact or body language to get impressions from.

Because some weird people hang out online it makes us wary of everyone we meet on the internet but with a little forethought the net is no more dangerous than going to a bar and giving out your number to someone you meet.

Here are a couple of ways you can feel more confident before handing out your phone number to online contacts:

Use The Dating Websites Resources

It is amazing how many people send an initial contact message saying here is my phone number and email, please contact me and we can chat. Are you kidding me?! That is the same as walking up to a total stranger in the street and saying here’s my number call me, it may work for James Bond but he’s a fictional character. Set a personal rule that you will not move off the website until you have spoken 8 or 10 times to someone, it’s called respecting boundaries. Use whatever resources the dating website provides, send flirts, personal messages, use the forum, webcams or arrange to meet in the chatroom one night at 9pm (use private chat rooms if they have the facility). If someone seems desperate to get off the website to chat, then ask yourself why, what is their desperation about and do you really want to meet someone desperate. This is a particular red flag if you are looking for a serious relationship.

Start with email

Set up a free email account just for dating and give that to the person you are chatting to but add some rules. The rules are not important, you can say don’t email on a weekend because your sister uses the email account and you don’t want her reading your emails or not to add any attachments or your computer will block the messages. The point of the rules is simply to see whether they abide by them, are they listening to you and working to build your trust or just doing their own thing regardless. Anyone that can’t follow a couple of simple rules for emails may just be the type to send 40 text messages a day or call you at 4am for a chat.

Webcam Chats

Don’t hand out your phone number until you have spoken on webcam, this way you at least know if the person has represented themselves truthfully on their profile and can see body language. It is best if the woman suggests a webcam chat during the day. Genuine men are often wary about asking for a webcam chat in case the woman thinks he is being pervy. By suggesting an afternoon webcam chat the woman is setting the boundaries, which would rarely be taken as anything other than a genuine request for a ‘face to face’ chat.

A Dating Phone

When you are ready to give them your phone number pick up a cheap or used mobile phone and a pay as you go sim card. You can do this for about £25 and carry it with you as a second phone or simply check for messages and missed calls when you get home. If you then get inappropriate calls or messages from someone then you can simply throw away the pay as you go card and get a new one, this way you don’t have to let family and friends know about a change of number but can soon deal with pesky callers.

Call Boundaries

When you give out your number set some boundaries, state that you don’t want to receive calls or texts after 1am or during 9-5 when you will be at work. Some people get carried away when they first get your number and want to talk all the time, this can be very flattering at first but try to think longer term, will 20 text messages a day start to annoy you after a couple of weeks? It may be that you will love the attention, only you can decide but to happily respond to 20 messages a day in the first couple of weeks and then tell them they are stalking you when you get tired of the number of calls or messages is a little unfair, start as you mean to go on and don’t give out mixed signals.

Use your gut feeling and experience when asked for your number, if you are not 100% happy to do so then don’t give it out, simply say you are not ready to speak directly yet. If they decide they can’t wait around then take it as a lucky escape. Don’t be pressurised into giving out your personal details, choose wisely when to give out your phone number.