Comments on: Afraid of Relationships or Love?

By: Lisa :0)

Lisa :0) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 09:41:27 +0000

As I read through all the posts and responses, I have to smile – We simply yearn to be understood and accepted for who we are.We yearn to have someone we can touch and experience life with. We know there will be troubles and conflict at times but believe that through understanding and acceptance of each others strengths & weaknesses, we will have a bond with that one special person , who will care enough to just be around and stay…right there. Warmest wishes that each of you find your “special one” x

By: Alison

Alison — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 21:27:06 +0000

How about 2 failed long term relationships (one of which incorporated a bit of psychological abuse which I am aware of, but some of which replays over and over in my mind). I’ve found that I just don’t make time for potential suitors. I am studying, have animals (of which 2 are horses), spend most of my day on the road for work and I am dedicated to my sport – I’ve found these to be valid excuses to get out of the relationship debacle. I think its a form of protection and a fear of losing the identity I’ve created for myself. Like Chris, the criteria in having someone who would fit into my life, is virtually impossible (which is what I keep telling myself). Who would be able to put up with me and also allow me to be who I am without wanting to change me and make me feel worthless. If I’m not settled within myself, how can I let someone into my life – that would be like having a dinner party in a messy house!

By: Jeff

Jeff — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 19:57:08 +0000

Hi…
I am 21 years old. I have not been in any relationship till now.
When i was 17 I fell for a girl. I found her extremely beautiful and was totally mad about her.But initially i was always afraid to talk to her. Most of the time it was my own imagination about dating her or being with her which made me like her a lot. Somehow through friends she got to know about my feelings. And at certain times I found her response positive which further strengthened my hope. With me being afraid, an year passed and then I came to know that she already had a boyfriend and they had been sexually involved also.
This totally shattered me and i have been in depression because of this till now. In recent times I have tried approaching other girls which i liked but none of the response seemed positive. Besides things like good looking girls responding only to people who look well totally depresses me and makes me feel inferior in some way.
This is major cause of depression in my life.
Please give suggestions!!

By: Sally

Sally — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:04:59 +0000

Hi Chris

Ok so it’s all about where you look. For example if you go to a cheap seedy bar you’ll meet trailer park girls and if you to an expensive wine bar you’ll meet women who are only interested in how much you earn .. that’s simple reality. So if you are going back to study and are on a mature student program there will surely be women there who will not judge you by your pay check because they too are in the same situation.

There are also women who are not so materialistic, think outside the box … where would such women spend their free time? Certainly not in a seedy bar or expensive wine bar.

So it’s about being pro-active, rather than waiting for Miss perfect to happen along, decide where Miss Perfect might hang out and go there. Perhaps she has a deep social concience and does charity work or maybe she is a book worm and spends time in the library. I can’t say because I don’t know the type of woman you are looking for but if you work it out then you can think about where such a woman may be found.

And I disagree about you just being a realist .. sorry but you are being negative and negativity is an unattractive feature … so change your thinking and be pro-active. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour … if you’ve had no luck with past behaviour then it’s time to try something different

By: Chris

Chris — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 05:46:52 +0000

Thanks for the input. What you said makes sense. And I agree with most of it. However, “I’m going to play devils advocate” with you’re last paragraph. I know the type of woman I would like to have in my life. I know the qualities I would like. I know the type of person I would like to share experiences with. Long term or not. I’m not looking to just jump in and get married, but a monogamous relationship would be nice.
Back to the point, In order to meet this type of person “you/I” have to meet certain “requirements”. If you don’t you will never get to meet those type of women. For example, I’m a college grad, and can’t seem to find steady work. Thanks to the economy. Now I’m looking to go BACK to school for nursing or physical therapy. Thats another 2-3 years of schooling. If you’re trying to meet someone, they seem to want to know what you can offer NOW. For example, I was talking to this good looking woman today, and when she found out I wasn’t making a steady check, BOOM! shot out of the water. She just walked off. This is the type of stuff I’m talking about also. She didn’t seem like the type I could say….”Hey If you wait 3+ years I’m sure I could be making good money by then. But hey, you wanna hang out till then?”
I know it sounds bitter, maybe a little bit. But maybe you can now see the other part of my dilemma.
Its a catch 22, If you pick the trailer park girls then you end up where we were at the top part of our discussion. If you wait until you meet just the right person, who can fit all your requirements, then you may never meet anybody.
And again you die old and lonely. Aren’t I just the pillar of good joy today. People may say you’re thinking negatively. It is what it is,and I’m just being a realist. I’m looking for answers to the issues, and trying not to just sit back and wallow in my self imposed misery. LOL.
I don’t have problems talking to women, its when they get to the Q&A parts that I run into problems. You know when they “Qualify” you as relationship material or not. At this point I’m thinking of having business cards printed up, that I can hand out saying something like, “Hi,don’t worry I’m not looking to get married, and we don’t have to be tied at the hip. You live you’re life, I’ll live mine. No strings attached. We’ll just be F@#k buddies and leave it at that. Are you interested? I’ll either get a yes or slapped
So, what do you think? And thanks for letting me vent some.

