Have you ever noticed that bubbly, happy people tend to be more cuddly. Whereas stern, stressed out people tend to prefer their personal space not to be invaded.

A strong happy relationship needs intimacy and affection, we must take time out of our stressful lives to switch off the tv and have a cuddling session.

Many couples now only cuddle in bed, usually as a prelude to foreplay and sexual activity but can you remember when you were first dating and couldn’t get enough cuddling? It wasn’t about foreplay or duty, you just had to be touching them all the time.

It didn’t matter if you were reading a book, watching tv or washing the dishes, you needed to cuddle them, stroke their skin and kiss them lightly. There were times you cuddled them so hard you wanted to merge into one being .. over time it is all too easy to lose this intimacy.

The stresses of life, work, finances, kids, etc all detract from those intimate feelings you had at the beginning of your relationship and you begin to live side by side rather than together.

If we want to re-connect with our partners on an intimate level then this is what we need to get back to, lots of no strings cuddling.

Women generally need more physical affection than men and respond well to shows of intimacy, although it’s only fair to say men also need to be shown affection in order to feel loved.

For many women cuddling is actually much more important than sex. However if we are only ever cuddled when it’s time for sexual activity then cuddling loses it’s appeal, it becomes foreplay and not a special way to show your love and affection for each other.

In this situation cuddling can actually become a turn off, knowing that you are only being cuddled as a prelude to something else can actually start to feel like bribery and it loses it’s meaning. If your partner is not in the mood for sexual activity then they will begin to avoid cuddling if it always leads to sex.

Women can also start to avoid cuddling when they feel less attractive, those stretch marks from having kids, the weight they have gained, breasts that aren’t as perky as they once were, etc. Men can also have issues with their physical appearance over time.

This is where cuddling can come into it’s own, spending time just touching each other, running your hands over the stretch marks, snuggle into his plump tummy or cupping a slightly sagging breast as you say I love you can create a real feeling of intimacy and confidence in your relationship.

Not done because you want your weekly hump or because something bad has happened so they need comfort but because you want to spend time together and let them know you love them.

Make time for your partner, spend time cuddling and make it obvious that you are not after anything other than a cuddle. Pick up a book or magazine and pull your partner in for a cuddle as you read .. that really is a special feeling, as it takes them into your private world.

There are many ways to re-connect with a partner in a long term relationship but never underestimate the importance of cuddling.

For us ladies it really needs to be a romantic “chick flick” for us to get that snuggle in feeling, which let’s be honest guys is what you are trying to achieve.

So bite the bullet, leave the terminator films at home and rent one of these if you want your date to cuddle in close and get all romantic with you.

Trust me guys, some are actually worth a watch even if you aren’t a “chick”, I have chosen films I think are watchable for men as well as favourites for us women.

Dim the lights, throw some popcorn in the microwave and grab a warm blanket to snuggle under on the sofa, then press play and watch your date melt in your arms.

No 10 – Dr Zhivago

Tells the tale of love found and lost in the turbulent Russian Revolution. Watchable for men because it deals with the choices a man must make between duty, his morals and love. Watchable for women because of the depth of love and passion portrayed.

No 9 – An Officer and a Gentleman

Watchable for men because it has a story to it outside the romantic falling in love scenes, with a look at the angst of a young man trying to better himself by joining the air force.

No 8 – Titanic

Anyone can watch this, it has the true story of that fateful ship and the tragic events that led to so many deaths. It also has the romantic story of two young people falling in love on the cruise then losing each other … keep the tissues handy.

No 7 – Sliding Doors

An unusual film in that you see it twice, each time depending on whether the main character (Gwyneth Paltrow) decides to catch a London train or not. It is a look at fate and how a simple choice can lead us to love and happiness or not.

No 6 – Ladyhawke

One of my all time favourite romantic films, I can watch it again and again. The story is set in the medieval city of Aquila. It has knights and swordfights to keep the guys interested but tells the tale of a knight and his lover that were cursed by a Bishop so they can never see each other in human form. By day the knight travels with his hawk (his cursed lover) and by night she becomes human and he becomes a wolf. Will they ever find a way to lift the curse and be together again?

