Whether your partner is physically abusive, mentally abusive or a self abuser like an alcoholic … you need to accept that waiting around trying to change them is not going to work. Abusive relationships get worse over time, not better.
It is not only weak people that become victims of abuse, I was a very strong and independent career woman but found myself a victim in an abusive relationship. I was not used to anyone dominating me so when it did happen I just turned into mush and didn’t know what to do.
Approximately 20% of domestic abuse victims in Britain are men. The good news for male victims is statistics show that once out of the relationship their female partners tend not to harrass you.
Abuse of any kind quickly starts to remove your confidence, you begin to believe this is your fault and all the things they tell you that you cannot do without them, you begin to believe.
The first step is to recognise warning signs of an abusive relationship and understand that signs of abuse may be subtle, not all abusers are hitters.
Take a moment to read this list comparing healthy and abusive relationships and tick each attribute that you feel best describes your current relationship. Can you see any warning signs?
As our confidence erodes we need people outside the situation to either be honest with us or remove us from the situation.
There is NO shame in being the victim of abuse or not being “strong” enough to recognise it or walk away from it. It is not a fault in ourselves, the actions of these people are designed to make us feel small and incapable.
Read as much as you can about the mind of an abuser but not so you can understand them or feel sorry for them. Learn to make you strong mentally, when you understand why they treat you in such a way then you can begin to recognise that it is not your fault and you are not the terrible person they tell you you are.
To move forward we have to recognise that we are not made of stone and anyone can be a victim but we choose not to be a victim anymore.
Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy, I know I have been there but there is a lot of help out there, you just have to be strong enough to ask for it.
I heard those words so many times … “I’m sorry it will never happen again” … it almost always does. You feel too weak to leave, too incapable of surviving outside your current situation.
That is not the case, it is your partners actions that are making you feel that way and believe me after you leave it only takes a short time until your inner strength begins to rebuild itself and you start to wonder why you stayed there so long.
For advice and help with abusive relationships in the UK, including emergency hotlines and shelters contact:
Womens Aid - for women and children suffering from domestic violence and they have a FREE 24 hour emergency hotline .. 0808 2000 247
Refuge - for domestic violence help for women and children they also offer a FREE 24 hour helpline 0808 2000 247
Al-Anon - for families and friends of alcoholics, this is a branch of Alcoholics Anonymous but is for family and friends suffering because of someones drinking problem. You can call their helpline from 10am to 10pm 365 days a year .. 020 7403 0888
Broken Rainbow - for lesbians and gay men suffering domestic violence, you can only call at certain times. Mon 2-8pm, Wed 10-1pm and Thur 2-8pm .. 08452 604460
Mens Advice Line - for Domestic Abuse - Help & Support for Men, their lines are open Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm .. 0808 801 0327
The BBC ia a good resource for quick information on domestic violence - practical help for victims, such as removing a partner from your home, legal issues, housing, shelters, benefits, etc.
The Mayo Clinic offers excellent advice for seeking help with domestic violence in the US.
Don’t forget your Doctor will have a welath of information about where to get help if you are in an abusive relationship and if you are in danger call the police.
Please do not allow yourself to be a victim anymore, ask someone you know for help now.
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February 6th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Great resources you posted. I hope that it helps someone.
April 28th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Some really good advice on an important subject. I have a close friend who was once the victim of abuse from her longstanding boyfriend, and she held off doing anything for a long time because she couldn’t separate the abuse from the fact that he continued to show love towards her. I think this is pretty common - an abusive partner is rarely a one dimensional “bad guy”, people are often loving and hurtful at different times, and it’s important to realise this to make the “enough is enough” decision.
April 29th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Hi John, yes it is a very common problem with abusers, they can be so utterly charming after their temper has died down and because victims want to be loved they often fall for the smoochy side. Of course the fact that your abuser has you so convinved you can’t really understand the world without them it makes it so much easier for them to charm you again.