By: Sally

Sally — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 13:15:09 +0000

Hi Chris

Excellent post, you have summed up your dilemma well.

My thoughts are …. Yes, one of the aspects a woman often looks for is financial stability. That doesn’t mean you have to be able to shower her in diamonds though. If you have life goals and are actively working toward them then a good woman will recognise this and work with you to secure your future together.

OK so it’s not as simple as going to a bar and chatting someone up, as this often (as you rightly say) leads to the trailer park scenario. This means you have to actively look for the type of woman who will support your dreams of getting ahead but one you feel you could be happy with once you are ahead. It really is the emotional growing up stage of life, where you stop thinking about dating and start thinking about a really serious lifetime partnership and the criteria for each can often be very different.

So sit down and think about the type of woman you would like to find, how she could help you in your dream of getting ahead and you could in turn help her in her dreams … once you have these answers you should know the kind of woman you are looking for.

By: Chris

Chris — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 06:32:19 +0000

I’m new to this sight so I guess you just ask a question and you guys offer advice? OK, I was wondering how to deal with my dilemma. The biggest part of the intro at the top I fall into. I’m in my early 40′s I was in a long term relationship for around 9 years. There were issues in the relationship, so I suppose thats why we never married. To make a long story shorter, we broke up and we still loved each other so it was hard. Lots of depression and bad habits followed. This was 13 years ago, it seems like yesterday. I was happy to be free to try to get ahead in life. I’m still not where I need to be financially. After all you have to bring something to the table in a relationship or things wont work out. Money issues, etc. I would love to get into a relationship but I don’t want to give up my dreams of getting ahead. My idea of success is not working in fast food and living in public housing. I’m afraid if I get in a relationship thats exactly were I’m going to end up. Since, I can’t afford the “quality” type women. I don’t fall into their financial range. After all, admit it or not women, thats a big factor in whether you select a man or not. Also, I don’t want to end up stuck in some trailer with kids that I cant feed, and a wife who nags. Face it when you ‘Hook up with someone it may just start out as fun but all of a sudden ‘WHAM’ you’re in love and trapped! There goes any chance of a better life. So, do you give up you’re dreams and end up with some good sex but a crappy life? Or do you just stay lonely? Dang, I’m afraid that by the time I can afford a woman, that I’ll be to old to get a decent looking one. I may even need Viagra by then.

By: Sally

Sally — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 15:37:33 +0000

Hi Kerry

If you’ve never had a serious boyfriend then why do you think you are scared of getting into a srious relationship? Did your parents divorce or have you seen other relationships go badly wrong?

So what happened after this wonderful date? Di you continue speaking to him, did he invite you on a second date?

By: kerry

kerry — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 16:03:42 +0000

I’ve never had a real serious boyfriend. Last year, this new guy started at my work. I had developed a crush on him, but soon after he had a girlfriend. I let it go because i never talked to him. Two weeks ago, we started talking, and we’ve been talking nonstop ever since. He told me that he thinks i’m the perfect girl for him, and he is the greatest guy i know. He’s not a player, and he really cares for the girls he dates. We went out on a date and it was really good. We hung out for 3 1/2 hours, and it went by so fast. Recently, i have developed a fear. All of a sudden my happiness turned into me being scared. Usually when i get close to a guy and start to really like them, i run because i make myself believe it’s easier to be single. But then, when i’m single, i find myself wishing i had a boyfriend. I need help!

By: Sally

Sally — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 17:13:35 +0000

Hi Sara

I can understand why you are reluctant to enter another serious relationship but just because one partner is not honest with you does it necessarily follow all others will be less than honest too?

It is difficult to take a chance and trust again but it can be well worth it if you take your time and choose the right guy. We can never really know if a partner if being honest with us, as we can’t read minds, but what are the chances of choosing another guy who is bisexual and not honest about it?