No 5 – Shrek

It may seem a strange choice but the comedy is fantastic and the fairy tale romance makes us girls long for a big strong man to protect us. We also love the idea that beauty is not paramount when falling in love. It is an animated film about an ogre that reluctantly saves the Princess and of course wins her heart. The donkey (voiced by Eddie Murphy) is where the comedy comes to life.

No 4 – Chocolat

A quirky tale of a woman and her daughter opening a chocolate shop in France and the rigid morality within the village that opposses her. Love arrives in the form of Johnny Depp as a roguish traveller. Not the usual sloppy romantic stuff so easily watchable for men.

No 3 – The Last of the Mohicans

Ask any woman who has seen the film what Daniel Day Lewis says to Madeleine Stowe under the waterfall and she will reply “I will find you”, no matter how long ago she saw the film. There is enough violence and adrenaline to keep the men happy as three trappers try to defend a Colonels daughter but plenty of heart wrenching romance for the girls.

No 2 – When Harry Met Sally

Now come on who hasn’t seen that famous cafe scene where Sally proves how easy it is to fake it?! Men can enjoy this film for it’s comedy but women love the romance. It is the story of two people who have been friends for years and are scared to get involved in case it ruins their friendship. A must see for men and women.

No 1 – Four Weddings and a Funeral

A typical British film, packed with comedy and drama. The title says it all really, it’s about a group of friends that attend four weddings and a funeral. Down to earth look at friendhip, love and that one love that can never be. An absolute must see for everyone.

Everyone is worried about the current economic climate and what this will mean for our spending power. Dating can be expensive, a meal out for two can set you back £50-100 or even just a night at the cinema can cost £40 plus.

If you are paying for a first date there is simply no reason to spend a lot of money, a series of first dates can leave you seriously out of pocket with nothing to show for it if they don’t lead to second dates.

It is possible to arrange frugal dates without looking like a penny pincher and let’s be honest if you splash out your entire monthly budget on a first date then the lady in question may well be disappointed when she discovers you can only go out once a month.

Here are 10 cheap date suggestions that will not make you look cheap but will save the pounds.

1. Be Cultured

Visit a museum, cathedral, a book reading at a book shop or library, an art gallery, a local amateur drama, a photo exhibition, discover the town of a famous author …. find something cultured you and your date will be interested in. There are still many free outings like museums around the country just look online for tourist attractions in your area. Remember to look what is on at your local University, they often have productions and shows and need the publics support. If you are in the UK then Britain Express will give you some great ideas in your areas of places to visit.

2. Go to the Park

Be kids again, fly a kite, try roller blading, go boating on the lake or have a snow ball fight. The park is a very romantic place to meet so this suggestion for a date doesn’t seem cheap but of course your date will need to have a sense of adventure and fun.

3. Have a Picnic

So a few soggy sandwiches and a packet of crisps doesn’t seem very romantic but what about a travel rug, a book of poetry, a red rose and some of your favourite cheese and crackers? Picnics can be very romantic and cost very little. Not into poetry … no worries read her a chapter of your favourite book or tell funny childhood stories.

4. Discover Nature

Whether it’s a walk on a beach, a hike through a forest or a stroll down a leafy park lane, nature is a frugal but romatic way to get to know each other. Find out what unusual wildlife is in your area and try to find it. Work with the seasons, collect acorns for Christmas wreaths or shells in summer on a beach.

5. Farmers Market or Flea Market

Do you live within travelling distance of a farmers market, flea market, craft fair or country fair? Suggest meeting up and having a look round. Such dates are far more relaxed than staring at each other over a coffee and wondering what to say next. An afternoon will fly by as you look round the stalls and perhaps a nik-nak or two that will give you an idea of your dates taste.

6. Be Sporty

Are you and your date into health and fitness? Then go for a jog, meet for a bike ride, go wind surfing or play tennis in the local park. Whatever you decide to do don’t make it too strenuous your date may not be as fit as you and you don’t want to embarrass them.

