I’ve never really refered to myself as “shy”, but I guess that would be a fairly accurate observation of my behavior and personality type. I have often had trouble expressing myself to other people verbally and I am largely misunderstood. The term that I have only recently come to accept of myself is that I am more introverted than extroverted. A lot of introverts tend to be quiet, but we are careful listeners and observers processing and analysing everything.

Extroverts have infectious, bubbly personalities; they are the life of the party. They have few problems connecting with other people and are socially prefered. As a result introverts often feel like their less desirable, passed over, that there is something wrong with them, and tend to have lower self-esteem. I’ve felt that way my entire life, and it’s a painful feeling to live with as many other shy/introverted people can attest to. Since confidence and self-esteem are traits that most people are attracted to the cycle of low self-esteem and feeling less desireable perpetuates for introverts.

This is not to say that introverts can’t make some shifts in their personality, nor does it mean that introverts don’t have their own possitive, desireable traits. Introverts are often the ones who go on to become writers, artists, muscians, etc.

For the purposes of explaining some of the traits and differences between outgoing and reserved people I have over-simplified some of this. Introversion/Extroversion is actually measured on a spectrum, and is only one psychological theory of MANY. As human beings we think we are so smart and that we have everything figured out, but in truth we still know nothing. Psychology and sociology are certainly interesting areas of study, but we have hardly scratched the surface of understanding the mind or behavior. We could talk psychology, sociology, and philosophy until we’re all blue in the face, but it would still be largely speculative and theoretical.

Coffee is bad because you will be needing to make conversation the whole time you are there. Ditto with a long drive. That would be about the hardest thing for shy people.

Concerts, theater or cinema, or an architecture tour or the zoo would be much better, because they would all suggest topics of conversation, and you wouldn’t need to be talking the whole time.

So nice to hear your views, thank you.

Try to remember that the initial shyness you felt with your last long term partner was only temporary and your next partner will be the same. Your shyness can work to your advantage if your body language says “I am listening to every word you say and finding it interesting, please don’t stop talking”.

Rather than putting yourself out there on the dating scene why not consider ways you could meet someone through work (a business contact rather than a colleague), as you already have your professional facade to mask your shyness you may find it easier to chat to a business contact?

Another alternative is to meet someone through a hobby or activity. If you can get away from the mental “oh cripes this is the dating world” fear and try to meet someone in an environment you already feel relatively relaxed in.

Thank you so much for your comments, as I said God didn’t give me a shy bone in my body so it is impossible for me to understand how it feels.

I am so happy to hear you and your wife are finding ways to deal with your shyness and hope you will go from strength to strength.

My sincere apologies to Kent, I was clearly not understanding what you were saying and answered in ignorance. I hope you will come back and continue what you were trying to get over to me in the hope it can help other shy people who want to embark on the dating schene.

Perhaps as shy men you and Kent could let us know what your ideal date would be, what would make you feel most comfortable and relaxed?

But guys trust me on this, very confident people often feel like misfits too, we are just more likely to bluff our way through.

I agree Alfons shy people can make excellent leaders because they listen, over confident people tend to speak more than they listen … as I demonstrated in my reply to Kent.

I am off to sit on the naughty step now.

Just came across your blog and find it quite interesting. Reading it, I immediately knew you’re not a shy person: the emotions that are ‘between the lines’ reflect those of an out-going person, perhaps quite perky.

When it came to reading Kent’s comment, my heart sunk. Kent not only speaks the language of the shy, he knows (knows!) all the details and lets his pain show through his writing. And writing he did!

Following was your response to Kent’s. And as I read your second paragraph and instantly knew that Kent would not write back. You know why?

Shy men, and I guess women as well, have the innate feeling, sometimes even the conviction, that ‘people don’t understand me, even when I try to explain how I feel.’ Although you kindly mentioned to ‘maybe [...] not [...] understand what (he) means’, Kent’s mind at that point likely went: “Yeah, whatever…” and again he shut down.

When he said: “Most of the anxiety I face comes from the pressure to be expressive on a date”, my gut was telling me that he was referring to what I call for lack of a better term, “performance anxiety” The perceived pressure to HAVE to talk.

It is very painful to live with this awkward ‘condition’,even after having been married for 20 years (I’m now 51), because it creeps up at awkward moments, seemingly “taking control of the playful child within”.

Oh, Sally, if only you knew…

To be a shy person almost means to be a misfit. However…

There is good news for the shy ones, though: Shyness can be overcome to a large extend.

What did it for me is Martial Arts, where talking is not encouraged, but physical interaction is. No pressure to engage in conversation, and the only communication allowed is through physical movement and facial expressions. (Eye language means a lot to me and many other shy people I know. We are also very sensitive to emotional language and tend to take too much very personal. Ay-ay-ayyy! What are we doing to ourselves?!?)

I have spent years practicing to verbally express myself and have broken through many of my barriers to overcome most of my shyness. As has my wife, by the way. She too was among the very shy. Through each other we’ve grown a lot.

So, there you have it. Straight from the mouth of a recovering shy man.

Hope this puts some more light on the subject, but more importantly, more compassion for the less-able-to-socially-express-themselves.

Thanks for reading and ‘Congratulations!’ to Kent to express himself so emphatically.

Much Love!

Alfons

P.S.: In their own way, shy people make for excellent leaders. That’s my observation anyway….
.-= Alfons´s last blog ..Attraction Marketing =-.