7. Home Cooked Meal

Always a favourite, it cost little more than it would to feed yourself and shows off your culinary skills. Make sure you find out if your date is allergic to or simply dislikes any food and rent a video to watch after the meal. Don’t go overboard and cook for ten people, keep it light with a fondue or starter, salad and sweet. dMake an effort setting the table, a few flowers will be romantic, use insense in the room and don’t forget to get the cork screw ready.

8. Photo Shoot Day

Pick an area that interests you both, be that urban architecture, people in work environments or rural views and go to take photos together. It is not only a way to share a passion but also a great way to record your date. Never taken a decent photo before? No time like the present to learn! You can find tips on how to take good pictures at the Easy Photography website.

9. Buy Books

If like me you and your date are avid readers then visit some charity shops and buy some books of interest, they only cost pennies. Not only will you enjoy your time digging out books that interest you both but you will also be helping the charity. Why not take along some old books you have finished with to leave for the charity to sell.

10. Charity Event

Do you have a local charity that needs some funds raised? Show your date that you care and ask them to join you on at a charity fund raiser. Whether you go round town rattling a tin or dress like a chicken at the local supermarket, your date is bound to be impressed with your philanthropic nature even if they don’t like your chicken suit.

You may also like to read my tips for 5 ways to be a great date and romantic gift ideas that dont break the bank

It doesn’t matter if you meet a thousand new people a day, if you give off the wrong signals then nobody will approach you or be recptive to your approach. Happy people are the most attractive, so when you are going out make sure you are there to enjoy yourself and not just looking to find a date.

Here are 4 tips to follow when looking to meet a nice man or woman:

1. Online Dating:

Don’t just join the first dating site that comes up on google or the one with the biggest advertising budget. Spend time searching the net, there are online dating sites to suit everyone.

Work out what matters in your life and then use those words to search the internet. Niche market sites may not have a million people around the world signed up but they are much more likely to share your interests.

An example is my dating site for UK countryside and rural lovers, which means the people you meet will be from the UK and share your love of the UK countryside or understand the loneliness that can come with rural life.

2. Joining a Club or Class:

Persevere, many people sign up to a new club or class to find a dating partner, take one look, don’t spot anyone they fancy dating and give up. Wrong attitude … for a start you are way too focussed on meeting someone and not focussed enough on living your life.

You just joined so at some point in time Mr or Ms Right may just join too. However that is not the reason to stick at it, when you become an established member of the group you will begin to communicate with other members. This leads to invitations to parties or other group events, it may also introduce you to single family or friends of other members.

Ladies a flower arranging class is unlikely to reveal Prince Charming and guys, a Landrover mechanics course has very few available women …… think about the classes or groups you are joining.

3. Through Work:

I don’t recommend dating someone in your own office but is there a seminar coming up that you can get on to? A product launch you can volunteer to do market research for or work on a launch stand?

The idea here is to go to places with new people and when you are there circulate, you just never know who you might meet. Ensure you have business cards with you and network, it is not only the people you meet but the people they know that can help you to find the right partner.

4. Friends and Family:

Nobody likes to walk around with a sign saying single and looking for love but do your friends and family actually know you are looking or do they think you are “concentrating on your career”?

It is surprising how many people keep their desire for a partner a secret, in the past two decades being a happy singleton has become the fashionable thing to do but if that life isn’t for you then don’t get taken in by the hype and let people that care about you know.

Snogging for those that don’t speak UK English is a passionate kiss. You can kiss your mother or grandmother but you can’t snog them. You can also kiss your children but would get arrested if you snogged them.

Learning to snog your partner well would have to be one of my top dating tips of all time, it is so important to let your partner know you yearn for them.

The secret to a really passionate, sensual snog is to not do anything that makes it uncomfortable for the person you are kissing.

So don’t smother them to the point of not being able to breath, make sure they are not bent double thinking about the pain in their back rather than the kiss, don’t let a lot of your saliva into their mouth and make sure you have clean teeth.

Here are some tips for giving a great, knee weakening snog:

1. Watch out for noses, they tend to get in the way. Begin to angle your head as you move your faces closer.

2. Begin with a closed lip to lip kiss, don’t just stick your tongue straight in their mouth.

3. Slightly part your lips, kiss slowly and sensually to begin with.

4. Gently slide your tongue over their lips … remember the idea to a good passionate kiss is to build up to a point of hunger, the feeling of wanting to eat each other and this takes time.

5. Hold your partner while you snog them, either the back of their head, their waist or the sides of their face. Slowly stroke their skin while you kiss.

6. Now let your tongue touch theirs. Don’t just go round and round in circles, play with their tongue. Suck it, push it to the floor of their mouth, explore their teeth and have some fun chasing their tongue round.

7. By this time your partner should be breathing heavily, with weak knees and you can move to kissing their ears or throat.

A really passionate snog can tell a person how much you want them and there is nothing better to get you in the mood than knowing your partner really wants you. Believe me there is a huge difference between a kiss that says it is my job to kiss you and a snog that says I want you now …. guess which one has the best results!!

So take time over snogging, enjoy it and make sure your partner enjoys it. Let’s celebrate snogging by making our partners’ knees go weak tonight.

Or have you said you have had a great time and will call, whilst knowing you have no intention of ever keeping their number let alone calling it?

1. Do you want to see them again? Did they rock your world or have you got that “you’ll do for now” feeling? Do not arrange a second date just to fill in time or because you hate rejecting people. Only arrange a further date if you simply can’t wait to see them again, if there is no chemistry on the first date then I doubt there will be any on a second or third date.

2. Who should pay for the date? …. sorry guys but this one is down to you on a first date. Never get the bill and start adding up who ate what or had what to drink, that is tacky and makes you look cheap. On a second or third date it is down to you who pays or if you split the bill, communication is the key.

3. Don’t play with people’s feelings in order not to hurt them, it is never easy saying to someone they are not what you are looking for. Avoid cliches like “you are lovely but” or I’m just not ready”, there is no need to explain anything just say you don’t think you are right for each other and if they start asking questions about what is wrong with them they have a confidence problem and that is not your problem, just repeat you don’t think are right for each other and make a quick exit.

4. Don’t get down on bended knee, start discussing how many children you want or declaring undying love in the early stages of dating. This smacks of desperation, which is an unattractive quality. Even if your heart and mind are screaming “they are the one” try to keep the first few dates fun, casual and short. This gives them time to miss you and butterflies in the tummy at the thought of seeing you again.

5. The phrase “do you want to come in for coffee” is almost always interpreted as a lot more than coffee and a discussion about poetry, so make sure you want things to go further before inviting your date back to your place for coffee. You may have had a great time and simply don’t want the date to end but do you really want to be playing tonsil hockey at this stage or asking what they eat for breakfast? If not then try to arrange another date before the end of the first date, you can then put the energy into planning what to wear or where to go.

6. The first kiss ….. oh I love this part, it is always so romantic in the movies but of course in real life noses get in the way or you find they have a tongue like an eel. If you go in for the kiss then try not to explore their tonsils, just a nice friendly kiss on the lips will keep them wanting more and let you know how receptive they are to your advances.

Most extra marital affairs begin the same way, the husband doesn’t show enough affection to the wife and the wife withdraws from their sexual partnership. It’s an age old problem within marriages, the boredom factor.

It does not matter whether the husband withdraws affection first or the wife withdraws sex, the result is the same a spiraling emotional black hole.

A vast majority of women need affection from their partner in order to stay in love, they have to be kissed, touched and made to feel loved or they simply have no emotional desire for sex.

The opposite side of this emotional rollercoaster is that a vast majority of men need regular sex from their partner in order to feel or show affection toward them. Withdrawal of sex on the woman’s part will simply lead to frustration, lack of emotional attention and a wandering eye.

It is difficult to keep the magic alive in a marriage and it does take effort from both parties.

The attitude of ‘I should only have sex when I want to but I only want to once a year’ is simply not meeting your partners needs.

Similarly the attitude of ‘why do I have to hug and kiss her, I’m married to her aren’t I’ is going to get you as much bedroom action as an inmate in solitary confinement.

If your relationship has started on this slippery slope then it is time for one of you to take the initiative and start dialogue. Talk openly about why you have withdrawn from your sex life or why you don’t show her any affection.

If your husband only shows you affection as a prelude to sex then you need to get him told, it is possible and preferable to show affection at any time of day or night without expecting it to lead to sex.

Believe me guys if you show affection to the woman in your life on a regular basis she is far less likely to withdraw sex.

In the same vein ladies, if you withdraw sex because you don’t feel sexy or just can’t be bothered expect his eye to start wandering. Most men do not WANT to have affairs, they simply come across whatever is missing at home and can’t resist.

Work on showing each other non-sexual affection, start by just getting more affectionate and see if that does the trick to start a new spark but if not sit down and talk, explain your personal needs and desires.

At last your message box says you have a new contact … woohoo the game is afoot and you reach for the reply button….. but wait, have you considered whether you are compatible?

Here are 5 tips for you to consider before you reply to online dating site messages:

1. Looks really aren’t everything. Don’t just look at the main profile photo and decide they are worth contacting. Check out their other photo’s, are they in situations you may enjoy? If their photo shows cats in every one and you are allergic to cats it may be worth waiting for the next candidate. Also if they only have one photo then after a couple of emails ask to see other photos before you commit to meeting them.

2. Read between the lines of the profile and don’t fill in the blanks from your imagination. The most obvious example would be smoking, if the profile says “trying to give up” and you can’t be in the same room as a smoker then this is not the person for you. If you can be around smokers but would hope your partner is not a smoker then chat in your messages about how they are doing with giving up. As you read the profile write down questions and if you decide to respond then ask question to allow the person to fill in the real blanks, not your imaginary version.

3. Is their message personal to you? Have they asked you about something on your profile or commented on something you have in common? If not consider that a generic message can be sent to anyone and everyone, these are used to fish for possible responses and the sender has often not considered your possible compatibility. Make it a rule that you only respond to messages personal to you but not overly personal (eg love your pic email me on spammer @nigeria.com).

4. Don’t give out too much information. When responding to online dating site messages picture yourself in a cafe or bar with someone on a first date, how much information would you feel comfortable revealing about yourself? It is easy to get carried away when sending messages over the internet, it is easier to reveal more about yourself than you would in real life because the person is not sitting looking at you.

5. Don’t believe everything you read.

It was about three years ago, having spent the previous few years alone, that I stumbled upon a dating site while googling some un-remembered and probably weird subject to ease my boredom! It was the ‘Free to join’ and ‘Guaranteed partner within 6 months’ type of statements that had me completing the profile questionnaire with a growing sense of excitement…

My first major lesson was that ‘Free Membership’ was just that… free membership!! It wasn’t free to contact anyone though, or reply to a message or to even participate in the forums! I wasn’t against paying… it was just the misleading banners they used to draw me in that I took offence to! So off I went to find a dating site that that was more suited to my needs.

Now it was time to tackle the profile… sooo many questions and my brain decides right then to have a wee nap and my literary masterpiece becomes nothing more than… “Hi! I’m single. I don’t want to be single. I’m looking for a partner. I’m very interesting. Can you use a washing Machine?”

And then the ‘uploading photos’ part appears and I’m gripped with a fear… HEEEEEELP! If I was going to meet this immensely beautiful woman and it wasn’t going to cost me a penny… then these odd photos that I had littered around my desktop were suddenly quite important! OMG! What pictures do I upload??
Er… this one makes me look totally bald but reasonably muscly!
Ooooh! that one with a false but friendly smile might just do it!
er.. erm…. or I could just Google ‘male model, a quick cut’n'paste and hey presto I’m suddenly gorgeous!

And what the hell am I supposed to put in these boxes that are asking me all about my current lifestyle? I’m bored stiff, feel incredibly lonely and if I could find a life I’d be more than willing to give it some style!

Although I’d say that I was a streetwise type of guy, I have to admit that Computer Dating became an eye-opener! This was a totally different ball-game… a minefield of unexpected stuff like fake-profiles, Scammers and ‘THE MODS’!! What is going on with these weird Moderator People? or should I say PC Police? lol I look at my previous posts sometimes and wonder did I really make a typo like ‘Feck it’? *makes a mental note to replace spell-checker!!

Once over the  hurdles and some valuable lessons had been learnt, it was time for me to find this gorgeous girl who was out in cyberland… I conducted a search for all girls aged between 19 and 20, photo a must and profile must contain words like ‘gagging for it’! My search turned up nothing and I scratched my head in bewilderment… maybe I was being to fussy and tried expanding the age range from 19 to 21!

I tried mailing women who had a pretty face or had saucy profiles but rarely got a reply and the ones I did get were strangely suggesting I needed a personality transplant! I was close to giving up but luckily I had a sudden brain-wave… I’d post something in the forums! Jeeze.. Scary times!! I posted a ‘Hello, I’m new’ kind of thread and very quickly found myself replying to peoples posts! It was awesome and I was amazed at how quickly I made friends… I had been trying too hard, just expecting a female to be attracted to my pic or profile rather than my personality!

Once I had finally got talking to a nice girl, it became time for my next hurdle… THE MEET! Now that really was terrifying! I was aware that I had used only the best possible photos for my profile and that on a very good day I may look a wee bit like them! I headed off to Edinburgh Station feeling sick! This girl was gorgeous, a proper stunner and she was going to be sooo disappointed in me! Why was I putting myself through this hell? Rejection just has to be one of the worst emotions I deal with and here I was setting myself up for a huge kick in the nuts!

I didn’t notice her when all the passengers came teaming from the carriages and nearly had a heart attack when this guy came up to me and announced that he was Shirley! It was only when he spoke that I noticed he had a very high voice… OK maybe it was a female but the facial hair? and where did the lovely white teeth go? In fact this just wasn’t the girl I had seen in the pics! I had no choice but to take her back to mine where we spent a very uncomfortable 3 days in separate bedrooms. I did go on to meet a lovely girl but it was a long-distance relationship and unfortunately didn’t work out after 9 months.

Here’s a few lessons I learnt while using dating sites…

1.  My profile had ‘desperate’ written all over it.
2.  Photo’s are just a rough guide to a persons appearance.
3.  Scammers want to have lots of sexy-time with me.
4.  Mods are from another planet.
5.  MSN/Cam-chat before meeting.
6.  Don’t assume nothing.
7.  Free is not always free.
8.  On first date… Do not arrange for one to stay at the others house.
9.  Use recent photos.
10. Have fun and use the forums.

So to cap it all… It took me a while to find a site that suited me, the forums became a huge help in my search for both friendships and love and most importantly I acquired a whole new section of my life that I am very grateful for! I’ve been a member with Country Couples since January 08 and I’ve yet to find another site that is as friendly and welcoming.

Xander

I cannot count the times I have been on a date and spent a very boring couple of hours listening to how perfect the ex was. She was a brilliant mother, career woman, cook, had the cleanest house in the world, you shared the most amazing sex life, etc. Clearly this woman wore a cape and her knickers outside her tights. Yawn.

Everyone take note – all this tells me is that you are a complete moron. Clearly you were with Wonder Woman/Man and must have been a really crappy husband/wife/partner or you would still be with them. Not a great advertisement wouldn’t you agree.

Another aspect of this error in judgement is that you are clearly not over your ex and ready to move on to a new relationship. This will have any sane person heading for the exit.

Lastly you have just told me that I could never live up to them. Hey great start, well done. So next time you call I will be washing my hair, watching the grass grow or out on a date with someone worth being with.

I think you get the message so I shall leave it there.